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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aggressive MIL still wants me to facilitate contact with my 6 month old

337 replies

DonnyBurrito · 15/02/2022 17:17

Sorry this is a long post, I didn't want to drip feed through comments.

My MIL has recently threatened me via a WhatsApp voice note sent to DP, calling me all the abusive names under the sun and saying how I need to be careful or she'd 'be paying me a visit'. This was due to an argument over WhatsApp I had with SIL, which was in no way aggressive on either of our parts, we just don't see eye to eye on things relating to my DS who is 6 months old. It was a disagreement that got heated, we were both a bit shitty to one another, and we agreed to not speak again for the forseeable. She then immediately ran off to her mummy to tell her we'd fallen out. MIL then proceeded to rant and rave at my DP all morning about how awful I am and how he needed to 'grow some balls' and 'make a decision', and then aggressively threatened me. I have her number blocked on my phone as I've found her way too stressful and demanding to deal with since having DS, otherwise I'm sure she would have contacted me directly.

I'd just like to say at this point that I don't have these kind of disagreements or fallings out with ANYONE else other than this particular family! They are all pretty unpleasant, and MIL has made many enemies over the years. I digress...

This isn't the first time she's sent abusive voice notes to DP. Just before Christmas she sent him 3 horrible voice notes, emotionally abusing him, calling him abusive names and threatening to smack him in the mouth. Not out of character for her, she's been awful to him since he was a child. She even admitted she thought he was a PITA as a baby. After Christmas she told DP that she doesn't give a shit about him, she just wants to see DS.

The constant breakdowns in our relationship with her always come down to her demanding that we bring our DS to see her, regardless of how inconvenient it is for us all, including the baby. She refuses to visit him at our house. We say no, we can't visit you today. She gets angry, DP gets angry, and I get stressed and wish I'd found a man with a nicer mum.

She has now said I'm not welcome at her house, which is obviously fine by me as I don't like it at her house anyway, but she still wants me to bring DS round to hers so she can see him. I'm the only one who drives at the moment, so I would have to drop him and DP off and then go hang around somewhere nearby and wait until I get a call off DP to come and feed him/pick them up. He still breastfeeds on demand for both milk and comfort - DS that is, not DP 😁

MIL will be supervised by DP obviously, but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born. I don't want to do her any favours by running my son around for her, and then disappearing off so she doesn't have to deal with me.

Also, her small house (1 bed bungalow) is always very chaotic and loud, with lots of people scrunched into the tiny front room, TV blaring and her older grandchildren running around screeching and not listening to any adults. The two times in the past I have taken DS round and left him there without me he's got very distressed, verging on inconsolable (he is never like this anywhere else), but MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

DS spends 90% of his time with me, and sees his dad a few hours a day before he goes to work and then at weekend. He isn't as attached to his dad, so I don't want to leave him somewhere he has previously gotten very distressed, without being allowed in to comfort him myself.

So... AIBU?

YANBU - to insist on staying with DS if MIL wants to see him.

YABU - DP can look after DS fine for an hour or two on his own.

OP posts:
T00Ts · 15/02/2022 17:58

but it feels very unnatural to leave my baby with a women who has threatened me and my DP and shown us nothing but disrespect since DS was born

Then don’t. She has absolutely no rights to see your son at all. And when you completely cut her off, she’ll have no one to blame but herself. Though she will blame you.

I implore you though, do not take your baby to that awful place and leave him there.

MadMadMadamMim · 15/02/2022 17:58

Blimey.

Just block her. Don't ever speak or communicate with her again. Don't ever let her see your DS.

Simple.

VitalsStable · 15/02/2022 17:58

I think you should just tell her you won't be facilitating contact between her and your child as she isn't the sort of influence you want in his life and leave it at that. Don't get angry, don't swear and if she goes on and on send a text telling her the decision is final and non negotiable and block her.

Soul11Soul · 15/02/2022 17:58

Please don't allow your child to be caught up in this toxic dynamic. It is enormously damaging for small children to hear negative messages about their primary cargivers. Imagine how damaged your child's self esteem would become with her badmouthing you and their father.

NowEvenBetter · 15/02/2022 17:59

Why is your boyfriend allowing this shit? He can take himself to his mothers house any time he likes, but he does not get you to chauffeur him, or expose your kid to abuse for one second longer.
Step up and advocate for your child.

GrandRapids · 15/02/2022 17:59

I would NOT be dancing to her tune, bending over backwards to accommodate her when she's clearly an utter bitch.

This should not be your problem to solve. Your husband needs to tell her to fuck off once and for all and go no contact. She sounds evil.

SarahJessicaPorker · 15/02/2022 17:59

I don't think I'd insist on staying; I just wouldn't bring him over. She sounds awful

T00Ts · 15/02/2022 17:59

And yes, the insane argument with your SIL relating to your child struck me, too. What the fuck is wrong with this family that they think they have a say over your child, and the ability to exclude you?

Cstring · 15/02/2022 18:00

Option C - tell her to get to fuck and if she makes any more threats you will only be very happy to go to the police and do your very best to get the twat arrested.

Opus17 · 15/02/2022 18:00

Sorry but that woman wouldn't be seeing my son ever again

Crimesean · 15/02/2022 18:02

MIL disagrees that it's because it's too loud with too many strangers, and that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos.

WTF?! You can't "baby" a 6-month-old - he IS a baby! Confused

Babies naturally want their mother above all others, it's a natural survival instinct, especially in an unfamiliar, loud and/or busy environment.

Disengage, tell DP it's up to him what he does but you won't facilitate it. Saying you're not welcome but your child is is just rude and weird.

Personally I'd tell her to get in the sea.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 15/02/2022 18:02

Please don't leave your little baby somewhere where he has become so distressed he has become inconsolable! You are his mother - you have to protect him from harm at all costs.

Inertia · 15/02/2022 18:02

You and your partner need to step up and protect your baby from this abusive family.

You don’t leave your baby with someone who makes violent threats. This is parenting 101.

BertramLacey · 15/02/2022 18:03

that it's because I have babied him too much and he just needs to get used to the chaos

Aren't you, by definition, supposed to baby babies? Anyway, both your options are unreasonable. The only reasonable option is to go as low contact as possible with your MIL. Don't facilitate visits, don't engage, keep your child safe and away from her. Whether your partner sees her is up to him, but you and your DC should stay well away.

NCforThis2022 · 15/02/2022 18:04

This sounds like the sort of nonsense dp's ex mil would send. We'd do pretty much anything to get his dc away from her as she continually tells them that's he's a terrible person and their dm does nothing to stop it. Slightly different situation as we're a blended family, but also a good example of how toxic the situation can get for the dc when a grandparent is badmouthing a parent.

Cut contact and keep yourself and your baby away.

If you genuinely feel that you can't do that, be very clear with your dp about rules around supervision when his mother is seeing the baby. Set them out in writing if you have to.

BeenHereForAges · 15/02/2022 18:04

Hell no!
Keep this awful woman away from your baby. If DH wishes to see her he can get the bus on his own.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 15/02/2022 18:04

I didn't vote for either because both awful choices.

You are the advocate for your son-be one and keep him away from the whole mess.

Do not consider any of her ridiculous requests-I have never suggested this before but I would grey rock/go NC.

Shortpoet · 15/02/2022 18:05

If your in the UK, grandparents have no rights to see grandchildren, UNLESS they can prove they have an established relationship with the child.

So do not facilitate establishing a relationship with this woman! If you and your partner split it could cause problems. There was a previous poster on her that had court ordered contact sessions for her own children and her abusive mother. It’s rare, but it can happen.

Personally I’d say to you DH that you and child are a package deal. No contact with MIL without you. Personally I’d go for full cut off, but if he insists I would agree to only meeting in a public place twice a year with both parents. If MIL says that isn’t acceptable, then she can go whistle.

And I agree with others, your SIL doesn’t get a say. Shut down the conversation the second it starts. Don’t argue, justify or explain. She doesn’t get a vote.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/02/2022 18:05

I go for this as the option:

I vote for option C, cutting contact with MIL.

You've said that you're the only one out of you or your DH that can drive currently, so until your DH can drive, the answer is no.
You also don't want your children around someone who disrespects their mother.

Your DH has to tell her this though. There is zero point (I'd imagine) in you breaking this news to your MiL - it has to come from your DH to have any possibility of registering that neither he nor you are pushovers where this is concerned. He should also tell his mother to butt out of conversations that were had when she wasn't party to any of it and as far as you were concerned the issue was dealt with. Your SiL is an adult and you're an adult and you've had an adult disagreement and that is the end of it.

That's my take on it.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 15/02/2022 18:08

Where is DP here? MIL has no rights to see your DS and I would not be helping make that happen.

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 15/02/2022 18:08

I'm not sure why you'd want your child to see her with or without you?? You can just not see this woman at all, she has no rights as a grandparent. My own in laws are a bit like this, awful to me and my husband but then think they can have a relationship with our children. Why on earth would I facilitate a relationship with them?

MrsCBY · 15/02/2022 18:09

Protect your son and don’t expose him to this toxic, abusive woman at all.

ImFree2doasiwant · 15/02/2022 18:09

Don't take him at all.

Wnikat · 15/02/2022 18:10

No one who sent me abusive messages would be seeing my children

rolypolydoly · 15/02/2022 18:10

No. No no no no no.

Don't expose your child to this toxicity, it will leave a stain