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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

258 replies

Knityourownyoghurt · 13/02/2022 18:21

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off Hmm

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

OP posts:
Miserablecat · 13/02/2022 23:28

Me and DH have our own business. MIL commented recently that she thought it was great how I supported Mr miserablecat with his work. I'm pretty sure the assumption was that I was there to make the odd cup of tea and admire what he was doing, not that it actually takes 2 of us working full time for the business to function.
She's always saying it would be nicer if I was home more.
She gave up work in her mid 20s to have children and never went back, so working outside the house was a fairly long time ago for her.

middleager · 14/02/2022 00:05

During lockdown when we were both wfh with increased work and kids homeschooling, in laws would call by unannounced for "a cuppa" in the middle of the day. MIL always worked a few hours a week and retired at 60. FIL worked in a factory, clocked on and off and never took work home. It really was a different way of working.

My dad would call in the day, but he's a bit better now. He has even been known to turn up at the office "for lunch" in the past! He was made redundant at 60. When I was a child, he was home just after 5 and I really envy those hours kept. There was not all the involvement with school either in the 70s and 80s. Now, working parents have so much school admin and school events.

When I started work in the 1990s, it was less pressured, no email, long lunches. It's so full on now, plus social media is part of my working world and this comes with stress, along with a work mobile and out of hours calls.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 14/02/2022 07:11

Yes!!!! I've had this quite a few times. Currently living with DF and working from home and he frequently thinks he can pop in for a chat or complains he doesn't see much of me. Yes Dad, because I've got a job. It also mildly annoys me that he goes on about me 'working so hard'. Don't get me wrong - I do work quite hard, but it's just a full time job. I rarely work evenings or weekends. I start at 9. It's really not over the top.

MaryBeardsShoes · 14/02/2022 07:20

Not just older relations. My younger brother will text on a morning asking if I want to go to soft play with my nephew right then. 🤣 Like yes mate I just sit around waiting for you to text.

dizzygirl1 · 14/02/2022 07:23

Yep so so bad my dad isn't even retired yet. But because I wfh, I apparently can call them, do my housework, cook 3 coursemeals and just be available at any point...
Nope I'm working from home, I'm on calls ALL day, lucky if I can make a drink /go to the loo, let alone a lunch break so I have zero time. Also because I'm a woman in an office based role, I obviously just sit there typing away some very important man's notes 🤬🤬🤬

WonderWomansBoobs · 14/02/2022 07:31

My name is a bit like this. She rang me at 10am the other day because she wasn't well (she sometimes stiffens up on a morning and can't get out of bed) but I was at work(not allowed phone). Rang her when I was finished and asked if she'd rang my cousin (who can have her phone) but she said "no,I don't want to disturb her" ffs. I know she's got a higher ranking job than me, but she'd be more than willing to help her.

EricScrantona · 14/02/2022 08:06

It's a thing but not necessarily age related. After I had DC, I was invited to a mummy group. They met one day a week and asked me to join, I said I work so won't be able to make it. First it took a while to grasp that I work not only ever day but every week. Then once it was half term... they couldn't believe I worked half term too. Not being a teacher, I'm not sure why they thought I would automatically have the time off!

My gran gets it as she worked but thinks DH is failing because I have to... it's not that, I want to.

My mum started her own business and was annoyed that everyone piled around thinking that working from home meant she was always available. When everyone started wfh for covid, she was always bloody ringing me doing what they had done to her but over the phone.

My dad has always worked from home but work is a strong term. He does no where near his contracted hours but gets everything done and it's a niche area but he's always on YouTube or something. He once met me where I live for lunch as he was passing. I told him I only have one hour lunch but love to meet. When I said I have to go after 50 mins in order to get back he thought I was too "corporate" and should just have a few hours off. Couldn't understand why this wasn't acceptable.

Maireas · 14/02/2022 08:13

@trilbydoll

My mum was a teacher. For the first 15 years of my career she really struggled to get her head round the fact I worked all year round and didn't get school holidays off. Or that it being school holidays didn't meant everyone else shut down and work was really quiet.
How odd. I've been a teacher for about 38 years and have never had that attitude, nor come across another teacher that has! That's why we get dental/hairdresser/medical/beauty appointments in the holidays - other people are at work. Your mum is definitely alone in her thinking!
Phlewf · 14/02/2022 08:28

Oh god I had one of those I’ve turned into my mother moments recently. I vividly remember her bitching about my gran not realising what working full time was like. Mum was happy to visit at the weekend or have her at ours but it she wasn’t hanging the week on it etc. well now she’s calling me on a Tuesday at 8.05 am asking if I want lamb, I don’t care im in a meeting at 8.15, then at 12.30 during my lunch break (ha!) she call to say it’s actually beef.
She stayed for a bit when I was working from home and every day she asked what time my breaks and lunch were, this is a woman who honestly worked through her lunch for 40 years! She drank black coffee at her desk kept Nescafé afloat through the 90’s and she was trying to make me cheese and apple at 10.10. Then she over heard many of my teams meetings (from behind the door holding a plate of cheese and apple despite me yelling my camera was off and
I was muted) and declared most of the meetings a waste of time and I should be more efficient- I’ll just run that by my boss eh?
I’m being a cow but it’s so weird! Amd I’m looking forward to the seismic shift myself.

Gizacluethen · 14/02/2022 08:40

Yep. My parents still work. Although my mum does think that because I run a company and don't have a boss that I can just take the day off whenever I want (although I do quite a bit!)
MIL though, not neccesarily expecting to chat but expecting to have things done for her then when we say how busy we are, with running two companies between us. Renovating a property and looking after 8mo DS she'll tell us oh well I've been so busy today, I've had two loads of washing to do ready for our holiday 🤨 I don't know how she says it so seriously.

They also have no idea what it's like to have a baby which is far more infuriating.

RoseMartha · 14/02/2022 08:55

I get this. Its usually something like 'Rose what day is it.' Followed by them ringing me two mins later for same question. This can go on for half an hour.

ohhooh · 14/02/2022 08:57

My MIL does this! She's on half term this week, she asked our plans for the week when we saw her yesterday - obviously we both said work. The shock on her face!! She's babysitting today, and was really put out that myself and DH wouldn't plan to go round for an hour or two during the day so she could relax! I eye rolled so hard, and I love her normally.

For some reason she thinks we're just lazing around all day because we WFH currently, when actually we're working longer hours now than normally and spend our days in separate offices at home on laptops all day! She cannot compute 😂

Fizbosshoes · 14/02/2022 08:57

I think (because I'm guilty of this myself to a degree) that often you work or do something to fill the time available. When there's tons of work to do at work I can get loads done in a day. If its quiet I'm often annoyed at myself that I don't seem to finish hours earlier I just seem to have expanded the task or worked slower and only done half as much as I do on busier periods! So I can (sort of) understand that if people are not working then it feels like they are busy because they've filled the time in their day doing things that they previously might have fitted
around work.
When MIL goes upstairs to have "a quick shower" she can easily be gone an hour...but that's fine because she has an hour available.

Ratonastick · 14/02/2022 09:00

Tell me about it. I switched to consultancy a few years ago which my parents firmly believe is a little part time job. I have a nice group of clients but the work can be variable so sometimes I do half a day a week and sometimes I do 70-80 hours and a tonne of travelling. I schedule their visits into the quiet bits (which means my Dad interprets my humming and haing over my diary as not wanting to them to come). Of course that compounds it as they never actually see me working. My favourite was my Dad giving me a bollocking for playing on the internet when everyone else had gone to bed. Apart from the fact that I am 54 and it’s my house, I was clearing my email as I hadn’t had chance to look at it all day!

pawpaws2022 · 14/02/2022 09:11

My dad is 72, retired a year ago and gets it completely
He will often text as he knows I can respond or say call me when you finish work. Never rings me in the day, or turns up Smile

coronafiona · 14/02/2022 10:30

God yes. And working from home means "you're off tomorrow aren't you, could you just ..." followed by a request that is massively time consuming and inconvenient!

Octomore · 14/02/2022 11:10

@RoseMartha

I get this. Its usually something like 'Rose what day is it.' Followed by them ringing me two mins later for same question. This can go on for half an hour.
This sounds like dementia, or something like that - this goes well beyond not 'getting' that you work. Are they seeking medical advice?
Ponoka7 · 14/02/2022 11:12

@Gizacluethen, how do your PILs or Mum not know what it's like to have a baby? unless it was a case of adopting an older child of course.

My childfree retired Sister, in her 60's is like this with my middle DD. She doesn't understand why she can't be fitted in whenever it suits her and won't accept that every event isn't suitable for children under 6. When my DD was on a 7am start which meant that I was up at 5 every morning to do childcare. She was miffed that she couldn't pop up at 8pm and why we were starting to lag.

MindyStClaire · 14/02/2022 11:24

@ponoka7 I've seen many tales of grandparents having forgotten the realities of small DC, understandable if it's been 30 years since they were in the trenches themselves.

Our parents are fantastic grandparents but we do get a bit of this - "gosh, she never stops, does she" about two year olds, or "and is it normal for a three year old to refuse to drink from a cup that's the wrong colour?". My aunt and uncle, who had two children themselves and are involved grandparents to their own grandchilden aged 8 and 11 couldn't believe my 18 month old has a long nap at lunchtime.

People forget.

Besides, only two years between my DC and I have to check back to old photos and videos to see if DC2's development is similar to DC1's Grin

onlychildhamster · 14/02/2022 11:41

For me, it is DH's younger sisters who have no concept of the work day. 1 is 24 and the 1 is 26. the 26 year old calls DH at work to chat, once when DH was in a conference call. the 24 year old has asked me to go to her house in the middle of the work day to pick up a parcel. I think the reason for this is because both of them are in the gig economy, ; the 26 year old tutors and the 24 year old writes full time (she gets some money for it from Patreon which is a subscription service where your fans can pay for your work).

On a separate note, 24 year old also heard DH complaining about his job and suggested DH would find more fulfillment in a creative job i.e. as DH likes cycling, strapping a camera onto a bicycle and filming it. Apparently this can be a career that replaces DH's job! She then got really offended when I suggested that this was not something my DH would like as firstly it would never be able to help pay off our £300k mortgage on our London flat and I didn't think our mortgage advisor would think very kindly of it. The problem is that she thinks influencing/tiktok/patreon is a full time job and as she has never had exposure to any work, she thinks her life is the default. Her mum also WFH freelance.

I worry sometimes that a lot of younger people in her age bracket might become like that. I can see that for a lot of people, the formal jobs market might not be a very attractive proposition. Younger people are also supported longer than their parents and have kids later, which gives them more options.. This would not bode well for the tax base...

icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 12:00

My boyfriend is an architect and his retired parents were renovating a house, my boyfriend did the design for it and basically managed the project, but obviously on the side to his full time job and as a favour.. his dad would expect everything to be done instantly and with no delay but didn't seem to understand that my bf had a full time job, a house to upkeep, a gf to spend time with, friends to see, a life to live!

icannotbebothered · 14/02/2022 12:03

@WayneBruce

Op, how very dare you flaunt your families finacial security on this thread.

(Joke, but some people really need to lighten up).

My dad retired at 58, 30 years ago. Some people do plan for retirement (and he wasnt super wealthy, just careful).

Yeah my dad retired in his 50s when I was only 16, he was a police officer so did his 30 years and had to leave, got a good pension, so didn't go back to work
Mary46 · 14/02/2022 12:09

I agree they dont get time constraints. My mam would happily stay out all day. Doesnt drive. Then nothing done in my own house. When u have a dog u cant be out all day. My boundaries are strict now.

cicadasss · 14/02/2022 12:17

Not from my parents, they get it, but a 60 year old CLIENT I was working for,

‘We’ll all you young mums have JOBS now don’t you….’

(Erm, most young people have jobs now… )

Much disapproval … despite the fact that she was only sat down with me because I was - you know - WORKING! The irony!

It was a few years ago now but it struck me as out of touch at the time…

Readeatcake · 14/02/2022 12:23

My PIL's retired early and this is them! They don't understand why a meal booking at 5pm won't work for us Monday to Friday. 'Can't you just leave early that day?'
Or why if they ring at any point in not just able to chat.

My parents aren't too bad until we started working from home during COVID. They didn't understand that even though I was at home that didn't mean I could log off for two hours to host them or take calls from them at any point in the day.