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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL intrusive or helpful?

149 replies

Calamityjane1987 · 14/02/2022 11:55

PIL came to stay this weekend. Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born. Trying to rebuild a relationship but it remains tense.

I was at work on Saturday. DH and FIL went for a walk with LOs in the morning and left MIL at home. I came back home from work late and found our bed had been made, all clothes folded, dirty laundry (including my underwear) put in wash basket and small collection of rubbish she’d found on her tidy in a pile on the dresser. Told DH I was a bit taken aback by it and uncomfortable. He was defensive and all ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being. She did a nice thing’.

I see my bedroom as my private place. I left for work at 6am that morning and due to children being asleep and wanting to make minimal noise/not putting lights on, had left my pjs and underwear crumpled on floor. I feel utterly mortified that as our house was empty she was in our bedroom. Would she have gone in our bedside drawers? I also feel like it’s a judgement on me and admittedly our bedroom is the least tidy room in the house.

I haven’t said anything and don’t intend to. I can see she was likely just doing a nice thing, but it just feels strange and I’m surprised she could think it’s ok given how tense our relationship is anyway. Tell me I’m being an uptight cow so I don’t throttle DH on Valentine’s Day for saying I’m ungrateful.

OP posts:

PeeAche · 14/02/2022 13:46

Can't vote on my phone but YANBU. It's a private space.

My ex MIL had boundary issues like this too. It wasn't a case of snooping, she just didn't actually understand it one bit. She just thought of it as her little boy's bedroom.

It needs to be explained to her but it doesn't have to be a big deal. Next time a situation arises where she may find herself straying into your private space, just say "and please don't go into our bedroom" (with friendly smile)

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:49

Listen my MIL is far from perfect

She let herself into my home when I was on the toilet trying to do a poo after I had an operation

My son was asleep finally
I was hideously constipated literally with a glycerin suppository in my bum and little pebble poos I was desp trying not to have to use my hands to get out 😩😭😭 I was with a bowl on my lap because I was retching and nauseas

And my MIL Legit wanted me to let her into the bathroom to see me because she was "so worried about me and wanted to see me after my operation"

Honestly I was SO cross but I know she genuinely meant it from a good place
I obviously didn't let her in

Yes it is nosy of your MIL to poke in your drawers and weird I don't argue with that bit, so I take back my comment about waiting for her to use the toilet whilst you're upstairs. It sounds like the Ops MIL was genuinely trying to help though doesn't it

Hopingdb2 · 14/02/2022 13:53

@cultkid let me clear this up i don't stand outside the door when she's on toilet haha I potter about you know "folding sheets" in and out of bedrooms just so she gets the hint not to snoop. If I don't she will literally snoop and not just a quick head pop around the door. Your MIl sounds quite loving tbh mine is not at all shes a witch. I agree OP Mil could have been trying to be nice but I get why she feels invaded

ESGdance · 14/02/2022 13:53

[quote cultkid]@ESGdance yes I would go round and help them tidy whilst I was there or if they were poorly I would give them a hand with their washing

My friends have washed my hair when I'm sick and laid on my bed with me whilst I've cried and been in utter despair

When I've had friends who have just had a baby I routinely help with jobs in their homes. They are glad for the support just as I am too [/quote]
That’s not the situation I described or the OP experienced in any shape or form though is it?

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 14/02/2022 13:56

I would go crazy at this. It could have been well intentioned but equally could have been a deliberate effort to denigrate and exert her authority over you. Perhaps consider getting a lock for your bedroom door or next time they visit put a sign that reads “private” and put it over the door handle. Failing that leave something embarrassing out such as a vibrator. Childish I know but it would get the point across

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:57

@ESGdance I would say working on the weekend is mega shit and warrants some extra help, actually. She probably felt guilty that her DIL was working on a Saturday whilst her son was hanging out with his parents.

I would hate to work on the weekend and the least I would expect is to come home to a tidy home after a long day at work

So my MIL tidying up whilst I was working on the weekend is actually like giving a hand to a busy, tired or sick friend.

bananaboats · 14/02/2022 13:59

I would not like this at all but I suppose my reaction would depend if she has form for this kind of thing and would respect your boundaries if you told her it was out of order. To the point some others have made I would not be comfortable with my own mother or anyone else doing this either.

cultkid · 14/02/2022 13:59

@Hopingdb2 yes my MIL was asking repeatedly to be let in she was insane I was soo insulted and creeped out I remember crying

I can see that she meant it in a good way though!!

Honestly families are such hard work aren't they? I wouldn't like it if My MiL poked in my drawers but she's welcome to put away my laundry 😬😬

Pr1mr0se · 14/02/2022 13:59

Get a lock for your bedroom door. Talk to her (nicely) about how you feel about what she has done. If this doesn't improve things then try acting the same at her house, whilst a bit passive-aggressive it might get the message across that she's overstepped.

Rosehugger · 14/02/2022 14:00

Nice of them to help, but going into your private space is overstepping. I'd thank them for their help, but also have a chat about boundaries.

Hexagonmum · 14/02/2022 14:15

When I used to live at PILS my mil used to always come into our bedroom and "clean up" even though I already made the bed etc. She even once went into my cupboard and decided to give my clothes (the ones she didn't like) to charity!!!
I was so angry and confronted her as I couldn't find my fave top or jeans, first it was all denials but then she admitted what she done. I had to really reign in my anger and tell her never to touch my things again, a few months down the line it got so bad I literally had to lock our bedroom door before I went to work, it was such a shit atmosphere that she created, thank god we moved out as soon as we could. My DH was so embarrassed by her behaviour.

Threewheeler1 · 14/02/2022 14:27

Bedrooms are off-limits.
So invasive. If she absolutely has to tidy, why can't she do it in a shared space of the house?
I've had past experience of this and I felt so uncomfortable and angry, not bloody grateful. Going through dirty washing etc., it's so unnecessary when someone has been managing their own life as an adult for years! Even my own Mum wouldn't have done it if she was staying with us. Good luck OP, it's a tricky one to navigate but it's definitely up to your DH to put a stop to it. Shouldn't be left to you.

VivX · 14/02/2022 14:27

I would have found it invasive, too. Even though she probably meant it to be helpful.

diddl · 14/02/2022 14:30

Why was what she did a nice thing?

Oh, is that because it saved her son having to do any of it?

Dogscanteatonions · 14/02/2022 14:38

Totally inappropriate. Even if your dh doesn't see a problem with this he needs to understand that you do. I'd be saying ', thanks for doing that but please don't go in our bedroom again'

Crikey of my MIL went into our bedroom after this weekend when we had a drunken raunchy night she'd keel over 🤣🤣

ESGdance · 14/02/2022 14:40

“Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born.”

Just more of the same shit, different day.

There were no good intentions here to assume.

She was no doubt meeting her own needs to snoop, control and judge.

Your gut is right.

Build your boundaries higher and firmer.

Be assertive but calm.

I suspect she has form for turning or the waterworks or erupting so has the rest of her family on an invisible tight leash so as not to “upset” her.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 14/02/2022 14:45

I hate people being in my bedroom, whether it was my parents or PIL. My dad took major offence after I asked him not to go in to our room again after he follows our cats in!

His point was that he doesn't mind if I go in his room. Except I don't do that and really don't want to!!!

Snaketime · 14/02/2022 14:46

Tidying other rooms in the house fair enough, but my room is private. That is a massive over step. If you really don't want to cause drama, just politely say to your MIL 'thank you so much for tidying for me, I do appreciate it, but in future could you please stay out of my room as it makes me feel uncomfortable.' Then if she does it again kick off as she will have blatantly done it to spite you.

Pembertonrd · 14/02/2022 14:47

I am a mil.
I never touch my adult dc’s bedrooms.
I ask permission to borrow a hairdryer.

If I am in house on my own I will clean kitchen, bathroom and living room in a general way. I don’t go in dresser drawers etc.

Please tell your mil.
She may genuinely not think it’s wrong but it is.
Say, mil I am grateful for your help but please leave our bedroom to us. It’s our only private room.
If she’s offended she’ll get over it.

ESGdance · 14/02/2022 14:49

I think it is relevant that she chose to do this when your DH was out of the house and she was alone.

ChiefInspectorParker · 14/02/2022 14:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 14/02/2022 15:02

YANBU. Tidying, clearing, sorting, that’s fine. But not in your bedroom. That’s invasion of privacy. When I stay with family I help out, I mop, dishes, Hoover, tidy, clean bathroom. But I’d never dare go into a bedroom that I wasn’t staying in. Maybe just say “ thanks I really appreciate the help. But you don’t need to go into the bedroom though, I’d rather you just left that as is so I can sort that myself. Or get dh to tell her to wind her neck in!

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2022 15:10

I would allow this. My mil would not have dreamt of doing this, thank god. I’d be extremely upset if she had.

crosstalk · 14/02/2022 15:12

Just a lock on the door?. But easier said than done ... either it's a lock you can swivel which means an adult can get in, or an adult can lock themselves in, or a key lock which in your circumstances would mean your husband who got up later than you would have to remember. And another key to lose!.

I would just thank her for all her help but say you and DH would prefer she didn't go into your bedroom?

phoenixrosehere · 14/02/2022 15:27

*MILs cant win.

She was trying to help you.*

Help that neither her son or OP asked for more was there any reason for her to go in there. She could have kept the cleaning to the common areas. Considering her relationship with OP isn’t great, how would cleaning their bedroom help? You don’t go into places you don’t have permission to enter especially in someone’s house.

My DH doesn’t think anything of going into his parents’ bedroom but I feel uncomfortable and only go in there if one of our sons have gone in and I quickly take them out. My MIL doesn’t go in our bedroom and neither does my mum. None of our parents go into our bedroom because we have never said they could nor have they asked and if they did, it would be questioned why they need to in the first place.

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