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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 13/02/2022 20:57

I find threads like this odd.
Firstly, you have not asked your parents. They may well,say no but you’ve not even tried, yet are posting here saying how unreasonable they are.
Secondly, it is not the job of grandparents to provide childcare for you. That might hurt, you might wish otherwise but they are perfectly entitled to decline. They have their own lives to lead.

Skilovingmama · 13/02/2022 20:57

He kids are in nursery. Why can’t she use that time to clean the house? It doesn’t sound like she works.

Also the biggest issue: SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK HER MUM TO DO IT and is pissed off because she’s not telepathic and hasn’t offered.

Lindaloo08 · 13/02/2022 20:58

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
It's twins you want minded, twins are a whole other childcare for people who aren't used to them. We have no childcare for our 3 kids except what we pay for. No one owes us anything and I certainly wouldn't ask nor expect anyone to look after our twins, let alone our 3 kids. You come across so angry, I get that you feel like you're drowning when you have twins but if you want free time, you will have to pay for it.
Katya213 · 13/02/2022 20:58

OP, I get where you're coming from. It would be nice if she would offer to have them even if it was once a month. Does she not have any interest in them at all?

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:58

@Changethetoner

Assuming you are putting both children into nursery at the same times, surely you will have that child-free time to tidy your house?
Have seen the bill for two children under three at nursery?
GirlOfTudor · 13/02/2022 20:58

Why do you think your entitled to free childcare?

UsernameAB12 · 13/02/2022 20:59

BurntO as long as grandparent's with that attitude of putting themselves first don’t then expect their children to help them in their old age and will be fine with carers or a home

weansu · 13/02/2022 20:59

The issue with not helping your kids is generally they become so self sufficient they don't want or need your inheritance and you'd be better spending it on a care home as nobody else is going to wipe your arse "I owe you nothing"

One of my mums neighbours constantly moans about how awful it is that her only child has abandoned her. She constantly tells my mum how lucky she is that her dc visit weekly.
I'm still in touch with her son, he left London with his family because they couldn't afford a bigger property & moved to Manchester to be near his wife's family who are very family oriented. His mum has never babysat once & she thinks her son is selfish because he doesn't want to travel down weekly to do house repairs & errands. She's retired & very comfortable.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/02/2022 20:59

Of course you aren’t right.

Your mother does not owe you childcare. The care of your children is your and your partner’s alone.

Dear God.. Shock

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 13/02/2022 21:01

Twins are all consuming for a start (I’ve got twin girls) but grandparents aren’t on Earth for subsidised childcare. My dc love their gps and have fun times with them, even whole weeks in the summer now they’re older but age 2 you expect a weekly commitment? Nope, you’re being an entitled brat. It’s also not a sign of loving you or your dc less than you want. You choose to work, pay for childcare and let gps have fun times.

zeg3885 · 13/02/2022 21:02

@Waxonwaxoff0

There's a weird attitude on MN to this. No, your mum doesn't owe you childcare but in my world families help each other out. We all pitch in. My mother works full time and helps me out one day a week with school runs.

I do find it weird not to want to help your children if you can. I couldn't ever imagine taking the attitude of "your children, your responsibility" towards my children.

100% agree! It takes a village and all that. I think having twins too, your definitely more in need of some support! I don’t think YABU or entitled. You’ve got to ask though, best of luck x
teateaandcoffee · 13/02/2022 21:02

@Jvg33 I think that’s a bit strong really. I just found it a huge reality check as my granny did so much for me and siblings. I was left there for a week as a 5 month old apparently, she regularly collected us from primary school, we slept over all the time, and went there after school from secondary for our dinner as well. I was very close, so I just assumed wrongly my Mum would provide the same for my child.
It was really just the wrong assumption to make, and I’m putting it out there as a lot of people on MN assume your entitled because you expect help with childcare from your parents, but genuinely if you’d had the level of care I had from my granny I don’t think it’s an entitled mindset, just naïve.

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2022 21:03

It was your grandmother's choice to help when you were small.

Same way its your mother's choice whether she helps out or not now.

You're entitled to be bothered by it. She's entitled to spend her time the way she'd like to.

I know plenty of grandparents that dont do weekly childcare.

My sister half expected my mum to offer to mind the kids one day a week when mum dropped down to 4 days a week at work.
It didn't happen.

Our mum, who is still working in a very physical job in her 60s refuses to run around after kids when she is looking to lighten her load the older she gets, not add to it. And that's absolutely fair enough.

It awful to expect someone to help you out with childcare when you've had the children.

It's nice if it's there... but expecting it is ridiculous.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 21:03

@Katya213

OP, I get where you're coming from. It would be nice if she would offer to have them even if it was once a month. Does she not have any interest in them at all?
She does but its on her terms and is usually just to play with them for an hour or so then leave. Twins are kind of a novelty that other peope want to show off xD
OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 13/02/2022 21:03

You are unreasonable and massively entitled to boot.

I genuinely can't believe how many people CHOOSE to have children, expect other people to look after them and then whine about it when they get told no. 'It takes a village' is such a poor argument. Us other villagers are busy. We have other things to do in the village. Look after your own kids.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 21:04

@NeedAHoliday2021

Twins are all consuming for a start (I’ve got twin girls) but grandparents aren’t on Earth for subsidised childcare. My dc love their gps and have fun times with them, even whole weeks in the summer now they’re older but age 2 you expect a weekly commitment? Nope, you’re being an entitled brat. It’s also not a sign of loving you or your dc less than you want. You choose to work, pay for childcare and let gps have fun times.
Op wasn't asking for a weekly commitments just a few hours to sort the home out. You are a very judgmental person. How dare op want to ask their mother for help!
Nosetickle · 13/02/2022 21:04

If they’re starting nursery soon then I’m not sure why you need your mum to look after them but maybe I’m missing something. I get where you’re coming from though, you must be on your knees after looking after your twin boys for two and a half years with no external help so well done! I sincerely hope you have done it with a helpful and supportive partner by your side. It really isn’t grandparents responsibility to provide childcare but so many others have and rely on that support that it can be hard when you don’t have that help yourself and you never get a break with your partner. I haven’t had any help in that way from grandparents and it’s tough, people don’t know how lucky they are to have it and I really hope I’m in a position to give that support and help to my DC if needed.

Boatingforthestars · 13/02/2022 21:05

@Phrowzunn

OP you’re being really entitled and it’s strange how stubbornly you are refusing to believe it, even though practically everyone is telling you so. My mum is the most kind and loving woman you could ever hope to meet, gave up work to be a SAHM for us, has always been hugely supportive emotionally and in every way, worships the ground her grandchildren walk on, is so openly loving with them and will do anything for them but has always made it clear to myself and my siblings that her and my dad want to enjoy their retirement and wouldn’t agree to regular childcare. We all respect that (apart from maybe my SIL who is very spoiled/entitled) and understand that it has absolutely no bearing on how much she loves us or our children. My parents do help out on occasion if they can and are so brilliant but just enjoy spending time with the grandchildren where they get to be relaxed and having fun rather than the responsible one in charge / providing discipline. I think it’s odd you associate grandparents not wanting to provide childcare as being ‘cold’. Maybe your mum just wants to enjoy being a grandmother rather than it becoming a chore?
Another person who doesn't understand so isn't in the same situation, you said your mum helps out occasionally, op has never had help. Is it really that hard to grasp the feeling of being alone with no help is clearly not a feeling you have ever felt
DahliaMacNamara · 13/02/2022 21:05

OP, I don't really understand why you're so ready to condemn your mother as selfish before you've so much as opened your mouth to ask her. Does it have to be a regular commitment from your mother? Would something like 'Would you watch the twins for a few hours next Tuesday please?' not be a small amount of help if she could manage it?
FWIW, my ILs always made it clear they wouldn't be offering regular childcare for any of their grandchildren, but that didn't mean they never looked after them, and it was a great help to have someone reliable for occasional babysitting, because we didn't take the piss or take them for granted. It doesn't have to be a choice between your mum signing away a slice of her retirement and nothing at all.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 21:05

@Squirrelblanket

You are unreasonable and massively entitled to boot.

I genuinely can't believe how many people CHOOSE to have children, expect other people to look after them and then whine about it when they get told no. 'It takes a village' is such a poor argument. Us other villagers are busy. We have other things to do in the village. Look after your own kids.

This person probably doesn't have kids.
2022HereWeCome · 13/02/2022 21:06

OP you are coming across as a bit of a spoiled brat. Why should other people take on your responsibilities for you? I got no help when DS was small, both sets of parents live over 3 hours away. If I was stuck for childcare I either had to take unpaid time off work or try and get extra space in nursery. Yes it's hard at times but that's being a parent

flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 21:06

It’s not it takes a village to raise a family anymore

Erm yes it is lol

1forAll74 · 13/02/2022 21:06

I never had any childcare at all when my two were little ones. parents and inlaws lived miles away, and never asked anyone anywhere to look after my children at all.

Penvelopey · 13/02/2022 21:06

It doesn't sound like you like your mum much