AIBU - MIL intrusive or helpful?

[Calamityjane1987]

PIL came to stay this weekend. Long history of a tense relationship and overbearing behaviour when LOs were born. Trying to rebuild a relationship but it remains tense.

I was at work on Saturday. DH and FIL went for a walk with LOs in the morning and left MIL at home. I came back home from work late and found our bed had been made, all clothes folded, dirty laundry (including my underwear) put in wash basket and small collection of rubbish she’d found on her tidy in a pile on the dresser. Told DH I was a bit taken aback by it and uncomfortable. He was defensive and all ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being. She did a nice thing’.

I see my bedroom as my private place. I left for work at 6am that morning and due to children being asleep and wanting to make minimal noise/not putting lights on, had left my pjs and underwear crumpled on floor. I feel utterly mortified that as our house was empty she was in our bedroom. Would she have gone in our bedside drawers? I also feel like it’s a judgement on me and admittedly our bedroom is the least tidy room in the house.

I haven’t said anything and don’t intend to. I can see she was likely just doing a nice thing, but it just feels strange and I’m surprised she could think it’s ok given how tense our relationship is anyway. Tell me I’m being an uptight cow so I don’t throttle DH on Valentine’s Day for saying I’m ungrateful.

*nor

My MIL used to be like this with her other DILs but they liked MIL doing all their cleaning and washing - but when I came along I wasn't keen as I'm very private and independent. I remember us going on holiday and sharing accommodation, I felt really uncomfortable and violated that she'd taken all my dirty washing from my bedroom including my underwear to wash while we were out. I didn't say anything because I knew she meant well but I had a little word about it to my husband, and so he was able to just say to his mother not to worry about our washing in future as we didn't want her waiting on us during her holiday.

I'd be annoyed by this too. We lived with PILs for a few months in lockdown and even then we kept all laundry separate and we were responsible for keeping our room clean and tidy.

We often have family come and stay at ours to dogsit if we go away, and I always put them in our bedroom (as only got a crappy sofabed in the spare) so I'm not that fussed about people being in our room when we're not there. But we generally tidy it before anyone is staying, change the bedding etc, so I would be a bit put out to find my drawers rearranged or our laundry basket dealt with. They are there to sleep not tidy up!

I would be absolutely fuming. She has no right to go into your bedroom and sort through your personal things. I would have a word with her and say you are not comfortable with her doing that even though it was coming from a nice place. Ignore you DH, it's his mother, he will have no understanding of how you feel about this .

Id absolitely hate this too. Its an invasion of privacy.
One of my friends did similar to me when she was popping in to feed my pets while we were away.
We leave the bedroom doors pulled to but open enough for the cats to go in and out. She mentioned that she liked the way we had decorated the nursery (before baby was born) and said we had lots to sort out in the other rooms (dumping ground due to decorating).
I was mortified that she had gone and opened doors to have a gander around.
She hasnt house sat since.

Time to tell her that she has overstepped, OP and your bedroom is a private space. Things may be tense but will only get more so if this simmers away. She will also probably see it as a green light in future if you don't say anything.

What she did was not at all ‘nice’. Your H’s response was U.

its strange isnt it - i am like you OP, my bedroom is a provate zone. Even as a teenager my parents never entered without knocking etc so maybe that is where it comes from. When my children were little DMIL had gone into our room and 'made the bed' I always throw the quilt straight but this was hospital corners, bounce a coin on top type made! I had to say something or I would never have felt comfortable leaving her in my house. My bedroom is always the untidiest in the house, because I tidy everywhere else then collapse into bed!! DMIL made snidey comments for a while about 'not being allowed' in that room but it wore off eventually

The reason I didn’t say anything is because she 110% would cry and be very hurt that her help had been misinterpreted. I’m still not sure whether she’s genuinely a confused and misunderstood woman or a highly manipulative one.

And I wouldn’t be so bothered if my mum went in my bedroom but I don’t think that’s a double standard. I work PT and my DH works FT, so I do most of the housework and I feel like the bedroom and its mess is more a reflection on me than him. He has no such thing as thong-style boxers which may be strewn on the floor. And I know my mum might come in my bedroom when she stays to get the hairdryer so I make it more presentable. I didn’t dream MIL would go into the bedroom. And yes to the PP who said the fact she did it when DH was also out the house also seems strange.

If anyone says anything to MIL it should be DH. But he clearly hasn’t ‘got your back’ and is prioritising his mother.

If she cried or sulked in response to a request not to go into your bedroom and handle your dirty washing, that’d be a disproportionate, inappropriate reaction, at best!

It IS a double standard with respect to your own mum, though.

Buy a giant vibrator and a book about being bisexual or male to male sex positions and next time she visits, leave them out on your DH's bedside table. It might put her off.

I mean it might put her off ever going in your room again if she sees sex aids in there.

She sounds exactly like my MIL.

If she wants to ‘help’ then treat her like the cleaner and tell her what she can help with. Just say ‘ it would help me a lot if you did x y and z But I like to sort my bedroom out in my own way’, then she’ll know where she stands.

@cultkid

I see my MIL as another mother most of the time not as someone I hate

since the majority of you said you would be insulted hurt feel invaded etc.. would you mind if a friend did this for you or would you hate it too? I'm so surprised by these answers

I don't have friends who would invade my privacy in this way. Would you really go into a friends bedroom, pick up her dirty clothes from the floor and tidy up without being asked?

I love my MIL by the way. No way would I go into her room and do that to her and no way would she do it to me.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.. I have had similiar problems in the past with my partners mother. One time we had moved into our new home and had a house warming party and invited a fair amount of people so it wasn’t easy to keep an eye on where everyone was. My friend asked me if she could use my bedroom to feed her little one (absolutely fine) and went upstairs to find mil going through my drawers. Friend asked mil if she was ok and if she was lost (a bit bluntly) and mil closed the drawers quickly and said oh no just tidying and went back downstairs. Friend informed me of this afterwards. Another time she visited I caught her doing the same thing in my wardrobe ( I suspect now that she was looking for an item of clothing she had made for me) and again I was so surprised she’d thought it was ok to go into my room and go through my stuff I didn’t say anything. A few other things have gone on too where she has genuinely been kind and trying to tidy up and clean etc which at heart is a nice thing to do, but I’ve learnt now that I just tidy away things I wouldn’t want her to see. Thankfully she lives a few hours away and whilst it’s perhaps not the best way to go about things and I should probably raise it with her, I want a quiet life. I hate conflict unless I really disagree with something.

It sounds like you’re really bothered by it which is completely understandable, could you talk to her about it? Or would that not go down well?

"And I wouldn’t be so bothered if my mum went in my bedroom"

But if your husband was & didn't want his MIL to go picking up his dirty laundry & folding his clothes?

She’s highly manipulative.
Putting the rubbish on your bedside table, WTAF.
Tell her to stay out. If she cries she cries. Sounds like she has form

I really don't get this. I'd love it if my MIL did this. My ILs must know me and DH have sex as we have a child. And I think she'd be more shocked if I didn't wear pants than scooping up some underwear and pants and purring them in the wash. I'm surprised how uptight a lot of people are.

It’s not uptight to not want people in your bedroom especially people you don’t like, trust, or feel comfortable being in there. For many of us, it is our sanctuary and a private place.

I also wouldn’t want someone tidying things away since they wouldn’t put it where I would, they would put it where they think it would go which means me having to search for it or ask them where they put it when I shouldn’t have to because it’s my property or worse them throwing something away assuming it’s rubbish or washing something and ruining it. There are items I’ve had for years that are irreplaceable and would be gutted if someone took it upon themselves to “help” me and ruined them. If I want help, I’d ask, simple as that.

@Sportslady44

fgs sake somebody does something nice and they get slated!! MILs cant win.

She was trying to help you.

The op didn't fucking ask for help. Therefore, it's a total invasion of her privacy. I would be livid. My bet is that she was looking for an excuse to snoop.

The question isn't whether OP would object if her mum did the same.

The question is whether MIL would complain if DIL snooped around her bedroom under the guise of "helping".

99/100 this happens because the DH isn't talking to his DM enough, and DM is reduced to snooping. She's not interested in DIL as a person most of the time, at best she's just an adjunct to her son's life. The MIL just can't let go of her DS or accept he prioritizes a different woman. I speak from experience

The fact she did it when DH was also out the house also seems strange

Sounds to me as if she saw her chance and took it

Isn't it usually said that the answer here is to get some immigration forms and brochures about Australia and leave them on the bed?

So many angry people. No wonder family relationships are fraught. It's the first time she's done it so now is the time to stop it. It's called communication.

Just say thanks MIL for doing that but I'd rather you didn't go in my room. On the other hand if you want something to do there's a pile of ironing/dirty cutlery drawer [whatever] that could use some attention.

(Oh, and if anyone wants to come clean my house, bedroom, bathroom, dirty laundry please don't hesitate.)

You know that old saying about not washing your dirty laundry in public?

That goes double for other people dragging your dirty linen out and inspecting it.

Tell your DH, what she did is not a "nice thing" at all.