Page 6 | AIBU - MIL intrusive or helpful?

Calamityjane1987 · 2022-02-14T11:55:15+00:00

PIL came to stay this weekend. Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born. Trying to rebuild a relationship but it remains tense. I was at work on Saturday. DH and FIL went for a walk with LOs in the morning and left MIL at home. I came back home from work late and found our bed had been made, all clothes folded, dirty laundry (including my underwear) put in wash basket and small collection of rubbish she’d found on her tidy in a pile on the dresser. Told DH I was a bit taken aback by it and uncomfortable. He was defensive and all ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being. She did a nice thing’. I see my bedroom as my private place. I left for work at 6am that morning and due to children being asleep and wanting to make minimal noise/not putting lights on, had left my pjs and underwear crumpled on floor. I feel utterly mortified that as our house was empty she was in our bedroom. Would she have gone in our bedside drawers? I also feel like it’s a judgement on me and admittedly our bedroom is the least tidy room in the house. I haven’t said anything and don’t intend to. I can see she was likely just doing a nice thing, but it just feels strange and I’m surprised she could think it’s ok given how tense our relationship is anyway. Tell me I’m being an uptight cow so I don’t throttle DH on Valentine’s Day for saying I’m ungrateful.

AKASammyScrounge · 15/02/2022 15:57

I'll take your MIL off your hands for a week or two...

TedMullins · 15/02/2022 16:24

she didn't go rooting about in your underwear drawer though did she, she picked up dirty pants off the floor. Fine, you don't like it, I just find the secrecy around bedrooms bizarre and it's not an attitude I've come across IRL.

2Gen · 15/02/2022 16:25

@TedMullins

Sorry but I think you're being weird. Why is your bedroom a 'private' space? Why are you embarrassed about owning underwear? I really couldn't give a fuck who saw inside my bedroom, it's just another room in my house. Everyone has one! just because women's knickers tend to be frilly and men's don't, doesn't make them embarrassing. This sounds a lot more like your issues than hers. I'd just be pleased I didn't have to do my own cleaning and laundry

Wow! This comment is so patronising and insulting to the OP I'm a bit shocked! For most normal people their bedroom IS their private space and you are bang out of order calling the OP and those of us who think so "weird" because of it!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/02/2022 16:27

Whereas I have never met anyone who would feel that someone barging into their bedroom without asking and during their absence from the house was anything but varying degrees of objectionable, depending how much they disliked the sort of person who barges into other people's space uninvited.

TedMullins · 15/02/2022 16:29

My opinion that it's weird to be embarrassed about owning underwear (and it is weird) is no less valid than your opinion that it's rude for her to have done you the favour of doing your washing because it necessitated entering your bedroom. Seriously, you've got issues if you think women's underwear is something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Women's bodies are not inherently sexual or shameful and I hope you're not passing this unhealthy attitude to your kids.

coodawoodashooda · 15/02/2022 16:31

So happy to be divorced. One of the few perks is getting rid of awful in laws.

Original poster

Calamityjane1987 · 15/02/2022 16:32

This is bizarre. Women’s bodies are nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. Women’s underwear can be sexual and not something I want my MIL involved with. That is separate to my body. It’s giving her an insight into my sex life with her son. Which isn’t something I want her to have insights on!

OP posts:

101jobs · 15/02/2022 16:33

I would be chuffed to bits and feel so grateful.

My MIL often did jobs for me before she fell ill. Made me love her even more

TedMullins · 15/02/2022 16:37

Unless you've missed out the bit where she found latex corsets and crotchless pants I'm not sure how underwear has anything to do with your sex life... many everyday knickers have lace and frills on? Do his boxers count as part of your sex life because he has to remove them for sex?

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 15/02/2022 16:58

@TedMullins

Unless you've missed out the bit where she found latex corsets and crotchless pants I'm not sure how underwear has anything to do with your sex life... many everyday knickers have lace and frills on? Do his boxers count as part of your sex life because he has to remove them for sex?

Other people's sex lives are none of her business. In articular, her son's sex life is not. Prying into his bedroom, shared with the wife he has sex with, is a perversion.

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2022 17:00

My opinion that it's weird to be embarrassed about owning underwear (and it is weird) is no less valid than your opinion that it's rude for her to have done you the favour of doing your washing because it necessitated entering your bedroom

A favour is something you ASK someone to do for you. It’s not a favour if you do something no one asked you to do and wanted you to do. If either her son or OP wanted help, they can ask or she could offer. MIL didn’t ask anyone if it was ok or offered when she chose to stay behind while others went out.

Horst · 15/02/2022 17:05

@TedMullins

Unless you've missed out the bit where she found latex corsets and crotchless pants I'm not sure how underwear has anything to do with your sex life... many everyday knickers have lace and frills on? Do his boxers count as part of your sex life because he has to remove them for sex?

My mil helpfully started to unpack my suitcase when we moved into our last house. She soon stopped. Last things packed where various outfits.

Oh erm err I’ll just leave this for you and went back to unpacking the kitchen. Did it heavily pregnant me a giggle that her own “helpfulness” led to her being embarrassed at what she found and she’s never tried to go near our room since.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 15/02/2022 18:30

@101jobs

I would be chuffed to bits and feel so grateful.

My MIL often did jobs for me before she fell ill. Made me love her even more

This doesn't read the same though if you read the detail. a) thats all she did, no other housework b) she deliberately waited until the house was empty

coodawoodashooda · 15/02/2022 19:37

She's made herself have power by being helpful and ever so innocently pushing boundaries. I have had this before. It just gets worse.

TolkiensFallow · 15/02/2022 19:43

I hate it when mil does this to her own spare room if we stay with her- I’d find it a huge invasion of privacy at my own home.

If I’m trying to be kind to your mil I would say that I doubt she was deliberately trying to invade your privacy though.

WellTidy · 15/02/2022 20:02

My mum would do (and has done, countless times) all of what you describe, OP, without asking. She sees what she would think of as things that need to be done, and would just do them, thinking that she was saving me a job, when she has time to help, and given that I have relatively little time. So she sees it as helping me out, so that I have more time to relax and do what I’d like to do.

My husband hates it but she isnt doing things that would fall to him (he does do other jobs) so it isn’t him that she is helping, it’s me.

I am used to it happening. She routinely comes (stays with us for a few days at a time, due to distance) and cleans the fridge, does the laundry, makes our bed (and the DC beds), gardens, spring cleans the kitchen cupboards, washes the front step etc.

On the whole, I am massively grateful. But sometimes, sometimes, it bothers me.

Onemorebaby · 15/02/2022 20:18

My own mum never picked clothes up off my bedroom floor to wash. Not since i was a child and my mil wouldn't have done when for dh when he lived at home. They would have made dinner and tidied the kitchen at most. It's odd that she didn't go and spend time with her son and grandchildren

billy1966 · 15/02/2022 20:18

I would be very upset at such an intrusion.

I would be more upset at your husbands reaction.

Gaslighting you that you should appreciate such inappropriate behaviour from his mother.

I would be very upset a her, but feel betrayed by him.

Chasingaftermidnight · 15/02/2022 20:39

The thing that would annoy me the most is the pile of rubbish on the dresser. My MIL’s done that before and it’s passive aggressive.

juice92 · 15/02/2022 20:53

I can remember whenever we would go away my In Laws would come round and do some sort of DIY, this was something my husband always arranged with them, never involving me and I would only realise when I came back and every single thing of mine that had been anywhere else in the house was put in the spare room I use as my work space. There would also be washing done (taken back to the in laws house, washed dried and brought back, I knew due to the smell of the softener) and various other stuff. I always hated it. My in laws would seem to do the stuff that would complete all of the housework tasks for my husband, but make significantly more work for me. I let it go until, twice in a row they did something that majorly inconvenienced me, both times damaging something of mine - entirely by accident - that the soft word of 'please don't ask your parents to come round again' became something much stronger.

There is no need for someone to be in your bedroom. But if this is the first time, and there is not a lot of opportunity for it to happen again, I would let it go on this occasion.

cutebbg · 15/02/2022 20:59

@AskingQuestionsAllTheTime

Whereas I have never met anyone who would feel that someone barging into their bedroom without asking and during their absence from the house was anything but varying degrees of objectionable, depending how much they disliked the sort of person who barges into other people's space uninvited.

Exactly

Soon as I've left the house, IILs start. Whether it's tidying bedrooms, moving furniture and items around, or wearing outdoor shoes in my home. Irritating.

Even those who have different boundaries, surely you can appreciate the rudeness of someone going into your home and doing things they would NEVER do if you were there. It is not the norm to go in people's bedrooms, definitely not how I was brought up.

SuPerDoPer · 15/02/2022 21:03

My ex MIL did something very much like this once. In fact she was always trying to get past being a guest. My ex used to encourage it, I absolutely hated her always looking for jobs around the house. I ended up telling her where to get off and drawing a very clear boundary. This is my home you are the guest, get back in your box, basically. We were OK after that. My ex was really pissed off with me but he hated conflict and I couldn't have her visit if she kept trying to iron my knickers so it needed to be said.

coodawoodashooda · 16/02/2022 07:38

@SuPerDoPer

My ex MIL did something very much like this once. In fact she was always trying to get past being a guest. My ex used to encourage it, I absolutely hated her always looking for jobs around the house. I ended up telling her where to get off and drawing a very clear boundary. This is my home you are the guest, get back in your box, basically. We were OK after that. My ex was really pissed off with me but he hated conflict and I couldn't have her visit if she kept trying to iron my knickers so it needed to be said.

How did you say it op?

2Gen · 16/02/2022 14:06

@TedMullins

My opinion that it's weird to be embarrassed about owning underwear (and it is weird) is no less valid than your opinion that it's rude for her to have done you the favour of doing your washing because it necessitated entering your bedroom. Seriously, you've got issues if you think women's underwear is something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Women's bodies are not inherently sexual or shameful and I hope you're not passing this unhealthy attitude to your kids.

It's not a "favour" to go into someone's bedroom and laundry basket/ drawers and root through their undies without their knowledge nor permission unless one is A/Very close and B/ The owner of said undies is so incapacitated they are incapable of doing it themselves! It is an intrusion! What part of that can't you understand! Do you go rooting in your IL's undies and washing them uninvited? I wouldn't let someone who did that into my home at all because it's disturbing! It's even worse because there were plenty of other jobs in other non-personal rooms the MIL could have done had she been genuinely trying to help but no, she went into their bedroom and went through the underwear when the OP was at work and she was alone in the house! She was being fecking NOSY! And she left a pile of what she thought was rubbish on the dresser! I mean FFS, WHY?? That is not normal behaviour no matter what you say! I don't know why you just can't accept that some people do not like this and have the right to regard their bedrooms, undies and sex lives as fecking PRIVATE! By all means allow every Tom, Dick and Harry into your OWN bedroom and gawking into your underwear drawers or laundry baskets but you've no right to keep trying to make the OP or me feel bad about not liking it it nor about thinking it is intrusive, inappropriate and totally inexcusable!