7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

And regardless of what is said, someone who has been on this planet for 90 years should be quite capable of saying no.

My parents would have said no but the older they get the more they have struggled to say no even when they want to. My DM has definitely got more nervous and anxious of everything.

I also know plenty of people who don't feel like they can say no.

Don't assume just because you can say no to people that other people can.

My Nanna in her 80s finds it quite difficult to get around now, but she is still sharp. If anyone proposed this to her, she'd laugh at them, tell them to get lost and hang up the phone.

I can't believe they thought it was acceptable to ask elderly vulnerable people to host them, ferry them around, whilst possibly exposing them to covid.

I'm afraid that even if you say no, they may turn up anyway, and get a taxi. Once at the doorstep, they'll never say no. If you don't live local, you can't do anything. If you've had to be the one to advocate for her

they probably know this and might bet on it. I hope not, but given they thought the idea was completely acceptable to begin with...

Of course they do - Americans and Canadians are always like this. @ChickenStripper

Please, tell me more about what we Canadians are like?

Wow this CF'ery at its finest!!!

I really hope they haven’t booked either. Your poor parents.

@LovePoppy

Of course they do - Americans and Canadians are always like this. *@ChickenStripper*

Please, tell me more about what we Canadians are like?

You're just like us Americans. Pushy, uncouth, poorly educated, etc. Nothing like exemplars of class, style and grace like @ChickenStripper.

@BoredZelda

I think @BoredZelda is now standing up for them - maybe it’s my cousins .

Yawn.

*It's a bit of red herring whether OPs mum spoke up, to be fair. It's still a ridiculous cheeky imposition and not initiated by OPs parents.

None of my visits home have ever been initiated by my parents and neither have their visits to us.

MIL, on the other hand whines that she never sees us, so we have to keep inviting her. Incidentally, she never invites us down to her, we have to instigate that too.

It isn't a red herring, it's just a difference in how people operate. And regardless of what is said, someone who has been on this planet for 90 years should be quite capable of saying no.

How many of your close relatives are 90.... because I have a couple in their late 80s and they are not as confident and assertive as they once were.....mind you all your relatives are probably gobby shites like you 🙄

[quote 2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]@Puzzledandpissedoff

2 days ago they hadn’t booked. I hope that is still the case. Tough on them if they have booked . But I could always give them the air B snd B details .[/quote]
I wouldn't do that. Just tell them, as you already have, that it isn't possible to actually stay with your elderly and frail parents.

They are responsible for making their own arrangements if they wish to come over but you don't need to appoint yourself their facilitator.

They have to be self-sufficient. They will need to arrange their own separate accommodation and a suitable sized hire car which they collect at the airport when they land. They can arrange all of that online before departure.

I wouldn't go about making any suggestions though or supplying any details. They are adults and capable of sorting themselves out. Leave them to it and, if they take your message seriously, there's a chance they either won't come or might rein in the cheeky fuckery if they still do.

No way Hosea. I’m not even half your Mums age.
Preparing for and hosting 7 guests for 10 days would finish me off!

Don’t like it happen!

Don’t let it happen!

Are they insane or just scrounging inconsiderate CFs?

O

@LovePoppy

Of course they do - Americans and Canadians are always like this. *@ChickenStripper*

Please, tell me more about what we Canadians are like?

Well my experience is that if they host at home they really host you in a very generous way but they also expect that in return which is not really the done thing here - driving them about, staying with you regardless of situation, expecting you to join in with everything and jumping from person to person to avoid paying too much. I really believe there is a huge cultural difference in this.

OP - agree with others about not getting sucked into being 'guilt tripped' into solving their accomodation plans. They took a punt and they have been thwarted - tough shit on them.

Well still no reply to my last message .

I have now found out that this is not a single trip to “celebrate” a milestone birthday 2 months early but they are also visiting other younger relatives after.

So this is definitely them looking for free holiday accommodation to visit tourist sites rather than the fictional celebration for my mum.

Contemplating contacting another cousin apparently playing one of several hosts to see if she has heard anything. I am thinking my name is now muck in the States.

That cousin could maybe accommodate by using adult childrens’ , houses not sure . And they are only staying there a few nights too.

Getting my hard hat ready for WW3

They are most definitely trying to take advantage of your Mum's birthday to use that as an excuse to get free accommodation and everything else thrown in.

Maybe they think that because your parents were hosted by one of their (now deceased?) relatives, that they are 'owed' something back in return. Well they are not owed anything. It doesn't work that way, and if they think it does it just shows what scrounging idiots they are.

Please try not to feel guilty about it. You are quite right to intervene and prevent your parents from being taken advantage of in this way. If it causes conflict with them ,then so be it. As you say, put your hard hat on and commence battle.

Please try no

good lord...tell them to find alternative accommodation. Your parents must not have them stay; it'll be far too much for them to cope with. You have to let the family members that if they want to come here they need to find alternative arrangements and leave it at that. no need for you to find alternative accommodation; it's their call! God; some people!! SMH.

I suspect your name will be mud, but I'd take that over letting them near your parents!

If they're battening on to other relatives while over here, then they can just adjust their schedule to spend more time with those other mugs rellies, and none at your parents.

ESPECIALLY not straight off the fucking plane!!

@Somatronic

Fair play to you OP for standing up for your parents. My American cousins sent their senile mother who was in her late 80s to stay with my grandmother who is in her 90s indefinitely in 2020. They didn't ask us and she went along with it because she obviously wanted to spend time with her sister and knew we would have put a stop to it had we known.

It ended with granny breaking her hip when attending to her senile sister (her family didn't let on how senile she was of course) and she ended up spending months by herself in hospital including Christmas 2020. She has never been the same since. Can't walk or do anything for herself now. The Americans still pretend that it wasn't a completely insane, unreasonable, dangerous thing to do because they just wanted their mother to be someone else's problem for a while.

Make sure your cousins don't talk to your parents behind your back and be prepared to be the bad guy. And there's no such thing as nuance here. You'll have to be blunt. Good luck!

F8ck me! the bloody CF!! Your poor Granny; that is so sad for her. Hope you told your american family how fucking rude they are...god I'm mad for you/grannie!!

Stick to your guns, OP. Who cares if these chancers get sniffy about it - and the chances are that once the actual situation has been explained to them, they will realise they were unrealistic in their plans. There is no need for you to offer alternative ideas for accommodation etc. If you do, you will get dragged in as resident gofer and travel agent. Not your problem.
If you do not get cast-iron assurances that they are not going to bother your DPs, can you be there yourself at the relevant time to turn them away, or have your DPs visiting you then. Good luck with it all. Am really feeling it for you.

If you have still received no reply, you need to put in writing, by email, so there is no room for confusion or doubt.

It doesn't matter what they think, your parents' health and wellbeing is much more important.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Well still no reply to my last message .

I have now found out that this is not a single trip to “celebrate” a milestone birthday 2 months early but they are also visiting other younger relatives after.

So this is definitely them looking for free holiday accommodation to visit tourist sites rather than the fictional celebration for my mum.

Contemplating contacting another cousin apparently playing one of several hosts to see if she has heard anything. I am thinking my name is now muck in the States.

That cousin could maybe accommodate by using adult childrens’ , houses not sure . And they are only staying there a few nights too.

Getting my hard hat ready for WW3

Touchy situation re the 'other' cousin.

If you wanted to I suppose you could contact the cousin to 'clarify' that your parents are not hosting the American Cousins (AC). Possibly say "Wasn't sure who is up on what with AC coming over but wanted to let you know that Mum and Dad will not be hosting them when they're here in case that changes their dates with you. It's just too much for Mum and Dad at this stage in their lives".

It may be that 'other cousin' doesn't want to host them either but is doing so under the impression that your parents are so feels 'guilted' into doing the same.

Contemplating contacting another cousin apparently playing one of several hosts

I don’t really understand that, but do you mean there is a cousin living here who is also hosting these people? Was that after they’d been to your parents?

I would definitely contact this cousin and say, ‘do you know what is happening with the free-riding overseas family members? They were hoping to stay with my parents for ten days (without a car!) but as you can imagine now my parents are in their 90s, that won’t be happening. Are they all staying with you now?’

You’ll get a response, I’m sure!!

I appreciate that this changes your plans somewhat however am happy to help you find alternative accommodation.

I think I'd probably not offer this as American Cousins sound like liberty takers and expect the OP to do more research than she wants to. Especially as OP is c200 miles away anyway, I think?

They can research the internet just as OP could and, perhaps, ask her advice once they've found some options - if they still decide to visit along the lines they wanted. Though I suspect their initial idea of descending on OP's parents is being rethought. 🌹

I’d start to get a bit worried if they don’t reply to confirm they are not staying with your parents.