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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see them again?

513 replies

SplitStep · 14/02/2022 13:30

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 13:58

@SplitStep

Wasn’t one of them two years old when you got with their dad?

What's your point? Their age isn't relevant really as to whether I raised them or not. As I've said, at the start their Mum made it very clear they weren't my children and would have a fit if I tried to do anything with them.

That only slightly changed when she wanted help with stuff but my H wasn't around so I was good enough then but not for anything else.

So yes, I do see them as nothing much to do with me. That's what I've been told multiple times!

Right from the beginning it was made clear to you you were to have nothing to do with them?

And that continued for six years plus a new baby?

funinthesun19 · 15/02/2022 14:00

From what I can gather it didn’t continue because the mum needed childcare and miraculously op was now required to have something to do with the children.

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 14:01

@funinthesun19

From what I can gather it didn’t continue because the mum needed childcare and miraculously op was now required to have something to do with the children.
So was there a relationship there or not?
Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:01

Right from the beginning it was made clear to you you were to have nothing to do with them?

What are you have trouble understanding? I've explained several times what their Mum was like/ what H was like/issue with the behaviour which got worse as the child got older.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 14:02

@SplitStep

Right from the beginning it was made clear to you you were to have nothing to do with them?

What are you have trouble understanding? I've explained several times what their Mum was like/ what H was like/issue with the behaviour which got worse as the child got older.

I’m not understanding what kind of a relationship you had with them, because you keep changing your mind. Did you have a relationship with them or not? Did you care for them or not? Did you help raise them or not?
Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:06

So was there a relationship there or not?

  1. At the beginning I was informed repeatedly by their Mum they weren't my children and I wasn't to do anything with them/be alone with them/act like a parent etc etc
  2. That only changed when she started realising she could get me to help with the shit bits like childcare / school runs / lockdown homeschooling etc.. when H wasn't around. So yes I felt put upon and used.
  3. As youngest got older their behaviour became more and more challenging. I was also not allowed to deal with it or really comment on it at all without being accused of all sorts / told it was none of my business or whatever. This lead to me not enjoying their company or being a step parent.

All of this together means no, I don't really have any strong love for the children or attachement. I am not really interested in maintaining a relationship because we didnt really bond in that way and I no longer want the step parent situation to be part of my life.

What are you struggling with?

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:07

I’m not understanding what kind of a relationship you had with them, because you keep changing your mind. Did you have a relationship with them or not? Did you care for them or not? Did you help raise them or not?

I've not changed my mind at all! I've said the same thing over and over again you just seem incapable of actually taking it in. Purposefully or not I'm unsure.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 14:09

@SplitStep

So was there a relationship there or not?
  1. At the beginning I was informed repeatedly by their Mum they weren't my children and I wasn't to do anything with them/be alone with them/act like a parent etc etc
  2. That only changed when she started realising she could get me to help with the shit bits like childcare / school runs / lockdown homeschooling etc.. when H wasn't around. So yes I felt put upon and used.
  3. As youngest got older their behaviour became more and more challenging. I was also not allowed to deal with it or really comment on it at all without being accused of all sorts / told it was none of my business or whatever. This lead to me not enjoying their company or being a step parent.

All of this together means no, I don't really have any strong love for the children or attachement. I am not really interested in maintaining a relationship because we didnt really bond in that way and I no longer want the step parent situation to be part of my life.

What are you struggling with?

I’m struggling to see why you had children in your house for six years that you felt no affection for. And you felt ‘put upon and used’ - what were you being asked to do?
Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:09

And again, this is not the reason I split with their Dad. There were multiple other reasons bigger than this which had nothing to do with the children. Which, again, make me reluctant to have anything to do with H or the kids by extension (more than I need to with our DC's contact arrangements).

OP posts:
Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:10

what were you being asked to do?

I'm honestly not repeating it again. I assume you can read? I even gave examples in the post you quoted!

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 14:10

@SplitStep

And again, this is not the reason I split with their Dad. There were multiple other reasons bigger than this which had nothing to do with the children. Which, again, make me reluctant to have anything to do with H or the kids by extension (more than I need to with our DC's contact arrangements).
No? I’d have thought feeling absolutely no bond with his children would be a massive part of a relationship break down.
Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 14:11

@SplitStep

what were you being asked to do?

I'm honestly not repeating it again. I assume you can read? I even gave examples in the post you quoted!

Yes, you gave examples of what happens when you live with children. Did you really want to sit and do absolutely nothing for them while they were in your home?
Nanny0gg · 15/02/2022 14:12

@SplitStep

But what were your feelings towards the children before you moved in with their father?

The eldest has always been okay, I get on with them but we aren't super close. I actually spent quite a lot of time advocating for them with their parents when I thought they have unfairly favoured the younger.

The youngest was 2. I felt about them then the same I feel about any 2 year old of a friends I'd say. I don't see how people can't seem to grasp that you can feel differently about an older child who goes on to have challenging behaviour issues than when they were 2 years old.

Again this is not the sole or even main reason for me leaving. There were much bigger issues with me and H that were totally separate from anything to do with any of the children. This is just a part, one reason in with lots of other reasons, I didn't enjoy being a step parent (for the reasons I've stated).

I wouldn't want to be a step-parent either.

The reason I asked is I don't understand why anyone would move in with someone with children if you didn't at least really like them

AllOfUsAreDead · 15/02/2022 14:12

@Bonheurdupasse

You're very right to defend your space OP. I doubt I'm being cynical here as I'm imaging your ExH is missing the practical support you were giving him with his kids and wants to use you again.
This. Think he just wants you to deal with them rather than him having to. If he doesn't like looking after his kids, maybe he should keep it in his trousers or get a vasectomy. Hmm
whumpthereitis · 15/02/2022 14:12

Do you need to understand? The OP has been very clear about her relationship with these children and how she feels about them, what more do you actually need to know?

You can have as many ideals as to what the step-parenting relationship should be as you like, but what relevance that has to the OP and the situation she’s actually lived I don’t know.

TicTacHoh · 15/02/2022 14:14

@whumpthereitis

Do you need to understand? The OP has been very clear about her relationship with these children and how she feels about them, what more do you actually need to know?

You can have as many ideals as to what the step-parenting relationship should be as you like, but what relevance that has to the OP and the situation she’s actually lived I don’t know.

This. So many posters appear to be living in the dreamland of unicorns and roses. If that's your experience of step parenting, brilliant; it would be lovely for this to be the case for everyone, but sadly, it's not.
Dalooah · 15/02/2022 14:14

We found out with 1 and 2 and didn't tell anyone. DHs family are incapable of keeping anything to themselves and have a very strong opinion on which sex is 'better.' I also didn't want opinions on names etc. it was just easier.
Currently pregnant with number 3 and I found out at the scan but haven't told DH yet because he couldn't/wouldn't make it! Just a bit of a joke between us now!

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2022 14:15

From your last post I can see why there's no love lost. Mostly due to the behaviour of their parents.

However I still think you bear some responsibility (as does anyone) for getting into a relationship with someone with kids in the first place.

IamJob · 15/02/2022 14:15

@whumpthereitis

Do you need to understand? The OP has been very clear about her relationship with these children and how she feels about them, what more do you actually need to know?

You can have as many ideals as to what the step-parenting relationship should be as you like, but what relevance that has to the OP and the situation she’s actually lived I don’t know.

Agreed. @Pumperthepumper you just sound like you lack basic comprehension at this stage.

Pumper: So you’re saying the child was 2?
OP: yes the child was 2
Pumper: so seriously the child was 2

(Op bangs head off wall)

Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:15

Did you really want to sit and do absolutely nothing for them while they were in your home?

If you're going to be a complete bitch from the beginning and say it's nothing to do with me, not my children, don't want me involved blah blah blah then no, you don't get to later ask for my help when you've realised it would suit you quite well.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 15/02/2022 14:16

You know, I imagine she really liked her husband when she moved in with him too. However, circumstances and relationships change over time, often in ways we can’t anticipate.

Pumperthepumper · 15/02/2022 14:16

@SplitStep

Did you really want to sit and do absolutely nothing for them while they were in your home?

If you're going to be a complete bitch from the beginning and say it's nothing to do with me, not my children, don't want me involved blah blah blah then no, you don't get to later ask for my help when you've realised it would suit you quite well.

But you went along with it! You did it!
Original poster
SplitStep · 15/02/2022 14:16

Pumper: So you’re saying the child was 2?
OP: yes the child was 2
Pumper: so seriously the child was 2

I can't cope anymore with it. Literally don't know what else I can say to make it any clearer.

OP posts:
Brett239 · 15/02/2022 14:19

This seems extremely harsh but I'm sure you have your reasons and who are we to judge.

IamJob · 15/02/2022 14:19

@SplitStep

Pumper: So you’re saying the child was 2? OP: yes the child was 2 Pumper: so seriously the child was 2

I can't cope anymore with it. Literally don't know what else I can say to make it any clearer.

Maybe some kind of large diagram or drawing might help @Pumperthepumper out 😂
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