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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

258 replies

Knityourownyoghurt · 13/02/2022 18:21

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off Hmm

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

OP posts:
woodhill · 14/02/2022 19:04

@thenovice

No, not just you. My MIL couldn't get it and expected us both to take her on regular outings on weekdays. That aside, when we took her out for a meal on a weekend once, she suddenly yelled at me in front of the rest of the pub that I should get of my lazy backside and go out to work to help her DS (my DH). (I work full time and we have 2 DDs and she has never even once babysat for them). Everyone heard and they all turned and stared at me. It was horrible.
I hope you pulled up on this
woodhill · 14/02/2022 19:04

Pulled her up on this I mean

RidingMyBike · 14/02/2022 19:51

Different work culture now. DM, mid-70s, retired 20 years ago in her mid-50s after working very part-time after having kids. My Dad used to start work at 9 on the dot, leave work at 5 and manage to eat lunch, walk to the bank and/or shops to do some errands and ring her every day at lunchtime. He must have taken well over an hour doing all of this, and the phone call was on a work phone! When I explain that sometimes I don't even get time to eat lunch, let alone leave the building and no I'm not ringing her during the day, she's astounded!

marktayloruk · 14/02/2022 20:03

Small children shouldn't be doing homework.

fetchacloth · 14/02/2022 20:04

My experience that retired people forget what it's like for people that work. Some don't even realise what day of the week it is as every day is a day off for them.
My dad used to ring me at work when he was fed up which sometimes annoyed me a bit if I was really busy, but I regret feeling like that since he passed away 😔

allfurcoatnoknickers · 14/02/2022 20:09

Yeah, my Mum can't grasp the concept that I work full time AT ALL. She asked me the other day if I would volunteer at DS's daycare and she was astounded when I said I couldn't because I'm at work. That's why he's at bloody daycare!

ufucoffee · 14/02/2022 20:39

It's not my older relatives, it's my retired friends who forget that some of us are still working and no, we're not watching that resort they love to go to on A Place in the Sun. Drives me mad.

Mollysocks · 14/02/2022 21:15

Not just older relatives. My younger sister will WhatsApp me during the day and then moan I don’t answer until after 6pm 🙄

SecretSpAD · 14/02/2022 21:17

My dad was a professional chef in his working days. He can't compute how much flexibility my husband and I have working from home. Or the short hours of 10-12 hours a day. 😂

SuPerDoPer · 14/02/2022 21:32

My parents both had jobs with no flexibility (mum was a teacher dad was a company director) and they had to be very much physically present in the workplace during working hours and beyond. They're always surprised that I'm able to earn a good salary and still do school runs, pick up calls, let the plumber in and can juggle hours and TOIL to support any extra additional needs they or the kids might have during the working day. But then mum and dad had proper holidays and weekends were largely uninterrupted save for a bit of marking whereas I'm often making up hours on the laptop and am rarely far from my work phone.

RobotValkyrie · 14/02/2022 21:32

It's certainly a thing with some old people (they also forget what it's like to look after young kids, or that they can't just expect to see their grand-kids in the middle of the school day...)

But I've also had that shit from relatives my own age (the very part-time or stay at home mums, who also didn't seem to understand the concept of kids being at nursery), or, even more weirdly, school (expecting you to drop everything to come to random school events in the middle of the school day, sometimes with only 24h notice. Oh, and please bring some cakes. And craft a fancy dress costume for your kids)

JaceLancs · 14/02/2022 21:58

DM retired at 51 after working part time (I’m 57)
She doesn’t understand that not only do I work full time long hours in a stressful job - I also can’t just take time off if she needs me to help her in some way - I can’t even explain or get her to remember as she now has Alzheimer’s
NDN is similar age and retired mid 50s after a part time low stress job - tells me I look tired and gets miffed if I’ve been too busy to call in on her
A few acquaintances of similar age to me (all housewives with well earning husbands or partners) keep asking why I don’t retire!
I’m single and not in any position to consider retiring anytime soon - even at 67 I will have to find ways to supplement my meagre pension

TommyShelby · 14/02/2022 22:08

Omg this is my Mil. She’s never worked. It was beneath her apparently. She’s only 70. She knows perfectly well how employment works. Yet she thinks it’s a disgrace that I work (and regularly tells me so). I did ask if she’d like to pay me my wage so I could afford to stay at home with my DD (which id love to do) but then I was told that that was bloody ridiculous. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

She is also a raging alcoholic narc so this is one of her less irritating facets.

browneyes77 · 14/02/2022 22:36

My parents are 86 (Dad) and 77 (Mom)

I’ve worked from home in my job for over 8 years as it’s a field based role. Whilst they do understand that I’m at work during the day, it doesn’t seem to stop them ringing for a chat about something or asking me if I can give one of them a lift somewhere (my Dad still drives but only drives locally).

I actually said the other day, “If I still worked in an office would you be calling me asking me if if I can give you a lift, or take you shopping to Wilko’s? No you wouldn’t, so why just because my office is my home, is it acceptable to call me to ask me to do these things, just because I work from home?”.

I know they never purposely mean to put me out and do understand I’m working, but I still get frustrated because I still get asked and feel guilty for saying no.

I guess some of it is my own fault really. I manage my own diary so I can be flexible, so I can often pop out if I need to, to run errands for myself. But I’ve obviously planned these in around my work load or I know the days I’m quieter to be able to do this. I think they see me popping out for myself and assume I can do the same for them, not realising that they always ask me a bit last minute therefore I’d have to drop everything to do it, rather than being able to plan my work around it.

Sistedtwister · 15/02/2022 07:50

Not just older generation. I used to rent a room to a friend and I worked nights. Her BF rang me twice mid morning to pass a message to her because he knew I'd be at home. Was not impressed when I returned the favour at 3am he never did it again but didn't really get it either.
MIL told me I should not go back to work after mat leave. She was completely baffled when we tried to explain that I earned significantly more than DH and if one of us were to SAH it would be him.... apparently that was just not right and he must feel awful that I was the main earner.

Teamill · 15/02/2022 07:56

My DH does this. Phones his grown up children most days for a chat. I remind him that they are working but he takes no notice. I think it's because people have mobiles now so they're 'always available'. He wouldn't dream of phoning an office number.

maybloss2 · 15/02/2022 08:14

I’m 63 and my partner is 66. We will have to work for the foreseeable as our pensions are not enough to live on. Mainly cos we worked in in a number of low paid jobs when young and then public sector jobs that don’t have great pensions.
When I was young I thought talk of pensions was ridiculous as we’d all have the state pension. That was daft. The state pension is not liveable on if you want to pay rent, bills and eat or I suppose u could live with yr working kids.
Both my daughters work. Ones on mat leave. I found my eldest forgot frequently that I still work, she thinks I can just drop what I am doing to go and visit and be ‘grandma’. The youngest has put her straight. I don’t mind so much now- it’s good to feel wanted! My youngest is being plagued with calls from her MIL now she’s a mum. I try to say she likes you that’s a good thing!
I just think some people don’t get the idea that talking on the phone means you are interrupting. Whether it’s paid work or feeding a baby. What happened to ‘are you free to talk’? No one says that anymore!🤷‍♂️Just don’t pick up.

woodhill · 15/02/2022 11:07

@JaceLancs

DM retired at 51 after working part time (I’m 57) She doesn’t understand that not only do I work full time long hours in a stressful job - I also can’t just take time off if she needs me to help her in some way - I can’t even explain or get her to remember as she now has Alzheimer’s NDN is similar age and retired mid 50s after a part time low stress job - tells me I look tired and gets miffed if I’ve been too busy to call in on her A few acquaintances of similar age to me (all housewives with well earning husbands or partners) keep asking why I don’t retire! I’m single and not in any position to consider retiring anytime soon - even at 67 I will have to find ways to supplement my meagre pension
Do you think it's quite good for you to keep working anyway?
girlywhirly · 15/02/2022 11:13

TommyShelby, my good friend and work colleague was on maternity leave, and her mother (who had been a SAHM all her married life) told her “ I hope you’re giving up work”. She was appalled when friend said she was returning to work, and reminded her mum that the bills still needed paying, and was she offering to pay the mortgage if she stayed at home? Then there was the telling her that her DH should be earning more etc etc. Simply couldn’t comprehend that buying a property in the 1960’s in one county was easier and cheaper than buying in the 1980’s in another.

Bywayofanupdate · 15/02/2022 11:26

Not just relatives. I have a friend who is a SAHM and is baffled as to why I can't make it to a 5.30 activity when I finish work at 5. Errrm... Well I need to collect two different children from two different settings after I finish work so there's no chance. She was genuinely shocked that my children don't eat until 6pm as once we're home I then have to cook them dinner. "aren't they hungry by then?" "isn't it too close to bed time?" yes and yes but no choice thanks Angry

angela99999 · 15/02/2022 11:37

My mother understood, but sadly lived too far away to help me! I've moved to be near DD who really has to work. I went back to work once youngest DD was at school, childcare wasn't as good then as now and I couldn't afford it anyway.
My own sister never understood why I worked, she hasn't worked since she met her DH. I've always felt that she envied me having my "own" money and you can't have it both ways.

DomesticatedZombie · 15/02/2022 11:41

Oh, god, YANBU, OP. Especially as wfh means they think dropping round for lunch with various friends and hangers-on is tickety-boo.

Madamum18 · 15/02/2022 11:43

I am an "retired relative" and I DO NOT think like that! We are not an amorphous mass you know!!

user1471538283 · 15/02/2022 11:59

Yes it is a thing. I used to have to remind my DGM that I was working (and raising a child). Her expectation was just about the women though, my male DCousins were never expected to

I sometimes have this with some of my older relatives but they will ring in the work day and it is never an emergency.

Mary46 · 15/02/2022 12:07

Their time is their own. I find my mam is never in a rush. Its traffic too to factor in when I visit. Then school traffic starts near where she lives