To want to get married without the wedding

[sarah13xx]

We’ve been engaged for a while now and have a baby. I’ve never liked the idea of having all eyes on me, have never had birthday parties or anything because it just fills me with dread. The thought of having a wedding where it involves walking down an aisle, having to speak in front of all the guests (we’d need to invite so many by the time we add them up), sit listening to speeches about me/us and just generally being the star of the show all day fills me with a sense of panic. If I got swept along with it and booked something that my mum, sisters etc would like I fear I’d then spend the next however long until then just regretting it and dreading the day 🙈

Aside from all of that, I’ve been to virtually the same weddings over and over again at the local venues with different main characters for the last 5 years as all our friends get married. It’s very repetitive and unless you’re overly invested in the couple I don’t think all that many people there even care, they’re just obliged to say ‘aww you look beautiful, thanks for a great day’ and so on. Maybe I’m being cynical but I hate the thought of ‘forcing’ someone to come and falsely say those things to me at yet another wedding.

The problem is I don’t know what I actually could handle. I do want to be married and share the same surname as my baby and fiancé and weirdly I do actually want to wear the dress to have some nice pictures of the day. I also think if we just had a tiny lunch or something I’d then go home with my wedding dress on and maybe feel a bit deflated that I hadn’t had more of a thing for it 🤷🏼‍♀️ My partner has also said the same as me, I think he’d go along with the big day if I wanted to but he’s not really keen on any of it.

What is the compromise? Get married at a registery office then have a reception with a quick first dance/cut the cake, minimal attention on us but still get to celebrate it? I’d even maybe thought of having it on New Years Eve to somewhat distract from it being about me 😂 My absolute dream would be to get married in the Maldives then have a reception at home but that’s if I win the lottery 🙈 Any ideas of how we can do it?

We got married abroad with just parents. It was low key and relaxed and we all enjoyed being together. If you say just parents, you are not excluding anyone. Put yourself first.

We tagged our wedding on to the end of DS christening. We didnt tell anyone we were going to (except the lovely vicar, obvs) because I don't like all the build up and pressure. And we were skint.
It was quick and we had a quick christening reception and then home by 4pm!

A friend of mine had a surprise wedding, she was really worried about the build up too! They organised a day out pub crawl with friends and family and arranged to meet outside the town hall. When everyone got there she was stood outside in her wedding dress! They had a simple civil ceremony and then had hired a private room in a pub for the evening with a cheap buffet and a DJ.

It was such a good wedding.

We had a non-traditional wedding. 18 people in total including plenty of young children. We had a lovely registry office ceremony in bakewell (which is a gorgeous place to get married) followed by some confetti / professional pics in a nearby garden then dinner in a restaurant. No speeches, dancing or even cake yet it really was a beautiful and special day and DH and I adored the low-key nature of it all and it was everything we'd dreamed of. Our young son was a page boy and my 2 nieces flower girls. By 7pm everyone was back in their hotels and the wedding was done!

Get married and 100% do it your way. Cringey speeches are not essential I promise

My wedding was at a registry office and then a wedding party afterwards. I mean literally a party, we put a few hundred behind the bar and had a massive buffet. No speeches, no first dance, no messing. We all had the best day and ten years later people still tell us it was the best wedding they had ever been to.

I'm heading to the registry office this week. Just me, OH and 2 witnesses. Afterwards doing a few photos in the park, pub lunch and staying overnight at a fancy b and b. We'll get together with family at a later date to share the news. My dress is ivory coloured but not officially a wedding dress.

All very low key. We don't love attention or big gatherings, or spending money needlessly!

@2orangey

I'm heading to the registry office this week. Just me, OH and 2 witnesses. Afterwards doing a few photos in the park, pub lunch and staying overnight at a fancy b and b. We'll get together with family at a later date to share the news. My dress is ivory coloured but not officially a wedding dress.

All very low key. We don't love attention or big gatherings, or spending money needlessly!

Oh how lovely!

We got married abroad, on a long weekend away. Didn't tell anyone until we got back, then had a lovely party at a local pub. Nice food, way too much to drink and a fab disco. No cake, no speeches. It was ace. And relatively cheap.

Hi. I think you are me. Right down to the comment about NYE. 😂

DH and I had 8 guests at the wedding. So 10 of us in total. It was perfect. The reception was held at hime. I wanted to do the food myself but my parents insisted on paying for a caterer (which actually turned out a lot cheaper than I thought it would). The alternative we considered was a private dining room in a posh restaurant but I decided that might just feel like a night out. At home with caterers made it special.

We got married there because my parents couldn’t travel for health reasons. If they could have, then a destination wedding would have been plan A.

But it was my wedding day - wherever it was would have felt amazing. Looking back, I do think, even though it was small, it was still wonderful.

@Phormiumjester Looking forward to it but slightly nervous! We're both pretty shy. Can only imagine how nervous we would be if it was a 'big white wedding!'

It'll be fab.

I'm a cynic but I think some couples put more effort into the wedding than the marriage sometimes. I love the ones about love & commitment rather than chair covers and Instagram!

My husband and I had the "big" wedding planned for May 2020. Along came covid and we had to postpone. We actually then both admitted that neither of us were looking forward to a big do & we could actually use the situation to our advantage! We got married in August 2020, tiny little church in the Lakes overlooking Bassenthwaite Lake. We were only allowed us and our immediate family, 8 of us in total. It was absolutely perfect. My husband and I entered the church together, set a few things up then I went outside with my Dad who then walked me down the aisle. We had a photographer with us, went back to a local hotel and ordered room service with our family! I can't recommend a small intimate wedding enough. The pictures speak for themselves, we're just bursting with love and happiness. Of course I'm biased but it's the best wedding I've ever been to!

@ohsheglows awww this sounds lovely, hope it’s a great day 😊 I think over the last few years that’s what I’ve developed too. I used to just think I maybe wouldn’t love a wedding the same as most people but I’d do it whereas now I try to imagine it when I go to other people’s wedding and I just think ‘I am sooo glad that’s not me’ 🤦🏼‍♀️ I would have a panic attack during any high-pressure bit of it if I just went with the flow and arranged the ‘normal’ wedding

@Phormiumjester yes I tend to agree, I think sometimes it is just used as a distraction technique to kill some time in their relationship with all the planning and it’s not until it’s over and they’ve spent 20+ grand that they realise they don’t even like each other and it wasn’t even that great 🙈😂

@DifficultBloodyWoman 😂😂 I’m amazed at how many people feel the same, in real life every time I say it out loud I’m shot down in flames with ‘what, no speeches at all? Is it not weird if no one says anything? You can’t have that.’ I was almost going to sit back and go along with it but after reading about everyone’s lovely weddings that are much more ‘me’ on here I think I’ll definitely be doing something a bit different. Yours sounds great!

@2orangey aww amazing, hope it’s a nice day!

@Phormiumjester aww that sounds nice! I had thought about having a sort of surprise wedding at the end of my child’s 1st birthday party in our garden. If we had a during the day wedding I’d like it to have things to do rather than just sitting about and for it to be very child-friendly with a white bouncy castle etc. So doing it at the birthday party kills two birds with one stone really 😂 No one in real life thought this idea was a goer

@Draculahhh this is exactly the way I’d like to word it! I wouldn’t want people coming expecting one thing then questioning why it’s not this or that but a wedding party would be exactly right

When's the kids birthday more of an option in summer than winter, but you still need a 'rainy day' Plan B - big gazebo or will everyone fit in the house?

You could hire a hall, caterers and DJ. And have the bouncy castle for the kids. Some hotels might be willing to do it if they have a big enough room.
If you are going to disguise the wedding as a kids party then people who you want there might not turn up or be more casually dressed.
So in that sense a christening would work better but then you could mention that a photographer will be at the party to get some family photos.

Go for it. Weddings are the biggest rip of. And a source of a ton of stress, much of it being other people putting their nose in where its not required ffs - so much stress - 6 weeks to go I wanted to pull the plug.
So set about making it less formal and swapped the long top table for a round one - que another arguement oh I don't want to sit with my back to people 😑

Spring it on them and then nobody gets to meddle in the plans!

Loving this thread as I've been thinking along these lines lately myself..how can we do it as small and with as little fuss as possible Will probably end up doing it in secret just the two of us and announce it later when it's all done! I'm 15 wks pregnant as well, would love to do it before baby arrives but we'll see..

OP

My parents had the church wedding but no speeches, this was in 1962 so not a new thing.

Do what will make you happy. If that is a registry office with 2 strangers as witnesses and you don't even bother to tell people that's fine.

We had cake in the afternoon, went to the registry office with 3 friends, then did a stroll through a beautiful old village nearby and took pictures and went out to dinner. Simple, effective, no stress and wore a nice dress (although not a traditional one because they don't suit me).

I baked my own cake, it was a victoria sandwich, I put store bought white fondant over it and topped it with a plastic bride and groom from the internet. I also blew up heart shaped balloons for our living room.

It's your wedding, do what makes you happy! Too many people follow the same script, do what is a better fit for you. Our best man and his wife are big animal lovers and married in a zoo. My best friend loves outdoor barbeques so had a massive barbeque.

I did actually enjoy my wedding to eXH, we had about 60 people there, no kids, but we did have a cake/bridesmaids/speeches etc.

but looking back it amazes me how many people were invited because of expectation that parents and ILs should have a say in who was there on their side, people I hadn’t seen in years and haven’t seen since, etc.

I remember saying at the beginning of the pandemic that now would be the perfect time to get married since you could cull people from your invite list with impunity and have the “but it’s COVID” get-out for those who took exception.

If I were to get married again I would just go to the registry office with a couple of witnesses and maybe go out for a meal with my family after. I have 0 relationship with DP’s family so we would just announce afterwards etc. Interestingly DP has changed his thinking round to this in the past few years as well. I don’t think he ever wanted a massive wedding if we got married, but I think he had always anticipated something a bit more wedding-like. But as he’s religious a lot of his friends frown upon my existence anyway because he’s been married before, and because I’m an atheist, so that would rule out a lot of them at a registry office wedding, and I have 0 intentions of going into church and vowing anything before God when I don’t personally believe in one.

At the end of the day it’s the marriage that counts, regardless of how much you spent getting there.

A wedding doesn't have to be a big thing with speeches.
I know a few people who have done a registry office wedding followed by a meal/afternoon tea with just immediate family.
There are also a number of places that offer elopement packages, either for just you two or for a few friends or family as well. I think more places have become geared up for this since Covid as so many weddings had to be adapted for smaller numbers.

[quote sarah13xx]@Phormiumjester aww that sounds nice! I had thought about having a sort of surprise wedding at the end of my child’s 1st birthday party in our garden. If we had a during the day wedding I’d like it to have things to do rather than just sitting about and for it to be very child-friendly with a white bouncy castle etc. So doing it at the birthday party kills two birds with one stone really 😂 No one in real life thought this idea was a goer[/quote]

I recently officiated at a surprise wedding just like this OP (I'm a celebrant).

The couple wanted a very low key affair with minimal fuss leading up to it. They had hired me as a celebrant to carry out the naming ceremony for their two-year old, and had mentioned their dilemma over wanting a low key wedding at one of our meetings. I suggested having it as a double ceremony after the naming, which was in their parents garden in the summer, and they loved the idea. They went and got the legal stuff done the day before, just a quick '2 x 2' civil registry office ceremony with 2 witnesses, and then we did a beautiful double ceremony to celebrate their child and their wedding the day after. It was perfect ♥️

You could do something similar if you wanted to 🥰