7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

[quote 2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]@BlackAmericanoNoSugar
They live in the US - Irish descent![/quote]
As an American of Irish descent, I apologize on their behalf. They are just looking for a cheap holiday. How thoughtless of them.

So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too

Sorry you probably answered that, but they expect to be driven around for 10 days by whom exactly, your 90yo mum?

I'm in my late 60's and can hardy manage people visiting. Protect your mother!!

What is CEV. I know you're not fish but this is all I can find on it; 'Carp Edema Virus (CEV) causes serious disease in common carp'.

How incredibly inconsiderate of them. Do they think your parents are seriously up for driving round/hosting 7 people?! Keep telling them no and tell them your mum is CEV: do they realise she won’t even greet supermarket deliveries at the door? Bizarre to think they’d happily host 7 people, that’s a huge amount!

CEV = Clinically extremely vulnerable

Well done to you for following up the frankly obtuse and insensitive response about discussing your points with the others….

Tells you all you need to know and it’s a good example of why “No” is a complete sentence or “No. That doesn’t work for us” is impactful because people like this will just burrow into any excuse to turn it around for their benefit.

90!!! After two years of a pandemic!!!

Many people are eager to travel after two years of not being able to do so easily. This is absolutely about a free holiday. They’re trigger happy, want to get out there, can’t afford to do it on their own dime, thought this would be like 5 years ago.

Some people have no understanding of the toll the pandemic has taken on the elderly. They don’t have a couple of years to waste on a pandemic or necessarily the physical or mental strength to handle it well.

Unbelievably selfish. These relatives need to be told what the situation is on the ground. A hard no.

Well done for being unequivocal

Extreme cheeky fuckery of this order comes with thick skin, so you have to use a battering ram to communicate, even though it feels uncomfortable.

@Roystonv

CEV = Clinically extremely vulnerable

Thank you.

@NorthSouthcatlady

Their CF game is strong . I would not dream of doing this to someone, especially under the guise of celebrating a 90th birthday. Good on your for contacting them

...a birthday that isn't happening for two months after their planned stay - long after they've holiday'd and gone home.

Absolute Cheeky Fuckery of the highest and most blatant order that I've seen on MN for a long time.

@Ellowyn

I'm in my late 60's and can hardy manage people visiting. Protect your mother!!

What is CEV. I know you're not fish but this is all I can find on it; 'Carp Edema Virus (CEV) causes serious disease in common carp'.

OMG, where've you been for the past 2 years that you don't know what CEV means

Are you on one of those remote islands that has escaped the pandemic?

If you need to hit the nuclear button, which I would recommend with this lot, ask them if they are trying to kill your parents. The stress of this ridiculous idea is enough to put real strain on them, but the risk of Covid to your parents is a very real one. I'm seething on your behalf, don't put up with their stupid, selfish demands. They can fund their own fucking holiday in a hotel like everyone else does.

Well done for standing up for your parents. Hopefully it'll give your mum the courage to stand up for herself if they keep pressing the issue.

Good that you stepped in. I have had to do something similar for my mother who is now 78 years old and no longer up to hosting. To be fair to the relatives coming, she has hosted without problem previously and they haven't seen her for four years so don't know how she has changed in that time. So it is an expectation on her that comes from thoughtlessness rather than any unkindness or wish to take advantage.

Sometimes you have to take a stand. I'd even go so far as to collect your elderly parents, lock up their house securely, and have them stay at yours for a few days to ensure they are not taken advantage of. Install a ring door bell at their house so you can call the police if anyone tries to get in.

Assuming they have capacity, this is going a bit far!

I have Irish grandparents on both sides living in England (similar age to your parents).

While I completely agree they’re being cheeky fuckers of cousins I’d bet my last penny your parents love to host and have always offered over the years. Your cousins probably haven’t quite clicked that there’s a lot of difference between a heathy 85 year old and a slowly declining 90 year old.

The old school Irish hosting I’ve grown up with there’s enough room for everyone - bed priority from eldest to youngest. ‘Elders’ get the beds, married couples get their own room and everyone else either goes on the sofa/air bed/all the kids in one room.

They’d constantly moan about the stress, the mess, the noise but love every second of the craziness - this is the generation that grew up with ten siblings in multigenerational homes.

Hosting isn’t meant to be stuffy it’s meant to be there’s the fridge, the cupboard has alcohol, if you make a cuppa make us one and why haven’t you made yourself a sandwich?

I think you’re treading a thin line here OP and I’m sure your parents are going to be offering your taxi services/house

I don’t think a visit of this nature is one - and that’s before I read avout the CEV.

My mum is also 90 and she’d not say no either - but wouldn’t be able to cope and it would absolutely knacker her for ages afterwards.

I think you may need to intervene - suggest alternative places to stay (at their expense) and take your mum over for the actual day or a day.

Not sure where they are from? (The USA - I ‘ve heard that some from there struggle with our roads) Lay it on about covid etc.

Hope you manage to quash the tour.

There comes a time in all our lives when 'the children become the parents' and we just have to 'take a stand' on behalf of our elderly parents. I'm so glad you've taken this situation over!!

You need to be sure your CF relatives don't go behind your back and coerce your parents into saying 'yes' despite you telling them 'no' on their behalf.

Not a family situation, but that happened with my mum with a persistent sales call. My brother (lived with her) finally had to turn the phone ringer off in the living room (he could still hear the one in his room, mum couldn't) so she wouldn't answer the phone until the 'situation' was resolved.

I think it's possible to compromise, yes they can stay BUT explain your parents no longer drive other than to the local shops (alter as applicable) so they will need to arrange transportation from the airport and you strongly recommend they rent a car as public transport is sporadic/non existent (delete as applicable). Remind them that your parents are not able to go out all/beyond local area and if they plan to do some sightseeing that's fine but it's without them. Tell a white lie if needed and say they are stopping driving/cars failed mot.

The staying bit is far easier, send them a link to Ocado/Tesco and suggest they order a shop because parents aren't able to cater for so many these days.

Nope. There’s no compromise. Having that many people to stay is exhausting and of course the parents will get drawn in to hosting. Who’s going to make up all the beds? Clean the house for them? Get the food in? Be up early every day due to small children? Tidy up after everyone.

The staying is not the easy but at all.

I am sure your parents would like to meet a younger generation - but for a tea party, not to host and not to get them out of their routine.

Obviously easier in a bigger town or city not a rural location. As PPs have said, they could have taken a train to the city and booked a Premier Inn and hosted her. But she lives rurally, hasn't got a viable car and it can't be on you to travel 400 miles round trip to facilitate - when few cars take 7 people 2 of whom need car seats and they can drive but don't want to use GB roads.

Have you told your DM that you are planning on putting them off?

@Purplependant222
I know what you mean.
My mother ( Irish ) loves having people to stay. DH won her over on first meeting with the biggest compliment when he said our house was like Heuston Station ( not a typo - it's a busy railway station in Dublin ) with all the comings and goings.
She'll whinge about all the visitors after they've gone but would be highly insulted if they didn't stay with her. 😂
But not at 90 years of age - they are really taking the ....

The trouble is they will contact your parents who will be persuaded to say it's absolutely fine. Can you underline that whatever your parents say about it, it definitely isn't OK and will never be OK?

HOW did they ever think this was going to work?

I am doubting your parents have a 9 seater car so they were truly expecting two people who are very old to drive ALONE, in convoy, to the airport which if they're rural, must be some distance away...

This is beyond thoughtless!

@IntermittentParps

I really think you want to send a really unequivical response now. "You absolutely cannot under any circumstances stay with my parents, even for one night. And, since neither of them drive, they will not be collecting you or driving you anywhere. Period."

I agree with this. Make sure they're really clear on what the deal is.

This.

There's nothing to 'discuss'. Following their discussion they will ring your Mum and say 'we're still OK coming aren't we?'

State - Mum will tell you you can stay, you fucking can't.