7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

think I'd probably not offer this as American Cousins sound like liberty takers and expect the OP to do more research than she wants to

I agree! They might expect her to pay for it as well!

Have you contacted the cousin over here, @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney?

@Howshouldibehave

Yes we will talk later ( and by the sounds of it , history may be repeating itself - my aunt , her mum passed away some years ago. )

Tell them your parents don't drive anymore as almost 90. Therefore they will need a hire car so they can go to the band B. Your Mum is CEV and can't have distress. She won't be able to host so mamy people at once. Say they would love a visit though.

I understand the rising costs and inflation and everything, but if I have a family overseas, that I haven't seen for a while and they are willing to come and celebrate with me, my 90th birthday (which is quite something and a big milestone, most of us should be lucky to get that far), I would be more than happy to welcome them and I will rely on my children to help their 90 year old mother to meet family and generally spending good time. Especially if I would have stayed with this family before when I visit.
If on the other hand, those people are just using me as a pretex to stay while doing tourism and ask for a lot of maintenance and won't pay attention to me, but I will have to pay attention to them, then, fair enough.

@IcingandSlicing

I understand the rising costs and inflation and everything, but if I have a family overseas, that I haven't seen for a while and they are willing to come and celebrate with me, my 90th birthday (which is quite something and a big milestone, most of us should be lucky to get that far), I would be more than happy to welcome them and I will rely on my children to help their 90 year old mother to meet family and generally spending good time. Especially if I would have stayed with this family before when I visit. If on the other hand, those people are just using me as a pretex to stay while doing tourism and ask for a lot of maintenance and won't pay attention to me, but I will have to pay attention to them, then, fair enough.

so you'd expect to dump yourself on the 90 yo mum?

For goodness sake step in straight away, your elderly parents cannot be expected to cater for a houseful of people at there age; I’m 50 & I’d say as lovely as your thoughts are Mum & Dad really cannot cope with that amount of people They’d happily host a lovely family meal for them but They cannot have people staying over it’s just not practical for them at their age, everyone can stay at tge nearest premier inn x

Some wars are worth fighting, this is definitely one of them!

Sounds like my side of the family from India!! My parents have this all tue time. They Come over unannounced, stay as long as they like and expect us to become tour guides. All without putting their hands in their pocket!!! Then we all get roped into being taxi drivers and taking them across the country as London and Yorkshire are a 10 minute drive and I piss in my tank to keep the car going!!

I am sorry you are in this position. But at 90yrs old this is way too much for your parents.

Oh yes absolutely looking free accommodation. I would maybe have considered it if they were coming to take care of your parents and help look after them but it sounds like they are expecting to be lifted and laid. Too much pressure on your parents. Hopefully you find a diplomatic way to put them off without causing a big to-do but in reality will you see them much for the rest of your life.

Absolutely step in. Your mum deserves to enjoy her 90th birthday. In your response don’t forget to invite yourselves over en masse. Borrow some rescue dogs to accompany you.
Good luck with this.

@IcingandSlicing are you 90 and CEV?

@Dragonsmother

Sounds like my side of the family from India!! My parents have this all tue time. They Come over unannounced, stay as long as they like and expect us to become tour guides. All without putting their hands in their pocket!!! Then we all get roped into being taxi drivers and taking them across the country as London and Yorkshire are a 10 minute drive and I piss in my tank to keep the car going!!

I am sorry you are in this position. But at 90yrs old this is way too much for your parents.

why do you do it?

Perhaps they could stay in the Airbnb & get cabs when they want to go out & about. We've done that on holiday abroad & doesn't work out much different to cost of hire car without the stress of driving.

They are very selfish to expect to land in an elderly couple like this.

A very stressful situation for you.

My 90 year old triple jabbed Mum is currently in bed with Covid. They need to stay elsewhere and meet up with her in a well ventilated area. They are being selfish.

@BoredZelda

I thiklbk I said upthread my mum is passive and finds it hard to say no

If you are going to comment on this thread, please at least have the good grace to read my posts before jumping in with both feet

I did read that. Still doesn't change the fact that it is her or your father's responsibility to decline people who "invite themselves" to their home.

Don't be ridiculous. You're obviously extremely assertive and never let anything drop, on this or other threads.

Not everyone is as assertive as you clearly are. Especially people in their 90s.

Sometimes it's the kind and responsible thing to do to step in when more vulnerable people need help to stand up to CFs.

100% agree.
I care for elderly people and this is 100% on your relatives.
I would happily tell relatives no and if they have an issue- shame on them

I don't understand the extreme self-centeredness of people nowadays, or has it always been like that?
Every human interaction is evaluated in money and calculated if it can be afforded ot not. Maybe we can't afford having family at all after all? Because £££££

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Well still no reply to my last message .

I have now found out that this is not a single trip to “celebrate” a milestone birthday 2 months early but they are also visiting other younger relatives after.

So this is definitely them looking for free holiday accommodation to visit tourist sites rather than the fictional celebration for my mum.

Contemplating contacting another cousin apparently playing one of several hosts to see if she has heard anything. I am thinking my name is now muck in the States.

That cousin could maybe accommodate by using adult childrens’ , houses not sure . And they are only staying there a few nights too.

Getting my hard hat ready for WW3

Do you have to engage in WW3?

Could you just say no and ignore the phone for a while or are your parents not okay with that?

@BoredZelda

I thiklbk I said upthread my mum is passive and finds it hard to say no

If you are going to comment on this thread, please at least have the good grace to read my posts before jumping in with both feet

I did read that. Still doesn't change the fact that it is her or your father's responsibility to decline people who "invite themselves" to their home.

Well, some people can't do that. Whether you think they should do or not.

And as you get older, you feel weaker and not always able to deal with confilct

So the OP's jumped in.

I'm astounded! Not only to invite themselves but no driving???
How young are they that they don't figure this out for themselves?
Your parents will definitely try and pull out the stops and do too much. Sure they accommodated them years ago but the situation is very different. Also, Covid/omicron is still an issue. No ways! Step in! Or at least put down the ground rules - they drive, they cook they clean and leave house as found and they respect quiet time after bedtime.

OP
I think its fine for you to contact the other UK cousins and say did they realise what their US cousins were planning to do?! 😮😮

And its too much for your mum and Dad who are in their 90s to be able to accommodate, cater for or even be asked to drive around around these 7 visiting relatives when they are CEV and frail, but they didn't feel they could say, so they (UK cousins) need to support you redirect their US family. Thankyou , as they are not staying with mum and Dad

@5YearsLeft

I don’t want to be hyperbolic, but I do feel you absolutely must step in and not give a fig if it causes WW3. I’ve seen quite a few elderly people in the 85-92 age range “put up with” or “muddle through” either some huge family visit or a huge trip that they truly weren’t up for, and then at that age, they never completely recover their energy again. Especially if your mum was already CEV, they’re living rurally, two unreliable cars. I’m afraid you must get involved. It’s completely ridiculous, and utterly insane when it’s your host’s 90th birthday (!!!!) to expect this. I’m not sure what’s wrong with your relatives (have they forgotten she’s 90? Are they just so tight they don’t care? Having elder relatives come and visit is not an exchange of hospitalities - you must accept they will NOT be up for hosting your whole family, very obviously) as I can’t really imagine anyone else ever planning this and thinking it’s acceptable.

And IF WW3 threatens to kick off, I’d ask them if they’d feel comfortable telling their friends exactly what they’re doing, since it’s so acceptable - “Oh yes, we’re supposed to celebrate Gran’s 90th birthday so all seven of us are going to stay with her. Yes, we’re expecting her to get in all the food and beds and everything for us since we won’t be driving when we get there; in fact, we’re not going to have a car at all since we don’t like UK roads, so she’ll have to sort out two car seats and all that. And I’m not sure all seven of us will fit in the house but she’s going to have to sort that, too. Sure, she’s CEV and been shielding for two years but… Wait, why do you have that horrified look on your face? You don’t think it’s a nice 90th birthday present?”

This 👆

With bells on

It's not only or even primarily about the £ though @IcingandSlicing - it's about the strain on the OPs parents

I think you have said and done exactly the right thing, OP. Speaking as an American sometimes you have to tell them things quite forcefully for them to get the message! And that goes for long term expats as well. They don't tend to do the tiptoeing around people dropping hints and expecting them to guess thing that people do here. My husband and his family are the worst for this being from Scotland and I find the guessing games quite confusing sometimes!

I absolutely agree there can be NO WAY they stay with your parents, both because they’re frail and tired and would be exhausted from one day never mind ten, and because of the covid risk. Good and necessary that you are getting involved to point out the reality of the situation.

HOWEVER there is a lot of hate for these people on this thread when their motives might be quite different to what is being attributed to them.

As some PPs have said, they are probably unaware of how age has kicked in. They might be planning to pull their weight (eg meals on a rota), to contribute costs etc: of course the hosts will still feel a huge expectation on them, so the reality is different, but the thought might have been there. And everyone I know in the US seems to drive a long way for basics as per the bigger country, so maybe they’re thinking the airport doesn’t seem that far away etc - v different in practice when people and cars are old, but again…

Maybe they have long wanted to visit and often have wondered how the trans-Atlantic family are doing. Maybe they are doing it this year rather than x years ago simply because it is your mum’s milestone birthday. They might even be thinking that they want to celebrate with your mum but don’t want to take up her time round her actual birthday as she might have plans with closer family etc. Of course it’s nicer to visit somewhere in summer, rather than October. And you’re not going to pop half way across the world and not want to catch up with as many sights and relatives as possible – it doesn’t mean you’re taking advantage of people.

If you’re spending many hundreds on flights and you know family/good friends (especially family who have liked to host previously), the accommodation might be the difference between coming/seeing them or not. You also get more time with people if you stay with them; real time, quality time, and down-time - like taking a holiday with people instead of meeting (all too) briefly – you get to connect or reconnect and feel like you’ve really SEEN them.

I don’t know them nor what they are thinking. However I have travelled across continents and spent hundreds in order to see good friends/to meet distant family – to catch up, to explore their home areas with them - and I’d have been a bit hurt if they thought suggesting an odd lunch was enough. Leaving the issue of age/fragility and what your parents can manage aside, it doesn’t scream ‘we’d love to see you, thanks for making the effort’.