To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

@PurpleNebula84

Just completely ignore them and never see them again - you don't owe them anything.

Look up other groups in your area, check out what your local library has on (I met my best friend at a bounce and rhyme session), see if there is baby sensory or baby massage groups. I'm sure you will find more accepting and actually nice people at these. Stay strong - it's not you, it's is 100% them. Xx

This.

They sound so awful.

I avoided a huge amount of the breastfeeding mothers as they were zealots, often droning on about the benefits and boring the arse off those around them.

So tedious to listen to, and I breastfed.

For a particular type of really dull woman, using breastfeeding as a stick to beat others is a window into their core personalities.

They are to be avoided at all cost, as it will continue as the children grow and they become THAT competitive parent.

Again, to be avoided.

The most important thing to a baby is a happy mother and that is why I stopped, I had had enough of it.

Feeling low after being in their company is a huge red flag.

I would rather be in the company of bottle feeding mothers than a bunch of bullying breastfeeders ANYDAY.

You sound like a great mum, doing a great job.

They aren't friends. Come out of the whatsapp chat and see if any of them contact you. If they do, say that you dread your meet ups due to how you are being treated. There are lots of playgroups re-opening now. I don't have a group of mum friends but always manage to find someone to chat to at these groups now we can move around the room more freely.

First time mums that don't have a clue what they are on about. They will soon learn! Good luck in finding a nicer, more down to earth group I say!!!

Your friends are idiots. I exclusively breastfed but have 2 friends who FF and always tried to be supportive. I gave one a lovely bottle warmer and made positive comments. You need new friends!

Stuff them!

Your baby will have friends his age don’t worry. All he needs is you for now anyway.

Fwiw my two breastfed children are riddled with allergies. The formula fed middle child was and still is the healthiest out of the three of them.

At 7 months old your baby doesn’t need friends so stop worrying about that. Baby groups/baby sensory etc is for mums to get out and see other mums not because babies need to socialise.

Your ‘friends’ are judgemental twats. They think they’re taking the moral high ground because they’re breastfeeding. STOP worrying! I have 3 children, all formula fed, my two eldest are excelling at school, youngest hasn’t started yet but is way ahead on all milestones.

Try and remember you met these ‘friends’ because you all had a baby at the same time, that is the common denominator, not because you share the same job or hobbies. My NCT group all drifted within 18 months once everyone was back at work and now 6 years later no one is in touch with each other.

It’s time to start finding new baby groups and classes that don’t include your toxic NCT friends, you’ll be happier!

The same thing happened to me. Bunch of jumped up snobs. I fitted their demographic (husband was a Dr, had a nice house) but all they talked about was my Northern accent! They just couldn't get over it. They used to pretend they couldn't understand me and I was even asked "Was I concerned that DD would speak like me?".
Funny thing is, despite having a "Northern" mother, my DC did much better at school and in life.
I made real friends at the local church hall toddler group, which was a mix of all types of people.

Drop them, they are not your friends.

Wow thank you all soooo much. I wasn't expecting such lovely replies!! You have all made me feel so much better. I have read every single one.
The truth is that before having our babies they were all soo lovely. After our babies arrived it's always a competition.. who rolled first.. who slept through the night for the 1st time etc

The feeding is the one that gets me every single time. We never talk about anything but feeding and the benefits of breastfeeding... and whilst I'm happy they can do it I just wish they would discuss something else. I tried to change the subject once and got "oh you don't understand" 😩
There's 8 of us and 3/4 of them seem to dislike me since the birth / feeding

But thank you all. I will start making excuses and not turn up anymore. Maybe it's time I see more of my old friends xxx

@emzz89x Sorry they have been so ridiculous.

People get very obsessive about new babies. Most of us are guilty of it in some respects and it is why the expression ‘pfb’ arose on MN.

I am the woman who talked incessantly to my bump and tapped by belly along to music as I thought my unborn baby would get bored.

They are obsessed with the feeding method of their babies, and not thinking about how you feel.

You have little to lose if it is making you this unhappy, so rather than just flounce, why not be clear and direct?

“It’s great that you are all breastfeeding, but whatever you think about it we are bottle feeding. As the odd one out I am finding the frequent comments and questions about it a bit much. Of course you need to talk about how you are getting on with breast feeding as our babies grow, but can we pause the comments and questions on the breast v bottle debate please? Thank you.”.

Yeah, fuck ‘em. Not many things as annoying as smug first time parents.

I went back to my NCT group a couple of times, but it was unbearable being the only one who had needed an emergency c-section and struggled to breastfeed. Even the NCT teacher seemed to pity me, ffs!

I found my ‘mum friends’ much later on down the line, when I had my second baby and most of the other women around had more than one child, we were all knackered and juggling, everyone had lost the OFB smugness and mostly just wanted a good supportive chinwag over a cuppa in peace!

I mean, try and hang in to these friends before you just ditch them?

PFB

Weren’t the NCT criticised some time back for trying to indoctrinate women into breastfeeding and natural childbirth. I’m sure they were.

I assume there's a group chat? I'd be honest.

Jake and I won't be coming out again. I've spent 7 months feeling judged for making the right decision for my child because it's different to what was right for yours. I'm fed up of the constant comments about feeding, size etc. and it's just become too hurtful. I wish you all well. Amanda.

Maybe they'll think twice before being so judgemental next time

Your son doesn't need friends. They're just small things he plays alongside. You need friends. They aren't friends.

Oh I certainly don't keep in touch with my NCT group, they were so stuck up and totally ignored me, felt like a spare part. I deleted them all off Facebook and glad I did.

They don't care about your feelings so why should you care about theirs? Ditch them asap. They're not friends.

7 month old babies don't have or need friends.

They need their mother.

If their mother isn't happy in the company of certain people thats bad for the baby.

Stop feeling guilty and do whatever you feel best for you. It won't affect your baby.

Go do another baby group. You are not tied to these women.

That's atrocious behaviour.

Cut them out completely - they aren't there for you and your baby, they want someone to judge and preach at.

I had my eldest via c section and although I tried to EBF she wasn't gaining the weight so I mix fed her and that's what worked for her.

My sister had to stop BFing as her son had severe allergies and it was near impossible to cut all egg and milk out of her diet.

Every situation is different which is why judging is so unhelpful.

Even if you just wanted to formula feed who cares? It's not like you're refusing to change his nappy!

I'd rather have you as my friend than any of these prissys.

Hold your head high 🌺

Please don't go back to this group!

Find another mum and baby group.

I would say if there is one or two of them you do like in your current group maybe keep connections if you feel like it.

I agree with what @Kybodjs says - some of them are probably having a tough time but putting a brave face on and saying what fits in so a 1-1 with the odd one might work.

My colleague at work is back after a year off with her baby son and she says she misses and doesn't miss all the mother and baby group side of things, said it's so competitive and clichey a lot of the time.

Oh OP that sounds horrible, do you get that vibe from them all or is there one or two in particular making those comments? I remember having really strong feelings about the ‘right’ way to do things when I had my first, although would never have commented on anyone else’s choices- but looking back it was entirely due to my own insecurities and fear of not being good enough. A few children later and I cringe a bit looking back and only have mutually supportive friendships. It’s hard enough being a new mum, don’t spend time with people who make you feel this way. 💐

It will be strange to walk into new groups and chat with new mums, but after a few weeks you'll find nicer people who aren't making you feel bad but happy. Also, going to bigger groups lets your DS mix with more DCs and pick friends too. Young DCs are like social passports as you can pop into groups for periods of time and meet new people, your DC will benefit from seeing new places with you too.

Go for a slow fade from the other group so it's left with no hard feelings if you bump into each other.

I will start making excuses and not turn up anymore. Maybe it's time I see more of my old friends

No need to make any excuses or explain yourself at all. You don't owe these bitches anything and they have hardly been too concerned about your feelings.

Just stop going to the group and reconnect with your old friends. I'm sure you will be so much happier.