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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL intrusive or helpful?

149 replies

Calamityjane1987 · 14/02/2022 11:55

PIL came to stay this weekend. Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born. Trying to rebuild a relationship but it remains tense.

I was at work on Saturday. DH and FIL went for a walk with LOs in the morning and left MIL at home. I came back home from work late and found our bed had been made, all clothes folded, dirty laundry (including my underwear) put in wash basket and small collection of rubbish she’d found on her tidy in a pile on the dresser. Told DH I was a bit taken aback by it and uncomfortable. He was defensive and all ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being. She did a nice thing’.

I see my bedroom as my private place. I left for work at 6am that morning and due to children being asleep and wanting to make minimal noise/not putting lights on, had left my pjs and underwear crumpled on floor. I feel utterly mortified that as our house was empty she was in our bedroom. Would she have gone in our bedside drawers? I also feel like it’s a judgement on me and admittedly our bedroom is the least tidy room in the house.

I haven’t said anything and don’t intend to. I can see she was likely just doing a nice thing, but it just feels strange and I’m surprised she could think it’s ok given how tense our relationship is anyway. Tell me I’m being an uptight cow so I don’t throttle DH on Valentine’s Day for saying I’m ungrateful.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 14/02/2022 13:08

YANBU.

I wouldn’t even do that for people I like unless they directly asked me to help them or I offered to help because they were noticeably struggling and I knew they wouldn’t ask for help without prompting.

Pr1mr0se · 14/02/2022 13:09

She has good intentions surely? Just thank her and set some boundaries e.g. I consider my bedroom my private space.

Suzanne999 · 14/02/2022 13:10

MIL crossed a line. I used to clean DDs house once a week when she & DH were working long hours but only the ground floor and stairs. I’d never have gone into their bedroom or their bathroom.

MischievousBiscuits · 14/02/2022 13:13

Totally get it. The bedroom is your private space.
Things like giving the kitchen a clean/running the hoover round/cooking a nice meal for everyone can be kind and helpful while you're working, but going into the bedroom is crossing a line. I don't agree with PP saying to use this as a blackmailing tool next time he wants sex, but explain clearly to him why you're not happy and have him speak with his mum about it is what I would do.

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:16

I wouldn't mind I would be really grateful
My MIL can hurt my feelings at times but on the whole I treasure the peace in our family and the support she gives me
We have had issues over the years serious issues with the way she raised my husband and also money and family businesses but honestly I wouldn't mind and she has historically and I'm sure she will continue to help with tidying my home and doing my laundry etc

In fact she took bags of it to her home and did it for me when I was sick. She's rubbed my back when it hurt and sat on my bed whilst I cried.

Your MIL has done this to give you a hand whilst you're at work as she probably felt bad that you were working and her son hadn't done the jobs in the bedroom

Most people have good intentions try to see it that way but I also understand it feels intimate xx

Folklore9074 · 14/02/2022 13:17

It's certainly an overstep but before you say anything decide if this is the hill you want to die on. She probably felt she was being help and making good use of a bit of time she had on her own in your house. If it ever comes up again you could say that she doesn't need to venture into your bedroom but to be honest unless its a regular thing or something she brings up in some way I'd let it go.

itwasntaparty · 14/02/2022 13:17

Mil has form for this. She had a spare key and would come in and change our beds, do laundry etc. She thought she was helping but it royally fucked me off and I took the key back in the end.

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:19

I see my MIL as another mother most of the time not as someone I hate

since the majority of you said you would be insulted hurt feel invaded etc.. would you mind if a friend did this for you or would you hate it too? I'm so surprised by these answers

Hopingdb2 · 14/02/2022 13:21

I would hate my mum doing this never mind my MIL even though she would just nosey she wouldn't tidy up. When she comes round she always conveniently needs the toilet she lives 5 mins away so why not go before coming? Its Purley to snoop I have to time it from when she flushes the toilet to coming back downstairs because I know she is in my bedroom. So ill usually go upstairs and wait on the landing so she can't enter my bedroom The reason I know this is because once she said that's a good price on socks isn't it? The said pack of socks were in a drawer in my bedroom!! DH won't say anything to her, if I say something I'm the b*h nip it in the bud now OP!

itwasntaparty · 14/02/2022 13:22

@cultkid

I see my MIL as another mother most of the time not as someone I hate

since the majority of you said you would be insulted hurt feel invaded etc.. would you mind if a friend did this for you or would you hate it too? I'm so surprised by these answers

Mine would take the bedding away and wash it. If I bled on the sheets I'd have to call her and ask for it back. It was too much. I also don't need her washing underwear.

The first thing my Mum does when she walks into my house is start cleaning. It's insulting. We have a cleaner, we clean, but it's not to her 'standards'.

Blossomtoes · 14/02/2022 13:26

It’s awful. I’d never dream of going into our adult kids’ bedrooms any more than they’d go into ours.

MulticolourTulips · 14/02/2022 13:27

I feed my son's cats whe he and his wife go away. They often leave last minute plates and pots around which I tidy up and they always say thank you. I would not set foot in their bedroom. Yanbu

ESGdance · 14/02/2022 13:28

@cultkid

I see my MIL as another mother most of the time not as someone I hate

since the majority of you said you would be insulted hurt feel invaded etc.. would you mind if a friend did this for you or would you hate it too? I'm so surprised by these answers

Yes I would.

Do you routinely go into a friends bedroom when you are alone in their home and “tidy up”

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:31

Mine has washed my sheets for me when I have been sick in them, even.
She washed my knickers for me when she took my laundry. She has washed my knickers after I've given birth. She has been so kind to me.

she's also over stepped the line at times and made me uncomfortable but honestly I couldn't thank her enough for the love she has shown me. She treats me like a daughter. when she is frail I will gladly wash her bedding and her knickers for her, offering her the dignity that she has offered me

My own mom is extremely anal and tidy and has made me very uncomfortable at times when she comes here to visit and does chores but as a mother myself I know it comes from the best possible place, Love.

I wonder if you would do these things for your own children when they are adults? Would you help your son? Would you help your daughters?

Would you do the same for a daughter in law? Imagine if your daughter in law followed you to the toilet or actually thought you had deliberately asked to use the toilet instead of going at home? I have gone over to my mother in laws house and have a shower when we had no bathroom etc. I wouldn't have thought she thought I was being nosy.

It's interesting this thread I'm honestly not being goady I'm just shocked at how many people are so so private and also resentful of their MIL

You can see from my posting history we have a hard history with my husbands family but on the whole I'm so glad to have her round the corner since my parents don't live close by

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:33

@ESGdance yes I would go round and help them tidy whilst I was there or if they were poorly I would give them a hand with their washing

My friends have washed my hair when I'm sick and laid on my bed with me whilst I've cried and been in utter despair

When I've had friends who have just had a baby I routinely help with jobs in their homes. They are glad for the support just as I am too

saraclara · 14/02/2022 13:34

I would never go into my own adult DD's bedrooms. Once, when she was away, (I have keys to her house) my eldest DD asked me to go and check something in the bedroom. Even though she'd asked me to go in, I felt uncomfortable doing so.

Hopingdb2 · 14/02/2022 13:37

@cultkid I assume part of that was based on my comment re Mil toilet

She comes she uses the toilet and then there is creaking on the landing and far too much time from using the toilet and coming back down stairs plus she openly admitted it by her comments on the price of socks in my drawer in my bedroom. So now I have no choice but to wait upstairs as my DH won't tell her and I am a b*h If I do. Im glad you don't experience this and I dont with anyone else just her. She's a very hard faced nosey woman

Blossomtoes · 14/02/2022 13:39

[quote Hopingdb2]@cultkid I assume part of that was based on my comment re Mil toilet

She comes she uses the toilet and then there is creaking on the landing and far too much time from using the toilet and coming back down stairs plus she openly admitted it by her comments on the price of socks in my drawer in my bedroom. So now I have no choice but to wait upstairs as my DH won't tell her and I am a b*h If I do. Im glad you don't experience this and I dont with anyone else just her. She's a very hard faced nosey woman[/quote]
I’d let her crack on and put a mousetrap in a drawer.

Alrightqueenie · 14/02/2022 13:39

It's one thing washing the dishes and sorting the laundry downstairs and I'd be happy begging anyone to do this. I wouldn't go into someone's bedroom and sort their stuff out unless they asked me. However, your MIL sounds like my mum and if she sees something needs doing then she'll sort it. You wouldn't need to ask her, she'd think she's saving you a job for later. So I'd let it go this once, thank her but lightheartedly say that she's a guest in your home and your mortified she's cleaning for you. Then style it out and hopefully she'll get the message.

Sportslady44 · 14/02/2022 13:42

fgs sake somebody does something nice and they get slated!!
MILs cant win.

She was trying to help you.

Hopingdb2 · 14/02/2022 13:42

@Blossomtoes haha I was tempted to write a note saying stat out nosey cow haha because I get sick of it. I dont like doing it but I also don't like anyone in my bedroom ive nothing to hide its the principle why go in my drawers? What is she looking for? It's just invasion of privacy. I dont need to do it with anyone else. She also opens all of my kitchen cupboards and has a nosey its very strange behaviour.

bitchinofhitchen · 14/02/2022 13:42

I would hate this. I'd hate anyone else picking up my dirty underwear. I'd feel like my privacy had been invaded.

bitchinofhitchen · 14/02/2022 13:43

My MIL wouldn't understand why I'd hate it though. She's all for grou king she's 'helping' even when she's told not to

MummKnowsBest · 14/02/2022 13:44

She is an an old busybody who sees you as her rival.

Your DH doesn’t see the problem, so:

  1. Put a lock on your bedroom door for the next time she visits.
2.Ideally take time off work so she’s never alone in the house.
  1. If she’s the type that can’t sit still, line up a load of s*it jobs for her to do.

‘Ooh Mildred darling you’re such a treasure, (you coo), I can’t believe how quickly you’ve hemmed 17 pairs of trousers, replaced 45 buttons and ironed on 5 million name tapes. Are you ready for another pile of ironing whilst I see to dinner? (re-attach myself to the gin drip).’

WishIwasElsa · 14/02/2022 13:45

I wouldn't like this luckily my not mil lives a few hours away and when she does. Is it she barely gets off the sofa 😂 I also wouldn't like either my dm or mil to be in my bedroom as it's a private space. However I think it's not fair to suggest op is unreasonable should she be happy with her dm and unhappy with her dmil to me they are not comparable relationships and its all down to individual choice.