To not see them again?

[SplitStep]

Try to keep it short.

Was with stbeh for just under 6 years. We have one 2 year old together and he has a 8 and 11 year old from previous relationship. I left because I just wasn't happy with a few things in the relationship that never seemed to change. One of which was the step parenting relationship was too much for me, I didn't enjoy it and I regularly felt put upon.

Now living on my own with 2 yo and much happier.

My exH keeps asking if I'll see the kids (his kids). Like when he drops off 2yo can he bring them up to see our new place, hangout for a bit or whatever. He's suggested a few times that we do some days out with all the kids too.

I know it sounds selfish but I don't want this. I think it's just better for everyone that it's kept as clean as possible and we don't continue a relationship (me and his older DC). I don't really have any desire to and I think it will just be harder the more I agree to in respect of seeing them.

I want mine and 2yo's home to be ours, I don't want H or SC in it. I just want the space to ourselves.

[quote Sally872]@Pumperthepumper

The relationship work OPs husband has ended like many relationships. OP was willing to be step mum while with their dad but not now they have split that is perfectly reasonable. And while difficult initially probably less confusing in the longer term.[/quote]
I disagree. Being a huge part of a kids life (and choosing to take on that responsibility) should actually mean something to you, if you’re going to do it.

Maybe stepparenting would have meant more to her if she was in a happy relationship and her ex wasn’t a twat?

HE might have been ok for a while and that’s why op found stepparenting ok at first.

It’s so easy to become trapped in a relationship. She had a child with him because she thought that despite his bad qualities she would be lumbered with him for the rest of her life. Op finally got out. And good for her.

@Pumperthepumper

I think a more interesting question is; why take on someone else’s kids if you’re going to see them as a burden? Why let that drag on for six years, why introduce more children into the mix?

It’s perfectly valid to say: I couldn’t love someone else’s children, I couldn’t be a step parent (I’m firmly in that category). But to do it, for years, be part of their life for years, 50% of the time, and only then decide it’s not for you, is pretty poor. It’s also pretty poor to be forced into a household 50% of the time where the people supposed to be looking after you (age 2-8) think you’re a complete pain in the arse.

The kids in this scenario have been massively let down by their parents, but the OP isn’t innocent either. And I said, that’ll be her own kid one day, seen as a burden by their dad’s new girlfriend.

No one can see into the future, she tried for 6 years! Did she say she saw them as a burden in the beginning? She said things got bad as time went on. Her marriage ended for many reasons. Two being her ex is a nasty man and in her own home she was an outsider experiencing her SC’s challenging behaviour while the actual parents did nothing. What continue experiencing that??

It would be interesting to know what their mum thinks about the ex wanting the kids to spend time with OP. If she had always been horrid to you I’m sure she wouldn’t be happy sending her kids to you for visits??

@Pumperthepumper I agree that it should be important. But I don't think it is always best or practical to keep up that commitment after a split. Of course in some cases it works but doesn't mean you are obligated too. In the same way parent is not obligated to keep a relationship with kids/ex step parent if the kids aren't keen.

The kids in this scenario have been massively let down by their parents, but the OP isn’t innocent either.

Wrong. The OP has not let anyone down. She has no obligation to those children. That’s the parents role. She was forcibly kept at bay by the children’s mother.

I rather suspect you’d be laying into her for overstepping and telling her to get ‘back in her box’ if she’d put a thread up a couple of years ago saying: “my six year old stepson is behaving atrociously. His useless parents aren’t doing anything, what can I do?”

It seems, with so, just by the virtue of being a stepparent, sorry, a stepmother, you will never be able to win.

It seems, with so, just by the virtue of being a stepparent, sorry, a stepmother, you will never be able to win.

She’ll never be able to truly drop that title either if her ex is pushing her to do stuff with his children. Nobody can move on, including the children.

I mean, just how much is the op expected to do? Keep a bedroom for them because of course the contact schedule now means they must stay with her every 3rd weekend, take them on days out, have them round for tea every Wednesday, buy them Christmas presents, look after them for the parents during school holidays.

Wouldn’t surprise me.

@T00Ts

The kids in this scenario have been massively let down by their parents, but the OP isn’t innocent either.

Wrong. The OP has not let anyone down. She has no obligation to those children. That’s the parents role. She was forcibly kept at bay by the children’s mother.

I rather suspect you’d be laying into her for overstepping and telling her to get ‘back in her box’ if she’d put a thread up a couple of years ago saying: “my six year old stepson is behaving atrociously. His useless parents aren’t doing anything, what can I do?”

It seems, with so, just by the virtue of being a stepparent, sorry, a stepmother, you will never be able to win.

Win what?

If you get with someone who already has children, you’re signing up to be part of their life. If those children then live with you 50% of the time for six years you have a responsibility for them. You’re their stepPARENT.

The OP’s ex seems like a shit father, and if she has posted about her SS’s behaviour I absolutely would have said ‘it’s his parents’ responsibility to sort out’. But I’d be surprised someone got six years into that - and introduced another kid into the mix - without doing something about it. Like, leaving before a new kid comes along and/or you’ve been a massive part of their family and childhood.

If you get with someone who already has children, you’re signing up to be part of their life. If those children then live with you 50% of the time for six years you have a responsibility for them. You’re their stepPARENT

In your opinion.

I absolutely do not believe a step parent signs up FOR LIFE if their marriage breaks down.

You're a step parent for as long as you're married to their parent. Anything past that is personal choice depending on the relationships between everyone involved.

I don't believe I made a lifelong commitment to my exes kids (unless we remained married for life obviously).

But I’d be surprised someone got six years into that - and introduced another kid into the mix - without doing something about it. Like, leaving before a new kid comes along and/or you’ve been a massive part of their family and childhood.

As I've said. This is NOT the reason for our breakup. The only reason I mentioned the behaviour was by way of an explanation as to why I don't feel super close or attached to them. It is NOT THE REASON I LEFT THE RELATIONSHIP.

@SplitStep

If you get with someone who already has children, you’re signing up to be part of their life. If those children then live with you 50% of the time for six years you have a responsibility for them. You’re their stepPARENT

In your opinion.

I absolutely do not believe a step parent signs up FOR LIFE if their marriage breaks down.

You're a step parent for as long as you're married to their parent. Anything past that is personal choice depending on the relationships between everyone involved.

I don't believe I made a lifelong commitment to my exes kids (unless we remained married for life obviously).

Even though you helped raise them for six years in your own house?

Even though you helped raise them for six years in your own house?

I didn't help raise them. I was used for boring bits of parenting when it suited his ex/him and then told to butt out for anything else by their Mum. I did not raise them. As I've already said.

Children who have a Mum and Dad don't need someone else to "help raise them" imo. Obviously if that's what everyone wants it's fine. But I don't think it's standard whenever a step parent is involved.

@Sportslady44

dont you care that the stepchildren might miss you and also your child is their half sibling.

Their father can facilitate a relationship between them. That's his job.

@SplitStep

Even though you helped raise them for six years in your own house?

I didn't help raise them. I was used for boring bits of parenting when it suited his ex/him and then told to butt out for anything else by their Mum. I did not raise them. As I've already said.

And did nothing about it for six years. Six years of their childhood. How long into it did you see them as nothing to do with you?

@SplitStep

Children who have a Mum and Dad don't need someone else to "help raise them" imo. Obviously if that's what everyone wants it's fine. But I don't think it's standard whenever a step parent is involved.

Wasn’t one of them two years old when you got with their dad?

The OP’s ex seems like a shit father, and if she has posted about her SS’s behaviour I absolutely would have said ‘it’s his parents’ responsibility to sort out’. But I’d be surprised someone got six years into that - and introduced another kid into the mix - without doing something about it. Like, leaving before a new kid comes along and/or you’ve been a massive part of their family and childhood.

It’s easy to become trapped in a bad relationship. More women than you think have babies in these situations. She probably thought she was stuck with him forever. Maybe own child’s existence made her see her self worth? Maybe her child’s existence was the big reason to leave because he deserves a better life than that.
The stepchildren clearly brought none of that to her life.

@Pumperthepumper you’re letting your own judgement around stepparents cloud what has actually happened here.

Are you suggesting that children with separated parents collect ex-stepparents along the way, each with their own moral obligation to the child, according to the relationships of their parents? Do you really think that’s healthy? Or right?

The OP has made it very plain she was not included in the parenting of those children. She was excluded and now the relationship is over, she feels no need to see them again.

I’m not really sure what it is you think the OP should actually do here? Because it seems like you just fancy having a go because she’s a former stepmother.

Wasn’t one of them two years old when you got with their dad?

How is that relevant? Unless you think men need their hand holding and need help looking after their 2 year old child.

@funinthesun19

The OP’s ex seems like a shit father, and if she has posted about her SS’s behaviour I absolutely would have said ‘it’s his parents’ responsibility to sort out’. But I’d be surprised someone got six years into that - and introduced another kid into the mix - without doing something about it. Like, leaving before a new kid comes along and/or you’ve been a massive part of their family and childhood.

It’s easy to become trapped in a bad relationship. More women than you think have babies in these situations. She probably thought she was stuck with him forever. Maybe own child’s existence made her see her self worth? Maybe her child’s existence was the big reason to leave because he deserves a better life than that.
The stepchildren clearly brought none of that to her life.

None of that negates the responsibility she had to her step children.

I’m sympathetic to a shit relationship, to an unwanted pregnancy, to being trapped. But the OP still signed up to being a stepparent, and if you’re going to do that, it should mean something.

@funinthesun19

Wasn’t one of them two years old when you got with their dad?

How is that relevant? Unless you think men need their hand holding and need help looking after their 2 year old child.

I’m saying it’s very unlikely you’d take on a relationship with the father of a 2 year old who lived with you for 50% of the time and never think you’d play a part in how he was raised.

But the OP still signed up to being a stepparent, and if you’re going to do that, it should mean something.

In the right circumstances, stepparenting will mean a lot. These were not the right circumstances.

Very harsh OP. You may not want any step parent responsibility and that's understandable.
However, what I find harsh is your lack of any consideration for anyone but your own feelings and wants.
Your child has a right to a develop a sibling relationship, as do their step siblings. Consider that carefully.
Whether you felt it or not you have disappeared from children's lives without a backward glance.
Harsh

I’m saying it’s very unlikely you’d take on a relationship with the father of a 2 year old who lived with you for 50% of the time and never think you’d play a part in how he was raised.

You’d do the odd bit maybe. But at that age I’d fully expect the father to be doing the absolute majority of it.

Wasn’t one of them two years old when you got with their dad?

What's your point? Their age isn't relevant really as to whether I raised them or not. As I've said, at the start their Mum made it very clear they weren't my children and would have a fit if I tried to do anything with them.

That only slightly changed when she wanted help with stuff but my H wasn't around so I was good enough then but not for anything else.

So yes, I do see them as nothing much to do with me. That's what I've been told multiple times!

Your child has a right to a develop a sibling relationship, as do their step siblings

Why would they not be able to develop a sibling relationship? They do have a Dad you know... One they happen to all share!