To not see them again?

[SplitStep]

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

I don't understand why anyone would move in with someone with children if you didn't at least really like them

Can you understand that you may not always continue to like them the same as they grow and change? Feelings aren't fixed. They can change.

As PP said, I also liked my husband when I moved in with him!

You mean she respected the mother’s boundaries? Then chose to sacrifice for what she, at the time, considered to be the good of the household? Presumably not realizing at that point the husband would take it as permission to dump it all on her?

Yes, what a dreadful woman(!)

Anyone got a number for these psychics that should be consulted before you even get out of bed in the morning? God forbid you embark on anything without making hindsight foresight.

@whumpthereitis

Anyone got a number for these psychics that should be consulted before you even get out of bed in the morning? God forbid you embark on anything without making hindsight foresight.

Like adopting a dog?

Hell, like deciding whether to have coffee or a Red Bull in the AM. Best to cover all bases apparently, because if anything comes back to bite you in the proverbial arse, it’s absolutely going to be your fault.

It’s really clear that you’re banging on at the OP because you’re pissed that she’s 1, got a backbone, and 2, won’t be bullied and shamed off mumsnet by a squawking minority. At this point it might be best to let it go, but oh well. Birds will chirp.

@whumpthereitis

Hell, like deciding whether to have coffee or a Red Bull in the AM. Best to cover all bases apparently, because if anything comes back to bite you in the proverbial arse, it’s absolutely going to be your fault.

It’s really clear that you’re banging on at the OP because you’re pissed that she’s 1, got a backbone, and 2, won’t be bullied and shamed off mumsnet by a squawking minority. At this point it might be best to let it go, but oh well. Birds will chirp.

Agree 100% I feel like some posters think op should be flogged in the market square for having the audacity to put her own well-being first. 50 lashes and maybe she will be allowed carry on how she wants. It’s bonkers.

@SplitStep I really don’t know why you continue to be crucified when you have clearly elaborated how you were specifically excluded from being a step MUM by both the SC mother and their father (your ex). Anyone could see how your Ex wanting to encroach on your boundaries would just simply continue some of the situation you wanted to extricate yourself from.

YANBU. The majority of votes illustrate that too. Best of luck going forward.

@whumpthereitis

Hell, like deciding whether to have coffee or a Red Bull in the AM. Best to cover all bases apparently, because if anything comes back to bite you in the proverbial arse, it’s absolutely going to be your fault.

It’s really clear that you’re banging on at the OP because you’re pissed that she’s 1, got a backbone, and 2, won’t be bullied and shamed off mumsnet by a squawking minority. At this point it might be best to let it go, but oh well. Birds will chirp.

Completely agree.

The OP is so brave.

Refusing to allow a relationship with a nasty twat, derail her life.

I really hope she does not entertain him across her doorstep.

It is Completely up to HIM to facilitate any relationship between his children.

Absolutely NOTHING to do with the OP.

@Pumperthepumper

You've really got it wrong on this thread when it comes to what constitutes normal questions and what is an oddly aggressive interrogation of OP's background, motives and character.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the wee donkey you're not Ted Hastings questioning H, chill!

@whumpthereitis

Hell, like deciding whether to have coffee or a Red Bull in the AM. Best to cover all bases apparently, because if anything comes back to bite you in the proverbial arse, it’s absolutely going to be your fault.

It’s really clear that you’re banging on at the OP because you’re pissed that she’s 1, got a backbone, and 2, won’t be bullied and shamed off mumsnet by a squawking minority. At this point it might be best to let it go, but oh well. Birds will chirp.

No, I’m still struggling with the relationship that the OP has with these children for six years. Where she was involved but not involved. Had nothing to do with raising them but actually did homework and so on. Lived with them 50% of the time for six years but had no affection for them. AND that none of that played a part in the end of the relationship.

And obviously, the OP can do what she likes going forward. But I’m allowed to express sympathy for those children having nobody on their team for six years (including their biological parents).

@MzHz
Actually my relationship with my SS wasn't amazing and him coming here is always on his terms. I just want him to know that when I lived with him and had his half siblings that he will always be treated as family.
Even though as with any family the relationships are not perfect!

And obviously, the OP can do what she likes going forward.

Phew she'll be relieved to hear that.

But I’m allowed to express sympathy for those children having nobody on their team for six years (including their biological parents).

I think you've done that in spades now, job done.

🦜🦜🦜

OP has already explained, ad nauseam. Feel free to check back on pretty much any of the 19 previous pages. It’s not information you lack, it’s reading comprehension.

Just as well OP is standing up for herself. For all the talk of how women should be able to enforce boundaries and make sure their own needs are met, as soon as one does there’ll be someone who wants to come along and shove her back in her box.

@Pumperthepumper

You should have just ended your last post here: "No, I’m still struggling"

But I’m allowed to express sympathy for those children having nobody on their team for six years (including their biological parents).

What is it you think the OP should be doing here @Pumperthepumper? You’ve needed to be told the same things over and over and deliberately (I hope) misunderstood them time and again.

You’ve made your judgemental position that the OP is wrong, quite clear. But what exactly do you think she should be doing?

I don't get why this is difficult for people to understand.

If this was a mum on here saying, I've just split up with my husband, my kids aren't his but I think he should still see them. Should I force him to? There would be uproar about how dare she leave her kids with a man they aren't related to. I've seen it happen. Why is it fine because op is a woman?

She has been in their lives for a while. But now is no longer their family, why does she need to be a childminder now? Because daddy is too fucking useless? That's not her fault, that's his fault. Why is no one annoyed at the actual parents in this scenario who just want to palm off their kids onto someone else?

As I said before, if fuckwit daddy couldn't figure out how to count to 3 when he was producing children, he shouldn't have done it. Assuming he is an actual functioning human adult, he can count to 3, so it is not beyond him that he cannot care for his 3 children together. It won't kill him, and it's not like he'll have this every day either, probably once every two weeks and he'll no doubt get his mummy to do the work for him. No reason for op to be involved at all.

@AllOfUsAreDead - maybe it's hard for you to understand because you aren't reading what people have said. I haven't seen anybody suggesting that OP take the children on her own. People have said it's very harsh to walk away without meeting them to chat a few times, being nice with a birthday card etc. It isn't necessary to cut them off without regard to their feelings when they are just children who have done nothing wrong. Escalating that into regular childminding would be strange, but nobody suggested OP should do that.

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@AllOfUsAreDead - maybe it's hard for you to understand because you aren't reading what people have said. I haven't seen anybody suggesting that OP take the children on her own. People have said it's very harsh to walk away without meeting them to chat a few times, being nice with a birthday card etc. It isn't necessary to cut them off without regard to their feelings when they are just children who have done nothing wrong. Escalating that into regular childminding would be strange, but nobody suggested OP should do that.[/quote]
I read ops posts and she has said herself that she won't be ignoring them and will chat to them, see them at birthday parties etc. So what exactly is the problem then?

No, I’m still struggling

Yes you really are aren’t you? The OP has explained all of this quite clearly. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Maybe see all her posts again and read them properly. ....Although I doubt that will help. You seem to want to portray her as the heartless evil stepmother no matter what she says.

The above was for @Pumperthepumper

@AllOfUsAreDead - Being polite at the door while collecting her own child is the bare minimum, you'd expect as much from a postman who've never met them. Greeting them at her child's birthday party, again you'd expect that towards a mum she's never met who's dropping off. Nothing at all like meeting the children specifically to ask how THEY are, nor giving a card for THEIR birthday. Totally different things.

@Bonheurdupasse

You're very right to defend your space OP. I doubt I'm being cynical here as I'm imaging your ExH is missing the practical support you were giving him with his kids and wants to use you again.

That's exactly what I suspect too! He might well end up dumping them on you if you give in too! Not straight away but if you allowed it, he'd keep inviting himself and his kids and gradually eroding your privacy and boundaries. It'd probably start with him "just nipping to the shop" and then one day, he'd just not come back for hours! No way should you ever allow even the possibility of him doing that to you OP! In your place I'd say a firm and clear NO! If he says his kids want to see your DC, then tell him he can have DC at his place when they're there but what he's suggesting does not work for you! Be firm, no apologies, no explanations and don't let him play you for a fool because that's what I suspect he'll try to do! It's your home OP , you get to decide who visits, when and for how long! YANBU!!!

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@AllOfUsAreDead - Being polite at the door while collecting her own child is the bare minimum, you'd expect as much from a postman who've never met them. Greeting them at her child's birthday party, again you'd expect that towards a mum she's never met who's dropping off. Nothing at all like meeting the children specifically to ask how THEY are, nor giving a card for THEIR birthday. Totally different things.[/quote]
And that’s fine. She doesn’t need to offer any more, and nor should she if she doesn’t want to.