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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my child is too young for a sleepover?

316 replies

Newgalintown · 15/02/2022 11:32

My daughter is nearly 8. She is friends in a group of 3 of them. Both these girls parents have alluded to the fact they're planning a sleepover for their daughters' birthdays.

AIBU unreasonable to say DD is too young for sleepovers? I just don't feel comfortable with it - even though I know the parents well (one set more than the other). Equally don't want DD to miss out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Quornflakegirl · 15/02/2022 16:23

toomuchlaundry never had the opportunity for these sleepovers, I wouldn’t let them sleep over with clubs with people I don’t know, school doesn’t offer residentials until year 6 and we have no family in this country. Covid or not they wouldn’t have slept out for these things.

Deadringer · 15/02/2022 16:24

I am generally a benign neglect sort of parent but i have never been a fan of sleepovers. Mine never really did them til about age 10 but it wasn't a problem as no one we knew did them earlier than that anyway.

toomuchlaundry · 15/02/2022 16:25

My best friend and I had sleepovers when I was at Primary School in the 70s. However, did only sleepover with her, not a multitude of friends.

Rewis · 15/02/2022 16:26

I think it's a good time to start sleepovers. If this specific family is not someone you are comfortable with then that's different than her being too young. I'm a brownie leader and we occasionally get kids in camps that have never slept without parents and its very hard for them to have thay first experience in that environment. Soon there will be overnight things in school, friends, hobbies etc. And the Korean used to it you are the easier it will be.

toomuchlaundry · 15/02/2022 16:27

@Quornflakegirl will you let them go on the Y6 residential, and will they cope if they have never slept away from home?

Waddlegoose · 15/02/2022 16:29

I don’t think OP is worried about the child’s age. They are more worried about the child being in care of adults she hardly knows or vetted. Which I completely get.

I’ve already said we limit sleepovers and it will only be with parents we are comfortable with.

Waddlegoose · 15/02/2022 16:30

Sleeping away with brownies / cubs etc is different all leaders are dbs checked and risk assessments completed

RisingSunn · 15/02/2022 16:30

I also wouldn’t allow sleepovers at this age. Except at their grandparents.

Rewis · 15/02/2022 16:33

And apparently my phone thinks younger and Korean is the same word.

Tonsellectomjy · 15/02/2022 16:35

Quite how many people are happy to let their kids sleep over with complete strangers is just perplexing to me.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 16:36

@coodawoodashooda

I'm not a fan of sleepovers. I don't understand the appeal at all.
But it's not about you.

It's about your kids.

Tonsellectomjy · 15/02/2022 16:37

It's about your kids.

All the more reason not to allow it.

worldvisa · 15/02/2022 16:41

@Tonsellectomjy

Quite how many people are happy to let their kids sleep over with complete strangers is just perplexing to me.
you realise it's not just randoms plonked from the street, do you...
Lavendersquare · 15/02/2022 16:41

@Newgalintown I'm with you about sleepovers I don't feel comfortable sending my DD9 to sleep in houses that I don't know really well.

Things that bother me are:

  • will older siblings be present. If so what if they also have older children there?
  • what if it turns out that the parents smoke?
  • will the parents be drinking?
  • what if something abusive happened to DD?

That's why I don't do sleepovers, they're overrated and imo best kept for grandparents or friends we know really well.

Quornflakegirl · 15/02/2022 16:42

toomuchlaundry it’s not a matter of them not being able to, they don’t want too. If they want to go on the year 6 residential then they can, however, being almost 12 at that point is different to being 7 like the poster’s dc.

LittleOwl153 · 15/02/2022 16:42

I think it depends onnwhats bothering you OP.

My dd went on her first Brownie camp aged 7y3m, and my son would have done his first Beaver camp aged 6y3m if it wasn't for Covid - did his first Cub camp aged 8. Both will go/went away with school in yr4 so 8-9yrs. The school trip is often the first for many.

My dd never wanted to stay with friends even for birthday parties etc. Ds hasn't had that option yet but I think he would go without issue.

Is it the sleeping out without you/dad or is it the other parents who you don't know / aren't qualified that bothers you?

toomuchlaundry · 15/02/2022 16:43

And how many grandparents and other relatives have abused children, how many dads, stepdads?

DS has not been particularly bothered by sleepovers, but has been on camps and residentials. Interestingly, most of the parents of the friends he has had sleepovers with are in professions where DBS checks are required, and DH and I both have them too. Although a DBS doesn't give you 100% security, and it wasn't something we checked when he went on a sleepover.

Quornflakegirl · 15/02/2022 16:48

I know my parents would never do that, I had an upbringing free of abuse 😳

ExConstance · 15/02/2022 16:49

My sons went to and we hosted sleepovers from about age 5. It was only in secondary school that we had large numbers sleep over for parties etc. At 5ish we would just have one or two friends over and they would reciprocate later, until we had got through the whole friendship group. It was all very worthwhile in developing friendships and interests that lasted for years. Those boys whose parents said "no" - usually I think because they were not prepared to have other children back had a harder time maintaining friendships within the group. They always got really excited about having a "midnight feast" or staying up late to watch a video but in reallity I don't think they went to bed much later than they would have done at home.

Christmas1988 · 15/02/2022 16:51

YANBU I think 7 is too young too but somehow I’m hosting a sleep over for my 7 year old son on Friday, I’ve been talked in to it.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/02/2022 16:51

@Tonsellectomjy

It's about your kids.

All the more reason not to allow it.

What a miserable attitude.
Fairislefandango · 15/02/2022 16:51

I don’t think OP is worried about the child’s age. They are more worried about the child being in care of adults she hardly knows or vetted. Which I completely get.

The OP said she thought her dd was too young. The thing is, if it's predatory/abusive males you're worried about, presumably you wouldn't let your dd go at any age. Do you really think that a 14 or 15 yo girl is going to be safe and confidently able to extricate herself in those circumstances? Plenty of adult women couldn't.

My dd is 16 now, but went on sleepovers from around that age. I think it's bad to inflict your anxiety on your dc.

Phormiumjester · 15/02/2022 16:56

@Waddlegoose

Sleeping away with brownies / cubs etc is different all leaders are dbs checked and risk assessments completed
That only means they haven't been caught yet. It's not a psychiatric character analysis. It's a background check.
sharksarecool · 15/02/2022 17:12

If you don't let her do sleepovers then she will miss out. Picking up late in the evening is not a good solution: just as the others are settling into yhecexciting part with sleeping bags, snacks etc, your poor DD has to go home.

Be honest with yourself: is the bottom line that you are worried your child will be molested by her friend's parents? If you can't think of any other specific legitimate concerns then it probably is.

If this is the case, then you are being massively paranoid. And it makes no difference how well you know the parents. Every basic safeguarding course teaches that you can't spot or predict who is an abuser. So even if you've known a family for years and all get on well and go on holiday together, you still cant be any more certain than if you just met them for the first time at the front door when dropping off your child.

The bad news is you can't tell who is a child abuser. The good news is that most people AREN'T child abusers, so it's pretty safe to let your child sleep in a room with a bunch of other children in someone else's house for one night

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 17:21

I think if you're worried she's going to be abused whilst she's there then her age isn't going to make any difference and "knowing" the parents won't either. It's OK to make a blanket rule and stick to it, but it's be clear and offer alt like picking up late etc.

If you're worried she'll change her mind, arrange a call before bed and agree a code word if she wants an out / make it v clear you're fine with a 2 am wake up to get her if that's what it comes to