To want to get married without the wedding

[sarah13xx]

We’ve been engaged for a while now and have a baby. I’ve never liked the idea of having all eyes on me, have never had birthday parties or anything because it just fills me with dread. The thought of having a wedding where it involves walking down an aisle, having to speak in front of all the guests (we’d need to invite so many by the time we add them up), sit listening to speeches about me/us and just generally being the star of the show all day fills me with a sense of panic. If I got swept along with it and booked something that my mum, sisters etc would like I fear I’d then spend the next however long until then just regretting it and dreading the day 🙈

Aside from all of that, I’ve been to virtually the same weddings over and over again at the local venues with different main characters for the last 5 years as all our friends get married. It’s very repetitive and unless you’re overly invested in the couple I don’t think all that many people there even care, they’re just obliged to say ‘aww you look beautiful, thanks for a great day’ and so on. Maybe I’m being cynical but I hate the thought of ‘forcing’ someone to come and falsely say those things to me at yet another wedding.

The problem is I don’t know what I actually could handle. I do want to be married and share the same surname as my baby and fiancé and weirdly I do actually want to wear the dress to have some nice pictures of the day. I also think if we just had a tiny lunch or something I’d then go home with my wedding dress on and maybe feel a bit deflated that I hadn’t had more of a thing for it 🤷🏼‍♀️ My partner has also said the same as me, I think he’d go along with the big day if I wanted to but he’s not really keen on any of it.

What is the compromise? Get married at a registery office then have a reception with a quick first dance/cut the cake, minimal attention on us but still get to celebrate it? I’d even maybe thought of having it on New Years Eve to somewhat distract from it being about me 😂 My absolute dream would be to get married in the Maldives then have a reception at home but that’s if I win the lottery 🙈 Any ideas of how we can do it?

Oh whatever you choose, I hope you have the best day to remember for the rest of your life.

My hubby did it in his lunch break. Didn't tell anyone, 2 witnesses (my brothers girlfriend at the time who worked in the library so could come in her lunch break) and one friend from work. My Mum looked after our son while we did it. When I got back to collect him, Mum said 'you look nice dear. And I said 'I've just got married. And she said 'so pleased. Shall we have a cup of tea?'
Another thread on here is about 'what do you most regret' and a lot say 'spending so much on a wedding. Cheap, no fuss, plenty of other days to have a party if that's what you like, and enabled us to get a foot on the housing ladder.

We did Gretna. Just the two of us, didn’t tell anyone beforehand, apart from my sister for childcare purposes. Do not regret it at all - lovely intimate ceremony, I wore a nice dress and we had some photos. Had a fab meal afterwards at a Michelin restaurant nearby.

We did think about doing it locally (we live in Sussex), but felt that would cause more annoyance to family not invited; Gretna is far enough away to be very inconvenient!

Also, a secondary bonus is that we got two nights away baby and preschooler free! Can’t recommend that enough!

We didn't have a top table or speeches. I cringe at them and didn't want to do our at my own wedding. The main wedding party all sat at one table in the middle of everyone which meant my sister's fiancé could have sit with her and not be stuck at some random table
My dad did thank everyone for presents and coming to the day but we can we're in another room cutting the cake on our own.
Had a huge buffet so no sit down meal.
We did get married in church but we didn't repeat our vows just said I do and told the photographer that we didn't want hundreds of staged photos.
It was perfect just for us. Married 24 years this year

A colleague of mine, a keen diver, got married underwater in a wetsuit! The guests were just told to arrive at the lakeside, and she, her husband and the registrar were already there, concealed underwater.
My DH and I just had two witnesses and a registrar - no cake, dress or photos - then went for a normal restaurant meal. I was back at work the next morning.
A wedding can be whatever you want, OP, from simple to fancy to completely off the wall quirky. Just decide what you want and go for it - it’s your day.

We went to the registry office with our parents and siblings and our child in the morning. In the afternoon held a party at home under the premise of birthday party/housewarming so had all our friends and family round. It was perfect. We wore pretty clothes (wedding dress and kilt) and had a cake but with no crazy fuss or dramas. It was traditional in the past for there to be a small reception at home which is where I got the idea. I got all the food from m&s who used to do catering food.

We popped down the registry office,2 friends, sisters and parents. Normal nice clothes, and then just went to a local restaurant. Really had a lovely day and I’d do the same again. No big fuss, just a nice meal out.

You sound like me in that I wanted a dress and for it to feel special but also with no fuss. And DH hates weddings. We compromised by eloping to Scotland and having some lovely photos in the wild flower meadow where we got married and then chilling after in our hot tub. Then a few weeks later we had a cake and some bubbles and a nice meal with our closest family. No one got upset as we told them before and my mum even helped me choose a (cheap but lovely) wedding dress to wear for the actual wedding; we were just smart casual for the family dinner later. It was all fab. No speeches no stress. Bliss.

@Theoldwrinkley it’s so true! We’re doing up our house that we have just bought (some major renovations to the cost of a small wedding) and I would way rather have that and be able to enjoy it every day than one day I thought was good but potentially everyone else was checking their watch through 🙄😂

@curlycat that sounds great, that’s basically what I’d be looking for if we went for the full day thing. There’s one place with meaning we’d like to get married if we were having it as an all day but it would involve people having to book hotel rooms and stay over. I feel like it then becomes much more of an expectation that it’s a formal all day wedding. The place we’d have it is near a beach then a (posh) pub with a beer garden (that can be booked out for the day). We could just have a bbq to keep the food informal but it’s how you word the invites etc to make it clear it is not going to be a sit down meal or formal occasion 🤔

@jacqelinedaniels that sounds like the dream, we live in Scotland 😊

We got married in a registry office with both sets of parents & our siblings & their spouses plus our DC. Got married about 11am, had some champagne and cake afterwards (both of our families excel at consuming both regardless of the time of day or night) and then walked half a mile or so to a restaurant for lunch.
It was great. Ticked the box of being married but without the fuss. No hymns or anything but had a couple of (non-religious) readings so got it personalise the ceremony.
A month or so later we had a party in a pub for 80 or so people. Invitation went out by email and that was about the extent of the planning other than putting some money behind the bar on the night.
This was also great. Didn't have that feeling of being the centre of attention but got to celebrate with everyone I knew and loved.

We got married in the local registry office, then went to a local hotel for afternoon tea. 20 people.
Done! No first dance, no party, no gifts, no late night. Married at 11am and we were left alone by 2:30pm. Couple of good friends asked if we wanted to hang out so we did and then got dinner in a pub with them. All in all it cost £800 including an off white pretty dress from monsoon that I’ve wore repeatedly over the last 8 years. DH wore a suit he had since a ball at university! I think our rings were the most expensive part haha.

[quote sarah13xx]@jacqelinedaniels that sounds like the dream, we live in Scotland 😊[/quote]
I recommend where we went, it was called Roulotte Retreat in the borders. The couple who run it were our witnesses. So beautiful in May with all the flowers 😊

@Intooblivionblackhole

I wouldn't have it on NYE. It would be too expensive.

How about going to Gretna? My sister did this and just had immediate family.

I know someone who did this.

They walked altogether to the wedding and had the most lovely day

[quote sarah13xx]@jacqelinedaniels that sounds like the dream, we live in Scotland 😊[/quote]
Then go to Gretna

I think they make it quite special and you can have as few people as you want

How about a small afternoon wedding either at a registry office or somewhere special to you with just immediate close family, go for a meal after with them all and then get together with friends in the evening for drinks. No speeches, first dance etc just do it your way. Also I’d advise not getting married on NYE or any special occasion, perhaps this is a bit pessimistic but if the marriage doesn’t work out for some reason then that special occasion will always be tainted.

You could have an intimate wedding ceremony with immediate family, followed by a meal for those people, then an evening do. Focus on a variety of entertainment, food and drink for guests to keep them occupied and happy, photographer through the evening, and theres no need for speeches, cake cutting or anything you dont want. But youve still had a wedding and a party.

My brother got married with just 20 people (all close family) in attendance - numbers not limited due to covid.. was there choice. We had a meal after at a local hotel. No speeches or dance planned. They did do speeches but literally it was decided in the moment and as only 20 people it was very low key. Tbh the best wedding I have been to in years as was just very relaxed.

Registry office bit followed by lunch with nearest and dearest. Celebratory party with around 50 people on a different date. Best of all worlds.

We had three days between the registry office bit and the wedding, no one seemed to care.

www.weeweddings.co.uk/ How about this?

Went to usual Sunday morning service, ordinary day dress, no best man or bridesmaids. Nice flowers and music by friends, otherwise just as usual with a few more in the congregation.
Halfway through both stood up, to the later rail, got married, signed register, sat down again, service carried on
Party at a local social club.
Done.

altar rail
Autocorrect is a heathen

Oh sheesh I could have written this post myself. I have massive social anxiety so the thought of lots of eyes on me fills me with dread too!

We ended up booking a small elopement venue in Cornwall, we'll have 4 of our closest friends although the staff at the venue were very happy to witness for us! And we'll have a meal out with the family afterwards. I have bought my dress already - and we've booked a great photographer so we can still have the wedding pictures :) I'm really looking forward to it! You should do an elopement wedding for sure!

We went to Gibraltar. Just us no fuss. Perfect day