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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

337 replies

DonnyBurrito · 15/02/2022 17:17

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

OP posts:
rachelvbwho · 15/02/2022 18:27

Another vote for option C. She can't treat you and your DH like that and still expect (demand) to see your son!

HiKelsey · 15/02/2022 18:28

Take it from someone who has tried to facilitate a relationship with the in laws when ex husband didn't want to be involved. It's not worth it! What's to say your MIL won't be mentally and emotionally abusive to DS? My MIL agreed to see DD once a week every week, we are on 1 actual visit in 8 weeks.

Is it worth it for you DS? I've got to the point where it's more damaging mentally than it is beneficial.

Cantleave · 15/02/2022 18:29

I have voted YABU, because to be honest both the scenarios you suggest are ridiculous! She has told your DP that she doesn’t give a shit about him, she emotionally abuses him and threatens him with violence. She has banned you from her house, verbally abused you and also threatened that she would 'be paying me a visit'.

Why on earth are either of you facilitating any sort of relationship between this horrible woman and your ds? You should all be NC with your DP’s family. That you have allowed your ds to go to her house to the extent that “he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable” is unforgivable. You are his parents and should both be protecting him from this abusive relationship!

Exactly what benefit do you think, having this family in his life, is bringing to your ds?

LAMPS1 · 15/02/2022 18:30

No way would I leave him in that distressing environment created by MIL. Not ever.
Make your expectations clear. If MIL wants a relationship with your DS, she graciously accepts your kind invitation to your house and demonstrates to you and DH that she agrees that you know best about what is right for your own child. She must learn your ways and drop the entitled, aggressive attitude if she wants to be invited again.
If she kicks off, then at least you will know you have tried.

Sciurus83 · 15/02/2022 18:30

Option C Option C!!

ChargingBuck · 15/02/2022 18:30

After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

Riiiight ... fuckity-bye then.

Really, Burrito.
She's appalling to her son, she's physically threatening, & you don't need to ever see her again. No way would someone who offered violence to me or mine be allowed anywhere near my dog, let alone my baby.

I sincerely hope DH is not so bound up in family FOG that he would find it difficult to agree.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

BunsOfAnarchy · 15/02/2022 18:31

For the love of God. Do not take your child to this woman.

ChargingBuck · 15/02/2022 18:31

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

Yup.

buzzandwoodyallday · 15/02/2022 18:32

Tell her to get to fuck and if your DP doesn't back you then tell him the same.

Clarice99 · 15/02/2022 18:32

There's no reasonable option to vote for so I abstain.

We need another option:

tell MIL to fuck off and never allow her to see your DS again

That's the option I'd vote for and it's the one you should be enforcing to keep your child safe from this bat shit crazy woman.

ScatteredMama82 · 15/02/2022 18:32

No is a complete sentence. Why on earth are you engaging with this at all?

Kuachui · 15/02/2022 18:33

why would you let an agressive woman see your child??

Tulips21 · 15/02/2022 18:35

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

Agree. Why on earth are either of you in contact with her, why would you want your Ds to see Mil? Go NC. Get a backbone and stick up for your Ds- He doesnt need that toxic woman in his life
Blue4YOU · 15/02/2022 18:36

OP
You are not married or living with the baby’s father - right?
So he is a boyfriend.
His mother has absolutely no - that is she has zero- rights to see your child.
I would personally report her to the police.
Your boyfriend can make his own choices.
I have no idea why you would let your child get into a proper state of distress at such a young age, for no good reason. By good reason I mean like innoculation or something.
Don’t pander to this bullying, dangerous woman.
Unless your opening post is misleading she is not your MIL - and not your family.
I reiterate she should be reported to the police.

Whatwouldyoudo24 · 15/02/2022 18:36

I really value my children's relationships with their grandparents, but as there are issues with both my mother and my FIL I’ve always been very clear that they are not immediately entitled to a relationship simply because they’re grandparents, and if the relationship becomes detrimental to my children then I will end it.
Currently my FIL isn’t allowed any unsupervised contact with my children because both me and DH don’t feel comfortable unless one of us is there.
They’re your children, and you’re their advocate. I can guarantee if she’s happy to verbally and emotionally abuse you and your DP, she’s happy to do it to your DC.

WheresYourSnickers · 15/02/2022 18:36

I wouldn't be facilitating anything here! Don't drive them at all.

FelicityPike · 15/02/2022 18:36

I agree with everyone else.
Don’t let your child anywhere near this woman EVER again.
If she starts spouting about “grandparents rights”….there’s no such thing, tell her to take you to court, cost her a fortune for nothing.
Does your DP have your back on all of this?

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 15/02/2022 18:36

No way I would let the person who threatens to see the baby. If she was abusive to your dh, how can you trust her with your dc? She will likely to be the same, if she doesn't get her own way, or the dc doesn't please her wishes.
Is your dh ok to let his mother see his dc, knowing how horrible she was to him?

Original poster
DonnyBurrito · 15/02/2022 18:37

I have read all these comments with tears in my eyes as I was very prepared to be ripped apart for some reason. I guess that's what having someone be abusive towards you does.

It does come down to DP. He has my back in the sense that he doesn't agree with her, but he wants to stay completely out of it. I don't blame him really. He's had enough stress caused by her to last him 10 life times. I implored him to get counselling after she literally told him straight up that she did not give a shit about him, and he has been trying to access it through work since. I don't know why it's taking so long, to be honest I think he finds it easier to block it all out, play civil with her when she's willing just so he doesn't have to deal with the fact he has an extremely dysfunctional relationship with his mum. He doesn't want to piss her off any more, he wants an easy life and I don't want to cause him more grief by making things worse for him with her. He does want her approval, and to be honest I think he uses our son to get it from her. I've tried encouraging him to go NC until he's had some counselling and has some strategies in how to deal with her, intially he agrees, but he leaves a line of communication open and she will message and ask how DS is (never asks how DP is obviously) and he obliges by sending pictures and videos until he's back visiting her again. Then of course the cycle repeats itself.

I agree that she should have to come to us if she wants to see DS.

Thank you for the comments and support. It has helped strengthen my spine on this.

OP posts:
EmpressSuiko · 15/02/2022 18:38

She’d never see my child again! What a toxic woman!

Leeds2 · 15/02/2022 18:39

Tell her to jog on.

No way would I be facilitating contact with her by driving DP to her house, then waiting for his call to return. If she wants contact, she can come to your house. Providing she is civil to you whilst she is there. And providing you are happy for her to visit.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 15/02/2022 18:42

Ugh. Cut this vile abuser out from your life

Threewheeler1 · 15/02/2022 18:42

This is a horrible situation OP.
I wouldn't trust her at all.
She sounds abusive and frightening.
Your DP sounds so damaged by his childhood and ongoing relationship with her. Your instincts to protect your baby are right.
Keep her away.
Good luck.

AnotherMansCause · 15/02/2022 18:42

I would add, OP, if you waver on this matter (because you probably will at some point) - she's been awful to your DH since he was a child. She's awful to you. Do you think she'll change the habit of a lifetime & always be nice to your DS?

WheresYourSnickers · 15/02/2022 18:43

I agree that she should have to come to us if she wants to see DS.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander - seriously, don't let her into your house. She can't have it all her own way - you're not allowed into her house, but she'll expect to be allowed into yours. All while abusing you?? No, absolutely not, never going to happen!!