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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to explain non binary to me (genuine question)

584 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 15/02/2022 10:05

I have a new non binary person on my team at work (I am a manager)
They present as female-very much so in dress and grooming, they have a very feminine name too ,they have told me that they are heterosexual and live with their partner. However they want to be known as 'they' and the pronoun 'MX'
I am happily doing all this, I believe everyone should be comfortable and I will address people how they wish to be addressed.
I'm a teacher so my new member of the team is continually being misgendered by the students (due to the incongruity of appearance and pronoun) we have other non binary more androgynous looking staff who are not misgendered.
My new staff member is a nice person but they are very aware of correcting people, and have already complained (not about me)
I'm keen to do this right and not offend but also despite trying to read around the issue, I cant find much about non binary females who present in a feminine aspect.
This is not a bait thread or a stealth moan. It is a genuine question. Anyone got any experience with this?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2022 15:50

Imagine a middle class white male having the audacity to tell a working class woman of colour that she is privileged.

Oh.

We don't have to imagine it.

Amazing scenes.

Crazy times

Marcipex · 15/02/2022 16:07

So MX is pronounced MIX?
So MX Smith ?
It sounds like MickSmith? Would I be saying it correctly?

babyjellyfish · 15/02/2022 16:10

@Marcipex

So MX is pronounced MIX? So MX Smith ? It sounds like MickSmith? Would I be saying it correctly?
I think if you called them MickSmith you would be mxgendering them.
IntermittentParps · 15/02/2022 16:11

Sadly I haven't been able to expunge the mental image of someone showing their cervix on live TV.
Do what now?
I vaguely know the name India Willoughby but this cervix thing has passed me by.
I hardly dare ask, but... what happened exactly?

babyjellyfish · 15/02/2022 16:15

@IntermittentParps

Sadly I haven't been able to expunge the mental image of someone showing their cervix on live TV. Do what now? I vaguely know the name India Willoughby but this cervix thing has passed me by. I hardly dare ask, but... what happened exactly?
Oh don't worry, India didn't show her cervix on TV. But she offered to.

She doesn't have a cervix or even appear to know what one is, obviously.

ViceLikeBlip · 15/02/2022 16:27

@FatFilledTrottyPuss

Non binary people recognise that there are stereotypes associated with biological sex. They feel that these stereotypes don’t fit who they are as a person so they have decided that they are neither male or female instead of realising that stereotypes are rubbish and don’t define any of us unless we let them. Remember back in the olden days of yore when girls were brought up to believe we could be or do anything despite our sex? It’s the opposite of that.
Perfectly explained.
IntermittentParps · 15/02/2022 16:36

babyjellyfish, thank Christ for that.

FOJN · 15/02/2022 16:38

PuzzledObserver

That wiki entry is very interesting. I'd be willing to bet 5 years ago it said something very different. The reality we knew is being memory holed. I've noticed these kinds of changes many times.

People with DSD's are not a third sex, sex is not a spectrum and it is not related to gender identity disorder.

FOJN · 15/02/2022 16:40

Oh don't worry, India didn't show her cervix on TV. But she offered to.

To be fair if India had a cervix and had shown it on TV it would have added something new to the discussion!

SexyLittleNosferatu · 15/02/2022 16:47

There is a doctor, yes a medical doctor, on tiktok who repeatedly tells people that she isn't a she and is non-binary. If doctors are telling young people this is possible, what hope does average Joanne Bloggs have?

Larryyourwaiter · 15/02/2022 16:51

You must work in a very different school to me. If someone tried this where I worked it would not work at all. I imagine the students would use it as a challenge to mis gender them constantly and wind them up.

montysma1 · 15/02/2022 16:54

What a crashing bore this individual sounds.
They is plural.

babyjellyfish · 15/02/2022 17:02

@FOJN

Oh don't worry, India didn't show her cervix on TV. But she offered to.

To be fair if India had a cervix and had shown it on TV it would have added something new to the discussion!

Frankly, the only people who need to see anyone's cervixes are gynaecologists and midwives, none of whom have any trans women as patients.
PurgatoryOfPotholes · 15/02/2022 17:02

According to TikTok, the saying is "even when I'm fem, I'm still a them".

Also: "non-binary people don't owe you androgyny".

UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow · 15/02/2022 17:21

People saying things like "they is plural" do you never say in response to a question like "where's Sarah gone?" Something like "they went to the shop"

I probably half the time say he/she and half they just in reference to people in general.

I think this whole none binary thing is stupid but I don't understand peoples problem with saying they generally.

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/02/2022 17:25

I would say "she's gone to the shop" in your example because either I know that Sarah is female or I have made a judgement that she is likely female. I would only use "they" as a singular for an unidentified person who I didn't know the sex of and had no indicators either way.

UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow · 15/02/2022 17:31

I'd mostly use she too but saying they wouldn't be wrong would it? It doesn't always mean plural?

I could be wrong, I'm not the smartest person Grin

RoseslnTheHospital · 15/02/2022 17:39

"They" isn't always plural, no. As I said, you can use it to refer to an unidentified person or a person whose sex you don't know.

I don't know about grammatically incorrect, but it isn't usual to use "they" to refer to someone who you know and know the sex of. You could use their name, or he/she as matches their sex. The point oh pronouns in language is to help indicate who you are referring to, for clarity.

Lostinafjord · 15/02/2022 17:40

@DdraigGoch
OK, I was just trying to guess where they could be coming from

Lostinafjord · 15/02/2022 17:41

@TheKeatingFive

I think it just means they feel neutral, neither male or female. How they dress may be because they feel a split between their body and their mind/soul? So presenting the body in a feminine way is fine to them, it's their mind/soul/sense of self that feels non-binary.

And we think it's reasonable to ask teenagers to absorb and act on all of that? 😵‍💫

No.
terryleather · 15/02/2022 17:41

They is very upset by the mistakes. I don't really know how these people are actually able to function.

Oh they and their Cluster B siblings in arms function just fine while they are able to weaponise their fragile identities to control and dominate all interactions, including interactions with children which is beyond the pale quite frankly.

Trying to facilitate these individuals is a fools errand as they will never be satisfied - that's the whole point.

TheMarzipanDildo · 15/02/2022 17:48

@UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow

People saying things like "they is plural" do you never say in response to a question like "where's Sarah gone?" Something like "they went to the shop"

I probably half the time say he/she and half they just in reference to people in general.

I think this whole none binary thing is stupid but I don't understand peoples problem with saying they generally.

Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it sounds really unnatural and ambiguous depending on the sentence (I live with a “they”!)
mummykel16 · 15/02/2022 17:53

@UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow

People saying things like "they is plural" do you never say in response to a question like "where's Sarah gone?" Something like "they went to the shop"

I probably half the time say he/she and half they just in reference to people in general.

I think this whole none binary thing is stupid but I don't understand peoples problem with saying they generally.

Whatever I say shouldn't be compelled by anyone, it should be my choice
Notahandmaid · 15/02/2022 17:57

@LittleSnakes

Yes, I am rather nervous as they said middle aged women in jobs above them are triggering to them wtf??? Imagine the hell that would break loose if you said that you were triggered by younger non binary women.
Sorry - but this comment made me laugh - “younger non binary women”. It just shows the mental gymnastics involved in this non binary rubbish. We’re all either male or female - but someone who claims to be “enby” would not therefore want to be described as a “non binary woman”.

(As an aside, I find it quite sad that so many young women want to adopt out of womanhood now. Yes, it’s crap being a woman at times but we can’t change it so should embrace it.)

cuno · 15/02/2022 17:58

What a waste of time and resources that could be better spent on the children. Does she get any teaching done in between her correcting pronouns, complaining about Harry Potter posters, and tattletaling to you all the time?

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