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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vegas and Strippers

254 replies

Hexagonmum · 14/02/2022 00:15

So my DH is off to Vegas for his brothers stag do. There's a whole bunch of them going together which is fine as they'll have a great time.
My concern is I've overheard them on their video chat speaking of going to a strip joint.

I don't want my DH going to a strip joint, like what the actual fuck, just because it's a stag do doesn't mean they have to act like idiots and all excited about seeing strippers, it makes me sick as to how sleazy men are.

I spoke to him after his video chat and he said if all his boys are going to the strip joint he doesn't want to be the only one not going. I told him that I class it as cheating and for him to make his decision but not to lie to me and to tell me the truth if he ends up going or not.

I'm standing firm on this.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 13:35

@MissMaple82

It's not cheating though, it's also kind of the norm whilst in Vegas. What do you think is going to happen? Him run off and fall in love with a Vegas stripper!
& mugging is the norm in New York. Doesn't mean he has to mug someone.
RealBecca · 14/02/2022 13:37

You've said you dont want him to go, he has said he will anyway. So why are you getting all her up and waiting for the inevitable? If it's a deal breaker then end it now. Better than waiting and stressing and then having to deal with it anyway.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 13:38

@MissMaple82

If your girlfriends were doing a male strippers hen night would you be so offended and not go? Would you think your fella give a toss?
No, I wouldn't go, & if it were sprung on me, I would leave.

I wouldn't GAF what my 'fella' thought about it. It's my principle to uphold, not his. Although I wouldn't be with a man who is pro-sex industry anyway.

catgirl1976 · 14/02/2022 13:40

I don’t see it as cheating but I would be disgusted with DH if he went to one because of the objectification and commodification of women.

I know when he was in his 20s he’s been to one or two (he said they were pretty grim) but he nearly 50 now and if he did something like that rather than being able to say to his friends “no thanks I think it’s seedy, grim, immature and harmful to women” I’d lose all respect for him.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 14/02/2022 13:42

& mugging is the norm in New York

No it isnt 😂😂

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 13:44

@OldTinHat

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. All this pearl clutching smacks of insecurity.
Grin Grin Grin

What insecurity? What pearls?

I object to the sex industry, the exploitation of women, & the commodification of women's bodies for male profit & titillation.

Explain to me how that objection comes from insecurity, @OldTinHat?
What exactly do you think I am "insecure" about?

SoleBlueWhisper · 14/02/2022 13:48

@Summerfun54321

I miss read the title as “vegans” and strippers 😂.
🤣🤣
ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 13:49

@EllaVaNight Flowers

Tamworth123 · 14/02/2022 13:52

Licensed strip clubs are heavily moderated by the council. The cameras and audio recordings often have to be available as part of the licensing agreement. They can be inspected at a moments notice. They send in undercover Council workers wearing secret cameras to proposition the dancers to see if they will perform extras, capitulate to meeting afterwards for money, or if drugs are available. They exist to make money for the owner, as well as the dancer. They are not going to risk getting their licence revoked from dancers performing extras.

This has been shown to be deeply flawed by exposes. There have been several.

Oh and I know Met cops who go into strip.clubs and brothels and use prostitutes so ...

It's a joke.

LottyD32 · 14/02/2022 13:57

If op starts laying down the law, all that will happen is that when they get back they'll clam up stick to 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas'.

I'd jog him on now, save wasting more time on him.

5128gap · 14/02/2022 13:58

@OldTinHat

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. All this pearl clutching smacks of insecurity.
What nonsense this is. Nothing smacks of insecurity more than a woman who is prepared to go along with whatever takes a man's fancy rather than set and maintain her boundaries. It really isn't necessary to agree to everything a man wants. There's plenty of them after all, so there's no need to compromise to keep one whose behaviour falls short of your ethical standards. Secure women know this.
MsVanDeKamp · 14/02/2022 13:58

I wouldnt have a problem him going, but your red line is your red line. I personally went to watch Magic Mike in Vegas recently for my friends 40th and it was fantastic so I doubt I would have a leg to stand on if I told DH not to go somewhere.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 14:01

@burnthur5t

You don't own him. If he wants to go he can and will
He's saying he doesn't want to but will because his friends are. He needs to learn to stand up for himself one way or another.
BABAHOTEL · 14/02/2022 14:03

It's no one else's decision, it's yours. It sounds like he intends to go but maybe it will change his mind and not go if you leave now

But the issue is that he intended to do it knowing how you felt and maybe your leaving will change his mind but you've had to force him. Surely it's the intention that's the issue, the fact he feels morally differently to you.

So sadly you're in a no win situation.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 14:04

@ChampagneLassie

I think it is so hard to find someone and there are so many checks and balances in a relationship I'm surprised this is a fight you'd pick. MOST men go to strip clubs on stag do's my exH went to many stag-dos they almost all involved strip clubs and I never heard of anyone not participating b/c of their OH. To try to dictate this seems somewhat emasculating. I don't see how it computes as cheating. I think the danger you have is he will go an lie to you or he won't go and he'll resent you. I do think the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I bet you wouldn't like the bawdy talk or any number of other things he does with his mates. Try to forget about it.
For.Fucks.Sake.

Just turn a blind eye OP, because boys will be boys.

@ChampagneLassie I'm sorry that most of the men YOU know are sleazy arseholes. But ubiquity doesn't excuse behaviour. If most of the men in your life were street muggers, would you tell OP to "try to forget about" getting mugged?

& btw - if your man feels emasculated by a woman objecting to the sex industry, he was never much of a man in the first place.

Have you never wondered why most men you know are strip club enthusiasts, & you never seem to meet any with decent standards? Might it be because your bar is so low you accept their behaviour for fear of being without a man?
Would you feel happy if you had a DD, & she worked in a strip joint?

BABAHOTEL · 14/02/2022 14:04

He's saying he doesn't want to but will because his friends are. He needs to learn to stand up for himself one way or another.

Sorry this doesn't wash. He's not 16!

If my friends said we're going to a ballet. I'd decline as I hate them.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 14:09

@Dollybirds

The women choose this profession obviously they are happy enough!
Yeah, just like the tiny kids who chose chimney sweeping as a profession, & the salt mine workers who were so happy in their work. See also diamond mines & drug mules. All above board, no exploitation, nothing to see here, move along back to your comfortable purblind suburban life ...

Your blissful ignorance must be a comfort to you @Dollybirds.

PollyPage · 14/02/2022 14:09

Stip clubs depress me on a general feminist principle but I wouldn't see it as cheating. But I couldn't imagine sharing a life with the type of man who does 'lads' holidays, banter and all the other bullshit that goes with it. He doesn't sound very intelligent.

PollyPage · 14/02/2022 14:11

So many responses on here are unutterably depressing. Boy will be boys??? It's not 1957 ffs.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 14:11

@Katya213

It’s what men do on their lunch breaks, especially if they work in London, lot worse than a strip joint……..
There's a lot worse than a punch to the face too @Katya213, but I dare say you wouldn't enjoy one?
ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 14:18

@nettytree

Have you ever been to see the chippendales or watched magic Mike on TV. It amounts to the same thing in my eyes. Channing tatum has the body of a god, but I would pick my chubby husband any day. Trust him.
For crying out loud the ignorance & complacency of some women on this thread is astounding.

@nettytree - 89% of sex workers desperately wish to leave the trade.
Compare & contrast that with your whoever-the-fuck-he-is Magic Mike & the Chippendales, who get well paid, are not pimped, trafficked, sexually abused or beaten, & are vanishingly unlikely to have been coerced into the industry as young boys.

Go & read @EllaVaNight's posts, & come back & tell me the sex industry is all jolly fun & empowerment for women.
And then have a serious word with yourself.

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 14:18

I would see insecure more as simply accepting DP going to a strip club and chuckling to myself at home about how "boys will be boys" while he leered at naked women and spent family money on doing so. Although I suppose it would give me an early night so I could be up to make his breakfast nice and early in case he's tired and hungover after all those manly shenanigans. 🤦‍♀️

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 14:23

@flowervest75

I can’t wait to go to America (especially Atlanta) and go to a strip club again. I had the time of my life😂

I think it’s a bit drastic to view it as cheating. It’s not as if he’ll be going into the back room for a private service is it? However if you’re not happy with it then that’s that. Hopefully he stays put and doesn’t go. Wouldn’t really be worth throwing a relationship away just for a few hours of fun

Your privilege is showing @flowervest75

So happy for you having a few hours of fun.
So nice that you can raise yourself above the unpleasantness of sex trafficking, daily abuse, & the fact that 89% of sex workers dearly wish they had a path out of the industry.

Would you like to tell survivors like @EllaVaNight all about the fun you have, exploiting other women so you can have the time of your life?

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 14:26

I'm sure they exist, bit they won't be hard to spot and avoid.

This is rather a naive view given your industry experience @TheRealityCheque.

Did you skate past Ella's post? - The one where she made it 100% clear that there was no way to distinguish between willing sex workers & those who had been coerced? (in survivor Ella's case, from the age of 12 ffs).

WheekestLink · 14/02/2022 14:32

I don't see it as cheating, but I would actually rather he cheated on me with a consenting adult than he went to an establishment like this where women are degraded and seen as objects.

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