Dads joining coffee group

[CaptainMyCaptainn]

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP just wondering what you think the answer is/what you would like to happen? Btw I'm not in your group, but the one I'm in has the same problem

I mean if it's just a parenting group that happens to be filled by women instead of one specifically for women I don't think there's anything wrong with men being there. Yes it changes the atmosphere but it's not their fault and if they're partaking on what the group's actually meant to be for i think that's OK.

You could say the father's should make their own group but in reality we know women do the most childcare so men in that sphere are few and far between which will make it more difficult.

So I guess what I'm saying is if you're doing stuff which wasn't the initial intention of the group I guess YABU if they're there trying to be there for the initial intention.

For all those saying that men should set up their own group...

When I was eight, my (mixed) primary school said it was looking for children to join a new football team and that there would be a trial match on Saturday morning to pick players for the team. I was ecstatic and practiced my dribbling and striking skills even more than usual. When the day came for the trial I was pretty nervous and self-conscious about taking part, as I knew I'd be the only girl. But I scored my side's winning goal and felt on top of the world.

The kindly, rather elderly teacher in charge of the whole venture clearly found it very hard to tell me that FA rules as they then were (mid 80s) banned mixed teams, even at primary level. He promised me that he'd coach a girls' team though, if I could get together enough to make up a team.

I managed to persuade one girl to join me but that was clearly not nearly enough. And so I could only cheer my classmates on from the touch line at their matches.

Male carers of young children are still so few and far between that, in many (most?) areas an exclusively dads group is, out of the question I imagine.

@Spry

For all those saying that men should set up their own group...

When I was eight, my (mixed) primary school said it was looking for children to join a new football team and that there would be a trial match on Saturday morning to pick players for the team. I was ecstatic and practiced my dribbling and striking skills even more than usual. When the day came for the trial I was pretty nervous and self-conscious about taking part, as I knew I'd be the only girl. But I scored my side's winning goal and felt on top of the world.

The kindly, rather elderly teacher in charge of the whole venture clearly found it very hard to tell me that FA rules as they then were (mid 80s) banned mixed teams, even at primary level. He promised me that he'd coach a girls' team though, if I could get together enough to make up a team.

I managed to persuade one girl to join me but that was clearly not nearly enough. And so I could only cheer my classmates on from the touch line at their matches.

Male carers of young children are still so few and far between that, in many (most?) areas an exclusively dads group is, out of the question I imagine.

This.

YANBU. I wouldn't have liked this either.

@Spry

For all those saying that men should set up their own group...

When I was eight, my (mixed) primary school said it was looking for children to join a new football team and that there would be a trial match on Saturday morning to pick players for the team. I was ecstatic and practiced my dribbling and striking skills even more than usual. When the day came for the trial I was pretty nervous and self-conscious about taking part, as I knew I'd be the only girl. But I scored my side's winning goal and felt on top of the world.

The kindly, rather elderly teacher in charge of the whole venture clearly found it very hard to tell me that FA rules as they then were (mid 80s) banned mixed teams, even at primary level. He promised me that he'd coach a girls' team though, if I could get together enough to make up a team.

I managed to persuade one girl to join me but that was clearly not nearly enough. And so I could only cheer my classmates on from the touch line at their matches.

Male carers of young children are still so few and far between that, in many (most?) areas an exclusively dads group is, out of the question I imagine.

Except that this is not the only parenting or baby group. There are plenty of mixed ones where a Dad could go, including dad only ones.

If you want a similar analogy it would be girls teams existing, mixed teams existing,mixed sport clubs existing but you wanting to only play in a specific all boys football team .

As for the man in the OP that keeps being suggested because OP stated that 1.there are several men now and 2. The idea was bandied about it the group it just never took off.

Male carers of young children are still so few and far between that, in many (most?) areas an exclusively dads group is, out of the question I imagine.

There's already a few of them to start with so they've got a starting point.

Plus if they host it in the pub at a different time to the Mums group there will be Dads interested.

It'll likely be more transient than the Mums group as more men only have short periods off, but that's not an insurmountable barrier.

Tbh if DH could do it in a small village 20 years ago then there's very few reasons someone with full access to the internet in a time where many more men do part time and condensed hours can't.

So many of you women on here are huge enablers of “learned male helplessness” from the sound of your responses.

Why are you so intent on helping them be useless? Of course men need to parent but also women aren’t the organizers of this! If you are a parent then you parent! Women don’t need to facilitate or “help” them parent or access groups. These are adults!

It’s infuriating to read women.. “maybe if we help more. Maybe If we are kinder and do it for them.. maybe we just need to show them”

Are you joking?! Again.. adult males who have helped create a child. Somehow women can manage to organize and mother without intervention, but fathers need instruction, us to organize, show them and lead them to being fathers?

No. If a man is a sole caregiver he should have support.. all parents should. And I don’t know what kind of parenting groups for men you have in the UK, but women enabling this “helplessness” in men is disgusting.

It’s EXPECTED men to father! Women don’t get to act like we don’t know how to do something.. if we don’t know we find out how to do something. Yet men need a whole consortium of women to ensure they can be parents. It’s always . Let’s just help then.. let’s show them. Humans have been having babies for how long.. they need to help themselves. That means organizing their own father support groups and advocating for more support for fathers.

As the helpful asshole on here reminded me “all the male CEOs manages without women” .. thanks sir pickmealot for that btw.

Men can be CEOs but can’t take care of their own children? They can’t arrange a father meet up group?

Mother and mother to be group.. for women. Parent group for men and women and father and father to be is for men.

It’s ok to have women only spaces, it’s ok to have men only spaces.

If you feel that strongly about it, say so on the group. Or, leave and start your own group. Clearly enough women feel they want a mixed group and want to bring their partners.

Most women do not go to groups. It is not essential to be a parent.

This 'mum's group' wasn't set up by a mum wanting to provide a safe space for women to discuss their birthing trauma. It was set up by the owner of the bar to get people across the doorway. It was a commercial decision, and presumably the owner didn't think much further than thinking 'who's around during the daytime in the week? Ah...mums!'

They could just as easily have called it a parent's group, but I imagine they didn't over-think it, because there was no philosophy or particularly supportive thinking behind it. Consequently, I think that men joining it isn't a big deal.

If it was set up by mums for mums, or by an organisation or health visitors or anything else, specifically to support mothers, then it might well not be appropriate for men to join. But that's not the case here. No-one runs it, no-one's responsible for it. The bar just gets the place looking less empty so more people are likely to come in.

@MayThePawsBeWithYou

The poor dad who came didnt know he would be the only one. It changed the dynamics but maybe it would be kinder if your group could help set up a daddy or couples group.

You think that a women's group should set up a group for men?

@Confusedtraveler

I hate this horribly sexist attitude of blocking men to join things baby or children related, and then moan that men don't feel as involved in their child's life. You can't have it both ways.

Until we agree to have PARENTS groups, women are always going to lose out, because we naturally become the main carer from the start.

Breastfeeding is one thing, and literally giving birth the same, but insisting that it's a mum's area mean equality goes back yet again.
It's a joke to then expect to take parental leave equally, to share childcare absolutely equally, and demand that school no longer put mothers first on their caller list, and the list goes on.

Do you think that WOMEN have the same investment in MOTHERHOOD as MEN?

Do you think there might be BIOLOGICAL REPERCUSSIONS at play?

That they need to maybe seek some comfort from other WOMEN perhaps?

It is a FALLACY that all things can be equal. WOMEN wreck their physical and mental health through motherhood, let’s not pretend that equality is even possible.

@FortunateOne

OP just wondering what you think the answer is/what you would like to happen? Btw I'm not in your group, but the one I'm in has the same problem

@FortunateOne In my group, one of the women suggested the men form their own group but it never happened. I do think that’s the best solution. And if the drops in are to be inclusive, then having something like the first Monday of every month as mums and dads would help.

Are you sure you’re not in my group? Where is yours based?

Most groups are for everyone. There are few women-only groups. In fact, when it was open, our Sure Start had a mans only group and no women-only group.

Yup lol I'm in Manchester! I didn't read your original post properly

Thus would piss me off too. By all means set up a dads group, but don't weedle in on a mums group. Mum being the key word here!! I once joined a single mums Facebook group and soon left after realising women with partners were in it and also men! It absolutely does change the dynamics from what it is meant to be! YANBU

This thread is like catnip for handmaidens 😂

That they need to maybe seek some comfort from other WOMEN perhaps?

I cringe when I hear thing like that, next you'll be talking about the "sisterhood"

@confusedtravel you do not have to value talking to other women without men there. But some women do.

... @Confusedtraveler very ably demonstrating why women's only groups are needed.

I don’t have kids or want them (do adore my nephews though!)
So when I think of baby groups
Imagine it is a child friendly get together
So new parents can enjoy some socialising
With the assurance that nobody else will mind if their toddler cries in the cafe
Or must be whisked away abruptly for a nappy change etc
My point is that I would think it’s assumed baby was coming along too
A man turning up without his child to such a group
Raises big red flags to me
There is something that just doesn’t sit right
I would be very cautious about this man
And keep his partner in mind in case there could be an issue of abuse
Some people have sick fantasies
And enjoy being in the company of people who can illicit their fantasies
I would be contacting the group head to raise my concerns that a man turned up without his baby
I would be strongly considering creating my own mothers only group too
Surely other women also felt uncomfortable by his presence & you can create your own likeminded group
Without others bleating to “be kind”
A man’s right to engage with a parent group
Should not trump making new mothers feel uncomfortable
Why did this man not want to spend his day pursuing his hobby or whatnot
To get some “me” time
Why when baby not in tow did he choose to attend a new baby group
It doesn’t make sense
IMO

Maybe some of the women invited men so they don't have to keep hearing about birth trauma and all the rest of it over lunch in a pub

There are plenty of groups set up for that

I just wanted to add.. sounds like this group wasn't set up as a support group so maybe you need to clarify what the purpose of the group is. Ours started as a casual lunch meet and then women started bringing their men. Definitely think it's weird that a guy turned up on his own. Surely that wouldn't be a regular thing though? I mean, no other guys are going to do that?? Most guys I know that come to parent things are pretty sensitive to women's matters. The question we had was whether they should be there in the first place. I'm undecided actually.

Anyway there is a LOT of psycho anger on this thread which is NOT okay. Why don't you raise your voice in the group and see what others think?

Call it a support group for one and breast feeding

Yabu to call it a mums group