What would YOU do?

[Lyonic]

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

It's the way the western world operates now aparently. All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair.

You sound fucking horrible.

I genuinely can't believe how many people CHOOSE to have children, expect other people to look after them and then whine about it when they get told no.

The OP wants a few hours, she will still be looking after them 🙄

@Jvg33 Parents who work are allowed a break. Did you miss the part where they are going to nursery. Unless she is doing a massive drip feed, the OP doesn't work. The nursery time is her break.

@HazelBite

Having had twin boys myself, I cannot believe you are even asking this. I in my 30's was run ragged with them at this age, far, far worse than my older two. I could write a book about their joint exploits. I am assuming your DM could be anything from late 50's to mid 60's? one child not unreasonable to expect some help, two of the same age who have an inbuilt rapport of mischieviousness, no way could you assume she should offer.

Even people who have had twins, don't believe you should have any help from your mum op. Not very supportive of giving you an alternative answer.

@Jvg33
Well , baby boomers had to contend with 12% interest on their mortgages, and very many had to lose out in negative equity totalling tens of thousands in the 80s/90s . We really struggled.

All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair.

🤣🤣🤣

@weansu

I genuinely can't believe how many people CHOOSE to have children, expect other people to look after them and then whine about it when they get told no.

The OP wants a few hours, she will still be looking after them 🙄

They are going to nursery soon. That's her break. And I think she would have mentioned by now if she was a single parent. So presumably, as these twins are so easy to look after, they have a dad who does exactly that on his own from time to time.

It’s not it takes a village to raise a family anymore

It is in my culture.

The baby boomers are selfish. They got house prices cheap, lots of family support for their children. But when it comes to helping out a little for their own children all the sudden it's a different story.

Easy on the tar brush there. My parents couldn't afford to buy their first house until I was 26. Not all 'baby boomers' could afford to, even though the prices were lower.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

The view off that high horse must be spectacular!
As a GP I have never had any permanent arrangement re child care but I am always here when needed for pick-ups, holiday cover etc. and I can assure you that we are also 'family orientated', despite all that!

@iklboo

The baby boomers are selfish. They got house prices cheap, lots of family support for their children. But when it comes to helping out a little for their own children all the sudden it's a different story.

Easy on the tar brush there. My parents couldn't afford to buy their first house until I was 26. Not all 'baby boomers' could afford to, even though the prices were lower.

Of course we are lovey, keep making that excuse to yourself for your own short-comings.

@Lesperance your post is irrelevant to my point. The OP has not said she doesn't expect to look after her own children.

Twins might just be too much for her, my mother looks after my toddler nephew one day a week and she's absolutely exhausted afterwards. She won't let on to his parents how hard she finds it in case that means she sees him less, but it takes a lot out of her.

You should definitely actually ask your mother because you're just assuming she won't look after your kids, but she's not getting any younger, she might not actually not be able to take adequate care of your twins.

Pretty sure OP is not a single parent, seeing as she described herself as a ‘new dad’ in a previous thread 😂

I'm not going to vote, but I will share this with you and it might be your answer.

I too was left in the care of my DGM as much as possible. Both my parents worked so taking school holidays off wasn't always possible and I actually don't have a memory of them doing so.

I do remember at a youngish age, my DGM saying once that I had been a mistake and it made sense considering other factors.

Fast forward to when I had DC, I had no offer of help at all. Actually, my Mother turned up and sat on her bottom being served cups of tea by myself (multiple internal and external stitches) when they visited.

That was it. My SIL was dotted on by her MIL (her own having died), baby washed and cared for while SIL recovered. It was a chasm between our experiences raising babies/children.

When DC was growing my parents took DC out a couple of times to the movies but never for longer than a couple of hours. Then they started to arrange medical appointments during school holidays, despite me not asking at all if they would like to spend time with DC.

In the end, DD got cranky because he wanted to see a different film than what DC wanted to see, so they didn't get to see either and that was the last that they ever went out together. I could probably count on one hand how many times this happened.

So my theory is, some parents didn't enjoy or want their children when they arrived, and certainly have no intention of repeating the experience with grandchildren. This sounds terribly hurtful, and I don't mean to say it to upset you, but perhaps this goes some way to explain grandparents behaviour... ?

[quote ButtockUp]@Jvg33
Well , baby boomers had to contend with 12% interest on their mortgages, and very many had to lose out in negative equity totalling tens of thousands in the 80s/90s . We really struggled.
[/quote]
15% - 18% at various times.

Well , baby boomers had to contend with 12% interest on their mortgages, and very many had to lose out in negative equity totalling tens of thousands in the 80s/90s . We really struggled.

But statistically that generation did have it good.

[quote ButtockUp]@Jvg33
Well , baby boomers had to contend with 12% interest on their mortgages, and very many had to lose out in negative equity totalling tens of thousands in the 80s/90s . We really struggled.
[/quote]
We don't have 12% intrest you're right, but our house prices are ten times what boomers paid and our wages aren't relative with the house price inflation

This is going to sound like a dig, but honestly, it's really not... Has it occurred to you that maybe you're just a better mother than she was?

Maybe she had extra help because she just couldn't cope. You seem to be asking for help to make things easier, not because you're outright struggling. There's a lot of grown up things that go on when we're small that just go over our heads.

If she was struggling then in the peak of her child-rearing years, she's probably not going to find it easier as an older person, especially with twins involved.

@Lyonic "just a different class of people" you're very ignorant. If you have a disability I'm sorry. But that does not excuse your attitude. Your mother does not have to offer you childcare. She's retired and rightfully enjoying her time. Just because she had childcare doesn't mean you should automatically expect her to offer? Maybe ask her and see what she says instead of being ignorant

Have you ever asked her if she can watch them on an occasional basis for an hour or two every now and again rather than weekly for example. She may not realise how much that would help you.

My children have four wonderful, hands on grandparents but all have been clear they do not want to provide regular childcare - they will happily do ad hoc babysitting though.

[quote weansu]@Lesperance your post is irrelevant to my point. The OP has not said she doesn't expect to look after her own children. [/quote]
You said OP wants a few hours. A few hours is what you get with nursery. Stop policing the thread.

Is the childcare so you can work (or just for more leisure time/doing ordinary household chores)? If not work, YABVU comparing help given to your DM so she could do her job while you were growing up.

[quote ButtockUp]@Jvg33
Well , baby boomers had to contend with 12% interest on their mortgages, and very many had to lose out in negative equity totalling tens of thousands in the 80s/90s . We really struggled.
[/quote]
Every generation will have some hardships. It is clear relatives helping out was not one of them. Please enlighten us as to why they won't help their children now?

@Squirrelblanket

You are unreasonable and massively entitled to boot.

I genuinely can't believe how many people CHOOSE to have children, expect other people to look after them and then whine about it when they get told no. 'It takes a village' is such a poor argument. Us other villagers are busy. We have other things to do in the village. Look after your own kids.

Human beings have children. Its how you got here via 300 thousand years. Not having children harms the human race and its chance for survival.

You have to put your time in to humanity!