Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

337 replies

DonnyBurrito · 15/02/2022 17:17

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 15/02/2022 19:19

There would be absolutely zero chance of me letting this bitch anywhere near a baby of mine. Hell would freeze over first.

Do NOT facilitate this at all. I haven't voted because your options are all wrong. You should be cutting contact with her.

Yeahthat · 15/02/2022 19:19

Your SIL gets no say in how you bring up your baby. Time for your partner to stand up for you and put a stop to this nonsense.

Don't go down to their level; if they threaten or abuse you, deal with it via the police.

TacCat49 · 15/02/2022 19:20

I also support Option 3. This woman is toxic and she has absolutely no right to make demands on where/when she sees your breastfed baby. Your husband should be taking the lead in this but if he doesn't, I would tell her to fuck off big time.

Tinkerbell1980 · 15/02/2022 19:23

No way on this earth would I be facilitating a relationship between my baby and this woman! End of.

TrufflesAndToast · 15/02/2022 19:26

In true mumsnet speak, give your head a wobble! You’re honestly considering taking your child to spend time with someone who is abusive to her own son?! It’s your job to protect your child from people like that, not actively facilitate their involvement in his life!!

Nailsbythesea · 15/02/2022 19:26

Yes your DP needs to grow a pair and deal with his abusive mother.

Do not let him take your son without you.

Make sure you keep the recordings of abuse from your DPs phone - if he chooses his mother - mine chose me his wife and his children for a few months until his parents upped the anti and then he broke our family apart by siding with them - they had hit my husband in front of me and the children by this point. In the divorce he denied they were abusive and only by the skin of my teeth via an apology he thought he had burned (I’d photocopied it at work!) did I have any evidence despite police reports that he was abusive and they were.

Sadly you need to keep the voice mails. Do not get involved. Refuse to see her or for your son to see someone who threatens you or your partner.

Keep secret all the evidence you can. Sadly most relationships like this usually split due to the pressure and that point it will be what evidence you have to prove any abuse - your word or a text sent in the heat of moment will be seen as just that hor words and not abuse.

So protect yourself and your children and remember he is not defending you right now so he won’t be capable of defending you when you are not there

Thomasina79 · 15/02/2022 19:26

Personally I would never see this woman again and neither would my child!

She is toxic, toxic, toxic and you do not need her in your life and neither does your child.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2022 19:28

There is a third option you haven't stayed in your AIBU choice.

Do not visit this harpy.

Start disengaging from her with a view to never seeing her or hearing from her again.

Your DD doesn't need her, your DH doesn't need an abusive horror in his life, and you don't either.

Cut all contact.

Maybe look into moving a long way away.

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 19:32

What is this rubbish? Your dp tells his mum that she visits at your house only with you there. Otherwise she doesn't see him at all. End of discussion.

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 19:34

Sounds like mil is used to getting her way all the time. Anyone who questions the power is a threat. Treat her like you are trying to make a spoilt child better behaved and it will sort it out. Most people are okay once you get to know them.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/02/2022 19:35

Cut contact with her. Tell your DP you don’t want the baby anywhere near her. Keep any threats she’s made in case things escalate. If she contacts you and demands to see your DS tell her where to go. As others have pointed out, grandparents have no automatic rights to see grandchildren. She could apply to the courts but in view of past behaviour I don’t think she’d be successful.

Iamnotamermaid · 15/02/2022 19:36

Option C - if your MIL cannot speak to you in a civil tone you owe her nothing. If you give into her demands the situation will get more ridiculous and toxic. She is a bully and you both need to stand up to her.

Your challenge is getting DP to back you up. This is the reason she continues to be abusive - your DP gives into her. He needs to grow a set and either stand up to her or block her - then maybe the situation will improve.

ScurryfungeMaster · 15/02/2022 19:36

I wouldn't even consider letting her see my son after how abusive she's been let alone going out of my way to play by her rules.

QuantumHypothesis · 15/02/2022 19:37

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

This. Do not let her see your DC under any circumstances and consider reporting her to the police for threatening violence.
WinniesHunny · 15/02/2022 19:37

Aye, let your child be abused. That'll be a good idea. Better than confronting the toxic bitch.

Mylittlecoconuts · 15/02/2022 19:39

OP I know your husband wants to stay out of it but he is it making it worse by not sticking up for you and pointing out how awful her behaviour is.

She will continue to treat you this way unless he stands up to her because regardless of what he may say to you, saying nothing condones how she is treating you.

What will happen a few years down the line? Will he allow her to bad mouth you to your son??

It may be easier for him to keep the peace with her but he doesn't live with her, he lives with you and your child and if you are happy or stressed because of her, your son will pick up on it. That should be all that matters. He needs to tell her either you are all welcome as a family or none of you are.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 19:41

if MIL wants to see her grandson then she will need to meet her son somewhere he can walk to with the baby, simple really. bus or taxi ride for MIL and your dh can walk out with the pram and come back on his own

no need to be driving people around

MeridianB · 15/02/2022 19:41

@Mumoblue

Option C- document all instances of harassment and then cut contact.
This. Don’t think twice. Protect your family.
oakleaffy · 15/02/2022 19:41

Sounds horrendous-
Rather like a bad case from “Jeremy Bile” where families screech and don’t see the other’s point of view.
Ghastly old baggage.

BordelDeMerde · 15/02/2022 19:42

I just flipped my totally innocent wall the bird because your MIL isn't here in front of me. WTAF, Op? No to any of it. Block your ILs and refuse to drive your OP anywhere near them. The End. You don't have to have their drama in your life, so don't.

Summersnake · 15/02/2022 19:42

Cut all contact
She is no good for your baby or u

Suzanne999 · 15/02/2022 19:44

You can’t let this woman have access to your child, she sounds awful. I thought from some of your descriptions of her maybe she drinks?

I think you and DP have to come to an agreement and stick to it. Does he really need contact with his mother? Can he see the damage his mother has done to him? If she can have that effect on him how might she effect your baby? And I’d also be concerned about all these other random people in her house.
Hopefully your DP will see going NC is the best way for you, him and your baby.
Keep every message she’s sent just in case further action is needed.
Good luck.

BOOTS52 · 15/02/2022 19:46

Just have nothing to do with her and if she wants to see her grandchild she visits at your house and that is it. End of, no other discussion and it is your house and you stay with your baby and she shows you respect in your house or she can do one. She sounds absolutely vile and controlling and she is the one causing all the issues in the family and seems to revel in it. Just get on with your own little family and do not let her live rent free in your head. Enjoy your new baby and you and your little family and spend your time doing nice things together and ignore and block her on everything. I also think your other half would be better off not seeing her and going no contact and maybe getting some counselling as she sounds like a vile mother to him. Congrats on baby and enjoy and block all that trash family who love drama and gossip.

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/02/2022 19:47

Option C...cut contact. Bl9ck her, get your DH to block her,block SIL if you have to.

bunfighters · 15/02/2022 19:47

Why would you leave your defenceless baby with someone you describe as an abuser?

Your baby has also already communicated to you that this setting/person is very upsetting for him.

Read that back.

You obviously never go near her ever again.

This is your job as a mother, to protect your baby.