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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague sacked for abuse, shocked

186 replies

Cheesestring11 · 12/02/2022 16:13

She was caught on camera verbally abusing an elderly man with dementia, and sacked with immediate effect.

I'm shocked, I got on well with her, she wasn't perfect but I thought she had a good heart generally.

Haven't spoken to her in over a week, but I believe the event happened this week.

Not sure what to do really, just shocked that she could have done it, everyone makes mistakes but that was just nasty. Would you cut contact with her?

OP posts:

UnUdderOne · 12/02/2022 16:13

Are you serious?

x2boys · 12/02/2022 16:15

Yes ,there are a lot of people not cut out for caring roles ,I used to be a nurse and worked in dementia care ,these people are some of the most vulnerable in society .

AgentJohnson · 12/02/2022 16:18

Very shocking but why do you have to do anything? Be glad she was caught.

cuno · 12/02/2022 16:19

No, why would I cut contact? She sounds delightful... not.

Can't believe you've had to come on Mumsnet to ask whether to stay friends with someone who abused an elderly person with dementia at your workplace. Are you sure you're even cut out for this role yourself??

Toottooot · 12/02/2022 16:21

Why would you want to keep in contact with a person who is abusive to vulnerable people? Fire on if that’s the type of person you want to be friends with 🤷🏻‍♀️

FannyFifer · 12/02/2022 16:22

She abused an elderly man with dementia, why in the name of fuck would you ever think about having any contact with her.

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/02/2022 16:23

Why would you question it???

Poppins2016 · 12/02/2022 16:27

I wouldn't maintain contact with someone whose values were so unaligned with my own.

Newyearnewme2022 · 12/02/2022 16:30

Of course I would cut contact, bullying the vulnerable is the lowest of the low behaviour.
My son will be going into residential care in around 10 years time and the thought terrifies me.

Stressedout1009 · 12/02/2022 16:33

I would cut contact bit first I would tell her how disgusting she is and then block her.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/02/2022 16:35

Be glad she was stopped before she physically hurt someone. Hopefully the resident will forget the incident.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 16:37

I can imagine wanting to hear what triggered her. Doesnt mean Id overlook what is on camera though

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 16:37

I'm going to go against the grain here and say get the facts 1st. Whilst I am not condoning abuse for a second I am saying we all have our limits and can snap sometimes.

What was said in the verbal abuse? There is a difference if for example she was doing it all the time to it being a 1 off and just having a very bad day and saying 'ffs put the shoes on', again that's not ok but we are all human and capable of cracking sometimes.

If it was the latter I wouldn't class her as a monster or necessarily cut contacts because she fucked up. But in a professional environment you can and will be fired for this often so you just have to not snap even in the most challenging times.

BTW I nursed my own father through dementia so know exactly how challenging and exhausting it can be,

Itsalmostanaccessory · 12/02/2022 16:43

Fired for gross misconduct usually comes with a clause that she cannot have contact with any employees of the company.

Dont contact her. Why would you want to?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 12/02/2022 16:48

You sound crazy. What if that elderly person was your loved one? Would you still feel the same if she abused your parents or grandparents?

Letsbekindplease · 12/02/2022 16:49

How do you know the facts unless she has told you? That stuff is confidential and could be from hear say and whispers. I would ask her out right.
Some people aren’t cut out for care.

quicklybeingdrivenmad · 12/02/2022 16:49

It may be challenging and exhausting but after having looked after my mum with dementia and dad with alzheimers for years before them going into a home, I never lost it with them ( I cried a lot in private) would would have gone ballistic if one of the home carers or nursing home staff where they moved to verbally abused them, no matter how bad a day they were having.

I would not wish to be associated with a person like that.

EmpressCixi · 12/02/2022 16:50

I’d want her side of the story first. Some of those harmless dementia elderly think they’re 20 and it’s 1960 and think they can still legally cop a feel (sexually assault you).

twelly · 12/02/2022 16:51

I would say that with all incidents you don't know what the truth is - if I like someone I would remain in contact. The issues are seldom clear cut and I think sometimes we are quick to judge.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 12/02/2022 16:52

@EmpressCixi

I’d want her side of the story first. Some of those harmless dementia elderly think they’re 20 and it’s 1960 and think they can still legally cop a feel (sexually assault you).

And if you cannot handle that without abusing the mentally ill, not lucid, not in control of their behaviour patient then you deserve to be fired.

You clearly have never worked with people with dementia. There is never ever an excuse for abusing them in any way.

rwalker · 12/02/2022 16:54

Verbally abused can cover the minor to the major scale of things .

My dad has dementia and anyone who has worked or lived with anyone with dementia will know that it can push you to levels of frustration you didn't know exsisted .

If you know the extent and the person make your own judgement call .

A lot of people who have an opion on this have probably never had to deal with it .

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/02/2022 16:57

It's hard work, I worked in care 9f the elderly for over 10 years. No excuse to verbally abuse them though! Strokes and dementia can totally change the personality.

I've met many people who became aggressive or as someone else put tried to cop a feel. Nothing to do with still thinking it's the 1960s though ! Family members were often horrified by the change in personality

Could happen to any of us or our family members

Ohmybod · 12/02/2022 16:58

Abusing an elderly person with dementia is not a mistake. It was a choice. An abhorrent one. And for all you know it wasn’t her first bad choice. If you choose not to cut contact with her, you have an obligation to let her know how bad her behaviour was and ask her if she needs any help in recognising this/atoning for it/changing her ways.

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 16:58

The issues are seldom clear cut and I think sometimes we are quick to judge

it's mn remember, 'quick to judge' is the name of the game. Years ago,I once worked in a hospital and fell out with the boss over time off-it was for my dad's funeral. I got the time off but the boss never liked me after that.

Two weeks later, the boss fired me over something I apparently did when I swear on my son's life I didn't. Boss knew this but as I was agency could get rid of me easily. She told the agency I was a danger to patients etc and tried to get me disciplines.
I went into early labour with the stress of it and I never heard about it again as I left work for a few years but my point is she had people believe I done something awful when I hadn't.

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 12/02/2022 16:59

Was she in a caring role, have you actually heard or seen what she said. She doesnt sound very nice if she abused an vulnerable person. How do you know she was sacked for g.m.

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