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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - MIL intrusive or helpful?

149 replies

Calamityjane1987 · 14/02/2022 11:55

PIL came to stay this weekend. Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born. Trying to rebuild a relationship but it remains tense.

I was at work on Saturday. DH and FIL went for a walk with LOs in the morning and left MIL at home. I came back home from work late and found our bed had been made, all clothes folded, dirty laundry (including my underwear) put in wash basket and small collection of rubbish she’d found on her tidy in a pile on the dresser. Told DH I was a bit taken aback by it and uncomfortable. He was defensive and all ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being. She did a nice thing’.

I see my bedroom as my private place. I left for work at 6am that morning and due to children being asleep and wanting to make minimal noise/not putting lights on, had left my pjs and underwear crumpled on floor. I feel utterly mortified that as our house was empty she was in our bedroom. Would she have gone in our bedside drawers? I also feel like it’s a judgement on me and admittedly our bedroom is the least tidy room in the house.

I haven’t said anything and don’t intend to. I can see she was likely just doing a nice thing, but it just feels strange and I’m surprised she could think it’s ok given how tense our relationship is anyway. Tell me I’m being an uptight cow so I don’t throttle DH on Valentine’s Day for saying I’m ungrateful.

OP posts:
JustWonderingIfYou · 14/02/2022 11:57

I would hate that. It's a gross invasion of your privacy. You're an adult.

I would have to say something else I wouldn't trust her in the house alone.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 11:58

Imo she is saying she has no respect for you whatsoever.. My ex mil did our ironing.. Afaik she never went into our bedroom.. And there was openly no love lost between us.. Your dh is a sap...

NameChangeCity123 · 14/02/2022 11:58

Wow😳 regardless of her intentions, I think this is hugely inappropriate. I would honestly be mortified, annoyed and feel as though my private space had been violated. I appreciate she thought she was doing a nice thing but maybe that could have been making a meal or hoovering for example- something you would (probably) appreciate but doesn't involve her going into anywhere you probably wouldn't want her to. Not a MiL thing either, I would feel the same if it was my own mum

Stillfunny · 14/02/2022 12:02

Choose your battles. She probably thought she was doing a helpful thing. Remember she also thinks of it as DH bedroom and maybe never thought that you would be uncomfortable. It won't be a regular thing if they infrequently visit . Hell ,I would leave a pile of ironing for her if she wants to help.

FawnFrenchieMum · 14/02/2022 12:02

That would have really annoyed me, my bedroom is my private space. I wouldn't want anyone picking up my underwear from the floor! I would have to say something. I appreciate you were being nice / helpful but please don't go in our room again.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2022 12:07

No I wouldn't fancy someone in my bedroom like that

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 12:08

YANBU. Count yourself lucky that yours don't sigh when you say you can't find your slippers as "oh my feet are going to be cold now I'm having to take them off, I didn't bring my own". 🤢 It wasn't even an overnight stay, just a daytime visit!

GabriellaMontez · 14/02/2022 12:20

Deliberate invasion of privacy. Nosy cow.

WhiteXmas21 · 14/02/2022 12:33

I would hate it, but I would try to convince myself she meant to help.
Only you can really know if that’s the case.

I wouldn’t say anything , but next time she visited, I would be sure to tell her it wasn’t necessary.

If on the other hand she made any judge-y comments, I would be telling her I judge nosy cows too….

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 12:36

Next time dh tries to instigate sex tell him knowing his dm has been in your bedroom has put you off...

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2022 12:37

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Next time dh tries to instigate sex tell him knowing his dm has been in your bedroom has put you off...
wtf? I don't think use sex as a blackmailing tool is the way to go about it.
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 12:39

He needs to know how seriously you have taken this op.

SamphiretheStickerist · 14/02/2022 12:40

@Stillfunny

Choose your battles. She probably thought she was doing a helpful thing. Remember she also thinks of it as DH bedroom and maybe never thought that you would be uncomfortable. It won't be a regular thing if they infrequently visit . Hell ,I would leave a pile of ironing for her if she wants to help.
This... and t his is the battle I would choose too.

Not in my bedroom, that' my parivate space. Not picking up my dirty clothes as though she were my mother and I was a small child. NO!

And yes to stelling him that the next time he wants sex he's going to be out of luck because you need time to relax back into your own bedroom again. And given your already tense relationship he doesn't get to veto your feelings on this! Presumably he has done little to rectify the tenseness between you, expects you to put up with her 'litttle foibles' because he does... has been trained to!

Rainbows89 · 14/02/2022 12:41

I would hate this.

Rainbows89 · 14/02/2022 12:42

You wouldn’t dream of doing the same to her!

Penvelopey · 14/02/2022 12:43

I'd be livid

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 14/02/2022 12:47

Why on earth did she go into your bedroom? She had no business being in there other than to go through your things. I would be very unhappy about this.

Penvelopey · 14/02/2022 12:47

It's a bit creepy. Or like she sees you as children

BobHadBitchTits · 14/02/2022 12:49

I would hate this.

My husband bought an emergency deodorant in an airport once. It was a roll on, which he doesn't usually use, but it had to fit in with the rules. He brought it home and never used it again. It was just left in a cupboard.

My MIL then bought him a 3/4 of these deodorants (she buys everything in bulk!). It made me feel so uncomfortable as how did she see that he had that one? She must have been snooping and saw.

user1497787065 · 14/02/2022 12:53

A definite overstep of the mark but hopefully what was done was with the best of intentions.

SaborDeSoledad · 14/02/2022 12:54

I'd be fuming. Complete lack of respect for boundaries under the guise of being nice. Yes,my MIL has done that!

Buy a big, realistic-looking sex toy and stick it in a drawer next time you go out with her at home. She won't try it again! 😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2022 12:56

I’d hate that. It’s really crossing a normal boundary and she did it deliberately.

Are the tensions with PIL usually caused or exacerbated by DH’s lack of boundaries or awareness of your feelings?

BluebellCockleshell123 · 14/02/2022 12:58

That is totally over bearing behaviour and I’m not surprised you are feeling upset about it. I wouldn’t invade my teenage son’s privacy and clean his bedroom without asking…never mind doing it when he’s married and invading his wife’s space as well!

Cheeseonpost · 14/02/2022 13:01

My view on this always depends on whether you’d be this pissed off if it was your mother doing it.

If yes, then you’re a bit ott but not unreasonable

If no then you need to take a step back and evaluate why you feel this way, and would definitely be unreasonable

My mum always comes over and cleans, one of the main reasons I love having her to stay tbh.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 14/02/2022 13:06

Its not something I would do, however id be over the moon if someone did this while i was out at work!