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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
JustBlethering · 14/02/2022 16:20

And how many women would by crying for sex discrimination if there was a men's only coffee group?

There are loads of men's / dads groups locally. I don't care and haven't heard anyone else complain

FebruaryFest · 14/02/2022 16:20

Come to think of it my husband is in a dad's group. He's far more clubbable than I am.
And I'm not going to be asking if I can tag along. Because I respect the desire for a single sex group and do not take it personally.

FebruaryFest · 14/02/2022 16:21

Dads' group.

Original poster
CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 16:21

The way it came about was there was always one dad in the WhatsApp group, from quite early on. He never came to a meeting or messaged, but I think he was added by his partner and was there in the background.

And then a couple of weeks ago, one of the newer members asked if there’s anything her partner can join. Someone else asked the same thing. Then someone said there’s a dad in the group and the original dad piped up introducing himself. And then those women added their partners, and then so did a couple more after.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 16:24

During that conversation someone did suggest that the men set up their own group but it never took hold.

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 14/02/2022 16:24

I don't see a problem with having a mum-only group, as long as there is an equivalent that dads ARE welcome to go to.

I think the problem comes when people set up these mum groups and there's just nothing in place for dads, but they are still not welcome at the mum groups.

It should either be one "parents" group, or two groups - one mums and one general parents/ dads.

There shouldn't just be one group where only mums are welcome.

peboh · 14/02/2022 16:24

Yanbu as this was advertised as a mums/mumtobe group. If it was just advertised as parents, then yes I would say yabu, as of course dads also need support.

PleasantBirthday · 14/02/2022 16:27

I think the problem comes when people set up these mum groups and there's just nothing in place for dads, but they are still not welcome at the mum groups.

So if a woman thinks to herself, you know what, I don't know anyone else about to give birth/with a new baby but maybe I can create a group to meet people in the same situation, she should not do that unless she also sets one up for men?

AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 16:27

@Moonface123

Personally it wouldn' t bother me as l know a couple of young widowed fathers raising young children alone and to be fair there isnt alot in the way of support out there for them. Plus l find mixed groups more interesting.
I would be happy to discuss child rearing issues in a mixed group. If I wanted to talk about more personal things to do with PND or issues as a result of the birth I would not talk about them in a mixed group. Maybe I should, maybe it would be helpful but I wouldn't be able to do it.
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/02/2022 16:28

I suppose since it's an informal/unofficial group (ie it's just people meeting in a public space for a chat) then there aren't any hard and fast rules about who can and can't come.
If the original organisers don't mind men coming then men can come. If you and other mum's don't like it then vote with your feet and setup a mums group and state that it is for women only.

I think if it was an established group with memberships or fees or even in a private space then it would be more unreasonable to change the terms of the group without some sort of prior notice or agreement.

It very much doesn't sound like men invading women's space if they've been invited and welcomed.

strawberrydonuts · 14/02/2022 16:29

@CaptainMyCaptainn

The way it came about was there was always one dad in the WhatsApp group, from quite early on. He never came to a meeting or messaged, but I think he was added by his partner and was there in the background.

And then a couple of weeks ago, one of the newer members asked if there’s anything her partner can join. Someone else asked the same thing. Then someone said there’s a dad in the group and the original dad piped up introducing himself. And then those women added their partners, and then so did a couple more after.

Can't you just say that's a really nice idea to set up a parents' group, and you would also like to keep a separate group for mums only, so people can go to whichever one suits their needs?

There's obviously demand for a group that includes dads, so you can't exactly put a stop to that.

Just express your preference that you would also like to have a female-only group to talk about sensitive topics like breastfeeding etc. and propose a date/ place for the first meeting for that group.

AngelinaFibres · 14/02/2022 16:29

@cookiemonster2468

I don't see a problem with having a mum-only group, as long as there is an equivalent that dads ARE welcome to go to.

I think the problem comes when people set up these mum groups and there's just nothing in place for dads, but they are still not welcome at the mum groups.

It should either be one "parents" group, or two groups - one mums and one general parents/ dads.

There shouldn't just be one group where only mums are welcome.

The the dads who are attached to the mums could set one up. They surely don't need a woman to set up a man's group for them
elliejjtiny · 14/02/2022 16:29

Dh came along to soft play group and young parents group if he wasn't at work but he wouldn't have gone to a breastfeeding or postnatal group.

Trytobetoo · 14/02/2022 16:30

@Comedycook I agree, my DH probably couldn’t think of many things worse Grin

OP YANBU- I don’t understand why we have to offer support for men/dads at an advertised mum/MTB group, they can set up their own groups and advertise it as a parenting group if they want mixed sex.

IzzyD0ra · 14/02/2022 16:30

There shouldn't just be one group where only mums are welcome

So women shouldn't have a group if the men are too lazy to set up their own?

FOJN · 14/02/2022 16:32

And the guy turning up without a child?? Not ok.

Not only that but sleeping baby was left at home with the MUM which means she could have gone to the group and dad could have stayed at home with the baby.

Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 16:32

@cookiemonster2468

I don't see a problem with having a mum-only group, as long as there is an equivalent that dads ARE welcome to go to.

I think the problem comes when people set up these mum groups and there's just nothing in place for dads, but they are still not welcome at the mum groups.

It should either be one "parents" group, or two groups - one mums and one general parents/ dads.

There shouldn't just be one group where only mums are welcome.

Why is only a mums group an issue? Dads are welcome to set up their own. Nobody is stopping them.
PleasantBirthday · 14/02/2022 16:32

@IzzyD0ra

There shouldn't just be one group where only mums are welcome

So women shouldn't have a group if the men are too lazy to set up their own?

Or even if they don't want one? There's no indication that men are so pushed to be part of such groups. It's not like they're behind the door setting things they want to do up.
JustLyra · 14/02/2022 16:32

I think the problem comes when people set up these mum groups and there's just nothing in place for dads, but they are still not welcome at the mum groups.

Then Dads do what the likes of my DH did and set one up.

It's not on to suggest there should only be a Mums group if there's a Dads group - there was clearly a want/need for a Mums group so one was set up. Women shouldn't have to go without support because men can't be arsed setting up their own group.

SamphiretheStickerist · 14/02/2022 16:35

@cookiemonster2468

I don't see a problem with having a mum-only group, as long as there is an equivalent that dads ARE welcome to go to.

I think the problem comes when people set up these mum groups and there's just nothing in place for dads, but they are still not welcome at the mum groups.

It should either be one "parents" group, or two groups - one mums and one general parents/ dads.

There shouldn't just be one group where only mums are welcome.

Why on Earth not?

Why should women not have a womens only group without having to ensure/set up a men inclusive group first?

Are men utterly incapable?

Should we ask questios of al the Captains of Industry? World leaders?

Or is this another neat little twist of female socialisation, courtesy of a patriarchal society?

EishetChayil · 14/02/2022 16:35

I run a baby and toddler group and it's mums only. Men change the dynamic and make it all about them. Plus, I want my women to feel comfortable breastfeeding, and I know that the more religious women among us would feel more at ease with just females.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 14/02/2022 16:35

@FOJN

And the guy turning up without a child?? Not ok.

Not only that but sleeping baby was left at home with the MUM which means she could have gone to the group and dad could have stayed at home with the baby.

TBF she might not have wanted to go and he did...
JustLyra · 14/02/2022 16:36

And the main reason that there are fewer groups for Dads is that they are harder to organise because there are so few SAHDs.

So basically the one or two that there are have all the organising to do for the rest of the group, who constantly change depending on the length of their paternity leave/shared leave.

And whilst that is very common with Mums groups and toddler groups that one or two people do all the donkey work, men are much less likely to accept that role. So they don't have groups.

FOJN · 14/02/2022 16:36

And then a couple of weeks ago, one of the newer members asked if there’s anything her partner can join. Someone else asked the same thing. Then someone said there’s a dad in the group and the original dad piped up introducing himself. And then those women added their partners, and then so did a couple more after.

So there was enough interest to make it worthwhile for the men to start a group but they didn't. I'd bet it all started with one dad saying to his partner, "what about men" and from there the women accepted it was their job to make space.

SamphiretheStickerist · 14/02/2022 16:37

And...?