To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

Thank you! I will start looking up some baby/ toddler groups around us. Maybe not too close to where we live as the group attends quite a few classes around.

I never realised how low they got me until recently ..so I'm happy to cut them out of our lives.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Made me feel like a capable mother again 😊

I've found mums in baby groups awful. First two times I was really young I put it down to that. This time I'm ten years older, appropriate child birthing age and married.
Still found them terrible.
There's always the same group v.motherland.

OP if you go again you should tell them - 'My baby is fed, happy and healthy and I feel like you're judging me with your comments.'

Do not feel insecure or embarrassed about how you have chosen to feed your baby. You have no need to. Parenting is hard as it is without other mums piling on the pressure.

I hve three FF children; I had tubular breasts and augmentations and I tried with each (more the first two) so I felt the same as you not entirely confident with my decision and found it embarrassing when around a BF mums. I can assure you I have lovely grown allergy free (so far) healthy children ☺️

Your DH is right. Look for a new group with mums you gel with and if not then it doesn't really matter. baby will make friends for themselves when older. Then you have the whole world of school mums... 😆

@Velvian

That was a really shit comment from the other mum. However, I wonder if there is a bit of envy there. Mum's are really pressured to breastfeed, even at the expense of their own wellbeing. I would guess that the comment was far more about her and her own insecurities, than it was about you.

I expect those in the group that are BF feel like they can't move to bottles even if they really want to and it would be best for them and their baby.

I think this could actually be a very valid point.

Don't give them another thought and enjoy your lovely baby

@Number109

I don’t think you need to make excuses, just stop engaging with the group. My NCT group started going quiet about a year in but then I stumbled upon their regular meetup and they’d started a new WhatsApp group and still met every 3-4 weeks just without me knowing about it. I was hurt at first but then decided that I don’t need to be around people like that, I’d tell my daughters not to behave like that so why would I accept it from adults?!

That's so nasty 😞

I could have written this exact post 6 years ago. I struggled with combi feeding for 7 months while my NCT group told me that I just wasn't determined enough to breastfeed. By the time it came to weaning, they were horrified that I used a spoon to feed my child yoghurt.

I eventually realised how much they brought me down and cut ties. I was sad that I had missed out on the group of friends I had hoped to meet but never sad that I had removed negative influences from our life.

They aren't your friends at all, but there are other opportunities to make friends at different stages of your DCs life.

OP I don’t think it’s a case if they dislike you since the births. I think it’s more likely those 3/4 have decided you have nothing in common because you’re not breastfeeding so you’ve been sidelined.

Formula fed = fed.

They sound like a right coven. Dump, ignore and find a new baby group with nicer people.

Local baby groups and things are pretty much open now.

By seven months, library sing and rhyme sessions are fine.

Don't avoid local groups to avoid these women - imvhe, some new parents are absolute Group-a-holics and you can never avoid them!

Go, if they're there, smile and say hello, but hone in on people who basically seem kinder.

Your DH is right - these awful people are not your friends. Am amazed you have put up with this shite for 7 months. Get out!

Oh OP. Your baby does not need to be socialised; he is not a puppy. The purpose of baby groups for under-1s is primarily (and rightly) to provide community and support for the parent, so you deserve to find a group with people you actually get on with! Start gradually distancing yourself from this group - you will only be bringing forward by a few months what will happen naturally as you all start going back to work, unless they are all SAHMs. Don't burn any bridges, just start being busy when they are meeting up and try out a few different classes or groups.

you need support (like nearly all other new parents) that is what meeting with people from these types of group should be. You are not getting what you deserve please find people who will be good to you.

OP, you got 11 pages of advice.

Your baby is fed, doesn’t matter if it’s BF or FF, it’s fed. You are a capable mother, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

As for your NCT group- bunch of nasty, insecure people. Please find a new group, not all people have this crazy competitiveness in their heads.

I wouldn’t even make any excuses to the old group. I’d say straight into their faces that I’m fed up of nasty digs and belittling comments.

Congratulations on your beautiful son 🙂

You're not getting anything from the group, so leave. You will find other mum friends.

I would say though, the first year or so of motherhood is crazy and most women are dealing with sleep deprivation, crazy hormones, changed bodies, relationship changes, lifestyle change etc. It can drive you bonkers and it's not good for making people diplomatic or tactful. I'd walk away from the group but it's more likely they're thoughtless and chaotic than being deliberately malicious. Anything to do with feeding or sleep should be discussed with a huge amount of sensitivity.

Don't feel bad about formula feeding, everyone gives up breastfeeding eventually!

Woah they sound awful. Ditch ditch ditch, you do not need this kind of ignorance in your life. I was the only formula feeder in my NCT group but they were never anything but supportive. I did feel isolated from a lot of the breastfeeding chat and bonding over it - but that couldn’t be helped and absolutely wasn’t their fault.

Also the benefits to their babies of breastfeeding will be outweighed many times over by the disbenefits of having such awful women as their mothers.

I made the mistake of thinking that if I paid for NCT classes, I’d meet nicer mums. It was utterly not true and I paid for my snobbishness.

I found I gelled best with mums I met at council run activities e.g. at the library and Sure Start Centres. I still know mums from baby massage and story and rhyme time at the library, 16 years later.

Keep well away from these petty and unkind women.

I have two children. I didn't join NCT classes for either of them. We are doing fine without it and so will you.

They sound like pricks!

This is bloody awful. Leave this group now and attend some toddler groups and get chatting to other people. I'm a new mum who is combo feeding due to emergency section too and I would never judge anyone for going onto formula for whatever reason but particularly your situation. Hate judgy mums!

I can't believe what you've described. What a bunch of utter cows.

It could have been any of them that BF didn't work out for. And also fine if FF is the route you wanted to go down in the first place.

For what it's worth my boy was exclusively BF and we tried and tried to get him to take a bottle so Dad could share the load but he wouldn't. He would BF all the time and it nearly broke me, I lost so much weight and was exhausted for months. My boy was also a massive hunk so it's not just FF babies who grow like crazy. He was the youngest of my NCT group but the biggest by far.

Our NCT group didn't become very close unfortunately, probably because of all the lockdowns and the fact we were a bit spread out so travel was difficult at the time. We never really talked about feeding or weight other than some of the mums getting mastitis (another horrendous thing you're dodging!!).

Once the babies get beyond about 9 months everyone will be looking to wean so it will matter less and less as time goes on but I suggest you steer clear of these awful women.
Xx

Maybe try some toddler grouPs as these are not nice people , also I bf my son didn't stop him having ecxema though so they can't guarantee their child won't have an allergy either
You want supportive friends , i only became friends with one mum from my group as we are both non judgemental people so got on and are still friends 18 years later , we hates all the competition of some of the others in group about their amazing child crawlinG at 3 Months etc etc

They sound absolutely toxic.
Your baby is happy and healthy - forget these bitches

What a bunch of bitches! Block or ignore them - no explanation. They obviously feel insecure about themselves in some way to feel they need to be so mean to another woman in the same position as them (regardless of how their baby is fed).

Send a link to this thread to your group chat and flounce.

I'm joking. Kinda.

Jesus Christ when will people learn being lucky enough to breastfeed )and it is down to pure luck) does not make you morally supportive -it’s just down to good fortune. I’d drop them a note saying their toxic attitude is far worse than anything you feed your baby and formula/breast milk choice will soon be replaced with haribo, chocolate and McDonald’s or simply Block and delete.

Find another group let these cunts find someone else to bully. I’d bet my bot dollar in a couple of months one of them will contact you saying the group are treating her like shit now - they are obviously insecure twats

Morally superior not supportive