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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Vegas and Strippers

254 replies

Hexagonmum · 14/02/2022 00:15

So my DH is off to Vegas for his brothers stag do. There's a whole bunch of them going together which is fine as they'll have a great time.
My concern is I've overheard them on their video chat speaking of going to a strip joint.

I don't want my DH going to a strip joint, like what the actual fuck, just because it's a stag do doesn't mean they have to act like idiots and all excited about seeing strippers, it makes me sick as to how sleazy men are.

I spoke to him after his video chat and he said if all his boys are going to the strip joint he doesn't want to be the only one not going. I told him that I class it as cheating and for him to make his decision but not to lie to me and to tell me the truth if he ends up going or not.

I'm standing firm on this.

OP posts:

crabappleof · 14/02/2022 09:44

I'm sure there are men who aren't interested in this sort of thing but IME most men are, and would go if they thought they could get away with it.

giggly · 14/02/2022 09:45

Perhaps the conversation with your dh and his friends should be around if they are happy to be involved in the exploitation of woman and young girls and people trafficking for the sex industry because that’s what we are talking about here.
Ask him if he is bothered about who gets the money he is going to spend there and if he is happy to contribute towards what is generally organised crime and he’s ok with that , then again that’s a different conversation.
I absolutely cannot be doing with anyone who get gets righteous about woman’s choice, for those of you that think this, go spend a weekend in the sex industry and come back and argue that.
Men who think it’s ok to go to strip clubs are sleazy fuckers who use Vegas etc as an excuse to leer and exploit woman, unless of course he’d be happy with that as a a career choice for you?

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 14/02/2022 09:45

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

I think you need to lighten up a bit.

ANameChangeAgain · 14/02/2022 09:46

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. All this pearl clutching smacks of insecurity.
Having boundaries isn't insecurity.

giggly · 14/02/2022 09:50

@Wnkingawalrus

What did you think they were going to be doing in Vegas?!

This is exactly why what goes on tour, stays on tour. Literally no good will come from wives and girlfriends knowing the group went to a strip club. And more to the point, really no harm would come from it either.

Some one who has no idea or not in the least bit interested in the sex industry or the trafficking of woman and young girls. Shame on you.

ExtraPlinky · 14/02/2022 09:50

Deal breaker for me.
Men who think they have the right to buy womens bodies are disgusting.

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 09:53

I was a stripper for a long time, and with most stag groups there was at one member of the group who had promised his partner that he wasn't going to go in, or get a dance, or speak to the dancers etc. 99% of the time they did have a dance.

There were a few exceptions when the stag would say "come on, let's go get Dave, he wouldn't come in so he's sat in spoons" and after the stag had had a dance, they'd all trot off to fetch Dave and get on with their night.

If your partner isn't effusive about not going in with them from the absolute off and communicated that with the group, then I'd assume he was going to go in with them.

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 09:57

@Seasidemumma77

My DP went along with his mates, on a stag do, to a strip bar. He is still 'a legend' in the eyes of his mates, for getting chucked out of the strip bar for sitting with his back to the entertainment and answering his emails on his phone. Whenever anyone talks about strippers, his mates proudly tell the story again

He got chucked out because he was on his phone in a strip club, and that's usually the second rule that the customers are told on the door after "do not touch the girls". Do not get your phone out. It puts the safety and privacy of the dancers at risk.

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 09:58

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

I think you need to lighten up a bit.

I'm normally one for treating situations as equally as possible, but I don't think these compare.

From what I understand, 99.9% of the time, a male stripper at a hen do will go down to his boxers or if he's fully naked, will hide it somehow so you aren't seeing full-on nudity.

At a strip club, at least some women will always at least be topless, you can pay for a private dance completely naked, and most of the time I hear a lot of women, whether willingly or not, will not enforce the no touching rule (which is even worse if they feel pressured into it).

FWIW I wouldn't stay at a hen do with a male stripper either.

planningtomakeaplan · 14/02/2022 09:59

@Linguini

01:17 Hexagonmum

A few years ago his best mate had a stag do and they went to a strip joint, he told them he wasn't going as it wouldn't be right and he went back to his hotel room.

Umm.... Just... Umm.....

Are you suggesting this isn't possible? Why on earth not?

DP isn't at all into strip clubs, partly as loads of our female mates worked in them when we were young, he knows what goes on in them (and what the women think of the men who go there).

Last time he went to a stag do where they ended up at a strip bar, he didn't want to go, and another of the group decides he wanted to join him too, and they went to a bar instead. This is possible

Strip clubs are exploitative and there are some men in the world who both recognise that, and are able to not let their dicks override their morals. Or, who just don't fancy it for whatever reason. They do exist.

DiscordandRhyme · 14/02/2022 10:01

Funny they act all manly and that but when they have to stand up to their friends they can't lose face.

Why would they want to go to a strip club? I don't see the point? It's not like they don't have a partner.

I think unfortunately your husband is a certain type of manor, he likes to hope he's one.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 14/02/2022 10:02

I wouldn’t like it, I’ve got to say. I’d be disappointed to realise my fella was one of those blokes who were happy to pay to leer over women. Especially as the father of late teen/early twenties daughters.

I’m pretty sure (going on previous stag do’s he’s attended) the events are more based around rally driving/axe throwing/zip lining followed by many beers, rather than strippers/lap dancers etc. I think it would be a difficult thing for ALL the blokes to hide regarding EVERY stag do he and they have been on, but I’d course I’m not completely naïve either. I just hope I’m right; it would certainly change how I felt about him.

If you’re not happy OP that’s entirely your prerogative.

planningtomakeaplan · 14/02/2022 10:04

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

I think you need to lighten up a bit.

It's entirely different. Male strippers are usually used to gently embarrass the bride, or entertain but it's not sexual titillation in the same way.

Female stripping is all about arousing the men. Private dances are pretty fucking explicit, do you have any idea what goes on in them? Think women bending over, putting their naked vulvas next to a man's face, or grinding in his lap.

It's a totally different dynamic.

ExtraPlinky · 14/02/2022 10:05

I know several sex workers.

Most of them are desperate to exit the sex trade. Many of them have been assaulted whilst working.
Some say they don't trust men enough to have a relationship with them. On stage or film they smile and grind and take their clothes off or perform sexual acts for men.

I'm sure there are also women who enjoy doing it. On stage or film they smile and grind and take their clothes off or perform sexual acts for men.

How does a man know which one is which?

OP stand your ground. He needs to say to his mates - look I'm not doing this because my partner thinks it's being disrespectful to our relationship (which it is) He needs to say that if there are any other men in the group who want to sit this part of the trip out, they could do something else.

I know men who are genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of stripe clubs and it might be that someone else in the group also gets a break from the childish peer pressure that adult men seem to sheepishly follow.

The husband sounds immature as fuck. I'd not be happy at all.

ExtraPlinky · 14/02/2022 10:09

@Hopefullyoneday12

I understand why you don't want him going. I never looked at my husband the same way after he had a lap dance on his stag do. Just made me realise he was one of those seedy, gross 'lads' after all. Along with all his mates who were also involved.

Why does someone getting married mean it's all cool for them to be looking at (and touching!) naked ladies. And it's not the same as watching porn. These women are right there in front of their boners.

I feel sorry for any woman whose husband after asking her to be married to him in law for the rest of her life shows his devotion by getting naked women to perform sex acts for him or to him.

Because what else is it?

ExtraPlinky · 14/02/2022 10:12

@OldTinHat

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. All this pearl clutching smacks of insecurity.

"Insecurity" or "jealousy" or "you are a prude" often get hurled as insults to women as a way to shame them and mock them and laugh at their boundaries. Is that your intention?

PermanentlyTired03 · 14/02/2022 10:13

I wouldn't consider it cheating- I'd be more annoyed that he'd spent loads of cash on strippers! Yes it's sleazy but it's Vegas not a seedy place in Prague. It's not like he can pay £50 more and start touching/getting sexual favours.
As a PP said- he'll just lie about not going.

Kshhuxnxk · 14/02/2022 10:15

DP went to his DB stag night and I knew they were likely to go to a strip joint. I simply told him I didn't want to know if they went to one. I would have liked him to make the choice himself not to go but left that up to him.

Kshhuxnxk · 14/02/2022 10:19

Oh and I should say he didn't go. Also a pop mentioned male strippers and although DP wouldn't care if I went to them I think strippers are strippers whatever the sex so I wouldn't go, nor naked butlers - heave!!

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 10:22

He's told me if they end up going to a strip joint he will go but he won't do anything as he will never jeopardise us.

And you've told him that if he goes you'd see it as cheating and he's choosing to do it anyway. That's jeapordising your relationship.

Why are some men so fucking gross?

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 10:23

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

If you were on a Hen do and a male stripper was booked would you be expecting your husband to divorce you?

I think you need to lighten up a bit.

I'd leave because that's disgusting too.

floatinginmyhomie · 14/02/2022 10:24

I hate strip clubs and my DH agrees they’re seedy. If you’re uncomfortable with it then that’s fine, you’re allowed boundaries and you’ve communicated this with him. Personally I’d have no respect for a man who went to a strip club and even less respect for one who didn’t want to go but did just to please his mates

EllaVaNight · 14/02/2022 10:27

I used to be in the sex industry. The men paying for "consent" had no idea I'd been forced into it from the age of 12. They didn't care as long as their needs were met.

I wouldn't be with anyone who thought paying for consent was ok. People like that sicken me. My partner and I were friends first so I knew his stance on porn/strip clubs etc before he knew about my past.

OP he knows it's a dealbreaker and he doesn't care. He's happy to watch women perform for him when he has no idea if they want to be there or if they're forced to be.

Yes a tiny minority enjoy their work. I used to lie to myself and others and say I did when all I felt was disgust and shame.

fantasmasgoria1 · 14/02/2022 10:27

Personally I would be very unhappy if my Fiance went to a strip club. I would tell him before hand it would be the end of us. As it is he's got no interest in a stag night although his friend said oh we will have to go out for your stag night and my Fiance rolled his eyes and mouthed to me I don't want one! 😂

EllaVaNight · 14/02/2022 10:29

Yes it's sleazy but it's Vegas not a seedy place in Prague. It's not like he can pay £50 more and start touching/getting sexual favours. In every single strip club I was forced to work in paying for "extras" was common.

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