To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

Just one comment on the formula feeding - walk into a school classroom today and pick out which kids were formula fed and which ones were breastfed. You can't. As long as you are doing your best for your baby, no one else's opinion is worth fretting over. These women are not your friends.

Ditch them they are nasty judgemental bullies, and you don't need to make life harder for yourself by dealing with them.

You will find other Mum friends, sign up for a few mother and baby groups or activities. Try local churches they often run suitable groups, or ask on your town's Facebook group.

If there are one or two in the group who are more normal try seeing them separately. But don't be afraid to just drop the lot of them and go no contact if that is better for your mental health. These types of forced friendships don't always work and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

As a wild and possibly incorrect generalisation NCT groups can be a bit judgy.

I can see where you are coming from.

A bit too Laura Ashley when we went 35 years ago.

Leave them behind, they aren't being supportive, the only thing you have in common is having gotten pregnant at the same time. You got what you needed out of the classes, keep in touch with anyone individually you still get on with and move on. You wouldn't know any of them otherwise. Good luck and congratulations on your baby!

Mine was a bunch of weirdos too. These nasty women are NOT your friends.

Also your baby doesn't need friends - YOU DO. So I'd suggest you find some you like more. Just consider signing up to some different classes or playgroups and find some other women who aren't horrible.

Good luck. You're doing amazingly.

Honestly I would not bother with them . My first was mostly formula fed as he was born at 28 weeks. I did manage to express a small amount but not much. Second one same combination as she had an undiagnosed tongue tie. They are both FINE .

Honestly take break from them and find some other groups if you want to .

They are out of order and quite honestly rude.

Are you a bit different from them? Maybe poorer? Renter? Less middle class?

I found my nct group tricky, I think because all they talked about was skiing and noise prices.. I’ve never been skiing and rented.

Anyway just step away slowly, be busy on meet up days, respond less in the WhatsApp chat.
Make a real effort to make new mum friends, go
to playgroups and chat to people, invite people for coffee, some will say yes some no. But keep at it.

But just don’t flounce.

My dc’s ended up being in the same school as lots of the children and is really good friends with one of them.

Wtf?! Why are they being so mean?

Honestly @emzz89x just stop seeing them. I have no idea what their problem is but they don’t deserve your friendship.

Your baby won’t struggle for friends assuming he’ll be going to school!

Oh no, that’s horrible there’s a lady in our group who couldn’t breastfeed and she’s still doing an amazing job her baby is beautiful and healthy and she’s fine. No one knows who was bf or dd or combi or donor milk or anything like that by the time they start eating mud off the floor, McDonald’s or their own bogeys. These women aren’t your people. Maybe find a local parent and baby/toddler group and look for some new. Friends

I've got a friend who is still firm friends with some of the mums from her NCT group and her kids are teenagers. I lost touch with all of mine - nothing In common apart from babies the same age.

Yours sound horrible. Ditch them, find a local baby group and bob's your uncle. Your dh is right - they sound toxic. It's easy to meet new people when you have babies and toddlers honestly - there are much nicer people out there than your NCT lot.

Years ago the local NCT group was just as described. I dropped in a couple of times, wasn't keen on the atmosphere, but what put the lid on it was meeting the coordinator's free range feral children aged from 3 to 10 or so. Bloody hell. They were a mannerless and unwashed horde who ganged up on their mother and spoke to her in a fashion that could only be learned at home. Liberal mother that I was, it was too much for me. Find your people OP, they're out there. Enjoy your baby.

They sound awful, you poor thing. I've never wanted to join nct because of the "type" (no offence to you here) that it attracts. I breastfeed and I had natural births so I tick all the nct boxes, what I don't do is judge other people for how they feed their baby or anything else for that matter.

These people are really not your friends or very nice, please drop them and sign up for some other groups. I'm sure there are other classes or groups where you live, I promise you'll find some like minded nice people who aren't spewing the nct crap.

Such a load of BS. They sound incredibly ignorant and naive. They'll learn to stop judging once they've been parents for a bit! My DS1 was FF. Tried hard to BF but just couldn't get there. He is - and always has been - top of his year group academically and the strongest all rounder for all sports. Ghost them and forget them.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. You need mum friends who will lift you up and support you. Can you start going to a few local baby groups? I met some great friends through baby groups. Most Mum’s who are able to breastfeed aren’t judgemental about formula feeding, breastfeeding is hard and it doesn’t work for everyone nor does everyone want to do it either. The question about allergies is so unacceptable. I didn’t care how people’s babies were fed, just that they were nice people who made me feel good.

You poor thing! Definitely ditch them and find some mum friends who you get on with and who are genuinely supportive. I was really lucky with my NCT group but from what friends have said, their groups were less great and sadly when you are thrown together with a group of random people for no other reason than your due date, chances are you won't have much in common.

On a side note my 11lb baby was breastfed (the only reason I managed this was that he was my second baby) and he was in 12-18 month clothes by 6 months. It's called genetics! And it's not easy having a new baby however they are fed. You're doing a great job and it sounds like your baby is happy and thriving.

Just stop going. If any of them ask why just tell them you don't feel sanctimonious enough to fit in.

They sound horrible!

Just leave the wattsapp group (that’s what I did). If they ask why either say something vague like am in too many groups! Or be honest and say it feels like the moment has passed and we don’t have much in common anymore and I’m finding a lot of the negative comments about formula feeding hard to deal with.

This group is supposed to make you feel better, because you all support each other and share your experiences. Do you feel better after you've been, or worse? If worse, then just stop. It isn't the right group for you.

My area doesn't have NCT and my ante-natal group excluded me (and a young, unmarried mother), I think because they were all older and considerably better off than me, so perhaps they didn't feel we had much in common. Having a group to go to and not being so isolated might have helped me and I might not have had such severe PND, but my baby didn't suffer at all. He is 20 now and still has the same best friend as when he was 3 (they met at a mother and toddler group, and even though they would insist on playing next to each other, at that age they didn't really interact much unless they both wanted the same toy train!)).

Some people desperately need someone to feel superior to, mainly I think because they are so anxious about getting it right themselves. Try not to let it bother you, it isn't about you, it's about them.

Find something that makes you feel better, whatever that is. It might be a group, or something you do just with your baby, but it can be fun to try a few things anyway. If you come away feeling worse than when you arrived, then it isn't the right thing for you.

Do it. You don't need these people in your life. I had a similar experience with mine and I've never regretted it. Try different baby groups and see what works best for you, your son won't miss out. If anything, he'll gain from it if it makes you feel happier.

Ps I had the opposite: my whole nct group was doing controlled crying and I was doing attachment parenting lol - it’s just a random group of people, there’s no shame in ditching them if it isn’t a fit.

Oh I remember how horrible this was after having my eldest - for me it wasn’t NCT, but our local parent and toddler group. I had a big boy by C/S, bottle fed due to difficulties feeding and a SCBU stay. I was a single parent and had to go back to work FT, so I received a lot of shitty comments. I remember the head-tilting and judge comments - one mum in particular used to head-tilt, smirk and say how we sorry she felt that I had to go back to work after 6/12 (she was extremely wealthy and didn’t work).

I was ready for this after I had my second, and vowed I would stand up to this sort of shit, but luckily in our current town the mums I’ve met are so nice and normal this time!

Hi @emzz89x, there's so much of your post I could have written when I was on mat leave with my DC1. My NCT group all had girls and I had a boy, I was the only one to have bf difficulties and introduce a bottle. I don't think they meant to, but they made me feel left out and rubbish.

Seriously get rid of them. DC1 is 4 now and I don't regret cutting those ties for a minute. As pp said, they aren't acting like friends and you don't owe the anything. Just say you are busy for the next few meetups. In a month or two, if there's any individuals from the group that you like, reach out for a one to one catch-up.

You LO doesn't need friends quite yet, but you do. Have a look around at other groups you can try locally. Try a few things out. If they make you feel like crap, ditch them. Life is too short.

That's the worst thing about NCT groups- they can be judgemental.

I'd cut contact with them and find some nicer people to hang with

Absolutely cut them off. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life. Fed is best. (My kid was formula fed - he has no allergies, eats like a horse, is one of the tallest in his class. Your kid will be fine.)

NCT is a funny beast - you are thrown together with a bunch of women and the only common factor between you is that you have newborns. There were 8 of us in our group and I only really gelled with 2 or 3 of the Mums. Haven't seen any of the others for a good 6 years now. Find some other supportive Mummy friends

Maybe ask, via the WhatsApp, if anyone would care to join you in a non judgemental new group in a local cafe. Say clearly and bluntly that anyone is welcome but negative comments designed to make another mother feel inferior are not!

And then only pass on the details to people you like, tell the Mean Girl to sod off.