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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL intrusive or helpful?

149 replies

Calamityjane1987 · 14/02/2022 11:55

PIL came to stay this weekend. Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born. Trying to rebuild a relationship but it remains tense.

I was at work on Saturday. DH and FIL went for a walk with LOs in the morning and left MIL at home. I came back home from work late and found our bed had been made, all clothes folded, dirty laundry (including my underwear) put in wash basket and small collection of rubbish she’d found on her tidy in a pile on the dresser. Told DH I was a bit taken aback by it and uncomfortable. He was defensive and all ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being. She did a nice thing’.

I see my bedroom as my private place. I left for work at 6am that morning and due to children being asleep and wanting to make minimal noise/not putting lights on, had left my pjs and underwear crumpled on floor. I feel utterly mortified that as our house was empty she was in our bedroom. Would she have gone in our bedside drawers? I also feel like it’s a judgement on me and admittedly our bedroom is the least tidy room in the house.

I haven’t said anything and don’t intend to. I can see she was likely just doing a nice thing, but it just feels strange and I’m surprised she could think it’s ok given how tense our relationship is anyway. Tell me I’m being an uptight cow so I don’t throttle DH on Valentine’s Day for saying I’m ungrateful.

OP posts:

CrazyCatLover · 14/02/2022 17:47

Nope she’s an interfering horrible busy body. Do not leave her in your house unattended again.

AhNowTed · 14/02/2022 17:50

Honestly this wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

She's more than welcome to do the whole house.

Surgarblossom · 14/02/2022 18:00

I would be livid. She is a cow, she knows exactly what she was doing. Making out to her son that she is being helpful at the same time highlighting that you have left the place untidy, she knew it would upset you. My toxic MIL would do the same thing and my DH would make out that it's me with the problem as " my mum was just being helpful"

WaitingToExhale · 14/02/2022 18:05

When I broke my ankle (and a new born baby) my pil came over to help with the baby. Mil rearranged all the cupboards in my kitchen! The. Took a load of laundry home without me seeing and brought it over the next day. Yes that included my big ol' maternity knickers! I felt so uncomfortable but my hubby said that's what mums do.

HAF1119 · 14/02/2022 18:17

I'd be happy with the household help, not so much the underwear/entering bedroom

I would comment in a kind way personally

'Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it, can you do me a favour and not go in our room in future, I'm a bit embarrassed you've seen my smalls! Wherever else is fine! Thanks again!

Then let her scrub whatever

But then I would sort of love to come back to stuff being done haha part of me would even take the invasion of privacy just to have some chores done unpaid haha!

Whatthebarnacles · 14/02/2022 18:25

This exact thing has happened to me 🤣 ... except my dirty washing, including underwear, had been washed - dried - IRONED - and put in a lovely pile on my (courtesy of her) freshly changed bed.

I was dying of shame and DH said she was just trying to be nice and helpful. I told him it had better never happen again... and it didn't. So, I can imagine your DH will be having a quiet word but not wanting to make a big thing of it as he "gets" where she came from.

I feel your mortification though 🤣💐

Blossomtoes · 14/02/2022 18:26

@WaitingToExhale

No good deed goes unpunished.

Munchyseeds · 14/02/2022 18:40

I think tidying anywhere BUT our bedroom would be ok

Original poster

Calamityjane1987 · 14/02/2022 18:46

@Munchyseeds exactly that. We own a hoover and carpets, windows with children’s greasy fingerprints on and a kitchen floor that is forever needing a mop. There were so many things she could have done that wouldn’t have felt intrusive. So why do the one controversial thing? I wouldn’t dream of setting foot in her bedroom and she would certainly be taken aback if I did.

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 14/02/2022 18:48

I would hate this. I’m a very private person and I’d find this awfully intrusive.

SkiingIsHeaven · 14/02/2022 19:13

My MIL did it once. DH told her that we understood that she was trying to help but that we didn't want it to happen again.

I did have to ask him to do that. He thought it was nice of her but understood how I felt.

She was fine with that.

Mrsmch123 · 14/02/2022 19:23

I hate when people come in to my house at start tidying things up. I mean it's never really messy but if the babies bottles are still to be cleaned or there is breakfast dishes in the sink i hate when people start touching stuff. The bedroom would blow my mind for sure! I guess it would also depend on if you would be happy with your mum doing that stuff?

SaborDeSoledad · 14/02/2022 19:42

@WaitingToExhale that has just reminded me of when I had my second child and went into labour very suddenly, and quickly. The clothes I was wearing were rather dirty for obvious reasons and I asked my mum to wash/dispose of them while I was in hospital as appropriate, which she agreed to do. MIL washed them on the sly which looks like it was a nice thing to do, BUT was more about her looking good than anything else especially as I'd asked my own mum to do it. It was more of a case of getting one up on my mum rather than doing anything useful for me, if that makes sense. She wasn't at all interested in doing any other bits of washing around the place.

My point being, if you feel it's overstepping and doesn't feel right, trust your instincts!

Heartofglass12345 · 14/02/2022 19:53

My MIL did this when I was in labour with my 2nd, I don't think she did washing but she put clean washing away. I was only in hospital for a day and she knew we wouldn't be coming home with the baby as he was premature. Just odd in my opinion. It wasn't needed. But it's makes you feel ungrateful for thinking that then doesn't it?

Tomeeornottomee · 14/02/2022 19:55

YANBU my bedroom is off limits to everyone, except DH. My mum, my MIL, my kids (both adult with their own homes) they can go anywhere else they like in my home. But my bedroom is my sanctuary. Even DH knocks before he comes in (separate rooms due to my insomnia and his chronic illness) I would have been rageful.

HelloDulling · 14/02/2022 20:09

Why didn’t she go on the walk with them? She clearly saw her opportunity and seized it. Chance to have a good rummage, and make some kind of point about your housekeeping to boot.

diddl · 15/02/2022 08:10

@HelloDulling

Why didn’t she go on the walk with them? She clearly saw her opportunity and seized it. Chance to have a good rummage, and make some kind of point about your housekeeping to boot.

I can't help agreeing with this.

I mean if she wanted to be helpful-making a bed, folding clothes & picking up a bit of laundry-5mins tops-doesn't really cut it does it?

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/02/2022 10:08

It seems to me that whether you would want/put up with your mother doing something doesn't have a lot to do with whether you'd want or put up with your mother-in-law doing the same thing. They are not the same person, and they do not have the same relationship with you.

Original poster

Calamityjane1987 · 15/02/2022 12:09

I know my mum wouldn’t snoop in places she shouldn’t. And if she did snoop she wouldn’t find anything particularly embarrassing for DH. However, I don’t trust my MIL not to snoop and if she did she would find things embarrassing for me (lacy underwear, for example. My DH doesn’t own thongs and things to get shy about). Therefore it’s completely different in my eyes. DH will obliviously leave our bedroom door wide open for all and sundry to nosey at, whereas I feel much more private about it. It’s totally different.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 15/02/2022 12:33

Sorry but I think you're being weird. Why is your bedroom a 'private' space? Why are you embarrassed about owning underwear? I really couldn't give a fuck who saw inside my bedroom, it's just another room in my house. Everyone has one! just because women's knickers tend to be frilly and men's don't, doesn't make them embarrassing. This sounds a lot more like your issues than hers. I'd just be pleased I didn't have to do my own cleaning and laundry

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/02/2022 14:19

So someone you don't much like or trust comes into your house and while she is on her own in it fossicks about among your underwear and other possessions you don't keep in rooms which are open to everyone at all times, and you are fine with that.

I think you are well weird, as well as without any understanding of boundaries.

2Gen · 15/02/2022 15:01

YANBU, it's an invasion of privacy and totally inappropriate to go into another adult's bedroom and start rooting around, especially when one is a guest in their home! I would hate it!
Bang out of order! Your DH should be having words with her but if he won't, perhaps you could do soemthing along the lines fo thanking her for her help but you like to do your own bedroom yourself as it's your private space so would she please leave it to you in future! All said nicely and politely of course! Her reaction will be very telling but if you're firm but nice, it'll be hard for her to make you the villain! One of the things I have noticed about Irish houses is all doors tend have key-locks on them so if you have guests, you can keep your own bedroom locked at all times and keep any nosy feckers out, lol! See if you get one for your bedroom door; that'd put a stop to it once and for all! Good luck OP!

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2022 15:17

And it may shock you, but everyone is not you! Do what you want in your own bedroom and home, feel what you want about your own bedroom and home, but for many people commenting (very few thought this was ok) it does matter to them especially when it is someone you don’t like or trust.

Are you one of those people who would be going into people’s bedrooms because you don’t feel it’s a private space? Would you feel entitled to go into their bedroom because your belief trumps their comfort and how they feel about places in their own home? It’s not her home and it’s pretty rude to go into people’s bedrooms without their permission.

2Gen · 15/02/2022 15:25

@cultkid

I see my MIL as another mother most of the time not as someone I hate

since the majority of you said you would be insulted hurt feel invaded etc.. would you mind if a friend did this for you or would you hate it too? I'm so surprised by these answers

I would consider it a breach of boundaries if a friend did it without my knowledge and permission, which I would not give as I would not want it. I don't even do this in my son's bedroom now he's a young adult- he insists on doing it himself, and, whilst he may not do it to my standards, I respect the boundary he has set and TBH he didn't have to say much at all to me, I'm not an intrusive person. My own mother was very intrusive and allowed me no privacy at all growing up and even breached boundaries when I was a young adult when I would be merely visiting, so I make a point of always respecting other's privacy, especially their own bedrooms. The only time it would be acceptable is if one were very sick or injured and unable to do it oneself, and then only with one's expressed permission. and by someone one feels very comfortable with and can trust. If you don't mind your MIL going through your private space that's fine for you, but not everyone is. Some people are more private than others and we have a right to regard our own bedrooms as part of that privacy and be upset and angry if that privacy is so disregarded because to people like us, it IS an invasion!

Horst · 15/02/2022 15:54

Yeah I don’t want my in laws or my own parents in my bedroom. Don’t really want my children in there but the youngest is five so she just barges in like a bailiff

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