Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vegas and Strippers

254 replies

Hexagonmum · 14/02/2022 00:15

So my DH is off to Vegas for his brothers stag do. There's a whole bunch of them going together which is fine as they'll have a great time.
My concern is I've overheard them on their video chat speaking of going to a strip joint.

I don't want my DH going to a strip joint, like what the actual fuck, just because it's a stag do doesn't mean they have to act like idiots and all excited about seeing strippers, it makes me sick as to how sleazy men are.

I spoke to him after his video chat and he said if all his boys are going to the strip joint he doesn't want to be the only one not going. I told him that I class it as cheating and for him to make his decision but not to lie to me and to tell me the truth if he ends up going or not.

I'm standing firm on this.

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/02/2022 10:34

Sorry but have you ever met a sex worker? They are people not stereotypes or your thoughts on what it is.

////

I think it's a pretty obvious given that the "sex work" industry is not a healthy place for a woman to be nor is it an industry geared up for the best interests of the women who work in it.

I think anyone who views it as ok is probably living in cloud cuckoo stereotype land, thinking it's all Pretty Woman and Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

Stath · 14/02/2022 10:34

A good article here about how the majority of sex workers are trafficked/groomed/manipulated.

verilymag.com/.amp/2021/02/sex-work-worker-porn-prostitution-stripping-sex-trafficking-2021

Can’t believe the posters comparing the total false equivalent of ‘male strippers at a hen night’ with men exploiting women in strip clubs Hmm

May as well say

‘why are women and girls scared of walking alone at night? Men are equally as scared of assault/being murdered/raped by a lone woman whilst in the same situation’ Angry

Men are afraid of women laughing at them. Women are afraid of men killing them.

Trainbear · 14/02/2022 10:35

@Summerfun54321

I miss read the title as “vegans” and strippers 😂.
Love it. Given that vegans are won't to inform you of their Choice

" Hello my name's Candy and before I show you my tits, meat is murder. Have a nice day "

DoNotTouchTheWater · 14/02/2022 10:38

I think extremely poorly of any man who goes to strip clubs. It’s always inherently seedy and misogynistic.

I’d tell a partner that it would change my opinion of them to the point that I’d find them repulsive and wouldn’t want them near my body. Their choice if they want to go and gawp at women. But also my choice about who has access to my body.

I wouldn’t consider it cheating. But I’d consider it a sign of personal values I can’t accept in a partner.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 14/02/2022 10:39

I wouldn’t go to a hen night with male strippers either. I have literally no interest in that whatsoever.

Stath · 14/02/2022 10:39

@EllaVaNight

I used to be in the sex industry. The men paying for "consent" had no idea I'd been forced into it from the age of 12. They didn't care as long as their needs were met.

I wouldn't be with anyone who thought paying for consent was ok. People like that sicken me. My partner and I were friends first so I knew his stance on porn/strip clubs etc before he knew about my past.

OP he knows it's a dealbreaker and he doesn't care. He's happy to watch women perform for him when he has no idea if they want to be there or if they're forced to be.

Yes a tiny minority enjoy their work. I used to lie to myself and others and say I did when all I felt was disgust and shame.

THIS quote from the amazing survivor @EllaVaNight should be made a sticky on every single post about these men who use prostituted women (which is paid rape) and are visiting strip clubs.
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/02/2022 10:40

For those posters comparing male and female dancers ...it's highly unlikely the man will have been trafficked, subject to sexual abuse or attack from punters and employer.

Oh, and if you fancy having your stomach turned look up UK Punting. If there are any "reviews" of men by females, I doubt they are as nasty and graphic as the delightful ones left by men about women.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/02/2022 10:42

@EllaVaNight

I used to be in the sex industry. The men paying for "consent" had no idea I'd been forced into it from the age of 12. They didn't care as long as their needs were met.

I wouldn't be with anyone who thought paying for consent was ok. People like that sicken me. My partner and I were friends first so I knew his stance on porn/strip clubs etc before he knew about my past.

OP he knows it's a dealbreaker and he doesn't care. He's happy to watch women perform for him when he has no idea if they want to be there or if they're forced to be.

Yes a tiny minority enjoy their work. I used to lie to myself and others and say I did when all I felt was disgust and shame.

God Ella, I'm so sorry for what happened to you Thanks
YoungBritishPissArtist · 14/02/2022 10:43

The PPs saying “going to a strip club isn’t cheating”, maybe not in your relationship but every couple has their own boundaries on what constitutes cheating and the OP has clearly stated hers!

AnyFucker · 14/02/2022 10:45

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

I wouldn’t be there in the first place/ would leave if it happened

DoNotTouchTheWater · 14/02/2022 10:47

@YoungBritishPissArtist

The PPs saying “going to a strip club isn’t cheating”, maybe not in your relationship but every couple has their own boundaries on what constitutes cheating and the OP has clearly stated hers!
I think cheating is misclassifying the problem. The reason this is awful and would be a dealbreaker for me is not that it’s merely cheating, but that it’s indicative to an absolutely abhorrent attitude to women.
DoNotTouchTheWater · 14/02/2022 10:48

@AnyFucker

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

I wouldn’t be there in the first place/ would leave if it happened

Me too.

I cannot imagine any of my friends wanting a male stripper at a hen do. Certainly, they’d be in no way surprised that I was most definitely not interested in participating.

SarahJessicaPorker · 14/02/2022 10:50

Yep, I'd feel the same tbh. I wouldn't stay with a man in his forties who went to a strip club. I know people say "huh huh huh, chuckle chuckle, well LOTS of men do it, you're well naive" "I'm a lapdancer and I'm always getting asked for dances from respectable married men". I can live with that. I wouldn't be with "LOTS of men" or the "respectable married men" who seem to be queuing up for a 20yo to grind on them then. It's a pretty clear red line for me and if a dp of mine decided a lap dance was worth splitting up over then he's a bit of a fuckwit.

I also don't have any time for men who routinely or who have routinely used sex workers or who defend doing so. Even as a platonic friend. Again, if LOTS of men do it heh heh heh Hmm, then that's LOTS of men i won't associate with

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 10:50

@EllaVaNight

Yes it's sleazy but it's Vegas not a seedy place in Prague. It's not like he can pay £50 more and start touching/getting sexual favours. In every single strip club I was forced to work in paying for "extras" was common.
And just to counter this, every strip club I worked in touching was an absolute no-no, and dancers would be sacked on the spot for encouraging it. Same for propositions and extras. It wasn't worth it to the clubs licence.

Just goes to show that they should all be shut down, doesn't it.

I'm so, so sorry for your experience, you are incredibly brave and I hope you are now free, healthy and happy. Flowers

ChampagneLassie · 14/02/2022 10:52

I think it is so hard to find someone and there are so many checks and balances in a relationship I'm surprised this is a fight you'd pick. MOST men go to strip clubs on stag do's my exH went to many stag-dos they almost all involved strip clubs and I never heard of anyone not participating b/c of their OH. To try to dictate this seems somewhat emasculating. I don't see how it computes as cheating. I think the danger you have is he will go an lie to you or he won't go and he'll resent you. I do think the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I bet you wouldn't like the bawdy talk or any number of other things he does with his mates. Try to forget about it.

Katya213 · 14/02/2022 10:53

I used to work in the bar of a strip joint in London. Tbh around 75% of blokes in there were married, they watched the strippers had a drink and were gone in an hour.

SarahJessicaPorker · 14/02/2022 10:57

@Katya213

I used to work in the bar of a strip joint in London. Tbh around 75% of blokes in there were married, they watched the strippers had a drink and were gone in an hour.
Doesn't really seem worth splitting up with a LTP over then, does it? A drink and an oggle and out within an hour.

There is also something deeply unattractive about a man who can't stick to his own principles when he's around other men. I avoid guys like this at all costs. If they don't really want to be there at all, their partner really finds it offensive that they are there and the only reason they're ploughing on and having a drink and a one hour show is because "I don't want my cool friends to pick on me if I don't go" at r?the age of 40+, that is really unattractive to me

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/02/2022 10:58

AnyFucker

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

“I wouldn’t be there in the first place/ would leave if it happened“

Neither would I. I don’t know anyone who would want that, anyway.

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 11:01

@ChampagneLassie

I think it is so hard to find someone and there are so many checks and balances in a relationship I'm surprised this is a fight you'd pick. MOST men go to strip clubs on stag do's my exH went to many stag-dos they almost all involved strip clubs and I never heard of anyone not participating b/c of their OH. To try to dictate this seems somewhat emasculating. I don't see how it computes as cheating. I think the danger you have is he will go an lie to you or he won't go and he'll resent you. I do think the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I bet you wouldn't like the bawdy talk or any number of other things he does with his mates. Try to forget about it.
My partner wouldn't, and hasn't. He was excited for a rare night out with old colleagues, until they wanted to go to a strip club and he decided not to go. I only found out when I asked him if he was eating at home before going out the next day, he said he wasn't going anymore, I asked why... 🤷‍♀️

If most men do it, and would find it emasculating that it's not an attractive trait to a lot of women, I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with any of them.
After hearing from a poster who survived being forced into the sex trade, I'm even more surprised that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for some.

I'm not insecure either, I don't see why that's been mentioned in earlier posts, unless it's assumed that women who wouldn't be happy with their partners attending strip clubs are jealous of the workers' looks/bodies? Either way, if it was the case and I wasn't good enough for my partner, why would I want to stay with him?

DoNotTouchTheWater · 14/02/2022 11:01

@ChampagneLassie

I think it is so hard to find someone and there are so many checks and balances in a relationship I'm surprised this is a fight you'd pick. MOST men go to strip clubs on stag do's my exH went to many stag-dos they almost all involved strip clubs and I never heard of anyone not participating b/c of their OH. To try to dictate this seems somewhat emasculating. I don't see how it computes as cheating. I think the danger you have is he will go an lie to you or he won't go and he'll resent you. I do think the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I bet you wouldn't like the bawdy talk or any number of other things he does with his mates. Try to forget about it.
Honestly, I’d rather be single than be with a man who felt that the right to ogle naked women was key to his masculinity and any objection to it emasculating.

Lowering the bar for men to the floor seems to be so common.

Dollybirds · 14/02/2022 11:02

The girls in the strip joint aren’t remotely interested in your husband. It’s solely a job for them. They dance.

I wouldn’t have an issue with my dp going to a strip joint. I’d probably ask him what the girls were like and we’d have a laugh about it

Are you uncomfortable because he’s looking at another girl semi naked? He probably looks at porn all the tie and does the same

SarahJessicaPorker · 14/02/2022 11:04

The girls in the strip joint aren’t remotely interested in your husband.

Exactly; that's the problem. There are few things worse to me than a creepy man. And men sitting round watching women, (usually much younger than they are, so there is an added layer to the power imbalance there), dancing around for their pleasure when the women as you say have ZERO interest in them sexually, is massively creepy.

Dollybirds · 14/02/2022 11:07

The women choose this profession obviously they are happy enough!

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 11:08

@Dollybirds

The women choose this profession obviously they are happy enough!
I see you haven't read the full thread.
girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 11:09

@Dollybirds

The women choose this profession obviously they are happy enough!
Read the room; Jesus Christ. Read the responses from the woman who was forced into it at the age of 12 and tell us again they choose this profession.