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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

511 replies

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 14/02/2022 10:51

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

OP posts:
Ikeptgoing · 15/02/2022 19:05

I would text or email your US cousins and copy in the UK cousins they plan to stay with or their UK closer relatives

" Mum and Dad told me you (US cousins) plan to visit and stay with them for 10 days - all 7 of you including 2 toddlers- and don't plan to hire any car, as a plan to celebrate mums 90th.

That's not really a celebration for mum who'd prefer being taken out for a pub lunch for a couple hours instead!

As you know Mum is now 90 and amazing for it! But like all 90 year olds she no longer as fit as she was in her 70s, they are CEV and they cannot host anyone at their house like this, not 7 people and young children, ,let alone drive people around when they no longer drive !

Please don't put my parents in this position, as they'd love to see US cousins for a couple hours, not 10 days.

Can you please make a better plan- here is tourist information link for their area - so you can find local accomodation, where to eat, and will probably have link's to hire cars or taxis.
Thankyou , 2bees"

GreekGod · 15/02/2022 19:13

My goodness - this is awful OP and i really feel for you.

we had this problem growing up during my childhood - house was always full of relatives coming from overseas and who expected my poor DM and DF to taxi them everywhere. The irony was that we always stayed in hotels and never stayed with anyone but other relatives stayed with them and we were just dragged into it all especially as my father was the baby of the family and youngest of 5 so everyone took advantage of him. If it helps, we recently discussed this with my DM who is now in her 70s and she said to me that she wishes she was more assertive about this - said that she had awful arguments with my DF about this (I can't remember these at all )

So, I would suggest if you don't want them there - just tell them. Life is too short but be prepared to fall out with them. My DM said she wished she had fallen out with relatives - it would have made her life a lot less stressful and drama free

hope that helps

Mandyjack · 15/02/2022 19:16

You need to step in & tell them that it's not practical and they will have to make other arrangements

Loreleigh · 15/02/2022 19:44

Intervene..try, as others have suggested, a polite explanation of why it is unreasonable of them to expect to park 7 people on an elderly couple and then expect full hospitality, chauffeur service, room service, waitress service and everything in between...sounds like they would even expect babysitting services/childminding!

If they try to insist, be blunt, tell them no way, not going to happen, if they land at the airport they will be stranded there because nobody will be collecting them, and no doubt a whole ton of luggage (probably need at least 2 cars for all those people, 10 days worth of luggage, child seats etc - more like a bloody minibus! WW3, bring it on! You have common sense on your side.

Personally the damn cheek of these CF's would see all my politeness sailing off into the sunset and they would get a resounding FK OFF Good luck, but don't let this happen - it would take over your parents house, lives and probably ruin the 90th birthday. Let them send a card instead - that may be appreciated more than being unpaid servants to unwanted, uninvited guests. Never ceases to amaze me how many entitled twats populate Mumsnet/Gransnet threads - and we wonder why the world is in such a mess!

Tzimi · 15/02/2022 19:59

I don't blame them for not wanting to drive here, it's carnage out there!

Jack80 · 15/02/2022 20:07

I would say your welcome to come to celebrate my mums birthday but you need to sort out your own food, accommodation and transport.

Iziz · 15/02/2022 20:21

Blimey 10 days ? I think it’s a free holiday they want ,I think two max if you really have to say yes I would suggest you write them an email explaining it’s too much work for your parents they are elderly and it’s way too costly they have to find a better option themselves and not rely on your parents for anything except the birthday party nothing else .

littlefireseverywhere · 15/02/2022 20:27

So unreasonable, you’re right to put them off!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/02/2022 20:35

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney - well done for stepping in!

Flatwhitetostayin · 15/02/2022 20:42

Am glad she's got you looking out for her. She's very fortunate. X

nozbottheblue · 15/02/2022 21:08

Yes you must step in. They can stay in a nearby town and get a taxi to take them over for visits. I know how my 92 year old mum would be , she wouldn’t say no but she’d get herself into such a tizz even for just a visit from anyone other than close family, never mind so many expecting to stay.
Just remind the visitors that 90 year olds can’t do all they used to be able to, as they seem to need it pointing out.
I’m getting quite worked up on your behalf!

Original poster
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 15/02/2022 21:27

Spoke to my English cousin this evening . She has already told them that she was unavailable thinking it was only 2 but her sister said she was happy to have them.

She had heard the young couple with children had been invited to a party in Italy and were going to leave young kids with another cousin at my parents house and fly out for a couple of days . So total absolute bullshit that they want to celebrate my mums birthday ( 2 months early ) but looking at their house as the boarding school for the kids as they swan off!

I am speechless and I think another strongly worded message may be in order.

My English cousin Agreed with me it would be too much for my parents and also not to involve them as they would offer to muddle through! Said a similar event probably was the demise of her mum years ago.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/02/2022 21:31

It gets worse… 😡

Time to speak to those concerned. No emails. No niceties.

Just get them telt.

Babyvenusplant · 15/02/2022 21:36

You need to tell them that it's not happening, end of

If they want to pop in to see your parents for a day then yes, but absolutely no staying there

Cheeky bastards

EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 21:37

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

It gets worse… 😡

Time to speak to those concerned. No emails. No niceties.

Just get them telt.

Yes

And "telt" is a brilliant word.

Seriously though, what an awful thing to do, put upon people like that full stop, but for this reason? Bloody hell.

Dovecare · 15/02/2022 21:39

Tell them it is not an option due to age and space and suggest they get a hotel and use taxies

Integrity7 · 15/02/2022 21:41

Why don't you offer to cook, shop, make beds, drive them and book the alternative accommodation? And lay some covid and other ground rules like quarantining 14 days before seeing your parents? It maybe the last time your parents get to see them or they may have an ulterior motive. Your parents are adults with agency.

minniesdragg · 15/02/2022 21:43

And I would be wary of moving your parents out of their house and having them to stay with you whilst the ACs were over, as if I were a CF I would assume empty house = free accommodation for me !

Integrity7 · 15/02/2022 21:44

And 14 days quarantine (don't worry they wont need a car) between any parties and seeing your parents.

Original poster
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 15/02/2022 21:46

@Integrity7

Are you being serious!!!!

I live 200 miles away and am also Clinically Extremely Vulnerable .

How can you quarantine for a fortnight when you are coming for 10 days .

OP posts:
Original poster
2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 15/02/2022 21:50

Well they have read the latest strongly worded message

OP posts:
Pinkfluff76 · 15/02/2022 21:50

Oh ffs this is why I have such bad feelings toward Americans!so brazen and selfish!

siestaingsnake · 15/02/2022 22:02

OMG very cheeky

EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 22:03

@Integrity7

Why don't you offer to cook, shop, make beds, drive them and book the alternative accommodation? And lay some covid and other ground rules like quarantining 14 days before seeing your parents? It maybe the last time your parents get to see them or they may have an ulterior motive. Your parents are adults with agency.
Why would anyone offer to do that?!
ChristmasPlanning · 15/02/2022 22:07

@Integrity7

Why don't you offer to cook, shop, make beds, drive them and book the alternative accommodation? And lay some covid and other ground rules like quarantining 14 days before seeing your parents? It maybe the last time your parents get to see them or they may have an ulterior motive. Your parents are adults with agency.
@Integrity7

The cousins have an interior motive - a free holiday, base to travel, taxi drivers & childcare!

The OP has handled this well

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