7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

@DePfeffoff

The trouble is they will contact your parents who will be persuaded to say it's absolutely fine. Can you underline that whatever your parents say about it, it definitely isn't OK and will never be OK?

We finally 'trained' Mum to say "You'll need to talk to about it. They're handling all that for me now". You'd be surprised at the number of CFs who never called us to 'work it out'.

At that point it was pretty obvious that it was a relief to her to be able to 'pass the buck' and make us the 'bad guys that said no'. Hopefully, OP's parents will feel the same way.

Of course they just want a free holiday.

@gogohm

I think it's possible to compromise, yes they can stay BUT explain your parents no longer drive other than to the local shops (alter as applicable) so they will need to arrange transportation from the airport and you strongly recommend they rent a car as public transport is sporadic/non existent (delete as applicable). Remind them that your parents are not able to go out all/beyond local area and if they plan to do some sightseeing that's fine but it's without them. Tell a white lie if needed and say they are stopping driving/cars failed mot.

The staying bit is far easier, send them a link to Ocado/Tesco and suggest they order a shop because parents aren't able to cater for so many these days.

Have you lost the plot?

There is no compromise to be had here.

The OP's mother is CEV and two of the guests are children who are likely to be unvaccinated.

Aside from the driving, organising food for an extra 7 people for 10 days is a mammoth task.

Goodness I'd be stressed out doing this at more than half that age.

All that aside, the fact that this family think this is a reasonable ask in itself suggests they would be less than helpful guests.

You can't compromise with CF's because they will alway take way more than is offered.

You can only say no and keep saying it.

I also would worry that they might phone your parents and try to pressure them so maybe you need to go first and have this conversation with your parents.
By the way I can’t believe that they are so out of touch with reality. This idea was so obviously crazy from the very beginning. My dad is 89, mum about younger, no way they could host someone, maybe one person for one night and in this case my sibling would do driving and their carer would do cleaning and cooking.

Maybe you should show your parents this thread - or send the relatives a link. Your parents might like the idea but the reality of sleep deprivation, noise and 10 days of it will be another matter.

Glad you have spoken up OP. They cannot stay with your DPs.

Does your parents live in a beautiful part of the country? It's totally about having a free holiday

Have you told your mum? I suspect they might call her and say how they'll look after themselves and be no trouble. She needs to be ready with the Covid risk thing and just say how sorry she is that she just can't have them stay.

Sorry! I missed a page. Clearly I'm not the first to predict them calling your DPs!

I would think a general email to all and sundry who think they are going to rock up to your Mum & Dad's front door with a caravan in tow (actually how were they going to get the caravans to your parent's garden if not drive them there themselves???) saying something along these lines.

"Hi everyone,
As you are no doubt aware, Mum is turning 90 later this year. From earlier communications I can see you are all eager to spend time with her during her significant birthday year. However, it is just simply not possible to extend a cead mile failte to everyone and have you stay in caravans in her and Dad's garden. This is just not an option available to any one wanting to visit.
My parents are in their dotage and while they have managed to shield from Covid for so long during the many lockdowns we've had in the UK, they are still extremely vulnerable. They are no longer available to drive either.
They would love to see you but staying with them is just not an option. Please don't presume that you can arrive and everything will fall into place. You will have to make alternative arrangements for lodgings and travel.
If you do want to come for a visit, you must arrange your own accommodation in a local B&B, AirBnB or Hotel. I've actually gone to the effort of compiling a list of same and attach it to this email (have an attachment of various places to stay and some car hire companies too).
I will be talking to both Mum & Dad and explaining that you meant well but as they are elderly now, we must make the necessary arrangements around that.
Looking forward to your visits throughout the year.

All the best
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney "

Now I'm not suggesting for one moment that your parents aren't mobile and that they couldn't muddle through but they shouldn't have to muddle through and take on these guests. They can arrange a celebration in a hotel or somewhere that they can go to and when they want to leave, they can leave and their relatives don't follow them! That's what is normal.

We finally 'trained' Mum to say "You'll need to talk to about it. They're handling all that for me now".

That's an excellent idea! Definitely worth considering that, OP.

following

Yes you definitely do need to intervene Asap. WW3 will just have to happen…why are people so bloody selfish and stupid?!

Sorry just read your updates. Am glad they are taking your concerns on board.

Over my dead body would be my reaction

I have found this quite "triggering", as they say. My parents would get trampled all over with people coming to have holidays at their whim. I was always torn. I am sure that my mother probably gave out open invitations, but then constantly whined and moaned at me the entire time when people actually came. I got a bit tired of being painted as the bad guy when I tried to help and mitigate. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. All you can do is follow your own conscience.

How cheeky! I hope they get back to you soon saying they won’t be coming!

I just said “I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally unless that is just a turn of phrase , just decide on other plans”

Well done OP - if they go ballistic then that's their choice, but frankly they must be quite mad to have suggested what they did
Unless they were fishing for someone else to put them up I guess?

OMG, where've you been for the past 2 years that you don't know what CEV means

Are you on one of those remote islands that has escaped the pandemic?

Why so fucking rude? I live in the United States, in an area where we didn't have the lockdowns and the term CEV wasn't used. Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone in the world lives in the UK?

Sorry if it's already been covered but assuming they know your parents are CEV: did they at least have the decency to assure them all 7 are fully vaccinated before ploughing on with their insanely entitled and presumptuous demands?

I am 74 and would not be able to cope with this ridiculous situation.
Stand FIRM protect your parents at all costs. Tell the selfish cousins they must sort out where they are staying and drive everywhere themselves and only call in for a cup of tea when Covid tested. DO NOT LET THEM TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR VERY ELDERLY PARENTS. To allow this visit otherwise could be a death sentence for your parents.

I would. My grandmother had a very nasty episode after hosting a family. It was really too much for her. You can't undo it afterwards.

@Balonziaga that’s why l wrote guise, they’re using any excuse to try to get their feet in the door. As other have rightly said a free holiday in October, in this part of the world is less appealing so they’re going for August. Classic CF’s. Especially as due to there being 7 of them, then both OP’s parents would have to drive cars as they won’t all fit in 1 car

Nothing wrong with visiting elderly relations, we visited my dad great auntie a few years ago.
Difference is we got our own hire car and booked our own accommodation, we wouldn’t have dreamed of imposing on an elderly lady. Plus we checked the timing was convenient

You need to step in and be prepared to he very blunt. We had a very similar situation , also family from the US and it was a nightmare . I would also suggest being very straight , do not rely on them picking up tone or intention or hints. Another relative in the US said that one of the mistakes we make was to expect them to take a hint , apparently in the US people ‘ tell it like it is’ and we needed to spell it out in words of one syllable. What I thought was obvious was apparently
Not clear enough .

@GellerYeller instinct tells me no they probably aren’t

If they are American (or Irish descent) then you have to be CRYSTAL clear. Many people in the US just dont get the British code of politely telling someone to fuck off

So if you say its not convenient, they will say we will come another day because you didnt specifically say you dont want to host them

Imagine you are communicating with someone who doesnt speak English as their first language and doesnt understand any inference or subtext.