To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

@emzz89x

Wow thank you all soooo much. I wasn't expecting such lovely replies!! You have all made me feel so much better. I have read every single one. The truth is that before having our babies they were all soo lovely. After our babies arrived it's always a competition.. who rolled first.. who slept through the night for the 1st time etc

The feeding is the one that gets me every single time. We never talk about anything but feeding and the benefits of breastfeeding... and whilst I'm happy they can do it I just wish they would discuss something else. I tried to change the subject once and got "oh you don't understand" 😩
There's 8 of us and 3/4 of them seem to dislike me since the birth / feeding

But thank you all. I will start making excuses and not turn up anymore. Maybe it's time I see more of my old friends xxx

@emzz89x - seeing as its competitive maybe you could try this...

Have a joke or chat around the competitive side and do a ha ha thing and see if they get it and lighten up. Maybe you could also say I love coming here but... and play on the sympathy vote.

My DB actually is thinking of doing a spoof film with single dads being competitive (he's in film/TV).

But old friends could be an idea too - those with and without babies. take care!

OP I was breastfed and natural birth, and I have a whole range of food allergies, plus hay-fever, asthma, the works. My nephews were bottlefed and are two strapping healthy young lads who love sport, and made friends mostly from nursery onwards. In all of my health investigations not once has any sort of medical professional asked what sort of birth I had and how I was fed, because providing I wasn't malnourished, it wasn't important. You're doing your best by your baby and every baby is different.

Urghh they sound awful! I'd have a look at local mum facebook groups they often have meet ups, go to rhyme time at the library, use meet a mum apps. Be brave chat and swap numbers. You'll find your tribe. Something tells me when you stop seeing your nct lot, they'll chose someone else to pick on, they need someone to feel superior too!

People can be such twats. I stopped going to NCT meetups when one of them made a comment about my son's constant arching.

My son is suspected to have cerebral palsy. It was a tactless thing to say, especially when I was surrounded by nt babies and struggling with the deal a birth injury left me with.

They're fuckers op. No friends is better than friends who pull you down.

I also wasn't able to breastfeed due to baby condition. It's such ableist nonsense the way breastfeeding is touted as superior.

Fed is best.
The end.

I have had a couple of groups of friends like this OP

I had to go NC with one group a couple of Summers ago - I felt very similar to you. Would return home crying after an afternoon with them for very similar reasons. They are now dying to know what happens in my life.

It is very common unfortunately and nothing personal towards you. Heaven knows why some groups of woman do this to single one woman out. It is bullying but difficult to call it that - particularly when we have all ‘grown up’ and going through these grown up expierences.

@QuiltedHippo

God they sound awful, mute the WhatsApp chat and be busy for the next few meet ups. Be vague and breezy it you happen to bump into any of them.

My BF baby is riddled with allergies BTW

And my eldest , who I nearly drove myself mad with trying to breastfeed after c-section and kept going to 9 months (becuase I was too stupid and perfectionist to realise I was damaging my mental health) has really really bad eczema even now at age of nearly 30. My second who I gave up BF with at 3 weeks, as a lightbulb went on, has no allergies whatsoever Not saying it doesn’t have a protective impact in population as a whole, but there are other factors impacting allergies- above anything else genetics! Forget them. Find a group you click with - baby will be fine

They are a bunch of losers and incredibly rude. I avoided NCT classes because of the poor reports I have heard about the information given out .
These people are not your friends…you will be better off without their company. Join a local toddler group with a better mixture of less judgemental people!! 💐

They are just silly and naughty! Maybe they are jealous you had a boy! I couldn't BF first child - boy, but did second - girl.

The NCT are a pretentious bunch of middle class wankers.

Try to find some normal mums in your local baby groups. Usually NCT mums are snobs or boring geeks.

10 pages in so I probably won’t add much. They’re not your friends, op. Just stop going. You will make other mum friends - have you been to baby classes / gymboree etc where they don’t go? I met lots of really nice people doing those.

They sound judgemental and horrible.

Sorry you've had such a crap experience with the group. Not sure about where you are but tots groups are all back on here. Take yourself to a few of these and meet a better variety of people.

And for what it's worth my eldest was only bf for a short time due to difficulties and then only formula, has no allergies and eats everything and was a healthy weight all through childhood
My youngest two were both bf til over 3 and both have intolerances. One of them was a CS and 11lbs and she stayed a beautiful chubbster til she was on her feet. Both are a normal weight too.

But kids who grow up with toxic, bullying parents will likely copy that behaviour at least in the early years, which I think is far more damaging than formula.

• oops- should clarify, I don't think formula is damaging!

I'm sure i'm one of many who binned off their NCT group. I think you either love it or hate it. For me the group was full of a certain type of mum I couldn't get on with. They also ended up bullying and excluding and I honestly couldn't put up with it. I left the whatsapp group after an incident where they deliberately tried to exclude me. Best decision i ever made. Total waste of space the lot of them.

I too worried about mum friends and my DD having other babies to socialise with. But its the best thing I did. The week after I left the group i walked into a baby class and bumped into a mum i knew from something else. After some surprise of what are you doing here we became friends, our DD's are similar ages. I've also met other mums at other groups, softplay. Theres loads going on if you put yourself out there. Espeically as your little one gets older. As they say when one door closes another one opens.

I'd bin them off but personally i'd want to say something. Perhaps "sorry i cant make any further meetups, formula milk seems to have brought out allergies and DS and I are now allergic to arseholes"

@ModerationInEverything

These women are not your friends. Friends support you and lift you up when you are down. YWNBU to just cut contact with them.

This!!

Op I am glad you got some good replies. Parenting can be tough and at the time you most need support, people want to put the boot in. However, the best advice I could possibly give you is to grow a thick skin and laugh it off because you have many more years of this.
“Do you think he will get allergies from ff?”
“Nah, he’s strong as an ox- all those vitamins have given him superpowers! Is you DD ok? She looks a little…sickly?” With a concerned smile.

Put on an invincible front no matter what they throw at you. You are shortly to enter the gladiators arena known as “the school gate”.
How clean is your house?
What is in ds’s lunchbox?
Has your DS reached x reading milestone?
Your ds HIT my precious little ANGEL!!!!

Etc etc.

Make your mantra strong, calm and unflappable and don’t let anything or anyone knock you down.

I think these ladies are “norming” by picking on you because you have a son. Why not back off for a few weeks, try playgroups, park, baby yoga etc. It might be when you go back they will realise they have missed you.

You must have been so upset, it’s a scary time being a new mum, and you don’t need people like this in your life OP. You are doing a great job, perhaps there is a little bit of envy too, if you are the only mum in the group to have had a son.

Your DH is right they are vile and their disgusting attitudes will come back to bite them on the arse. You sound like a fab mummy, enjoy your gorgeous bany.

They are not friends, they’re toxic. Get rid of them and find some real friends.

Stop answering their message and don't meet up with them. We had an even mix of feeding methods in my group - you are unlucky you are in a minority and that they are so judgemental. I breastfed and think formula feeding at night looks like hard work with going to the kitchen to get milk so making out you have it easy is ridiculous. I also know that formula is safe and that there are no well proven long term benefits to being breastfed over being formula fed in a developed country (read Cribsheet by Emily Oster). Are there baby groups near you where you can get chatting to other Mums and invite them for coffee to make some new friends? I have my second baby now and my NCT group no longer meet regularly so I enjoy chatting to mums at baby groups and have one I meet up with once a week.

Wow, I definitely didn't have this experience with my group, mix of boobs and bottle feeders, isn't it meant to be fed is best 🤷

I'd just exit and delete the WhatsApp group and block them on FB if they're on that, no first time mum needs that kind of negativity in their life, sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Find local groups that they don't go to and hopefully you'll meet some kinder mum's

Your DH is right - I wound leave the group. Your son will make friends when he is older and you can make some much nicer friends

These people are shit. I have three older kids, and do you know what no one has asked me since they were babies? How were they born? What did they weigh at birth? Did you breastfeed?

Seriously, no one gives a shit once you get past the baby phase. It all seems so encompassing now but you will move past it and find people who have more interesting things to talk about and who will be good friends to you instead of toxic frenemies who feel better about their own choices by putting you down. Enjoy your baby, maybe try some new groups, and forget NCT.

Completely agree with PP... ditch these bitches. I didn't do NCT because we just couldn't afford it, went to ante-natal yoga instead where I could choose like-minded people to hang out with.. these are the women I am still in touch with 10 years later! Some of them were second time mums which definitely helped to keep things 'real'!!! We did NCT for DC2 because I thought it would help my DH make some dad friends. They were all lovely, but guess how many we are still in touch with... zero.

I don’t think you need to make excuses, just stop engaging with the group. My NCT group started going quiet about a year in but then I stumbled upon their regular meetup and they’d started a new WhatsApp group and still met every 3-4 weeks just without me knowing about it. I was hurt at first but then decided that I don’t need to be around people like that, I’d tell my daughters not to behave like that so why would I accept it from adults?!