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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/02/2022 16:37

Setting up a new group with only one or two members probably just doesn't sound appealing. I don't think I know many men who would join a dad's group to be fair, but I do know some who'd be happy to go to an informal gathering in a pub with their partner.

FOJN · 14/02/2022 16:37

TBF she might not have wanted to go and he did...

I agree but he still left her with childcare responsibility whilst he went for coffee.

HeadNorth · 14/02/2022 16:38

There is something called 'Men's Shed' for men in my local town, so it is not true there are no groups for men. A mother's group is clearly for mothers who are, by defnintion, female.

Lemonata · 14/02/2022 16:39

It sounds like most of the men attending are wanted there by their partners, so I guess it would come down to majority vote? It wouldn’t bother me personally, as most ‘involved’ Dads I’ve come across tend to be pretty decent. I’d say most of them are far more traumatised by the birth than the mother😂

I’d maybe leave it as a mixed group, and set up a separate group for anyone who feels uncomfortable or embarrassed talking about things in front of men. Or if it does turn out to be only a minority of women who want their partners there, ask them to organise a mixed group on a different date or at a different venue.

Mistressiggi · 14/02/2022 16:39

I would be tempted to talk about incontinence, periods and cracked nipples at every opportunity.
It's really important that women can have somewhere to talk about life with a new baby. I went to one run by a health visitor and it really was for mothers in the early stages. Then when we grew past that there were other playgroups in churches mostly that were definitely mixed. My breastfeeding group only had women. I never went to one for extended bfing but would have expected that to be women too.
The problem for the Op is if there isn't a leadership group who will decide to keep it just for women. Though if OP speaks up she may find others feel the same.

Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 16:40

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Setting up a new group with only one or two members probably just doesn't sound appealing. I don't think I know many men who would join a dad's group to be fair, but I do know some who'd be happy to go to an informal gathering in a pub with their partner.
You advertise to attract others. That is what women who set up mums groups do. They don't just appear, it is work to make it happen.
KeepingAnOpenMind · 14/02/2022 16:40

YANBU
Men can set up their own group

BearOfEasttown · 14/02/2022 16:40

@Trapiche

Ha ha. I wonder who on earth you'd report someone not inviting men to their home to and what their reaction would be. Maybe something to log with 101. Wink

LOL! Grin

Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 16:41

@LemonataI I just find the dads take over.

nothingmorethanthis · 14/02/2022 16:41

Lunch at an open public space (pub) where many people come and go does rather imply open to everyone
It really doesn't! Lots of closed groups meet publicly in pubs and restaurants and so on. I've been to quite a few in my life.

But the fact that you think that closed groups cannot meet in these sort of settings, does rather suggest that you think they need to be in closed off rooms, as I wrote in my post - yes I was parodying in my description of them, but the point stands and you seem to have confirmed it in your response.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/02/2022 16:41

@FOJN

TBF she might not have wanted to go and he did...

I agree but he still left her with childcare responsibility whilst he went for coffee.

We don't know the situation though. She might have wanted him out the way!

All I'm saying is there were plenty of parents who turned up at our coffee mornings without babies some weeks. No one thought it odd tbf! They just liked the other people's company and baby was sleeping/grumpy/spending time with relative.

GladysAndFred · 14/02/2022 16:45

I don't see a problem with having a mum-only group, as long as there is an equivalent that dads ARE welcome to go to.

What do you mean "as long as"? So if men can't be bothered to organise their own group, then women can't have a mum-only group? 🙄
Do you even hear yourself?

DeepDown12 · 14/02/2022 16:46

In all honesty - I can understand why dads join such groups. Judging from my DH for some reason they trust advice from women more than they do advice given by men. Therefore, it does make sense to them to want to join mix groups rather than forming one just for dads.

jackieh1987 · 14/02/2022 16:47

A parent group? YABU.

A Mums group? YANBU.

Joystir59 · 14/02/2022 16:48

I'd be totally pissed off about this. Let him go start a dads' coffee group.

Reddishes · 14/02/2022 16:48

I'd be uncomfortable in this particular setting. Fair enough in baby groups but in smaller groups of mums where we're talking about breastfeeding and our bodies etc, no.

JustBlethering · 14/02/2022 16:51

@DeepDown12

In all honesty - I can understand why dads join such groups. Judging from my DH for some reason they trust advice from women more than they do advice given by men. Therefore, it does make sense to them to want to join mix groups rather than forming one just for dads.
But why would they join a group for mums instead of one of the many mixed playgroups etc
Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 16:55

@DeepDown12

In all honesty - I can understand why dads join such groups. Judging from my DH for some reason they trust advice from women more than they do advice given by men. Therefore, it does make sense to them to want to join mix groups rather than forming one just for dads.
Yeah my job isn't to help men who demand women's time.
Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 16:56

@JustBlethering maybe because they were invited?

ldontWanna · 14/02/2022 17:01

YANBU

1.if I understand correctly it's a mums group.
2.it's weird for him to come without the baby.
3.if they want a similar dad group they should set up one. It never took hold because they can't be arsed and it's easier to encroach on your space.

  1. Yes you should've spoken up when it was first mentioned, but on the other hand you're not responsible for other women smoothing the way for their partners. It's not too late to speak out or branch out on a separate group with like minded women.
ldontWanna · 14/02/2022 17:04

@DeepDown12

In all honesty - I can understand why dads join such groups. Judging from my DH for some reason they trust advice from women more than they do advice given by men. Therefore, it does make sense to them to want to join mix groups rather than forming one just for dads.
His/their ineptitude doesn't mean they can impose their presence in a mum group ,because suddenly Ta Dah! It's mixed.
Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 17:06

They want the mums to do the work. Easier to get women running around after you to meet your needs than organise anything yourself.

Notmenotme · 14/02/2022 17:16

I find this sex divide usually very strange to be honest but I am a gay man in a same sex relationship with two kids. I’ve been very welcomed into every “mums” group I’ve been to and nobody has ever said a group is only for mums and babies but I guess our children were 6 months + when they came to us so we weren’t going to baby baby groups.

I don’t see why a dad can’t be there and why men are so awful - a lot of women do end up having babies with men. I do however find it very strange that he’s there without the mum and the baby!!!! That’s ridiculous - presumably a baby of that age would be taken to the group asleep anyway.

If I had an hour away from my children I’d get my hair cut, or I’d go for a run! I wouldn’t go to the baby group!!! Bizarre!!!

Also I get that some groups may be places where women want to talk about say the birth etc. that sort of business - and maybe this group is that - so maybe he shouldn’t be there!! But then it should be advertised as that and the group leader should tell him!

PleasantBirthday · 14/02/2022 17:22

If you are in a gay parenting group to share a common experience, I wouldn't turn up. Women who've just had a baby also have a common experience and should be able to get some space with a few people who've shared it.

SamphiretheStickerist · 14/02/2022 17:24

@Notmenotme read the OP again. Use the See All link, she describes the kind of group it is, or was.

And I am guessing that if the women in those groups you went to expressed any kind of dismay that you were there you would have apologised and left.... because you would appreciate that women don't think men are aawful, but they do sometimes want a space to talk about their shared experiences with people who would understand, have shared those experiences, without having to modify their language, explain themselves or be even the slightest bit embarrassed about bodily malfunctions!

Because of you wouldn't then you are part of the problem OP is experiencing!