Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

She makes your DP (HER OWN CHILD) unhappy, she makes you unhappy, she makes your child unhappy.

Fuck this. Cut contact.

I normally roll my eyes at the typical hyperbolic MN 'LC/NC!!!', but in this I'm all for it.

If she is that abusive why is your DP exposing your DS to her?

She is his mother, but she has no rights to your DS and if she is harassing and abusing you both, then your DP should be looking to protect his son.

He needs to seriously think about why he allows her to do this to him.

Yup.
I wouldn't be offering my child up to someone who'd already fucked their own up.

YABU because you are still giving this woman a space in your life to abuse you and your husband.
Cut her the fuck off and get on with your life.
As for SIL and you falling out over YOUR DS, tell her to fuck off too. This is YOUR child and YOUR life. These people do not get to abuse and insult you and then play happy fucking families with your son.

Stop putting yourself in situations that stress you out. Life is hard enough and you don't owe these people anything just because you are married to a man that is related to them. From the sounds of it, going NC would be best for your DH too.

If DP wants to visit his mother that's his right. I certainly wouldn't be driving him or allowing DS to visit someone so toxic. DP really needs to see the abuse for what it is and but a stop to it all but that not always easy when being abused is your normal and it's all you've ever known.

Tell you MIL to just fuck off.
The very thought of me talking to DIL like that - she'd have my guts for garters.

OP,

I mean this kindly but your partner is so damaged and bullied, he is prepared to sacrifice his innocent child to his abusive mother.

This is horrific.

You cannot trust him to protect his child.

His mother has such control over him, he is terrified of her.

Your poor baby.

That your baby has come home distressed from an abusive environment is chilling.

Do not have more children with a man so damaged he would give a 6 month old baby to a woman that threatens both him and you.

I hope you involved the police.

You should consider going to stay with your family so that some space might give you some clarity.

You seem to be in a fog of abuse yourself.

I feel so sorry for your little baby.
Please protect this baby from this shockingly abusive, violent environment.

You may not realise it but normal people do not threaten to assault family members and send threatening texts.

This is not normal behaviour at all.

I chose YABU as like most posters I think you are nuts to even consider giving into her demands. Imo she gave up any 'right' to see her doctor when she abused their parents.
Why you would want to subject your dc to her is quite beyond me.

dc not doctor

Block her on all channels. Don't invite her to your house. Do not facilitate a relationship with your child. She is toxic.

He'll have a very easy life if he cuts contact.

Sorry @DonnyBurrito DP, you need to grow some balls and really have her back.

Your mother is abusive and she has no business being anywhere near your DC.

Cut contact. Everyone's life will be better for it.

I would be worried MIL will persuade your partner to leave and then will get access without you whenever her son has your child. You will not be able to prevent this unless you have evidence she is a danger to your child.

You and your DP are in thrall to this woman, and now you’re allowing your little baby to be used as a way to remain in thrall to her.

You are parents. Time to grow up and be good parents to your child. Better, for example, than your DP’s mum was to him. Your childhood is over. You don’t have the option of not facing this, because the consequences will be felt by your baby as he grows and the poor kid will rightly blame YOU. It’s not fair for him to suffer the consequences of your inaction.

Leave her be. Tell DP to block his phone and get himself sorted out. You’re an outsider, it’s easier for you to stand between them. Do it for your child, if not your partner. If you can’t or don’t want to: leave your partner. Your baby is innocent in all this.

Neither. Whether or not DP goes LC or NC is ultimately down to him but she has no right of access to your child and you should not facilitate it.

You husband is facilitating your MIL to abuse you. He needs to stop the cycle. Go NC with the lot of them.

How could you possibly baby a 6 month old too much?

Those aren't the right choices, OP.

The choice is should we go NC or not?

And you definitely should.
And suggest your DP get counselling for dealing with it and learning to accept it's ok to cut off toxic people from your life.

Fuck her, she sounds vile. She’d not be seeing my son.

@EmpressSuiko

She’d never see my child again! What a toxic woman!

Totally agree

I'd do nothing and say nothing and carry on living my life.

If DP asks for a lift to his mums, only do it if its on your way somewhere, or he can pay for a taxi, or get someone else to take him.

While you are the child's mother, you shouldn't flat out deny access. As your child grows, he will make up his own mind about going to his grandmother's.

I certainly wouldn't facititate it though.

Do not, under any circumstance, facilitate contact between this woman and your child.

She has emotionally abused your DH and behaved aggressively towards you. Please don’t let your baby grow up to think this is ok, teach them that boundaries are important instead.

A relationship with a shitty grandparent is so much worse than not having a relationship with a grandparent at all.

I feel sorry for your DH… but you need to protect your child more than you need to help him avoid confrontation (which isn’t working anyway).

Good luck .

Keep you baby away from abusive people.

Grandparents like this do not enhance their grandchildren's life, they make it worse.

I'm very puzzled that she's criticised you for babying your actual baby. He's 6 months. He's still breastfeeding.

In what world would it be possible, let alone reasonable, to treat your baby in any other way than as a baby?

OP, the thing is, you have been bullied and brutalised by this awful woman. But actually, you don't owe her anything. You don't have to do anything she says or demands. At all. You don't need permission to tell her 'No'.

You also aren't your husband's meat-shield, you shouldn't be taking the flak just so he doesn't cop it.

If he wants to please mummy he can, but without you or your son.

Tbh, I'd tell her no.

There is no way I would be helping to facilitate contact with her or SIL.

I don’t think I would have her in my house and I would say DP can take the dc to a local cafe and meet her there IF he wanted to, but I would seriously suggest he cuts contact.

His family sound awful and I would think spending as little time around them as possible has to be a good thing.

Your DP would have a much easier life if he knocked this toxic relationship on the head. It's not good for you. it's not good for him, and it definitely isn't good for your baby. Do you really want this woman dripping her poison onto your baby? Really, you want you baby to exposed to someone like this? Nah, tell her to fuck off once and for all and be done with her. You will all feel so much better for it.