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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Bibbitybobbityboo86 · 15/02/2022 06:51

YANBU

I would stop going if men started coming.
I enjoy the company of woman and I can feel uncomfortable around men sometimes.

I know this isn’t very modern of me but it’s how I’ve been raised.

I had very bad PND and birth injuries- I mentally healed by talking to my mum friends. I wouldn’t have been able to do that with men I’m the group.

Just have a separate men’s group.

The dad that rocked up without a baby is weird

stayathomer · 15/02/2022 07:00

I see everyone's points, and would have felt the same up until about a year ago when I met up with 2 separate friends and both occasions turned into my dh talking to me friends about working with kids about/getting back to the office and both dhs, one a sahd, the other a cut hours because of pandemic said, begin to pick my brains about how to manage the day/get the place cleaner/kids having too much screen time etc. Both seemed so relieved to get all their questions and daily worries off their chests

stayathomer · 15/02/2022 07:00

My not me btw!!

confusedtraveller · 15/02/2022 07:14

@ivykaty44

Call it a support group for one and breast feeding

Yabu to call it a mums group

in summary, exactly that.
Hotcuppatea · 15/02/2022 07:18

@BurntO

They need to set up their own group. I suspect they see the setting up of groups of this type as “woman’s work” however Hmm
I think you've hit the nail on the head here @Burnt0

Can't believe the male apologists on this thread but delighted to see so many women telling the OP she is NBU.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 07:24

Men apologists 🤨

Can you imagine if you had a parent and child group and woman were shunned and people complained about the woman coming along

workwoes123 · 15/02/2022 07:25

I don’t have strong feelings either way - I organised what started off as a ‘mums group’ which changed to a families group when our members voted to do so. We often had fathers come with their children, if they were the main caregiver.

However this was a membership organisation, with an AGM, voting right for members and a constitution - it was very clear from our name and rules that both parents of whichever sex would be welcome. This was before social media was a big thing though, and pre What’s App - new members had to apply and be accepted, they couldn’t just come along and join in.

OP - who created / runs the group? Who advertises it? Are there any rules about membership or purpose etc? If not, and it’s just a free for all (which it sounds like it is if all members can just add people to the What’s App group) then YANBU to prefer a women’s only group but YABU to expect non-rules to somehow be enforced to keep it this way.

Hotcuppatea · 15/02/2022 07:53

@ivykaty44

Men apologists 🤨

Can you imagine if you had a parent and child group and woman were shunned and people complained about the woman coming along

It wasnt set up as a parent group. It was set up as a mum group. The men have colonised because they cant be arsed to set up a parent group themselves. Or they could set up their own Dad's group. But no, it's easier just to hustle in on the mums group. Sadly some women feel that it's progressive to clap them in at the door.
Mustreadabook · 15/02/2022 07:54

If the dad is the sahp or sharing parental leave then they are probably used to finding all the groups are full of mums, as I expect there are still not that many dads doing this. Not enough to set up loads of groups just for dads! Also dads do get pnd as it can be situational not just hormonal. I expect if they are looking after baby alone they feel just as in need of company!

Missey85 · 15/02/2022 08:04

YABU so many threads on here about mums moaning that fathers don't help out or get involved I'm guessing they don't because this is what they get in return

jennytogether · 15/02/2022 08:05

Men apologists??

Lots of you seem to view men as a different species, and set them up as a different type of parent. If you then get annoyed when they don’t do as much parenting, but accept it because they’re a man. That’s being a men apologist.

Porcupineintherough · 15/02/2022 08:19

@Hotcuppatea no, some of the women started inviting men. They were added to the WharsApp group. They didnt just turn up with baseball bats demanding access.

The op is not being unreasonable to want an all female group but it seems other women felt differently. They are allowed to do that you know.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2022 08:37

It's one of those drop-ins hosted by a pub, to fill empty time on a weekday morning and sell cake and lunches. Round here, those were always marketed as for mums on mat leave, with non-crawling babies. They sometimes included speakers / guests coming in to chat; midwives on breastfeeding, or people selling classes.

I think the issue with yours might be that if it's not run actively by the pub anymore, so no-one is inviting speakers, or policing the non-crawling / not toddlers rule, then maybe it's morphed into something more like an ante-natal group. That is, the original group members keep on meeting as their children get older and the meet up event does not refresh itself.

In that case, allowing dads in is just one of the ways that it's changing over time. There will come a time when talking about post-birth injury and recovery isn't where you are any more and your focus is on the children's development and on each other as friends, going back to work and all.

It sounds like the dads have come in too early for this group, or should, as more typically happens, have been 'associate members' attending bigger events only. Or they could have set up a mixed meeting on a different day, to encourage more of the other dads to come along.

But I'm not sure your original group had many more months left in it anyway.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 08:43

It wasnt set up as a parent group. It was set up mum group

That would be sexist

JustBlethering · 15/02/2022 08:44

That would be sexist

Single sex groups are perfectly fine Hmm

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 08:46

It does seem that segregation of the sexes is fine until males want this, then it’s unfair & sexist but not in reverse

LampLighter414 · 15/02/2022 08:47

YANBU why is it not possible for a group of women to enjoy a coffee together without a man with a penis making it all about him and bringing an unsafe atmosphere where people can't say what they want!!

JustBlethering · 15/02/2022 08:47

@ivykaty44

It does seem that segregation of the sexes is fine until males want this, then it’s unfair & sexist but not in reverse
There's 3 dads groups near me. Not an issue for anyone.
ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 08:50

Excluding people due to their sex is not acceptable and should be illegal

Moonlette · 15/02/2022 08:51

@ivykaty44

Excluding people due to their sex is not acceptable and should be illegal
For a friendship group, get a gripq
ivykaty44 · 15/02/2022 08:54

Oh it’s a friendship group

If it’s a group fir breast feeding, traumatic birth then it’s understandable

But to exclude people from a friendship group due to their gender isn’t acceptable

DePfeffoff · 15/02/2022 08:54

@LampLighter414

YANBU why is it not possible for a group of women to enjoy a coffee together without a man with a penis making it all about him and bringing an unsafe atmosphere where people can't say what they want!!
Why "a man with a penis"? As opposed to a man without one? And why would a man inevitably make it "all about him"? Or indeed how precisely would he prevent anyone saying whatever they wanted? Do all men carry gags with them?

This attitude to men as people that little women must always be scared of and obey really does women no favours.

PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 09:26

@Missey85

YABU so many threads on here about mums moaning that fathers don't help out or get involved I'm guessing they don't because this is what they get in return
In return? For what?
PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 09:28

@ivykaty44

Oh it’s a friendship group

If it’s a group fir breast feeding, traumatic birth then it’s understandable

But to exclude people from a friendship group due to their gender isn’t acceptable

Really? How do you force people to be friends or associate with someone they don't want to be friends or associate with?
Monopolyiscrap · 15/02/2022 09:35

@ivykaty44

Oh it’s a friendship group

If it’s a group fir breast feeding, traumatic birth then it’s understandable

But to exclude people from a friendship group due to their gender isn’t acceptable

Yes it is. I exclude men all the time.