Page 7 | Vegas and Strippers

Hexagonmum · 2022-02-14T00:15:38+00:00

So my DH is off to Vegas for his brothers stag do. There's a whole bunch of them going together which is fine as they'll have a great time. My concern is I've overheard them on their video chat speaking of going to a strip joint. I don't want my DH going to a strip joint, like what the actual fuck, just because it's a stag do doesn't mean they have to act like idiots and all excited about seeing strippers, it makes me sick as to how sleazy men are. I spoke to him after his video chat and he said if all his boys are going to the strip joint he doesn't want to be the only one not going. I told him that I class it as cheating and for him to make his decision but not to lie to me and to tell me the truth if he ends up going or not. I'm standing firm on this.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 14/02/2022 12:03

Have you discussed it with the fiancée, OP? I wonder what she thinks about them going to a strip club - if he’s told her.

Bostromani · 14/02/2022 12:04

My other half went to a hen do a few years ago, and they had ' Butlers in the Buff' serving drinks etc.

It's that common, she didn't even think to mention it before hand, or check if it was OK with me .

Apparently one of the hens shagged one of the butlers..no big deal, both were single although she was quite a bit older than him.

Can you imagine the uproar if this was the other way round? in fact, I don't really think there is a female equivalent of ' Butlers in the buff' ....and quite rightly as well.

There's also no male equivalent of another hen do staple, which is going to see ' Magic Mike' or the ' Full Monty' at the theatre, where exasperated theatre ushers have to deal with pissed, leering women.

I'm not saying going to Vegas to see strippers is great, and if it's a deal breaker for you then so be it, but don't just assume what's going to happen there either, and think on that women have the equivalent and more of these things going on at the moment, and you wouldn't make judgements about them I guess?. ( and don't get me started on the Chippendales/Dream Boys phenomenon of the 90's) .

FluffyPersian · 14/02/2022 12:05

OP - I don't see it as cheating, but I do believe it's disrespectful and I wouldn't tolerate it within my relationship.

To the people saying 'What are you gonna do? Divorce him?' I would say yes - I would. My Husband knows my boundaries and he knew them before we married. Just because we're married, doesn't mean I'm going to tolerate anything I didn't tolerate before.

I've never seen the Dreamboys, nor have I ever seen a male stripper - not my thing, find it distasteful. If I realised one was around on a night out / Hen Do - I'd just quietly leave the room without making a fuss.

My Husband (before we were married) went to a stag night out - he went back to the hotel when the others went to a strip club. I don't see why your Husband can't do it in Vegas? But that's the thing - I imagine he could, he's choosing not to.

So - The question is.... if he does go to the strip club - what are your actions going to be? You can't (and shouldn't) control his, but you can control yours........ Everyone has their own standards - Mine are completely inline with yours but probably very different to others - I don't care, I'm comfortable with mine and I don't believe you should change yours either.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/02/2022 12:13

Sorry but have you ever met a sex worker? They are people not stereotypes or your thoughts on what it is.

@CatNameChange101 has it occurred to you that many of us who are critical of the sex industry got that way because we personally know and like women who are, or who have been, prostitutes? I am so tired of the "you must think that way because you are uneducated". Yeah, no, I know quite enough about it, thanks, to know that I don't respect men who use prostitutes.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2022 12:13

It's not up to you either to dictate his boundaries

Correct. Op’s only responsibility is her own boundaries and her husband can choose to cross them or not

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 12:14

@Bostromani

My other half went to a hen do a few years ago, and they had ' Butlers in the Buff' serving drinks etc.

It's that common, she didn't even think to mention it before hand, or check if it was OK with me .

Apparently one of the hens shagged one of the butlers..no big deal, both were single although she was quite a bit older than him.

Can you imagine the uproar if this was the other way round? in fact, I don't really think there is a female equivalent of ' Butlers in the buff' ....and quite rightly as well.

There's also no male equivalent of another hen do staple, which is going to see ' Magic Mike' or the ' Full Monty' at the theatre, where exasperated theatre ushers have to deal with pissed, leering women.

I'm not saying going to Vegas to see strippers is great, and if it's a deal breaker for you then so be it, but don't just assume what's going to happen there either, and think on that women have the equivalent and more of these things going on at the moment, and you wouldn't make judgements about them I guess?. ( and don't get me started on the Chippendales/Dream Boys phenomenon of the 90's) .

Do the actors/performers get groped or trafficked? Do the "pissed, leering women" grope them during private dances in secluded rooms?

I don't like any of the things you've mentioned either, although for it being so common I've never been to a hen do with any sort of male nudity involved and nor would I want to, but can you really not see a difference in watching Robert Carlyle in The Full Monty and a woman, often not through choice, dancing for men in a strip club? I doubt she has the money, privilege and star treatment he receives at work.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 14/02/2022 12:14

@FluffyPersian yes. Exactly.

The people who expect nothing better of men or dismiss it as a quick ogle might not see it as grounds for divorce.

Personally, though, clear evidence that he’s a misogynistic idiot or too weak to not go along with peer pressure to be one is definitely a reason for me to divorce. I’d be asking myself how I’d failed to notice his values were so at odds with my own.

wineandroses1 · 14/02/2022 12:17

@AnyFucker

You need to work out how to work through this as a couple

This has fuck-all to do with them as a “couple” and everything to do with him acting like a pathetic selfish arsehole

As always, AnyFucker is correct!

ArcheryAnnie · 14/02/2022 12:18

EllaVaNight

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2022 12:18

He's told me if they end up going to a strip joint he will go but he won't do anything as he will never jeopardise us

So if he doesn't want to be the only one "not doing something", how's that going to work if the rest have lapdances or whatever?

Just watching wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me personally, but it's a problem for you and I respect that. Fortunately you've been clear with him about this, so while you can't actually stop him the choice is his

ConfusedParticle · 14/02/2022 12:19

this would put me of fucking a guy, generally, a real turn off.

so yeh, guess he ought to worry how he is perceived, that it makes him less attractive to women, and he needs to put more effort in to making himself more attractive, instead

like, honestly it would make me start looking at other men tbh. My attentions would wander. You have to prioritise your own needs like men throughout history always have, and make sure he measures up. If he doesn't, well you can't be blamed for having your head turned by others, especially those who don't get involved with cheesy, sleazy turn off shit like strip joints, lol.

Is he a bit insecure in the bedroom? Sounds old fashioned and a bit desperate to me. Yuk.

blanketyblanked · 14/02/2022 12:21

I think a strip club as a one off with his mates and no dances would be okay as a sort of one final (pathetic I know) bachelor hurrah. I would see that as preferable as hiring one private stripper to come to you for a dance. It's kind of the point of the stag do, in a way all, that you grit your teeth to and you would be naive to not expect it to happen if they are going to las Vegas

gogohm · 14/02/2022 12:26

The Vegas clubs don't bother me as much, sleazy yes but no more than porn, it's the brothels outside of Vegas that would be the red line

whynotwhatknot · 14/02/2022 12:29

I used to go and see the chippendales show in the nineties-theres no private dance for money or extras-they do get a couple of women up for a lapdance but thats in the show

i dont think thats the same a a strip club

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 12:38

@Cognoscenti

So... how do you tell the difference between a woman who is choosing to work as a stripper and one who is being forced to dance and smile for fear of what will happen if she doesn't?

Licensed strip clubs are heavily moderated by the council. The cameras and audio recordings often have to be available as part of the licensing agreement. They can be inspected at a moments notice. They send in undercover Council workers wearing secret cameras to proposition the dancers to see if they will perform extras, capitulate to meeting afterwards for money, or if drugs are available. They exist to make money for the owner, as well as the dancer. They are not going to risk getting their licence revoked from dancers performing extras.

It is unlikely that trafficked women would be working in this sort of club because there's too much room for the chance that the dancer (or rather, their pimp) wouldn't make money. And the club takes a huge cut of the money. Trafficked and prostituted women would be in clubs that are essentially brothels run by their pimp.

weansu · 14/02/2022 12:39

The strip clubs in Vegas are pretty extreme from my experience.

peboh · 14/02/2022 12:43

Wether or not others see it as cheating, you do op. It's a boundary for you, and your husband should respect that. What would you do if he does go? The issue here is he's already made it clear he wants to because he doesn't want to be the odd one out , so even if he tells you he won't can you really trust that he's telling you the truth?

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 12:44

Just to caveat, that above is based on my experience and opinion, someone else's may/will be entirely different.

burnthur5t · 14/02/2022 12:53

You don't own him. If he wants to go he can and will

5128gap · 14/02/2022 13:06

If you frame it as cheating I think you've lost the battle. There is no way he is ever going to see it that way, and will tell himself, and you, that you're just being unreasonably jealous and insecure. He will be completely backed up by 'his boys' on this and it will just be a collective eye roll 'women!' thing. I think you stand more chance of influencing him by voicing your ethical objections (presuming you have them, and he's a decent man) and being absolutely clear of the consequences for your respect for him if he goes. If your objections aren't ethical but are rooted in jealousy, I think you'll need to resign yourself to him going and decide whether you can get past it.

ChateauMargaux · 14/02/2022 13:09

I am also read it as vegans and strippers..

Blanketpolicy · 14/02/2022 13:25

I just don't get it. Why ruin a relationship for a seedy trip...It 100% will change how I view him if he ends up going to a strip joint

If it ruins your relationship you need to take equal responsibility for it. He has as much right to go a legal licensed strip joint as a one off during a stag trip to vegas as you have to tell him it is personal deal breaker for you. It may be a deal breaker for him to be controlled in this way and for you not to trust him. If that ruins your relationship it is an incompatibility between you, not solely his fault.

It would absolutely be a personal deal breaker for me if dh wanted to go to a strip clubs for nights out with friends or if he wanted to watch porn as we would simply no longer be compatible. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum that it would ruin our relationship as it is not up to me to tell him what he is allowed to do. As a small part of a one off special trip to Las Vegas on a stag night organised by the groom/best man, I'd turn a blind eye.

dh did a special Las Vegas trip once when his friend turned 50. He was looking forward to seeing the place, the shows, the casinos and being away with the lads. They all went to a strip club, he said most of them felt awkward and uncomfortable in the place, the drink prices were ridiculous, they didn't stay for long.

I trust him and believe him, if I didn't I wouldn't have been with him for the last 32 years. IME relationships that require someone to have to defer to another person to save their relationship don't tend not to last long, or even worse continue on unhealthily with resentment building making both parties miserable, as the couple are simply incompatible.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 13:30

It will be awkward for him if he has to say he isn't allowed

Aaaaaw @twiggy19 so glad someone is here to speak up for the menz feelz.

Can't have men feeling awkward about objectifying, perving over, & exploiting women, can we now?

I wouldn't stay with a man who went to a strip joint. Or one who was too feeble to object & sit it out if his mates did. They wouldn't be manly enough for me to have any respect for.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 13:32

Sorry but have you ever met a sex worker? They are people not stereotypes or your thoughts on what it is.

Sorry but have you ever met a woman? They are people not stereotypes & as individuals it is perfectly valid for them to object to the sex industry, @CatNameChange101

WomblingWilma · 14/02/2022 13:33

What I would ask women who have no problem with their partner going to a strip club is, would you be totally OK with going out to a club or pub with him and watching him staring at and getting sexually aroused at scantily dressed women dancing in front of you or staring at women’s bums or boobs in the street when you’re out with him? Or another woman putting her bare boobs or vagina in front of him and seeing him getting off on it in front of you? Sliding his hands in another woman’s g-string in front of you (whether or not to put money in)?

If not (and the vast majority of women wouldn’t be!) why is him going to a strip club any different?