7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

@GellerYeller

Not sure where you have been but are you aware that having the vaccine doesn’t appear to affect transmission of recent variants and only protect most from hospitalisation. I say most because we had a close family friend who died of covid early this year. Fully vaccinated.

These visitors would want to sight see. Travel on public transportation mix with others doing so. Huge risk to my parents.

Well, plenty of British tourists manage just fine when driving in the US, or mainland Europe, and likewise loads of tourists to this country from abroad hire vehicles and somehow cope with our roads.
They will just need to make sure the car/SUV/minibus they hire is an automatic.

That was addressing the don't want to drive/don't like British roads issue!
Going on public transport is a whole different ball game -- plenty of us native Londoners are still very hesitant about the Tube, for example,

Interesting because my US relatives will not drive here either and spend a lot of time talking about how scary the driving is here, too fast, roundabouts, stick shift etc

@Ellowyn

OMG, where've you been for the past 2 years that you don't know what CEV means

Are you on one of those remote islands that has escaped the pandemic?

Why so fucking rude? I live in the United States, in an area where we didn't have the lockdowns and the term CEV wasn't used. Has it ever occurred to you that not everyone in the world lives in the UK?

I didn't know what it meant either.

I haven't RTFT.

You need to say quite plainly, spoken and in writing.

"Mum and Dad are NOT able to host you. They are very old and unwell.
If you arrive with the intention of staying, I will be there to turn you away.
The most that they could manage is you calling in for tea and cake for an hour at a pre-agreed time. Or alternatively you could collect them and take them out to tea, and then bring them home.
You will not hear this from them, because they are far too polite to say it.
Please enjoy your trip by all means, but I am serious about this.
You must make other arrangements now.
I do hope we can catch up when you are here, perhaps we will meet you for lunch somewhere one day whilst you are here.
Please do confirm that you have made other arrangements and will not be staying with mum and dad.
Yours etc."

Who cares if they fall out with you? They just want a cheap holiday. CFs.

Your post assumes the former that they were invited! It’s the latter they told my mum they were coming over to “ celebrate” her upcoming 90th birthday ( and have a few holiday! ) They invited themselves!

Did you hear the conversation?

When I am going to visit my mum or sister I’ll say “we were planning on coming up, are you free” and she will either say yes or no.

I’m not inviting myself, I’m letting them know I’d like to visit. She can say yes or no. They do the same.

I just said “I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally unless that is just a turn of phrase , just decide on other plans”

Well done OP, CFs need to get a hotel.

@NorthSouthcatlady I'm on OP's behalf. And her poor parents. Notwithstanding their brazen CF plan, I couldn't take 7 people on a trans Atlantic Jolly on such a casual arrangement. What on earth is wrong with people?

@BoredZelda

Since my mum told me verbatim the conversation I do believe her, and yes they invited themselves.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney absolutely. I am in total solidarity with you. Was simply trying to say they haven't even displayed basic manners or the slightest regard for anyone else. 100% did not mean to offend or suggest they should rock up in any capacity.

We've had this before from PILs (live overseas).

To DH: Guess what!! Your brother is coming to see you.
Us: Erm that's really not convenient, we have very small DCs, our house is being rebuilt and we have unexpectedly found ourselves in financial difficulty (and we know he has very significant 'lifestyle' issues). Anyway, he needs to get in touch and talk to us about it himself.
PILs: Don't be daft - you'll be fine!!

He came. It wasn't fine.

Yes step in, totally unreasonable to expect elderly relations to host family or not.

Since my mum told me verbatim the conversation I do believe her, and yes they invited themselves.

And at no point she could have said "no that doesn't work for us"?

Did they say "we're coming to stay whether you want us to or not"? Because unless that was the "verbatim" conversation, they haven't invited themselves, she has agreed they are hosting them.

Similar thing happened to my parents, they wouldn't come to mine, parents muddled through, was a bloody nightmare, spent 3 weeks rushing backwards and forwards, and had to organise days out and short breaks. Good luck and stick to your guns x

Thank you @GellerYeller

I think @BoredZelda is now standing up for them - maybe it’s my cousins .

Joke really . I think it’s because some people probably think ( and I don’t blame them ) This is so outrageous it can’t be as reported , there must be another explanation.

Wrote thread reported , as it was to me to gauge opinion from others . I feel validated.

What they should have said was:

"Hi Auntie Kitty and Uncle Joe

We are planning a trip over your way this summer. We'd love to call by and see you. Will you be around at all and would that be OK? No need to do anything - just put the kettle on and we will bring the cake! We are staying in Anytown and hiring a car so we are thinking of driving over for a few hours one afternoon.

Looking forward to seeing you

Love

The American Cousins

xx"

I'm vulnerable and been shielding for a long time and even I didn't know what it meant! I've never seen that acronym before. Always just used vulnerable or shielding.

Sometimes your brain just blanks too, so helps people to refer to it in full just once, for everyone's benefit. You can always Google it if you're stuck on any acronyms.

@BoredZelda

Since my mum told me verbatim the conversation I do believe her, and yes they invited themselves.

And at no point she could have said "no that doesn't work for us"?

Did they say "we're coming to stay whether you want us to or not"? Because unless that was the "verbatim" conversation, they haven't invited themselves, she has agreed they are hosting them.

It's a bit of red herring whether OPs mum spoke up, to be fair. It's still a ridiculous cheeky imposition and not initiated by OPs parents.

Well done for being firm OP. If that wasn't a simple turn of phrase then my goodness, they have thick skin. I would expect them to go back to your parents on this, so it might be an idea to let them know what has been said

@BoredZelda
I thiklbk I said upthread my mum is passive and finds it hard to say no .

If you are going to comment on this thread, please at least have the good grace to read my posts before jumping in with both feet .

I think @BoredZelda is now standing up for them - maybe it’s my cousins .

Yawn.

*It's a bit of red herring whether OPs mum spoke up, to be fair. It's still a ridiculous cheeky imposition and not initiated by OPs parents.

None of my visits home have ever been initiated by my parents and neither have their visits to us.

MIL, on the other hand whines that she never sees us, so we have to keep inviting her. Incidentally, she never invites us down to her, we have to instigate that too.

It isn't a red herring, it's just a difference in how people operate. And regardless of what is said, someone who has been on this planet for 90 years should be quite capable of saying no.

I thiklbk I said upthread my mum is passive and finds it hard to say no

If you are going to comment on this thread, please at least have the good grace to read my posts before jumping in with both feet

I did read that. Still doesn't change the fact that it is her or your father's responsibility to decline people who "invite themselves" to their home.

@BoredZelda

Go away get off this thread , stop trying to lick a fight .

Or even pick one! Don’t lick one either!