Page 8 | to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 14/02/2022 12:27

Yup, my parents were definitely like this! I work part time now and my Mum always forgets which days I'm working but she is fine if I just say I'm at work, is it urgent? And if it's not, I'll call her back.

Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 12:27

Police officers used to retire early as there were very few desk jobs. Most jobs were physically active, and older people could rarely physically manage the job. Nowadays most police officers jobs are not physical, so the retirement age is no longer an issue.

DoraTheScottishExplorer · 14/02/2022 12:31

Not quite the same but my family can't understand that not everyone get bank holidays. Everytime a bank holiday comes round my step mum will ask if I'm off and then is utterly agast when I say no. This has been going on for a decade now.

Campervangirl · 14/02/2022 12:38

Yep my mum doesn't get it, she retired in her 50s, can't seem to remember what it's like to have to work, is always on at me to retire (I can't afford to, I'm in my 50s)
Im wfh so she rings all the time and wants prescriptions collected or a trip to the supermarket during work hours.
In laws are the same, they'll turn up during the day when I'm working then think I'm rude when I have to join meetings.
It's infuriating

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2022 12:39

@RoseMartha

I get this. Its usually something like 'Rose what day is it.' Followed by them ringing me two mins later for same question. This can go on for half an hour.

That sounds very annoying. Is there a mental health/dementia issue? If not, you might want to consider getting them an Echo dot.

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2022 12:44

It's not only relatives who don't get it. A friend of mine retired several years ago after years of doing exactly the same job that I do, but has completely forgotten what it is like to work and does not seem to grasp that I cannot spend an hour on the phone in the middle of the day/meet her for lunch/go to stay without notice and planning.

BaggingTheWainwrights · 14/02/2022 12:47

I get this from my mother. She rings me at work to tell me she spotted so & so (who I don't know) in the distance at the High Street and expecting a long chit-chat. On days I WFH she thinks I'm 'cheating' my employer and is completely unable to grasp how WFH is possible so I must be taking an unofficial day off. She regularly lectures me on why we must not eat dinner later than 5.00pm and is horrified that we eat at 7pm, she doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that we're at work or commuting so an earlier dinner is impossible.

TurquoiseDragon · 14/02/2022 13:17

@Kite22

It's about selfish, thoughtless attitudes, not age.

This ^ 100%

10.7% of those aged 65+ are in employment

Yes, but that is counting everyone in their 70s, 80s, 90s, and those over 100 I presume. Also including all those who are either physically and mentally incapable. It is an irrelevant figure for this discussion.

There seem to be an awful lot of older women who have never worked and seemingly don’t understand that younger women who do don’t seem to have any time to look after them, ferry them around etc.

I think some people have got their timelines confused here. OP is talking about a man in his 60s. I am close to 60 and have worked outside the home all my life, as has virtually everyone I know. My Mum would be in her 90s if she were still with us. She too worked outside the home virtually all her life, as did so many of her friends. My Grandmother (and we are now talking about someone born in the 19th Century lived on a farm most of her life, where it was all hands on deck so technically didn't go out to work but did work more than just 'keeping house'.
The idea that only people in their 20s or 30s have ever worked outside the home once married is quite frankly just not true.

I have to agree. I'm in my 50s, have never worked a job close to home, always commuted. So I wasnt available during the day.

My Mum understood that I worked, and would only phone if it was an emergency (before she passed away). Dad is the same, but as I was wfh during the pandemic and now only back in the office 2 days a week, I can do his shopping at lunchtimes on the other days (and it's good to get out for a walk). He doesn't take it for granted, and doesn't ask for much. And as he's 78, I can check on him.

My late ex MIL, OTOH.... And late ex FIL likely wouldn't have got it either, some of their attitudes clearly showed they never understood I earned as much as ex.

RoseMartha · 14/02/2022 13:31

@Octomore @Daenerys77

They have got dementia. But it is still very frustrating.

Waiting on a review from the council for more support.

Xenia · 14/02/2022 13:32

When I started working form home full time 1994 (and done that since) I had to set very clear boundaries that work time was work time and it did not mean I was home and available for a chat or to deal with home stuff (of course the downside of mothers my age working full time is they cannot do any baby sitting on week days ever, 100%, never mind only intermittently! Mind you it tends to mean their children end up financially better off. I hope to work until I die and have helpd 5 children go to private school from age 4 - 18, graduate without student loans and for all 5 to buy a first property and a lot of that flows from my choice of work and the fact I have never had time off (only 2 weeks holiday for a baby kind of NO time off, career breaks, never worked part time - just 100% full time since 1983).

Chasingaftermidnight · 14/02/2022 13:37

Interesting to see that other people have had trouble with the whole WFH shift. Both my parents and my PILs think that working from home means ‘available to host’. Previously when they visited for the weekend they’d arrive on a Friday evening and leave on a Sunday afternoon. No, they show up at lunchtime on Friday and expect things to be ready for them, like a hotel. Then announce they’ll leave around midday on Monday.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/02/2022 13:39

My dad (who passed away recently) was like this. He worked his whole life (well into his 80s) but still couldn't grasp that he couldn't just call to shoot the breeze at 10am on a Tuesday.

Dogmum40 · 14/02/2022 13:46

It’s a thing! My husband and I both work from home and my parents do genuinely believe that we’ve decided to give up work because we “don’t go to work.” we live near each other and they just pop round and call whenever they want and get seriously offended if we tell them to go as we have meetings!

It drives us insane and we are thinking of moving away because of it ( should add we try to lock the doors and ignore them but they can obviously see us and our cars so stand and shout at us through the windows and doors)

girlywhirly · 14/02/2022 14:26

I used to have similar problems with other mums who didn’t work and I did, full time. They couldn’t understand why I wasn’t available to ferry DS to all sorts of activities every day. It’s not just age related forgetting! They just couldn’t imagine why I wasn’t a SAHM, well paying the mortgage for one thing. They lived in posh houses and had high earning partners.

ChocolateDigestivesMmmm · 14/02/2022 15:44

Argh yes my mum is like this. She freaks out when DD has one of her (many) bugs and insists she must be kept off nursery for at least 2 weeks "to recover"...even when all she has is a cold. When I asked how she proposes we keep our jobs if we have to take 2 weeks off for every sniffle and cough, she muttered about "not making the child suffer for our work". OK, but she would suffer a lot more if we lost our jobs and couldn't provide for her!

She has also become obsessed with organic food and clean eating. She will clatter around the kitchen for hours, carefully chopping up lots of ingredients and cooking elaborate multiple course meals, using up all the kitchen utensils then washing them one by one under a running tap. She eyes my dishwasher with contempt and gives me a lecture on processed food if I occasionally give DD chicken nuggets or sausages. She doesn't understand why I can't do things the way she does and doesn't grasp that when we all get home from work/nursery, it's a race against time to get dinner/bath/bed done, or else we'd be dealing with a hungry, over-tired, tantruming toddler.

It's bizarre because she always worked full time in a demanding job and often wasn't home until 9pm...I was a typical latchkey kid. So it's not like she's unaware of the realities of working. When I point this out she says she doesn't want me to "make the same mistakes" she did. So I think she's projecting her own guilt on to me. My job is actually a standard 9-5 and my employer is very good about me taking time off when DD is ill...just not 2 bloody weeks for a cold!

Returnoftheowl · 14/02/2022 16:34

Slightly different but along the same lines...my PIL understand that I work, that's fine. But I work shifts, including overnight. That's the bit they struggle with. They don't seem to understand that if I've finished work at 7am it's then bedtime and I need to get some sleep (especially if I'm working again that night). They struggle to grasp that I need some sleep at some point.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2022 16:41

@Knityourownyoghurt

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

Just your relatives.

I've had no difficultly understanding that my children and their partners work.

SazCat · 14/02/2022 16:45

You might understand, but it's quite clearly not just her relatives though is it, considering a lot of the replies on the thread?!

Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 16:48

My PiL are like this. I used to answer the phone if they rang, figuring that they knew that I was working ergo it must be important but no, any random bit of chatter chatter that could easily wait til evening. And every time I reminded them I was working I got "Oh really?" as though it was a new or unusual occurrence (I was a SAHM but that was 8 years ago so lots of time to adjust).

Mind you they perpetually ring at 8am on a Sunday and then are surprised that no one is up and that's been going for 20 years. Wont leave a message either, just try again 5 min later.

DonaPatrizia · 14/02/2022 17:46

My MIL couldn’t grasp I have a high paid job with the hours to go with. She assumed I must be the same as SIL who didn’t set much store by work.

Harleyband · 14/02/2022 17:47

Oh god yes. My DM still feels it's "unfair" that I don't get all the school holidays off. I'm a doctor. Someone has to take care of the patients. Illness doesn't take Christmas off.
My DF doesn't understand that I'm generally not available to answer calls/go over to their house/deal with non-emergencies during work hours (which includes the weekends I'm on call). I've been doing this for 30 years. You'd think it would have sunk in by now.

KJaggard1 · 14/02/2022 18:11

I have the opposite problem. They don’t understand why I don’t work, apparently paying more than you earn in childcare wasn’t a thing in the 80’s

thenovice · 14/02/2022 18:24

No, not just you. My MIL couldn't get it and expected us both to take her on regular outings on weekdays. That aside, when we took her out for a meal on a weekend once, she suddenly yelled at me in front of the rest of the pub that I should get of my lazy backside and go out to work to help her DS (my DH). (I work full time and we have 2 DDs and she has never even once babysat for them). Everyone heard and they all turned and stared at me. It was horrible.

Esspee · 14/02/2022 18:29

I took a job working from home. Big mistake. My mum turned up expecting to be entertained. It was a bloody nightmare yet when I moved to an office job she fully understood that I wasn’t available.

trumpisagit · 14/02/2022 18:38

I don't think this is "old people". This is people with no imagination beyond there own existence.