Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

[DonnyBurrito]

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

This ⬆️

I didn't vote either. Neither of you should be entertaining her demands and I would not want my DC around that atmosphere. Maybe attend events once or twice a year MAX. Or nothing.

Well, she won’t have you in the house, your DP can’t get there without you, or feed his baby once there so…. MIL has shot herself in the foot.

Oh dear.

You don't have to let her see your child just because she wants to. Do you think you do? The answer to your question is that if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head to all of you, she sees none of you.

Agree c - not a chance in hell she gets anywhere near your son

Another vote for option C!

Option c) go NC. End of.

YWB certifiable to do anything else.

why are you even entertaining her. I would actually report this as she has threatened you and you might need this on record for later on.

Apart from everything else, this lady needs to realise that hostile, rude, and threatening behaviour has consequences. Until she accepts this and apologises, she will not have any contact with her GS. And any contact will be according to your rules, not hers.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

Of course your DP can look after his own child.
And it’s up to him if he chooses to let his mum see his child.

We only know your side of things so you could have said something awful to SIL which was why MIL is so upset with you and I do think you are coming across as quite petty saying things like they’re all squeezed in one room like that is harmful to your child.

However I would not allow her to be rude to me and I would not have any contact with her.
I would definitely not be taking DS to hers whenever she wants and I wouldn’t allow her to make me feel guilty about it.

I think you need to take a step back and just let DP deal with her.

Your choices are both dreadful.

I wouldn’t want her in my house and I wouldn’t be driving anyone anywhere to make here happy. If your DH wants to see his mum, then he can figure out how to get there.

Man up and sort this.

Sorry I won't be voting on either of those. Sounds more like a case of going NC.

Not voting for those options as

DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own. But no way does MIL get to decide where YOUR son goes without you.

at 6 months NOONE was seeing my children without my agreement.

I would not facilitate access in this manner.
That has nothing to do with if DP can parent or not.

Given how she was with your DP and is now with the other children in the family, why do you think she'll treat your child any differently?

@Mumoblue

Option C- document all instances of harassment and then cut contact.

1 million per cent this

Definitely option c. The two choices you offered us make no sense. Sounds like your OH needs to distance himself from this vile woman….

No fucking way would I facilitate contact between her and any child, she sounds fucking dangerous- physically if her temper is that bad and definitely emotionally and mentally in the longterm. I would tell my partner if he wants to see his mother/have contact with her that’s his choice but he is to never, ever have the child anywhere near her. To the point that if you were to ever split up I’d do everything in my power to keep her away from my child.

Why should she get to dictate the terms on which she sees YOUR son?!? She sounds absolutely vile and abusive, going no contact is in order. She doesn't deserve to see your son as far as I can tell...

I also didn't vote. I say option C - cut contact entirely with her.

Like fuck would I drive my husband and baby round to visit a woman who's threatened me.

I know I'm going to sound like such a dick and OP I really sympathise with you, but as much as it scares me there are people like your MIL in the world, it scares me even more that people can see that behaviour and think it's at all okay to let a vulnerable child around them.

I hope you realise once someone calls you names and threatens to hurt you or your partner, it is not only okay to cut contact between them and your child, it is imperative.

If there are mental health issues causing this behaviour and you really want to facilitate a relationship, it needs to be short visits supervised by both you AND your DP.

I need a third option. She’s awful to your husband, she’s awful to you. I can’t see why she gets any contact with your baby. You’re both mired in FOG about her by the sounds of it. Try going low/no contact.

She has no right to see your DS. Why are you allowing this? STOP immediately and if your husband doesn’t agree then he needs to be told all the reasons why this is just ludicrous!

I dont know how to vote OP. I am sure your dh can look after your ds perfectly well for a few hours and indeed should be given the opportunity to do so as it will help them bond. But I dont think he should take a baby near that abusive woman.

Why would you want your baby around someone who is happy to threaten violence?

@TurquoiseDragon

I'm not going to vote either way.

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

She makes threats to you and your DP, why on earth would you want your DS to have a relationship with her? She can demand you visit all she likes, but you don't have to go, and neither does your DS.

In fact, keep all the threats in case you need a restraining order.

This