Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

[ihavenamexhanedtoday]

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

Stop the victim blaming.

I’m so sorry OP, you must be exhausted. This man is a bloody disgrace and you will be much happier without him

One word: twat.

I've not read the full thread but I hope this is unanimous. Even without the pregnancy, hyperemesis, full time job and sick toddler his behaviour is still disgusting. What year is it? Can men not make their own fucking meals still? Yes, if you weren't pregnant and unwell functioning on less than 3 hours sleep with a full time job and a sick toddler it MIGHT be nice to make dinner, but not because you have to, but because its a nice thing for a partner to do for each other. In any circumstances his entitlement is disgusting.

My partner used to work 13 hour shifts with a 45 minute commute. He never expected dinner made (I often did as I liked us to eat together). When I was pregnant with our baby (now 5 months) and still working FT, he would usually come home and make dinner for me.

I'm guessing this isn't the only way your husband is a selfish uncaring twat?

Firstly I would start out by saying to him that as he has a cooked meal at lunchtime there is no need for him to have a cooked meal in the evening. So the bread, butter, ham and cheese etc are that way if he wants cooked he is welcome to cook. If he doesn’t like that then maybe he’d like to go and live with mummy so she’ll do it for him.

And if he complains about that then I’d be quick to tell him that he’ll have to sort his own dinner anyway once he’s single, which, judging by the way he’s behaving, will be one day soon.

My mum had a friend whose dh used to complain that his dinner wasn’t ready when he got home, and she said it was because she never knew when he was on his way. So he said to her “just cook and leave it in the oven.” So the next day he rolled in about an hour later than he was expected and asked where dinner was, to which she responded: “in the oven.” She’d made him a salad. 😂.

He's never happy with what I cook.

Than I'm afraid I would stop cooking for him altogether. What became of eat and be thankful? He should thank you and he should be able to find something good to say about it - that's just basic manners. Someone else has prepared a meal for him, how dare he complain?

It's a bit expected that dinner is on the table for a man who goes out to work. That's how my mum/ his mum have always done it.

And are your father and FiL also so ungrateful to their wives?

Do your mother and MiL also have fulltime jobs or is your husband being especially generous in allowing you work and earn money?

I do tell him and shout at him.

That is a waste of time. Well, maybe it relieves your feelings a bit, but it doesn't change anything. It's just noise and it gives him a reason to accuse you of nagging. You need action - or in this caase, inaction. No more cooked meals until you get a proper thank you.

he pours him wine, everything is nicely set up for him and he just loves it and always comments how I should try some recipes of hers etc and be more creative and not always serve the same things.

Does he thank your mother all the time and does he see how unsually good she is being to him? Instead of being grateful, he seems to just take what she does for granted and he thinks you should do the same service with a snap of the fingers.

I thought he would grow up, like I did, when we had kids.

He has grown up and this is what he has grown into.

OP, you seem to be a thoughtful and intelligent person. I imagine you may be the kind of person others turn to for advice - or perhaps used to turn to, before your every spare moment and thought were consumed by this energy vampire you were unfortunate enough to marry.

What would you say to a friend in your position: eight months pregnant, ill, working, toddler, doing all the housework, and getting emotional abuse in return?

It’s not complicated to understand how you are feeling and what you need. Dozens of strangers on this thread understood immediately.

It’s inconvenient for him to understand, because he likes things how they are, even though it’s making you desperate and ill.

It can be truly horrifying to realise that someone - someone you thought loved you - doesn’t care if you suffer. We make up excuses like “He doesn’t understand” or “I’m making a fuss about nothing” or “It’s the way he was raised” because - on the surface - that seems easier than accepting that this man doesn’t care how you feel, so long as his needs are met.

But these excuses we make are a kind of self-gaslighting. You are an intelligent woman. You know what you would say to a friend in this situation. All the excuses really come down to “I don’t believe I matter.” Keeping this thought in your head all the time will crush you.

On the other hand, the pain of accepting that this man who was supposed to love you doesn’t care about your well-being may be excruciating, but it will pass. In time you will see that it is nothing in you that has led him to be this way, just a failing in him, and fixing it is his problem, not yours. Then you can work out what it best for yourself and your child(ren).

Invite him to batch cook his own meals and freeze them. He can then, if he wishes, thaw one in the fridge on the day so it's ready to heat when he returns or faff round heating it from frozen.

Either that or he spends money on frozen meals that he heats himself.

I'm suggesting both of these to reduce the mess and stop the creation of yet more work for you in what sounds like an already unequal arrangement about to be complicated by the addition of a newborn.

This is who he is

You cannot change him

He does understand but he doesn't care

Can you see this OP?

@ISmellBurnings

Can we copy this, again…

I’m copying and pasting this incredible post from another thread. It cannot be repeated enough on Mumsnet. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the original author.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry

OP please take this to heart x

Different political views my arse. It's exactly as ISmellBurnings and others have said--he does this not because he doesn't understand your POV, he does it because it benefits him. And if he's such a selfish, entitled individual that he thinks it's OK to exploit another human being in this way, much less one you supposedly love and respect, then he's never going to change that behaviour as he'll never change the underlying sense of entitlement and selfishness.

OP please call Women's Aid and start talking to someone about your situation. There is help out there, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Many of us here can attest that life as a single mum is far preferable to life trapped in a shitty relationship.

Does your workplace have an Employee Assistance Programme? Mine offers free counselling and legal advice. I needed individual counseling to finally get enough confidence and sense of self-worth to allow myself to leave.

Could you talk to your manager about your situation and about taking time off if necessary for counselling or other steps?

Good luck, you can do it.

So soon you are going to have 3 children? Dump him and concentrate on the 2 that need you.

Why are there so many usless men or women putting up with this nonsense?

Ive been single for years and worked full time with DS and...cook all all own dinners.

Why are women with men like thus always loody pregnant a second time?

What a tragic loser your husband is. He’s also going to be an overweight tragic loser if he keeps expecting to eat 2 hot meals a day. The PP who said don’t talk to your MW talk to a solicitor had it right. He is a twat of the highest order and no mistake.

Oh the poor man, what a terrible life he has, getting steak twice in a day and being asked to behave like a decent adult human being.

Get the fuck away from this dumpster fire of a man. Your life would actually be easier without him in it.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday you are making the classic mistake of trying your best and pushing yourself to meet his self determined expectations whilst hoping the will see/know you are in your knees.

It’s a mistake.

You can’t expect him (because he is a twat btw) to see you are ill/on your knees if you still do all the things you normally do.
STOP
Stop with the cooking. Tell him you feel sick and can’t face it. Leave the kitchen and leave him to it. Don’t even bother to order a take away. I’m sure he can do that himself.
Stop with the doing everything. Leave the washing etc… Let him know you can’t do it and just stop. Again I’m sure he can put some washing, push the hoover
Stop and go to bed when he comes home. Tell him you haven’t slept for the last 4 days, you are knackered and you need to sleep whilst you can - so until he goes to bed and dc gets up (I’m not even expecting him to get up during the night :()
Basically take what you need, give him the responsibilities you’d like him to take and dint ask. Just do it.

He will NEVER believe that you are that ill that you can’t do A and B if you carry in doing them.

Ok I've read all your posts now OP - just wanted to come back and say please leave this horrible abusive man, for you and your children's sake. When your mum comes can you make plans with her about leaving him? Wishing you all the best, you deserve better

And all the stuff @ISmellBurnings said especially

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.

:(:(

One thing to watch out for: he might suggest that you give up your job or cut your hours so you are free to spend more time looking after him and the family and so he can feel more of a success as a breadwinner without a fulltime wage-earning wife to compare himself to. That's not a good idea for you though, given how selfish and unappreciative he is; he might behave a bit better for a year or so and then start using the control he gets from your lack of income to abuse you further. Take care

I'm just not even talking to him today. I didn't even bother asking him to help me with anything this morning. He's home today.

Dressing a two year old for nursery while this pregnant on your knees is such hard work though. I also seem to feel hot a lot.

Anyway he's sensing something isn't right and keeps coming to try to give me hugs

Oh for goodness sake OP, just leave him.

@ProudAlly

Oh for goodness sake OP, just leave him.

Really, OP. This. This 1000 times.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

I'm just not even talking to him today. I didn't even bother asking him to help me with anything this morning. He's home today.

Dressing a two year old for nursery while this pregnant on your knees is such hard work though. I also seem to feel hot a lot.

Anyway he's sensing something isn't right and keeps coming to try to give me hugs

The silent treatment isn't going to fix things. Why don't you sit down and have a serious conversation about how you're feeling and what needs to change before baby comes, while little ones not there?

Tell him what's going to happen if things don't change. You need to advocate for yourself here OP.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.

So many quotable sentences in that classic and that fits the bill so well.

He's home today and is letting you struggle to get your toddler ready for nursery

What a twat

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

He's home today and is letting you struggle to get your toddler ready for nursery

What a twat

I just can't be bothered. He acts like you've asked him to donate an organ and huffs and puffs and is angry and fed up.

I can't be bothered with his shitty attitude and I can't be bothered to explain it to him again. He never listens. Or he tries to improve and then gets worse again and suddenly I realise I'm still running around after him. He just doesn't want to do it or doesn't think he should be doing it and that attitude I don't think I can change.