What would YOU do?

[Lyonic]

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

@Benmac

It is nothing to do with entitlement. My niece has recently had a child. She is expecting both grans to watch the baby between them when she goes back to work. Whilst both of them may be happy to help neither are under any obligation. Your mum has brought up children and worked. Maybe she is really looking forward to having no obligations when she retired. Your child is your choice and your responsibility. Be grateful for any help you get from 3rd parties because you are owed nothing.

A friend was expected to 'take her turn' looking after her son's child when the DIL returned to work, she was expected to buy a top of the range car seat and attend a course at her son's home to learn how to look after this clearly unique sprog.

But statistically that generation did have it good

No they didn’t. Only about 5% of them went to university and leaving school at 14 with no qualifications was common, often so they could help their parents put food on the table. Sex discrimination at work was rife - women often couldn’t go back to work after having kids, even if they wanted to. While I agree that house prices in some parts of the country are expensive, it’s a myth that those from the baby boomer generation, many of whom grew up in harsh poverty and under post-war rationing, had it really easy.

Honestly i've spent my 30's and 40's looking after my kids and its been busy but I've also really enjoyed it,
What I can say is that i know that I want to travel in my retirement and pursue new hobbies so I will not be taking any potential grand kids on a permanent basis, i can see myself totally helping out with occasional babysitting but I already know that I wont want to tie myself down on a permanent basis. ,my own parents have helped on a similar basis and I totally get why. Raising kids is hard work especially young toddlers and I genuinely think I wouldn't be able.

You said OP wants a few hours. A few hours is what you get with nursery.

Again, I was responding to the expect other people to look after them point. I don't think the OP believes she shouldn't look after her own dc, you can disagree of course.

Stop policing the thread.

😆 the irony!

Human beings have children. Its how you got here via 300 thousand years. Not having children harms the human race and its chance for survival.

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

You sound like an American white supremacist there.

I can't believe you are being bashed op for wanting two hours from your mother. What happens when op visits mother with the twins and needs the toilet. Uh oh, watch out op, asking for two minutes childcare to go to the loo will probably make you selfish and entitled.

Um you haven’t asked, and she is not obligated to say yes just because her parents helped her. You are being very entitled. You are not ‘in the right’ personally I would never ask for that type of commitment from anyone, and as most things expecting a long term favour from a family member can cause problems long term-you sound like you would get miffed if she could not do a few days or goes on holiday.

I also have twins and are in the same situation as you. My siblings also have children which my mum has often looked after, even providing regular childcare so one of my sister’s can work part-time! My mum has never once offered to look after my children though. I’m used to it now but it really bothered one of my sisters and she actually questioned my mum about it, her reply was because ‘they were twins and she just wouldn’t be able to cope’. With your twins being toddlers that may be a factor.

I totally get you OP, my mum helped me out with my first two children then a few later we had twins. She was the first to offer to help - and we were only just breaking even with the bare minimum of nursery cover so I could work, she did it for me, I’d do it for my kids.
Just a thought, might be worth talking to her? My MIL is the sort of person who never thinks of anything and you have to literally spell it out to her for the coin to drop.

My mum was worried about twins but they are easier in some ways as they play and amuse each other and you make food for one, and the other etc so not really double the work

My mum had no one to look after us, so she didn't work. Her mother was only in her 50s when I was born, so was quite happy doing her own thing. Half to babysit and feed us cake, but not childcare.

Conversely, I was lucky enough that my mum did a couple of days a week for us. But she'd already said she wanted to before I even had kids. She was also in her 60s and was only doing 1 day a week in work.

I will be at least mid 50s if dc have kids. I have to work until I'm 68 for my pension. There's no way I'll be having dc's kids.

Both my parents are retired and other than a special occasion have never babysat for us in 3 years.

It's the way the western world operates now aparently. All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair.

What is the relevance of this, @Lyonic?

Your parents are under no obligation to look after your children, and what’s the ‘circle of life’ malarkey?

@SparklingLime

It's the way the western world operates now aparently. All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair.

What is the relevance of this, @Lyonic?

She obviously thinks the world owes her because she reproduced. Overpopulation is a massive problem and we’d probably be better off if the population were reduced by about a quarter. Have kids if you like but honestly it’s not helping the human race, quite the opposite.

And if you were palmed off to your grandparents, I guess they weren’t the naturally maternal type either.

@Skilovingmama I was talking from an economic perspective & I said statistically. This doesn't mean everyone did well or things were perfect.

My parents told me when I was pregnant not to expect any regular, committed babysitting. I've learned it's best to never expect it of anyone unless you're paying them. The disappointment got too much in the end. I also found that all the offers of help and babysitting dried up about 3 months after my twin boys were born.
I think it's worth an ask though, just in case.

It’s called Mumsnet for a reason Skilo...

@Lyonic

I dont understand why parents would not want to support their children, thats the circle of life. When I did not have kids, having all that time for whatever, thinking of having that time again and not helping my kids seems bonkers.

You talk about a sense of entitlement but we have not had anyone look after our kids
once.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

Noone helped us with our kids either. My DH asked his mum to have them whilst we went to New Orleans for 4 days (I was presenting at a conference) and she wanted to be paid, yet she her DDs kids everyday for no charge. My DH pointed this out, she had yhe kids but we never asked again, and in 10 or so years, we visited 6/7 times (we were 150miles apart (each way)) and they visited 2/3 times. My parents never had the kids. I saw my DM even less often than my MIL. My dad, I saw more frequently.

The morale of the story is that no one owes you childcare. If your DM doesn't want to see the kids that frequently, then so be it.

[quote weansu]@Skilovingmama I was talking from an economic perspective & I said statistically. This doesn't mean everyone did well or things were perfect. [/quote]
Overall, on a grand scale, younger generations have it better than the baby boomer generation in terms of education, healthcare, jobs etc. Presumably you meant in terms of the generation as a whole. Or what are you basing your boomers had it easier theory on?

Overpopulation is a massive problem and we’d probably be better off if the population were reduced by about a quarter. Have kids if you like but honestly it’s not helping the human race, quite the opposite.

@Skilovingmama who should not be having more kids? Most of the west faces an ageing population crisis due to a drastic fall in birth rates. Our population is growing here because people are living longer.

@Skilovingmama

Human beings have children. Its how you got here via 300 thousand years. Not having children harms the human race and its chance for survival.

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

You sound like an American white supremacist there.

How does she? Please explain?

No one is entitled to child care from their parents.

But I do find it a bit rich that the parents when parents who relied heavily on their own parents for childcare refuse to help at all, even when they have the time and ability to do so.