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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 13/02/2022 20:41

There is a chance she had to leave you with your grandmother so she could work to pay the bills. And grandmothers were a lot younger in those days.
I have twins - my mum had 5 children under the age of 8 by the time she was 26 and she said looking after my twins was much harder than having 5 because of the twins being the same age. I also have boy/girl twins - all the twin mummies I know with two twin boys were run ragged looking after them. It's likely your mum feels she might not be able to cope with them. I would struggle with twin toddler boys yself and I know what to do with twins I am just older and slower now.

Skilovingmama · 13/02/2022 20:44

@Lyonic

I dont understand why parents would not want to support their children, thats the circle of life. When I did not have kids, having all that time for whatever, thinking of having that time again and not helping my kids seems bonkers.

You talk about a sense of entitlement but we have not had anyone look after our kids
once.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

No, you’re just more selfish and entitled than others. HTH.

And if they’re so delightful, why not look after them all the time yourself? You talk about feeling molested - well your mum will feel like that too when she looks after them.

Also, you say get the house in order. Are you not planning on working then?

Babyroobs · 13/02/2022 20:44

Are you working? I imagine twins especially at that age are extremely hard work. How old is are your parents ? Maybe she just doesn't feel she can run around after toddlers !

Penvelopey · 13/02/2022 20:45

Yeah we havent had time for ourselves for over 2 years. I think people who dont have twins dont realise that its exponential and that we have had to create a totally child safe environment for them. Otherwise its not possible that's the cards you were dealt though. Not your mums issue.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 13/02/2022 20:45

My maternal grandma pretty much raised me. My mum was very helpful and hands on when my D.C. were young. I would like to think I will be fit and healthy enough to offer similar support if I'm ever lucky enough to be a granny If I'm not able to help out because of physical restrictions I'd like to offer financial support.

All that being said, I would assume my children and I would have discussed child care and thrashed out a happy arrangement long before the kids were born.

Fahrted · 13/02/2022 20:45

OP, my mum was a SAHM forever. I didn't expect her to look after my children, even thought the occasional minute off would have been nice. I was, in turn, a SAHM forever. I was bloody good at it, but there is no way I'll be looking after my grandchildren. I have well and truly done my bit now!

RedRobyn2021 · 13/02/2022 20:46

I don't get it when people say you're selfish for wanting support from parents?

Yes they're your kids. Yes they've raised there's. but the fact is, they are her grandchildren and she was helped herself by her parents. So I would be put out if my mother didn't want to provide some support tbh.

BurntO · 13/02/2022 20:46

@UsernameAB12

I read the OP Smile I really don’t see how it is relevant that OPs parents parents where in a position to offer child care in circumstances we know nothing of. Just because they were in a position to help, it doesn’t mean OP is now entitled to help. Maybe it is selfish, maybe they’re putting themselves first, sometimes people need to put themselves first. Twin toddlers are bloody hard work and OP is equally selfish for expecting childcare because it suits her

Lemonandadropofhoney · 13/02/2022 20:47

I'm with you op. Yes she absolutely doesn't owe you free childcare however, having received no help whatsoever from either sets of parents and forking out for 6 years of full time nursery fees, I will do everything in my power to lessen the blow and struggles for my own children.

Raising children is HARD and if I have the ability to help them I will. It takes a village and all that. I can't imagine not wanting to support my children.

Penvelopey · 13/02/2022 20:47

It's really off to judge her for not offering to help if you've never asked her for help

Changethetoner · 13/02/2022 20:48

Assuming you are putting both children into nursery at the same times, surely you will have that child-free time to tidy your house?

whynotwhatknot · 13/02/2022 20:48

Shes 60 i presume ir older and you think she should on a regular basis look after twins
sorry but no theres no circle of life thats with living and dying not bloody babysitting

Maybe she wants to enjoy her retirement after raising you and working for the last 40 odd years

iklboo · 13/02/2022 20:49

She is apparently a he.

iklboo · 13/02/2022 20:50

Arrrggghhh sorry, wrong thread!

katieg03 · 13/02/2022 20:50

My mum is 60 and still working full time. I'm 37 and my kids are 11 and 8. She lives 2.5 hours away. So during covid the last two years we've barely seen them. grandparents are there for the fun times, days out and stuff like that in my family. I certainly don't expect my mum to stop working, work part time or give up all her spare time to help me because I chose to have children. People want to be able to live out their best life, enjoy retirement and be care free. There are plenty of creches, nurseries etc around. It's a juggle for any parent. But there are plenty single parents, kids with ASN, that juggle all sorts. You've got a partner. Why don't you find a local babysitter so you can go for evenings out or set up a friendship group with other mums and take turns.

Daenerys77 · 13/02/2022 20:51

Why can't you get the house in order while your boys are at nursery?

Elphame · 13/02/2022 20:52

You have no right to expect help I'm afraid- it was your choice to have children not hers.

I don't enjoy the company of young children. I'd babysit in an emergency for my grandchildren and help out on an ad hoc basis if DS or DD was really struggling but it would be the odd afternoon here and there. I would not sign up to a regular arrangement.

teateaandcoffee · 13/02/2022 20:53

I’ve found this strange too, I was looked after by grandparents a lot as a kid, week at a time during the holidays, etc.
When it first came to asking my Mum for help so I could go back to work she wasn’t interested and made a point of being awkward and unavailable even after agreeing some days. After an attempt at making it work I put little one in nursery, so much less stressful.
I think you need to manage your expectations, like me. Finding out that just because you were looked after by your granny very regularly doesn’t mean the favour will be returned.
Then you’ll also find like me that once they are settled into childcare the grandparent will be asking you when they can see their grandchild…
I think this is down to my Mum just not wanting to be tied to anything.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:53

[quote ButtockUp]@Jvg33
Well, 'this person' had to move around 200 miles away from her parents and her mother is disabled. 'This person' also lived over 70 miles away from her in-laws.
'This person' had to suck it up, in a new town , with no friends or connections.
'This person' managed by making career sacrifices, as well as partner making sacrifices. [/quote]
Sounds like you want a medal. Here you go, first place. Does that mean you want everyone else to face hardships because you did? Everyone deserves a break. Having young kids is hard. We shouldn't be critical to the op. She just wants a couple of hours to get her house in order. She's not asking for a night out in the club. I thought we were on Mumsnet, not unsupportive net.

Phrowzunn · 13/02/2022 20:53

OP you’re being really entitled and it’s strange how stubbornly you are refusing to believe it, even though practically everyone is telling you so. My mum is the most kind and loving woman you could ever hope to meet, gave up work to be a SAHM for us, has always been hugely supportive emotionally and in every way, worships the ground her grandchildren walk on, is so openly loving with them and will do anything for them but has always made it clear to myself and my siblings that her and my dad want to enjoy their retirement and wouldn’t agree to regular childcare. We all respect that (apart from maybe my SIL who is very spoiled/entitled) and understand that it has absolutely no bearing on how much she loves us or our children. My parents do help out on occasion if they can and are so brilliant but just enjoy spending time with the grandchildren where they get to be relaxed and having fun rather than the responsible one in charge / providing discipline. I think it’s odd you associate grandparents not wanting to provide childcare as being ‘cold’. Maybe your mum just wants to enjoy being a grandmother rather than it becoming a chore?

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:55

@teateaandcoffee

I’ve found this strange too, I was looked after by grandparents a lot as a kid, week at a time during the holidays, etc. When it first came to asking my Mum for help so I could go back to work she wasn’t interested and made a point of being awkward and unavailable even after agreeing some days. After an attempt at making it work I put little one in nursery, so much less stressful. I think you need to manage your expectations, like me. Finding out that just because you were looked after by your granny very regularly doesn’t mean the favour will be returned. Then you’ll also find like me that once they are settled into childcare the grandparent will be asking you when they can see their grandchild… I think this is down to my Mum just not wanting to be tied to anything.
The baby boomers are selfish. They got house prices cheap, lots of family support for their children. But when it comes to helping out a little for their own children all the sudden it's a different story.
mbosnz · 13/02/2022 20:55

I think that parenthood is the ultimate adulthood, in many ways. You are no longer the child, you are the grown up, who has to ensure your children are well cared for, regardless of how shit you feel. It would be so much nicer for you if your Mum felt the urge to pass it on, the childcare she benefitted from (and, um, you did too, as the children), from her Mum, but apparently she doesn't. Although, you don't know, because you haven't asked, because you worry you may not like the answer. However, it's still up to you (and your partner/husband if you have one) to ensure the children are well cared for, and everything that has to be done, is done, to a good enough standard.

It's shit. It's parenting.

SmellinOfTroy · 13/02/2022 20:56

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon

hang on, you dont work, you're putting them in nursery and you still want her to look after them.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:57

@Phrowzunn

OP you’re being really entitled and it’s strange how stubbornly you are refusing to believe it, even though practically everyone is telling you so. My mum is the most kind and loving woman you could ever hope to meet, gave up work to be a SAHM for us, has always been hugely supportive emotionally and in every way, worships the ground her grandchildren walk on, is so openly loving with them and will do anything for them but has always made it clear to myself and my siblings that her and my dad want to enjoy their retirement and wouldn’t agree to regular childcare. We all respect that (apart from maybe my SIL who is very spoiled/entitled) and understand that it has absolutely no bearing on how much she loves us or our children. My parents do help out on occasion if they can and are so brilliant but just enjoy spending time with the grandchildren where they get to be relaxed and having fun rather than the responsible one in charge / providing discipline. I think it’s odd you associate grandparents not wanting to provide childcare as being ‘cold’. Maybe your mum just wants to enjoy being a grandmother rather than it becoming a chore?
I don't think the op is being selfish. Not everyone is telling the op that they are entitled.
HazelBite · 13/02/2022 20:57

Having had twin boys myself, I cannot believe you are even asking this. I in my 30's was run ragged with them at this age, far, far worse than my older two. I could write a book about their joint exploits.
I am assuming your DM could be anything from late 50's to mid 60's? one child not unreasonable to expect some help, two of the same age who have an inbuilt rapport of mischieviousness, no way could you assume she should offer.