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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague sacked for abuse, shocked

186 replies

Cheesestring11 · 12/02/2022 16:13

She was caught on camera verbally abusing an elderly man with dementia, and sacked with immediate effect.

I'm shocked, I got on well with her, she wasn't perfect but I thought she had a good heart generally.

Haven't spoken to her in over a week, but I believe the event happened this week.

Not sure what to do really, just shocked that she could have done it, everyone makes mistakes but that was just nasty. Would you cut contact with her?

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 12/02/2022 16:59

@Itsalmostanaccessory

I’m not condoning verbal abuse of the elderly at all. I’m just saying get the facts. If the OPs friend who has been a lovely person for years has suddenly told an OAP to get his fucking hands off her...and sacked for it because he’s gone....ooooh I have dementia...then my sympathy is with her. They’re not all harmless. My best friends daughter who works in a care home was beaten in the face by a woman with dementia just last month, ended up with split lip and a black eye. I’d personally be more understanding of a knew jerk VERBAL reaction to physical or sexual assault than your “no excuse” idiocy, clearly you’ve never run afoul of a dementia sufferer when they are violent or predatory.

Ellowyn · 12/02/2022 16:59

Exactly how did she abuse him?

AlexaShutUp · 12/02/2022 17:00

OP, your post includes some fairly specific details, and you might get into trouble for posting about it online. Maybe better to get it taken down?

TheWomandestroyed · 12/02/2022 17:01

@EmpressCixi

I’d want her side of the story first. Some of those harmless dementia elderly think they’re 20 and it’s 1960 and think they can still legally cop a feel (sexually assault you).
Do you realise that it can be sexual inhibition due to cognitive issues?
RedFlagsAllOver · 12/02/2022 17:04

When my dad was on the dementia ward before he passed away most of the staff were definitely not cut out for it. I know how hard it is. I couldn't do it. Should only go for a caring roll if you actually care. It was horrendous on the dementia ward. They were getting frustrated with the old boys and talking to them like shit and not nearly enough staff.

Weirdwonders · 12/02/2022 17:06

None of us know anything about the incident or your colleague or so we can’t really comment can we. Nothing more unedifying that watching MN pile on. Get down a care home yourselves and do some shifts for minimum wage if it’s that easy.

Benjispruce5 · 12/02/2022 17:07

Do you really have to ask?

Original poster
Cheesestring11 · 12/02/2022 17:09

He didn't touch her or say anything inappropriate to her I believe, but he just refused to have a wash or something he was meant to have.
I won't be contacting her again from now on in any case

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 12/02/2022 17:09

It is stressful but it's a line of work where you just can't stand up for yourself let alone get aggressive. Not for her.

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 17:09

When my dad was on the dementia ward before he passed away most of the staff were definitely not cut out for it. I know how hard it is. I couldn't do it. Should only go for a caring roll if you actually care

The thing is you can care though but the problem is that these jobs can be so red taped with bureaucracy and politics these days it can make the most caring people burn out.
It's likely why so many people leave teaching, they enjoy teaching but not all the crap that comes with it along with the low wages and so they leave in their droves. It isn't always about not being 'cut out for it'.

Onlyforcake · 12/02/2022 17:10

Refusing to have a wash?!! Ffs. Accepting that is just basic respect.

LuluBlakey1 · 12/02/2022 17:10

I'd not want anything else to do with her. She was caught on camera so it was there to see. I don't know if it was physical, sexual or verbal abuse byt the man in question was extremely vulnerable and you have to ask yourself what kind of person abuses someone, and someone very vulnerable. It's disgusting. There's no excuse.

Original poster
Cheesestring11 · 12/02/2022 17:10

But it's true it does make me wonder what else she may have been doing ..

OP posts:
ritamiller · 12/02/2022 17:11

None of us know anything about the incident or your colleague or so we can’t really comment can we

This and as I said none of us know the mgmt, were they trying to get rid of her or did they have beef with her?

Frigginintheriggin · 12/02/2022 17:11

Firstly make sure its not just gossip.
When you know its a fact absolutely call her. Tell her she's a cunt.
Hang up and block her number. Job done.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/02/2022 17:11

After working in nursing homes for so long I honestly think the majority will just employ anyone. No it's not easy but it's no excuse to be abusive to someone who vulnerable.

Many people would find working with toddler's hard but we don't excuse people who verbally abuse them. Why is it different if its a vulnerable adult?

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 17:12

I don't know if it was physical, sexual or verbal abuse

the op said verbal.

cuno · 12/02/2022 17:15

@Weirdwonders

None of us know anything about the incident or your colleague or so we can’t really comment can we. Nothing more unedifying that watching MN pile on. Get down a care home yourselves and do some shifts for minimum wage if it’s that easy.
I already work in care, thank you very much.
gingerhills · 12/02/2022 17:15

@ritamiller

I'm going to go against the grain here and say get the facts 1st. Whilst I am not condoning abuse for a second I am saying we all have our limits and can snap sometimes.

What was said in the verbal abuse? There is a difference if for example she was doing it all the time to it being a 1 off and just having a very bad day and saying 'ffs put the shoes on', again that's not ok but we are all human and capable of cracking sometimes.

If it was the latter I wouldn't class her as a monster or necessarily cut contacts because she fucked up. But in a professional environment you can and will be fired for this often so you just have to not snap even in the most challenging times.

BTW I nursed my own father through dementia so know exactly how challenging and exhausting it can be,

This is a fair answer. If you knew her to be a good soul, maybe get all the facts. She could have been having the day or week or month from hell. Carers are terribly paid, so there's often financial stress on top of hard work, long hours, understaffing,. If the man had been abusive or suggestive, which is possible, because dementia disinhibits, then she may have snapped.
notanothertakeaway · 12/02/2022 17:17

@Cheesestring11

He didn't touch her or say anything inappropriate to her I believe, but he just refused to have a wash or something he was meant to have. I won't be contacting her again from now on in any case
A professional carer would try to persuade, or try again tomorrow, not verbally abuse a vulnerable patient
Ellowyn · 12/02/2022 17:20

@EmpressCixi

I’d want her side of the story first. Some of those harmless dementia elderly think they’re 20 and it’s 1960 and think they can still legally cop a feel (sexually assault you).
Years ago in the local post office one of the local elderly men, who was still allowed to wander around the village, was laughing to himself inside. He clearly had dementia and everyone sort of kept an eye on him, as people do in small communities. Anyway, as I walked passed him, he touched me on my bum with his finger - which made him laugh even more, bless him. I ignored it as I naturally understood he'd lost his inhibition and no harm was done. I recently told a woman about this, including his condition, and she said she would have 'punched him in the face anyway'. Some people are heartless.
TakeMe2Insanity · 12/02/2022 17:20

@TabithaTittlemouse

Why would you question it???
This!
ancientgran · 12/02/2022 17:20

I have an elderly relative in care, she has severe dementia and is horrendously inappropriate with male carers. Sometimes the care home will get a nice young male member of staff to deal with her when she is being aggressive with female staff but the price of that is that the young man will have very inappropriate stuff to deal with. I feel uncomfortable with it but I can see it makes life easier for everyone else as she will go from aggressive to flirty and giggly and the young guys seem to take it with good grace. I'm not sure I would be able to blame them if they lost it with her one day, not physical obviously but if they shouted at her I think I'd understand.

So for me circumstances would matter.

UniversalAunt · 12/02/2022 17:22

You need to determine whether you are shocked that she has done this or shocked that she has been caught then sacked?

I assume that she had to account for her actions shown on the video & from that the employer decided to terminate her contract with immediate effect. Her dismissal had to be fair & I again assume that her employer would give her the opportunity to state any mitigations (e.g. they grabbed me hard, it really hurt & here are my bruises. Sorry, but in pain & shock, I spoke out harshly) to clear up any misunderstanding or misinterpretations,

Your decision is about if you want or need to know what happened, do you feel compelled to find out from her what she said happened?
If she admitted that she did do it, would you want to have further contact?

Caring for someone with dementia can be very challenging, but your colleague is trained & paid to do a job, has professional distance & gets to go home after their shift. Zero tolerance of abuse of the vulnerable is alert of that.

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 17:23

It may be challenging and exhausting but after having looked after my mum with dementia and dad with alzheimers for years before them going into a home, I never lost it with them

There is a big difference between looking after your parents than being on a tight time schedule and having to look after dozens.