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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding gift etiqeutte

131 replies

JaffaCake70 · 12/02/2022 09:34

Good Morning

A question that has probably been asked before:

Is is appropriate to ask for cash gifts for my wedding?

I'm 51, my partner is 47, we're getting married in May. We live together and don't need any household goods etc.

We really don't want anyone to waste money on items that we will probably just disgard at a later date due to lack of space.

I feel cheeky asking for money but it would come in very handy for our honeymoon spending money.

Is there a way of tactfully asking my guests for cash gifts? Should I add a little note to the invites or something?

I'm really not sure how to broach this, any advice and opinions would be much appreciated.

YABU - It's rude to ask for cash gifts.

YANBU - It's absolutely fine to ask for cash gifts.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 12/02/2022 09:36

Don't ask for gifts or cash. People will gift what they want either way.

morechocolateneededtoday · 12/02/2022 09:37

You're on MN, you should know better than to ask on here!!
The vote is going to be YABU without a doubt.

In reality, it is absolutely fine as long as you're not expecting people to gift certain amounts

Woop123 · 12/02/2022 09:39

We also preferred cash for our gift. So we put a poem in the invites :) if you google asking money for wedding gift poem loads show up!

peboh · 12/02/2022 09:40

Mumsnet will tell you is absolutely trashy to ask for cash in lieu of physical gifts.
However in real life this is totally acceptable, and more common these days. Most couples already live in their own homes together, they don't need kettles and photo frames.

MindyStClaire · 12/02/2022 09:40

Where I'm from, not mentioning a gift list or answering "oh there's nothing we need" is code for "cash please!", which saves you the embarrassment of having to say it. Might it be the same where you are?

I do think gifts should be freely given though, so I wouldn't ask for anything unless people ask you first.

KylieCharlene · 12/02/2022 09:40

I think it's rude to ask for cash and putting a little poem or suchlike in with the invitation declaring that you don't want gifts is annoying AND rude.

babyjellyfish · 12/02/2022 09:42

We wrote, "Some of you have asked us about gifts. We do not have a gift list because we already have everything that we need. If you would like to get us something, a gift or a small contribution towards our honeymoon would be gratefully received, but is in no way expected."

Some of our guests gave us nothing at all, most gave us cash (in varying amounts) and a small number gave us presents, which were actually very nice and thoughtful.

DappledThings · 12/02/2022 09:43

@Woop123

We also preferred cash for our gift. So we put a poem in the invites :) if you google asking money for wedding gift poem loads show up!

Cash fine, poems naff.

Just say you are looking forward to seeing everyone, you have lots of things and would prefer not to receive gifts but if anyone did want to contribute to your honeymoon that would be hugely appreciated.

We did similar, said we didn't need anything and wanted nobody to feel obliged but if anyone really wanted to get us anything we had a page collecting for two charities or John Lewis vouchers. We got about £2k for our charities and just less than that in vouchers. The charity offset my hatred of receiving presents!

babyjellyfish · 12/02/2022 09:44

That was on our website by the way (we needed to give people information about travel and where to stay). We didn't mention gifts at all on the invitation.

Giraffesandbottoms · 12/02/2022 09:45

I think there are website that exist where you effectively get cash but people feel like they are buying a part of your honeymoon. Eg they can pay towards flights/champagne or whatever. I have been to a few weddings with this and happily bought “flights”etc. In reality I know it’s just cash they receive but it feels a bit nicer imagining I’m
Buying part of their trip/they aren’t just asking for money money money.

So that’s an idea. Asking for money a bit awks. Your age makes it worse tbh I went to a wedding where people in their 40s asked for money and I was a bit confused - in that instance it’s more classy to just suggest a charity to put it towards.

Qwill · 12/02/2022 09:48

But if you don’t need anything, then why not just say presents are not required? If people want to give you something they will put some money or vouchers in a card. I do think asking for cash is vulgar personally, I would prefer just to have a nice day with my friends without making it a transaction (I’ll give you food and drinks, but you should give me money in return!).

Chloemol · 12/02/2022 09:50

Personally I think it’s rude and grabby, I wouldn’t want to lay for your honeymoon or spending money

I refuse to give cash, and would give you John Lewis vouchers, or whatever big store was near you

Just say no presents please, you say you dont need anything

AngelicInnocent · 12/02/2022 09:51

It's fine to ask for cash as long as you don't put one of those tacky, awful poems in the invitations.

FunnyGoingsOn · 12/02/2022 09:51

If someone asks for cash I don't mind. It makes it easier for me and I prefer to get people something they want however when it came to my own wedding I didn't ask for anything as I'd have felt it was rude and grabby!

However you do it there is no way that you can ask for cash from guests without it looking a bit tacky.

Its a bit different if you are a young couple setting up home.

ANameChangeAgain · 12/02/2022 09:53

Please don't do the cash poem thing!
I just think send the invitations as they are. People will gift money anyway if you don't have a wedding gift list. I think they are more likely to gift if you don't ask for it personally. Without wanting to deliberately be rude, because of your ages the assumption would be that you don't need anything. The wedding gift list or money gifting tradition was always about helping out the new couple just starting out. Regardless of this I would always pop a bit of cash in an envelope at a wedding, but would be a bit 🤔 at the expectation to do this for already established individuals.

Flickflak · 12/02/2022 09:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Teeturtle · 12/02/2022 09:59

I think a 51 year old and 47 year old asking for money is particularly grabby, although I would not appreciate it from anyone. You are old enough to have everything you need for the house, you are also old enough to pay for your own flipping honeymoon.

LethargicActress · 12/02/2022 10:05

Don’t ask. Although it’s becoming more common, many people still find it very distasteful. I think it would come across as even more distasteful at your ages, especially if either of you have been married before.

Just say nothing on the invitations about gifts because you will find that lots of people will give you money anyway. Those that don’t give you money wouldn’t have wanted to give money in response to your request either so it’s best not to have asked them.

bert3400 · 12/02/2022 10:06

I think it's really rude to ask for cash or gifts, especially as an older bride. At this age you should just request that guests are not required to provide any gifts, just them being there to share your special day is all you require.

Hairyfriend · 12/02/2022 10:17

Wishing wells, poems, contributions to your honeymoon etc are tacky- and not just on MN!

I said nothing on my invites. No mention of gift list, no mention of money or holiday funds etc. Unless you have never lived together and setting up a home, most people know that people want cash! Also, word of mouth through your friends/family is normally sufficient.

At our wedding, 95% gave cash, 3% gave gift vouchers and the remaining gave gifts- Actually a lovely, plush towel set being one.

AtillatheHun · 12/02/2022 10:19

A couple at your stage in life really don’t need cash for towels or whatever. You’ve both set up homes before and that’s what wedding presents are about, not as a holiday fund.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/02/2022 10:19

As other's said, wedding gifts are generally about helping a new couple out on their life's journey. I think at 51 and 47 it would probably be more appropriate to nominate a charity. That is what friends of a similar age did. Their favourite charity got loads which made them really happy.

(unless there is some backstory which means you really are starting out in some way)

SpiderVersed · 12/02/2022 10:20

If you ask via poem, yes, trashy as all hell.

RosieGuacamosie · 12/02/2022 10:21

Why do you need to say anything on the invitation? It’s really not polite to ask for or imply gifts are expected.

The best way to do it is say nothing on the invitations and then, if someone asks you (which it is likely they will) then you can say vouchers or cash please.

Funkyslippers · 12/02/2022 10:21

babyjellyfish what you said sounds just right. I certainly wouldn't be offended at receiving that

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