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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
T00Ts · 14/02/2022 23:07

I’ve found this OP refreshing and honest. She’s handled this predictable shitshow of a thread very well. And she has clear boundaries to protect herself and her child and I respect that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2022 23:16

@YungBludForPM

Losing faith in humanity. 😣 I could never be so heartless.
@YungBludForPM Urgh so pious. It’s so easy to say when it’s NOT you isn’t it?
BoredZelda · 15/02/2022 00:08

It’s really funny that people think children of 8 and 11 can’t understand that non family adults in their life will come and go.

Happens all the time for so many reasons. Kids get over it.

BoredZelda · 15/02/2022 00:11

You'll see a different perspective. I'm sure you'd want your child to be considered and respected.

I really don’t think OP will. I’m sure OP will consider her child and respect him by doing whatever she needs to, to help him feel comfortable with the situation.

I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest most mothers wouldn’t be overly keen on an ex step mum deciding they still wanted to play step mum to their child when they are no longer together with the other parent.

CandyFloss31 · 15/02/2022 06:57

I think the problem you have here, is that by assuming you would want to maintain contact with the children you have jointly raised, your ex-husband holds a higher opinion of you than he should have.

Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 07:03

the children you have jointly raised

Jointly raised? They have a mum and dad.

OP posts:
CandyFloss31 · 15/02/2022 07:14

@SplitStep

the children you have jointly raised

Jointly raised? They have a mum and dad.

Jeez, you are so cold!
mrshoho · 15/02/2022 07:16

You were married to their Dad and they lived with you 50% of the time for 6 years? Were you not involved in raising them?

Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 07:20

Why is that cold? They do have a Mum and Dad. A Mum who would rip my head off if I told her I'd jointly raised them.

OP posts:
TicTacHoh · 15/02/2022 07:20

OP, I've had SC for 9 years, I'm not involved in raising them, they have a mother and a father for that. People on here are being wilfully obtuse. Stand your ground.

Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 07:22

@mrshoho

You were married to their Dad and they lived with you 50% of the time for 6 years? Were you not involved in raising them?
I was involved in the things their parents deemed boring enough for me to be involved in (so all the parts they didn't really want to do). But no I was no allowed to be involved in other things as I've said on this thread i.e. dealing with their behaviour, getting an opinion on how it should be handled etc..

I don't call that raising a child tbh. I was repeatedly reminded at the start by his ex that they weren't my children too. That only slightly changed when she needed help with something and my husband wasn't around.

OP posts:
mrshoho · 15/02/2022 07:23

If you were such an insignificant part of these children's lives then yes there is no point in maintaining any relationship with them. Hopefully it is just the father assuming that his children would want to see you. Hopefully they are not missing you at all.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 15/02/2022 08:12

It's interesting how people have to extens to ludicrous proportions what's been said by others. I didn't see anybody suggest OP takes the children on her own, not on the thread and not even her ex! People have suggested that meeting the children a few times will help reassure them that you care that they are ok; after that birthday/ christmas cards, them knowing they have your phone number, birthday invites for their sibling and friendliness will keep up some warmth. Versus cutting them out and thinking being polite at the door is enough to manage the complicated emotions those young children will feel. They don't need to be invited into the house, certainly the ex doesn't need to come in, but if their sibling wants to show them round in the future that would be ok.

Those mentioning the ex, he's not here but he actually has tried to facilitate some interaction. I'd tell him to stop running around having children when he can't maintain relationships.

YungBludForPM · 15/02/2022 08:16

You've obviously made your mind up and just want validation. What's the point asking the question?

It's genuinely doing HARM to the children but oh well as long as you get the space you want and they stop being an inconvenience to you.

Sally872 · 15/02/2022 08:27

Yanbu.

At some point your ex may meet someone else. And so may you and then what. The step dc have mum, new step mum, ex step mum and their own mum plus any bet partners involved with mum/ex step. I bet their own mum probably thinks it is a bit much too.

I think being nice when you bump into them but no organised contact is perfectly reasonable and while it may be hard for the children their parents will support them through it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2022 08:40

@YungBludForPM

You've obviously made your mind up and just want validation. What's the point asking the question?

It's genuinely doing HARM to the children but oh well as long as you get the space you want and they stop being an inconvenience to you.

@YungBludForPM How do you know it would do harm to the CHILDREN? They really might not be at all impacted especially on account of the fact that they have two parents to prioritise them and meet their needs etc. Not everyone has to sacrifice all the time for unrelated children
hedgehogger1 · 15/02/2022 08:53

Poor kids. You've been there long enough they probably can't remember a time without you. They are prob a lot more attached to you than you are to them. That level of rejection must hurt when I assume they considered you a third parent

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/02/2022 09:06

@hedgehogger1

Poor kids. You've been there long enough they probably can't remember a time without you. They are prob a lot more attached to you than you are to them. That level of rejection must hurt when I assume they considered you a third parent
How do you know they consider her to be a third parent though? I've been in my stepkids lives for nearly 10 years and I KNOW that they don't consider me to be a third parent as I've never acted as such.
Steppered · 15/02/2022 09:47

I think that whatever you do, you will be engineered to be the bad guy in the situation by your exH. Sounds like he has form.

So let's say you do continue to see them...to host them at your home or take them places. Sure, if it suits your ex, he'll act nice as pie so you can do his childcare. But how about when you say "no" or you have a less than amicable discussion about finances, for example? He will then dripfeed nasty comments about you into his kids ears. Maybe their Mum will too - who knows. Yet, you're still needed for childcare...and you wonder why the kids are so sullen that day, why they seem "off" with you? Everyone has an awkward and unpleasant day, the kids have conflicted feelings, including your little one. How that can benefit anyone, I really don't know.

Or when he meets someone else. What then? You get binned off immediately - or asked to cover date nights while he's in the honeymoon phase?! Again, how this helps any of you move forward, I don't know.

I imagine it isn't a decision you've taken lightly and I think for those posters who assume you are "ghosting", that's a bit much. You'll still see them at parties, drop-offs etc, and I'm sure you'll chat to them - that is, if they will chat to you, because of what your ex may say & loyalty binds. I'm sure there is care and compassion for them, but here you are putting yourself first to establish boundaries that your ex will likely try and ride all over.

That's just my take on how it'd likely play out.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2022 10:02

@Catkin8

I think you're being very selfish. I hope you don't abandon your own child so easily if they show 'difficult' behaviours in the future.
It's a lot easier to look past difficult behaviour when it's your own child. By the sounds of it, from what the OP has said, she wasn't allowed any input into dealing with her SC's difficult behaviour or to try and tackle it, that reinforces the fact that this is not her child by her ex and the SC's mother. If her her own child starts behaving badly, she will be able to deal with that. There's a massive difference which I'm sure you know already.....
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 15/02/2022 10:21

I feel sad for the kids, to lose someone they've lived with 50% of the time for 6 years, that's rough. But I don't see any point in dragging things out given your feelings. It's their Dad's responsibility to support them through what to them night feel like a significant loss. You feel how you feel, no one can change that.

T00Ts · 15/02/2022 10:55

I think some posters are being wilfully obtuse on here and just see STEPMOTHER ABANDONS CHILDREN! and respond overly emotionally and in some cases, abusively to the OP.

It really doesn’t take a genius to read between the lines of what the OP is saying here. She may have been in these children’s lives for six years, however, in that time, I suspect she has been roundly forced away by the children’s mother, told repeatedly she has no say at all over any aspect of their lives, yet used for childcare and other conveniences when it suited the children’s parents (the mother appears to have been able to put aside her feelings when it benefited her), lived 50 per cent of the time with a child whose behaviour was getting out of hand and whose parents refused to act (which would obviously breed resentment) has had her own relationship break down due to various things with the children’s father, a man who is still trying to force himself and his other children into the OP’s home and life, probably to ask for future childcare.

If a stepfather left a stepmother, he wouldn’t be receiving messages telling him how cold and cruel he was for not continuing to see his former stepchildren. Why does being a woman change the expectations and judgement of some people on here?

Bluebottle11 · 15/02/2022 11:07

So many child psychologists on here claiming it will do the children harm!! I know where to come if I need advice now, I’m surprised to find such a high concentration of experts on here

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 11:33

I think a more interesting question is; why take on someone else’s kids if you’re going to see them as a burden? Why let that drag on for six years, why introduce more children into the mix?

It’s perfectly valid to say: I couldn’t love someone else’s children, I couldn’t be a step parent (I’m firmly in that category). But to do it, for years, be part of their life for years, 50% of the time, and only then decide it’s not for you, is pretty poor. It’s also pretty poor to be forced into a household 50% of the time where the people supposed to be looking after you (age 2-8) think you’re a complete pain in the arse.

The kids in this scenario have been massively let down by their parents, but the OP isn’t innocent either. And I said, that’ll be her own kid one day, seen as a burden by their dad’s new girlfriend.

Sally872 · 15/02/2022 11:38

@Pumperthepumper

The relationship work OPs husband has ended like many relationships. OP was willing to be step mum while with their dad but not now they have split that is perfectly reasonable. And while difficult initially probably less confusing in the longer term.

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