To want to get married without the wedding

[sarah13xx]

We’ve been engaged for a while now and have a baby. I’ve never liked the idea of having all eyes on me, have never had birthday parties or anything because it just fills me with dread. The thought of having a wedding where it involves walking down an aisle, having to speak in front of all the guests (we’d need to invite so many by the time we add them up), sit listening to speeches about me/us and just generally being the star of the show all day fills me with a sense of panic. If I got swept along with it and booked something that my mum, sisters etc would like I fear I’d then spend the next however long until then just regretting it and dreading the day 🙈

Aside from all of that, I’ve been to virtually the same weddings over and over again at the local venues with different main characters for the last 5 years as all our friends get married. It’s very repetitive and unless you’re overly invested in the couple I don’t think all that many people there even care, they’re just obliged to say ‘aww you look beautiful, thanks for a great day’ and so on. Maybe I’m being cynical but I hate the thought of ‘forcing’ someone to come and falsely say those things to me at yet another wedding.

The problem is I don’t know what I actually could handle. I do want to be married and share the same surname as my baby and fiancé and weirdly I do actually want to wear the dress to have some nice pictures of the day. I also think if we just had a tiny lunch or something I’d then go home with my wedding dress on and maybe feel a bit deflated that I hadn’t had more of a thing for it 🤷🏼‍♀️ My partner has also said the same as me, I think he’d go along with the big day if I wanted to but he’s not really keen on any of it.

What is the compromise? Get married at a registery office then have a reception with a quick first dance/cut the cake, minimal attention on us but still get to celebrate it? I’d even maybe thought of having it on New Years Eve to somewhat distract from it being about me 😂 My absolute dream would be to get married in the Maldives then have a reception at home but that’s if I win the lottery 🙈 Any ideas of how we can do it?

[quote sarah13xx]@DifficultBloodyWoman 😂😂 I’m amazed at how many people feel the same, in real life every time I say it out loud I’m shot down in flames with ‘what, no speeches at all? Is it not weird if no one says anything? You can’t have that.’ I was almost going to sit back and go along with it but after reading about everyone’s lovely weddings that are much more ‘me’ on here I think I’ll definitely be doing something a bit different. Yours sounds great![/quote]
My family were under strict instructions that there were to be no speeches! DH gave a ‘mini speech’, I guess, which was just a public thank you to my parents and the wedding celebrant (she was a family friend and really, really helpful in organising everything).

Do your own thing! It will be wonderful!

Also, it was such a small wedding, that even DH’s ‘mini speech’ was more of a conversation than a speech.

I had a registry office with just our immediate families (parents and siblings - 9 people including us).
Then went to private room in fancy restaurant.
Then fancy hotel, lovely photos, private room for dinner there.

We had the family and best friends at a registry office wedding around 11am walked to the local pub on the seafront then got a boat up the river to a country pub, meal together no speeches then a hired bus back to our flat for fizz and cake. Evening we had a big party in a pub with buffet and disco, all very informal but special.

We went abroad to get married. We were in our 20s and spending several weekends a year at weddings and we were bored rigid of them after about 30.

Just the 2 of us got married on a beach and then we had a party when we got home. No speeches or any of the boring stuff. Just a live band, informal food and a free bar!

They went and got the legal stuff done the day before, just a quick '2 x 2' civil registry office ceremony with 2 witnesses

Don't even need to do that in Scotland you can have a church wedding anywhere, viewing church as a body of people rather than a building. I am 95% certain a registrar can too as the law was changed to end the discrepancy.

We got married abroad and had a wonderful honeymoon on a tropical island. It was fine for us and looking back I wouldn’t have done it any other way. Just do what feels good to you. You don’t owe anyone a wedding party. I think they’re a big waste of money if you don’t enjoy it as a couple and willing to spend a lot of money on just 1 day.

The thought of a 'normal' wedding with all that attention on me fills me with dread!
In a ideal world me and my partner would take my parents, his mum and her best friend to Scotland for a few days and get married at Gretna green while there (without telling them in advance about the wedding part of the holiday).
I know some people would be upset when they find out afterwards but our wedding is about what we want, not about what everyone else wants.

I worked with a guy once who popped out to the registry office in his lunch hour. Everyone who heard about it thought it was really cool. Can’t you do a civil ceremony with no guests and a party afterwards?

Just me and my husband went to gretna green then stayed in Dumfries for nights honeymoon and told everyone when we got back. Would hate everyone looking at me plus we didnt have much money so was perfect choice.