Dads joining coffee group

[CaptainMyCaptainn]

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

@Iwannabewherethepeopleare

It’s tough. I think it’s the womens fault for taking their partners but not the fault of the dads invited iyswim. Also I know a couple of single dads that would benefit more from mixed parent groups than dads only as single full-time, male parents aren’t the norm and would be better speaking to other full-time parents or mums who do the lions share (not that they always do or should but they are usually the ones who take the most responsibility for child-rearing)

But there are groups for that. Parent groups, baby groups either around an activity or just a gathering etc. And ofc actual dad groups.

What isn't for that is a mum to be/mum group.

I hate this horribly sexist attitude of blocking men to join things baby or children related, and then moan that men don't feel as involved in their child's life. You can't have it both ways.

I don't think it's the responsibility of women to jolly men along into growing up and caring for their children. "Come on now Dave, you can have a cake with your coffee and if any of the silly ladies mention mastitis, we'll just call her a silly moo!"

It doesn't sound like a baby group or a parent group, it sounds like a group for women and a space they feel comfortable covering an array of topics that they probably wouldn't in front of men. Why can't the men start a dads group or a general parent group rather than imposing themselves in this one.

I went to a mums only group every week for years, it was the best part of my week sometimes and would have been completely ruined by having men there.

Can someone else start a mixed group on a different day?

One of the dads came to a baby music class this morning, he was very welcome and had a great time. No problem at all with dads at classes and should be encouraged.
However I disagree with dads in a mums support group like this, a female only space to talk about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc is important.

Don't know why they want to be there. I'd run a mile if I went to a lunch and it was constant birth trauma breastfeeding and periods and I'm female

@Confusedtraveler

I hate this horribly sexist attitude of blocking men to join things baby or children related, and then moan that men don't feel as involved in their child's life. You can't have it both ways.

Until we agree to have PARENTS groups, women are always going to lose out, because we naturally become the main carer from the start.

Breastfeeding is one thing, and literally giving birth the same, but insisting that it's a mum's area mean equality goes back yet again.
It's a joke to then expect to take parental leave equally, to share childcare absolutely equally, and demand that school no longer put mothers first on their caller list, and the list goes on.

It's about blocking men from mums/women related groups. No one is saying this about baby groups,or softplay or whatever.

The issue is when a women centric group stops being that because a man feels he has the right to be a part of it. Even worse when other women cheer him on.

That's because dads can't be bothered to set any up even if they actually want to attend, and the official dad ones show that.

or because, traditionally, men are back at work while women are on maternity leave... OBVIOUSLY maternity leave should be female exclusively at the start (witnessing a baby being pushed out does not give you the need for a few weeks of rest!)

but after the first weeks/months physically needed, still no paternity leave and it's all about mums groups, women's groups where dads have place.

I don't agree with keeping fathers away, because I would have not agree if DH has left me all the childcare! (again, obviously the pregnancy and birth was physically me, but he was involved too!)

DH got "tutted" when he dared taking his own baby to a baby clinic

Not a breastfeeding group, a place where you physically get your baby weight checked - and can have a coffee etc. with parents while you are there.

Guessing the same women have spend the next years moaning that their DH did leave them all the work...

@Eeyorepigletandpooh It wasn’t a support group though. It was originally set up as a mums group by the owner of a wine bar to attract mums to the wine bar for coffee. Then they changed it to a mums and dads group and dads started going.

The dad would be made welcome if I had started he group. This is he only way the world is going to move forward. What is wrong with the man coming?

@Confusedtraveler

I hate this horribly sexist attitude of blocking men to join things baby or children related, and then moan that men don't feel as involved in their child's life. You can't have it both ways.

Until we agree to have PARENTS groups, women are always going to lose out, because we naturally become the main carer from the start.

Breastfeeding is one thing, and literally giving birth the same, but insisting that it's a mum's area mean equality goes back yet again.
It's a joke to then expect to take parental leave equally, to share childcare absolutely equally, and demand that school no longer put mothers first on their caller list, and the list goes on.

I hate the attitude that women at our most vulnerable are supposed to put up with dominating patronising men who still want the women to do all the work. Because the men who insist in going to a women-only group are always like this.

@Confusedtraveler

DH got "tutted" when he dared taking his own baby to a baby clinic

Not a breastfeeding group, a place where you physically get your baby weight checked - and can have a coffee etc. with parents while you are there.

Guessing the same women have spend the next years moaning that their DH did leave them all the work...

That does sound very odd. I went to a fair number of baby groups and weigh in clinics etc and no one was arsed if a man was there. There was one bloke who had to declare oh yes I'm the father bet its odd for you to see one of us here every bloody time- and no still no one cared. A group for mums to talk though and meet up socially it would be weird.

@Confusedtraveler

That's because dads can't be bothered to set any up even if they actually want to attend, and the official dad ones show that.

or because, traditionally, men are back at work while women are on maternity leave... OBVIOUSLY maternity leave should be female exclusively at the start (witnessing a baby being pushed out does not give you the need for a few weeks of rest!)

but after the first weeks/months physically needed, still no paternity leave and it's all about mums groups, women's groups where dads have place.

I don't agree with keeping fathers away, because I would have not agree if DH has left me all the childcare! (again, obviously the pregnancy and birth was physically me, but he was involved too!)

That is such a cop out and completely irrelevant. What do women/mum groups have to do with dads looking after their children?

Sorry love they didn't let me in in the mum group so I can't possibly parent now. Really? Really?

Do mums that never attend groups get to use that as an excuse?

If a father is useless, they will be useless groups or no groups. Interfering with women's privacy ,dignity and safety to try and pre empt the uselessness is ridiculous. It's also once again women modifying their behaviour and accommodating men/putting them first.

Ironically, this dad attended alone while the mum was at home looking after the baby.

[quote DragonMovie]@Eeyorepigletandpooh It wasn’t a support group though. It was originally set up as a mums group by the owner of a wine bar to attract mums to the wine bar for coffee. Then they changed it to a mums and dads group and dads started going.[/quote]
It was changed after a small number of women started bringing partners or wanted their partners to join.

@ldontWanna I understand your point, I don’t think it’s great that the men are in this particular group because it’s clearly mums only but if these men have been invited by members of the group they mustn’t realise that’s the case, so not really their fault but the fault of their partners. Not all groups called ‘mums and toddlers’ or whatever are exclusively for mums, so the men probably think they are fine to go.

[quote Iwannabewherethepeopleare]@ldontWanna I understand your point, I don’t think it’s great that the men are in this particular group because it’s clearly mums only but if these men have been invited by members of the group they mustn’t realise that’s the case, so not really their fault but the fault of their partners. Not all groups called ‘mums and toddlers’ or whatever are exclusively for mums, so the men probably think they are fine to go.[/quote]
I understand and accept that. I do wonder though which partner instigated it and why.

Monopolyiscrap

I hate the attitude that women at our most vulnerable are supposed to put up with dominating patronising men who still want the women to do all the work. Because the men who insist in going to a women-only group are always like this

absolute bollocks.

Some of us want equal partners, and share childcare
It's the opposite of patronising to expect a man to step up and be a DAD in equal way.

It's people like you who climb on their "women only", no place for dominating patronising men in our "women world" who cause for (some) men to happily reject their responsibility -

followed by countless threads about "selfish men" disappearing weekends and evenings for their hobbies, not interested in childcare etc.

You wanted to keep them out, you should be happy.
I am not having that old-fashion crap, it's 50/50 mum and dad.

Some couples can’t do anything without the other!

(a man popping up alone IS weird, at least unusual)

but I can't for the life of me see why a weekly meetup in a PUB (meaning PUBLIC) to discuss babies and holidays translate as a "woman only", men who would come along could not possibly be anything but an abusive arsehole.

@Iwannabewherethepeopleare

Some couples can’t do anything without the other!

don't sound so bitter.

It's people like you who climb on their "women only", no place for dominating patronising men in our "women world" who cause for (some) men to happily reject their responsibility

You're blaming women for wanting some female only groups for men rejecting the responsibility of looking after their children? That's some grade A misogyny there.

My husband manages perfectly well being a great parent without feeling the need to go to groups that are clearly for mums. There are plenty of other places to take babies and children.

@JustBlethering

It's people like you who climb on their "women only", no place for dominating patronising men in our "women world" who cause for (some) men to happily reject their responsibility

You're blaming women for wanting some female only groups for men rejecting the responsibility of looking after their children? That's some grade A misogyny there.

My husband manages perfectly well being a great parent without feeling the need to go to groups that are clearly for mums. There are plenty of other places to take babies and children.

of course I blame women to want to keep men away from being a father!

Why mums groups? Can't dad deal with babies for the first year?

Going with dad is bliss actually. He can feed and change nappies, while I can sit down with my drink and have 20 minutes of bliss and a natter.

@Confusedtraveler nope. My DP is an equal parent despite never going to any groups.

@Confusedtraveler

Monopolyiscrap

I hate the attitude that women at our most vulnerable are supposed to put up with dominating patronising men who still want the women to do all the work. Because the men who insist in going to a women-only group are always like this

absolute bollocks.

Some of us want equal partners, and share childcare
It's the opposite of patronising to expect a man to step up and be a DAD in equal way.

It's people like you who climb on their "women only", no place for dominating patronising men in our "women world" who cause for (some) men to happily reject their responsibility -

followed by countless threads about "selfish men" disappearing weekends and evenings for their hobbies, not interested in childcare etc.

You wanted to keep them out, you should be happy.
I am not having that old-fashion crap, it's 50/50 mum and dad.

OH never went to a group. He's still a DAD and did all the shitty stuff with DD I didn't want to do... playing, soft play, swimming, out in the rain, teaching her to ride a bike plus actual parenting.

I never went to a specific parent group (only did the singing/sign language one) . Somehow I still managed to parent and not dump my responsibilities on someone else.

Must be some kind of magic.